Getting older and not coping well with the physical changed (neither is H)

[justanotheroneofyou]

I'm sure I'm not the first or the last person to face these problems, so I post here for some commentary/pep talk.

 

I'm in my mid-forties. I mean, wow - I thought the 30s were bad, but in your 40s, you literally see yourself change almost week to week. I have always been above average, in decent shape (I've yo-yo-ed) and until this last year, literally, have always looked much younger than my age. Then, it seemed to all catch up, almost overnight. No one does a double take when I tell them I'm 43 anymore. No one even blinks.

 

Anyway, I feel so ugly. And, I feel so shallow for fixating on this since I'm a highly intelligent individual who has achieved much - professionally and socially.

 

I look at myself in the mirror and I feel haggard and plain ugly. Almost dog-like. I know people will tell me to be kind to myself and I do worry - especially because, sadly, this will only get worse. This is only the beginning.

 

I've been doing botox since 38, but I feel it's time for some bigger interventions, like pulling the skin on my neck taut or fillers. I can't even stand to see that area in the light. In fact, I avoid any mirrors situated in the daylight. I know which mirrors at Sephora make me look good and sometimes I'll stop there just to assure myself I'm not that wretched looking. That's utterly ridiculous. I can't believe I'm admitting this so freely.

 

So, why am I writing this on a relationship board?

 

My husband is uber critical of everything and everyone, including himself. I know this because I have a keen sense of emotional intelligence. He would never, ever say anything (even in the heat of the moment, like I have to him) to insult my looks. But, I know I'm not the 20something anymore. He's not as attracted, doesn't want sex, but has one way with himself and the computer a lot. I didn't care back when we were sexually healthy. Now, that's a substitute. He, himself, has gained a good amount of weight. He's not slovenly fat, but he's pushing 200 at 5/9 and he's made the bed sag. He's objectively not attractive body wise, but he's attractive in the face. What makes me mad is I'm still attracted to him, despite his body. Women are just like that - I'm sorry to general; I'm a feminist and I don't sound like one. We are more forgiving of their flaws.

 

I'm not gross or anything, just getting older and have the signs of a middle-aged woman--wrinkles, sagging skin, etc. I have to tell myself I'm only 43 and if I'm not coping well now, how will I cope when I am truly older? I feel like putting a bag over my head and sometimes it's so bad (like now) that I don't have motivation to move through my day. I feel so silly and vain. But, I feel so ugly. I probably look in the mirror 30 times an hour to see if things have change, the light is more friendly, etc. Contrary to what it seems, I am pretty normal, hold down a job, am a good parent, etc.

 

I guess I'm not dealing well with no longer being what is considered traditionally good looking. It's to the point where I am not vulnerable with him. I often pull a scarf around my neck, won't sit with him at the well-lighted table, etc. It sounds absurd and frankly, it is.

 

I don't know how couples manage to navigate through growing older. we aren't doing it together because, to me, it's a huge insult when I'm no longer considered "wanted and desired". I mean, I keep asking myself, isn't this part of life? How do other couples make it through? Is a man so shallow that he wants his wife to remain 30, forever?

 

Do people just put sex aside because face it, you are no longer "hot" and what is deemed sexy?

 

I don't know what to do. I hate looking at myself and it's making the aging process that much worse.

Edited February 10, 2018 by justanotheroneofyou

[Els]

Many of the couples I know in their 40s and beyond have a great relationship with plenty of sex (without Botox!). I think in your case the issue may lie with your husband and not your age necessarily. Or perhaps, with your relationship in general. Two reasons that stand out to me:

 

- Are you familiar with what he's actually doing on his computer all the time?

- Did you start hiding yourself from him all the time BEFORE the issues in the bedroom or after?

[justanotheroneofyou]

I'm new, so I don't know how censored the boards are.

 

He does use that to watch porn (sorry if I've violated the rules). I know this for a fact because I'll find evidence of what he used to catch (sorry, I'm being so gross). I don't even check the computer because it's useless. I know he's doing it a lot.

 

Yes--I'm sure it's because he's super critical. I've read, though, that it's super common for men (even those who don't stray) to lust after young, nubile females, with the prime age being 25 or something near this. I was that when I met him and I modeled a bit (certainly not saying I'm the hottest thing out there, but, by societies standards, I was decent looking). Now, I'm old and ugly (objectively). No one checks me out, ever, etc. I guess I'd be okay with that, but it's validation of what I'm feeling at home. He's just not into me sexually and I know he feels badly because he tries to play it off as his drive is going down and he's older and fatter and just not even into it himself. To be fair, his jacking off has also decreased.

 

If you put a super hot, young female in the room, I think his "old and fat" problems he says he has would magically disappear.

 

I've always been one to like the lights out, even when younger, but no, I didn't cover myself as much.

[BaileyB]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 40's. He's a few years ahead of me and I joke with him, that thankfully I will never catch up!

 

The first time we had sex, he told me I was the first 40 year old with whom he had ever had sex. I did NOT take that as a compliment, and tease him about it to this day...

 

I feel for you, because I've certainly gained a few pounds that seem harder to lose, there are body parts that sag a little, and a few more wrinkles on my face. As he has some extra pounds and some white whiskers in his beard that he hates but I think make him look "distinguished" and very handsome. My boyfriend still makes me feel beautiful. I still feel wanted and we both enjoy sex.

 

Women, may show physical signs of age, but I have always admired the wisdom, confidence, and sense of self that develops with age. A man who can look past the extra pounds and wrinkles, to see the true beauty of a woman, is a wonderful man indeed!

Edited February 10, 2018 by BaileyB

[losangelena]

Have y'all actually had a conversation about this? It sounds like you're making some assumptions as to why he's avoiding you. Maybe he thinks you're not going to be attracted to his aging body and that's why he doesn't want to have sex. You can't possibly start to make things better with him if you don't know what's going on in his mind.

 

Apart from that, I think you'd do well to at least try and make peace with your changing body. It is almost painful to hear the way you talk about it, filled with so much self-hate. Everybody changes. You accuse your husband of being shallow, but you also sound a bit shallow, assuming that beauty only comes in one form and that you have no worth apart from that.

 

I personally have never been what society would ever deem "beautiful." I'm way too fat (even at my skinniest), and I know how hard it can be to make peace with a body that won't conform. But I can tell you that there is still good things on the other side of acceptance; acceptance is NOT "giving up." I live a good, full life, not in any way devoid of sexual pleasure (with very enthusiastic men). It's a misnomer that any of that has to stop when your body stops looking a certain way.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It surprises me that you feel so strongly about this yet after being married to him for so long, you are not communicating with him at all.

 

I see pictures of myself from 5 years ago and I can see that I have aged. At first it was kind of sad to admit but I have reached a level of acceptance. I was actually getting pre-emptive botox from 29 but the aging doesn't spare anyone.

[CardsFan01]

Unless there has been a drastic change in your appearance, I don’t believe his lack of sexual interest is due to your looks. How long have you been married? I think men in general (not always) get bored faster than women. I’d bet he believes the sex just isn’t exciting anymore, which really isn’t your fault. Find out what would make it exciting for him. What kind of porn is he watching? That may give you some clues. Have you offered to watch and participate with him? That could be a way for you both to share and live out some of your fantasies.

 

How often do you see a man get caught cheating, and everyone seems so surprised that the person he’s cheating with is less attractive than his wife? That’s because it isn’t about looks. It’s because it’s new, exciting, and different. If you want to get his attention, find out how to make it exciting and different from what he’s used to. It’s not fair that it has to be up to you to do that, but it is what it is.

[Veronica73]

Maybe you’re just going to have to grow as a person and not put so much worth on physical appearance. Like people who are less genetically blessed have to learn to do when they are younger and don’t match up to all those people who naturally look good. Age is the great equalizer.

 

(Edit) And I find it a little hard to imagine that at 43 you are such a hag that nobody is attracted to you. 43 isn’t that old. I suspect that much of this is in your head, and you give of the air of defeat or something. Your post about yourself sure sounds harsh. If your husband isn’t attracted to you any longer because you have aged, he sounds like a shallow jerk. But you kind of sound the same way with the way you talk about yourself.

Edited February 10, 2018 by Veronica73

[BluesPower]

My GF is 60 and beautiful. Not as perfect as her younger pictures, but still so beautiful. I am 53 with some miles on me.

 

And her body is delicious and so sexy. So the sex thing is not you.

 

Your husband needs to stop looking at porn yesterday. If it is affecting his sex drive, then he has an issue with it, and he needs to stop.

 

Are you to in love? I know sometimes it can get stale after so many years. It sounds like this is the main issue, is just no spice in the relationship.

 

I would lose the porn and try to work on communication between you and your H. If he is having any ED/PE issues, then those can be dealt with.

 

But you guys need to come together. And you need to talk.

 

Have you told him that you want/need more sex. If that component is missing it is one of the main factors that can lead one of you into an affair.

 

For the record, Me and GF's sex life is amazing, like teenagers in fact.

 

Communicate with each other...

[MidnightBlue1980]

Men generally don't care. It's quite possible your husband is going through changes of his own. Aging impacts men too, and yes the porn can be an issue.

 

I wanted to comment the getting older thing. You are a bit young to be experiencing sagging and wrinkling. Either you are being too critical of yourself, or if you really are experiencing these things, you might want to take a look at your diet and lifestyle. I'm 45 so I'm very familiar. At a certain point a woman needs to choose her face or her a*s. I know a lot of women who are cardio queens and maintain their high school weight from strict dieting. They look a lot older than me. Do you smoke? Do you sleep? Do you drink liquor? What is your hair color - is it a dyed dark brown?

 

Do you eat healthy fats or are you afraid of getting fat? Fat makes you look young. Yes, your butt is bigger. It is a challenge and from what I hear, it only gets more difficult.

 

I do not think you should do one of those facelift things. People like that always look surprised. Maybe a chemical peel but maybe a visit to a nutritionist. Yes, aging is inevitable but looking and feeling old is not. A lot is how you feel about yourself. You can feel - and be - sexy at 43, 53, 63, 73!

[justanotheroneofyou]

Thank you, everyone.

 

To answer a few questions, I don't know how much he looks at porn. I exaggerate and feel it's every day, but he is honest and admits he's not even into that as much. we have spoken candidly about it, and he says, in general, his drive is lower since his weight gain and getting older. Could this be the truth or is it just a lie? I thought men were always raring to go, so for him to say his drive is lower sounds like a load to me. He says he still loves me but he also says it's easier to please himself and move on. Truth be told, that's fine with me, but I want to feel desired, even if the act sometimes takes longer than I want or I'm tired. But, I want to feel like I have to option to reject.

 

Hmm--as for me, I know the saying about the A or the F. It's so true. But even 20 lbs ago, I looked younger. I have gained about 20 lbs in the last year (long story). I was unhealthy before. He was after me non-stop then. It was annoying, even.

 

so, there's that. The rapid weight gain has a lot to do with it, I'm sure.

 

Facial wrinkles: actually no, I don't have too many. Have some laugh lines, the 11s, etc., but nothing dramatic. It's my neck from all the up and down loss/gain that is loose. From some angles and lights it looks super bad. But, I know I'm also drawn to it. It's the first thing I see (and the other flaws).

 

Actually-so I don't drink at all (had to stop), no smoking at all, eat decently healthy, but my hair is dyed dark brown, come to think of it. Should I change that? I think lighter colors make me look washed out. I have fair skin and blue eyes. What would go better with these features?

[viatori patuit]

I am 47. I have some gray hair and a few wrinkles. And it doesn't bug me that much. I have done botox (the stuff works great!) and some other stuff to keep from aging. I haven't done a thing about the gray hair. I am 47 - its cool if I look my age.

 

As a guy I expect my wife to age. I honestly don't mind it. If she became obsessive about it and made it my problem by complaining/moping/obsessing about it I would. I generally don't like to be with people who are hyper critical of themselves. It takes nothing to point that stream of negativity at me. I also don't like to be with people who are full of themselves and what they have done in their lives. Same problem - it can make one feel like they are inadequate. Not saying these apply to anyone in this thread. I say that because it helps to understand what makes your partner tick.

 

 

If you are worried about aging and behave like that you are probably throwing negative vibes off left right and center. Honestly, who would want to be intimate with someone who is that negative? Would a person like that be willing to do the things that I would like in the bedroom? Probably not. In fact, the very act of sex will probably be painful from start to finish because my partner is so self concious that they are not really even thinking about me.

 

Oh, and you don't get to determine if you are throwing off negativity - others will make that call. Not fair I guess but that is the way it is.

 

Good luck fighting the aging. I know we all have to deal with it sometime.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you, everyone.

 

To answer a few questions, I don't know how much he looks at porn. I exaggerate and feel it's every day, but he is honest and admits he's not even into that as much. we have spoken candidly about it, and he says, in general, his drive is lower since his weight gain and getting older. Could this be the truth or is it just a lie? I thought men were always raring to go, so for him to say his drive is lower sounds like a load to me. He says he still loves me but he also says it's easier to please himself and move on. Truth be told, that's fine with me, but I want to feel desired, even if the act sometimes takes longer than I want or I'm tired. But, I want to feel like I have to option to reject.

 

Hmm--as for me, I know the saying about the A or the F. It's so true. But even 20 lbs ago, I looked younger. I have gained about 20 lbs in the last year (long story). I was unhealthy before. He was after me non-stop then. It was annoying, even.

 

so, there's that. The rapid weight gain has a lot to do with it, I'm sure.

 

Facial wrinkles: actually no, I don't have too many. Have some laugh lines, the 11s, etc., but nothing dramatic. It's my neck from all the up and down loss/gain that is loose. From some angles and lights it looks super bad. But, I know I'm also drawn to it. It's the first thing I see (and the other flaws).

 

Actually-so I don't drink at all (had to stop), no smoking at all, eat decently healthy, but my hair is dyed dark brown, come to think of it. Should I change that? I think lighter colors make me look washed out. I have fair skin and blue eyes. What would go better with these features?

 

This is a funny convo to have here but I have a lot of these same issues, so I relate - except the husband and sex thing. I've also packed on 15 lbs in 2017 and I feel like I get fatter each day. Mostly it is because I work at home, kids, etc and put everyone and everything over taking care of myself. But while yes, my H has made gentle remarks, he really could care less about weight, makeup, wrinkles. Most men don't even care if you brush your teeth or shower. They just want sex. That said, 100% your husband could be telling the truth. Mine is 41 and has told me that the drive declines if you don;t take care of yourself. He goes to the gym daily. This could be a very good opportunity to start walking together (we have fitbits and do 5 m a day in the nice weather), start a healthy diet (for him, sounds like you are fine), etc.

 

For the hair, unless you are Italian, Greek or some nationality where the skin is always sorta tan looking and oily, 40 year old pale face with dark single process dyed hair is not that good a look. I started with highlights when I was 42 and I think its really lightened up my look. People who don't know me have thought I was 38 or so, told my husband. I think it just makes the lines on your face less noticeable. Less of a contrast maybe.

 

As for your neck, it is true that weight gain and loss can do sagging. I am not sure what they can do for your neck, but if it makes you happy and self confident, do it for you. But don't look like those surprised women. :-)

[Sunlight72]

Just to let you know something about attraction and some older men... I'm 45 now, and when I was 40 or 41, I had an interesting experience.

 

I'd helped teach a 12 week class, and I'd seen a woman there and gotten to know her somewhat. She's the picture of what is generally considered attractive - yoga devotee with a large chest and small waist.

 

I don't know, she didn't really do it for me, to me she was just a person in that class.

 

Then one day I bumped into her at the grocery store, and for the first time I noticed the crow's feet around her eyes. Before my brain put anything into words, my heart went thump-thump. Quite unexpected, and all the sudden I just got the feeling that she is a Real Woman, not a lightweight. I can't exactly explain it, but suddenly she was hot to me, though she hadn't been before.

 

We're within a year of each other in age.

 

I know a bit of the feeling you're talking about in regard to feeling unattractively aged, but a few things I've learned are that;

 

- how you see yourself is not necessarily related to how others see you.

 

- if you want to gauge how others find you attractive, don't look in the mirror, instead look at people's expressions and body language when they spend time with you.

 

- as we age at least some of us find different features attractive than we did when we were younger.

 

- Plenty of men feel charmed and heated with a woman in her 60's, who looks like she is in her 60's (or 70's, or 40's, or 50's). I have a 63 year old guy friend who's wife died of cancer a couple years ago. He's met someone new, who I would guess is mid-60's, and they're engaged, and he is delighted. He thinks she is beautiful, and that he is lucky.

 

As to your relationship with your husband, that is a separate situation, but as to your age and attractiveness, women who look their age are found exciting by men.

[basil67]

Problems inside the bedroom are very frequently related to problems outside the bedroom. You're blaming your appearance, but I suspect there are other issues at play.

 

How would you describe your marriage? Do you still enjoy each other's company? Do you both look forward to seeing each other come home at night? Do you make each other laugh? Are disagreements or issues between you at a minimum?

 

Do you still love each other?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

- how you see yourself is not necessarily related to how others see you.

 

- if you want to gauge how others find you attractive, don't look in the mirror, instead look at people's expressions and body language when they spend time with you.

 

 

Love this advice !

[Mysterio]

One of my female friends is 66 to my 46 and I think she is hot.

 

She looks 10 yrs younger. I told her I was sexually attracted to her once and she said she knows that already and smiled.

[dichotomy]

In my 40's - a years and years of not working out - I was falling apart. I am talking functionally as well as appearance. Some of it was medical/illness based (not my fault). I started working out, eating better, and yes I had plastic surgery to correct the medical things. No regrets on surgery it turned out well.

 

Now I will say this - in my early 50's its almost all about functionality. I really noticed this hitting me and my wife - ability to move well. I could fight my continued hair loss and wrinkles, and eye bags, and love handles with more surgery but that is not on my priority list now. I also do need to loose some belly fat and eat much better - my cholesterol and blood pressure need this. However my main focus is nearly all on body functionality - yoga, weights, treadmill/bike, martial arts, massages, foam rolling, inversion - I need to be able to move and grove. I just try to accept the continued decline in the "looks part" that come with age - but I will fight not being able to easily get up a couple of flights of stairs, or go for fun hikes/swimming/bike rides with my kids.

 

Also not all men are the same - while my wife's weight is way up, and her functionality down - I was more than willing to be sexual with her - my sexual interest is love based not looks based - but SHE lost interest. It was many factors - but I can tell you that now - its the functionality - just moving around the bed hurts or leaves her winded.

 

The advice is very often given - but get out there and be active - see if you can drag your husband with you - but it he wont - then go to those exercise classes, or hikes, or what ever on your own. Focus on health and functionality is my advice - 50's are coming for you.

Edited February 11, 2018 by dichotomy

[LivingWaterPlease]

You've gotten a lot of good input which I agree with that doesn't focus on the physical. So I'll comment on the physical.

 

Whether or not your husband finds you attractive, I believe it's important that you feel physically attractive. And there is so much you can do to stave off the signs of aging. Exercise is a big one. It will also lift your spirits. Even doing something as simple as taking a long walk each day will benefit you physically and emotionally.

 

You mentioned botox, I believe. Some people use fillers. How about laser treatments? Have you considered any of these? Of course, don't use them as a substitute for addressing emotional and relational issues between you and your husband. But there are things you can do to appear younger. Keeping weight off, exercising, maintaining your teeth, your hair, your skin, all take work but they are worth it, imo.

[treehugger12]

When I was in my early 40’s, I was feeling frumpy, overweight, not really taking care of myself, one day I caught my naked back side in the mirror and was horrified at what I saw, cellulite and back fat/rolls, I couldn’t even get myself to wear a tank top, my arms looked bad too, I wasn’t even really wearing a good bra, wore mostly sports bras, so I decided to make some changes in my life, decided I don’t want to go even more down hill, I want to make the best of my forties and upcoming fifties, so I lost 25 lbs, used “my fitness pal app” started working out 3-4 times a week faithfully, got a real good bra!! 3 years later I feel incredible, I’m very active, I feel more confident then ever. I really think its all about how you want to live your life. I have not done any Botox or surgery, lots of moisturizer though! I suggest you work for it, if you want to feel good about yourself then do things to make you feel good, but obsessing about is not going to change things. I am 48 now, back fat and cellulite gone, i wear tank tops all the time, I feel so good about myself and am going to embrace the aging process, you can’t dwell on it, it’s going to happen, period. You just have to decide if you want to be frump girl or happy confident girl.

[Veronica73]

You know, again, I already posted before, but I think a lot of this is in your head. I’m around your age and you seem WAY overly critical of yourself to me. But I have older friends and relatives and they pretty much agree that universally, physical appearance seems to take a swift downturn for women around the age of 45. Maybe it just happened to you a couple of years early. But things aren’t going to get better, and you can see from several posts from the men on this site that it doesn’t matter to them personally. I like to believe that a good man who truly loves his spouse can be aroused by her even though she doesn’t look like a 25 year old. I’m sure it (the dreaded 45 year old downturn) will be happening to me soon, and I plan to take as best care of myself personally with diet and sleep and hobbies and staying active. I will be open to medical interventions but at the moment am very wary of them. Take good care of yourself, exercise and be healthy, and be a kind, interesting human being with passions and interests of your own. I really don’t know what else you can do. You can’t be expected to physically compete with 25 or 30 year olds and anyone who would expect you to should be kicked to the curb. Everyone ages, and really, it’s a privilege. It’s better than being dead.

Edited February 11, 2018 by Veronica73
Edit: also, I believe lifting heavy weights is a really good anti-aging exercise. And it increases your metabolism.

[Veronica73]

Sorry if I was being presumptuous or giving too much advice. But there’s only so much you can do. Humans age. It’s not the end of the world, or it shouldn’t be. At least that’s what I think. I think it should be the same as for the rest of your life. Make the best of what you have been given and be the best person you can be. And accept what you cannot change and have no control over.

[treehugger12]

I too think you are being very hard on yourself, do things that make you feel good and pretty, isn’t the whole idea of being married is to grow old together? My husband and I hiked 8 miles back country today, in the end we were high 5in because we felt so good that we did it, it’s all about doing things for yourself to make yourself feel good about yourself, I’m sure you are a beautiful person inside and out.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Wow!

 

I can't believe the way the OP speaks of herself and her husband! Damn.

 

With age is supposed to come the wisdom to realize that outward appearance is superficial. . .

 

Don't get me wrong we all would like to feel loved and appreciated. But it does not in anyway make or break me (or anyone for that matter) as a person.

 

I doubt there is any individual on this planet (M or F) who would rank my personal physical attractiveness a 10 (or even close to a 10) - but that doesn't bother me at all! If you asked my wife, she would say the whole package is at least an 8, if not a 9. . . That of course factors in all the years I have been with her and the ability to support her not only financially, but emotionally and every other way.

 

If I was all hung up on how attractive I looked in the mirror it would likely detract from all the other things I focus on to keep our marriage and household strong.

 

Aging and experiencing life is actually part of the process of living. Stop focusing on the superficial aspects of your appearance. START LIVING!

LOVE DEEPER!

 

I think you have so much more to give your husband and family than your looks. . . Think about it.

[merrmeade]

He does use that to watch porn (sorry if I've violated the rules). I know this for a fact because I'll find evidence of what he used to catch (sorry, I'm being so gross). I don't even check the computer because it's useless. I know he's doing it a lot.

Hi, I had this issue and was willing to live with it, too, but one day, I told him about a TED talk I'd just listened to. It was about studies investigating erectile disfunction in young men addicted to internet porn. After that he pretty much stopped. I truly didn't care and it wasn't even an argument because it's just a simple piece of information.

 

Also, I don't know if this will help but my husband really doesn't seem to care about my less than perfect body. He still wants sex just as often. It doesn't make me less self-conscious, however, either; I'm just as prone to turn down the lights. It helps and I try to tell myself that it's me, not him. I think sometimes our awareness of our imperfections makes us project criticism on others a lot more. Just a thought.

 

Here's a quote from NIH about the study (and link):

Traditional factors that once explained men’s sexual difficulties appear insufficient to account for the sharp rise in erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, decreased sexual satisfaction, and diminished libido during partnered sex in men under 40... Clinical reports suggest that terminating Internet pornography use is sometimes sufficient to reverse negative effects, ...

 

and a link to the

. It's easy to make puns on the subject matter, so it's quite funny in parts.

 

Anyway, if young men are stopping porn in order to get their mojo back, you can be sure old men won't want to be the only ones left in the dark.

Edited February 13, 2018 by merrmeade
wrong quote