Getting older and not coping well with the physical changed (neither is H)

[BluesPower]

Also, I don't know if this will help but my husband really doesn't seem to care about my less than perfect body. He still wants sex just as often. It doesn't make me less self-conscious, however, either; I'm just as prone to turn down the lights. It helps and I try to tell myself that it's me, not him. I think sometimes our awareness of our imperfections makes us project criticism on others a lot more. Just a thought.

 

The thing that... I wish more women would understand is this: When we are in love with you, that wrinkle or few extra pounds makes no difference to us in any way.

 

And, I feel that it is my job to make the woman I am with feel like the most beautiful, sexy woman in the world.

 

Because to me, she is, inside and out or I would not be with her.

 

Sometimes I just gaze at her when she is naked out of the shower putting on her make up. A truly beautiful sight...

[justanotheroneofyou]

Hi, I had this issue and was willing to live with it, too, but one day, I told him about a TED talk I'd just listened to. It was about studies investigating erectile disfunction in young men addicted to internet porn. After that he pretty much stopped. I truly didn't care and it wasn't even an argument because it's just a simple piece of information.

 

Also, I don't know if this will help but my husband really doesn't seem to care about my less than perfect body. He still wants sex just as often. It doesn't make me less self-conscious, however, either; I'm just as prone to turn down the lights. It helps and I try to tell myself that it's me, not him. I think sometimes our awareness of our imperfections makes us project criticism on others a lot more. Just a thought.

 

Here's a quote from NIH about the study (and link):

Traditional factors that once explained men’s sexual difficulties appear insufficient to account for the sharp rise in erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, decreased sexual satisfaction, and diminished libido during partnered sex in men under 40... Clinical reports suggest that terminating Internet pornography use is sometimes sufficient to reverse negative effects, ...

 

and a link to the

. It's easy to make puns on the subject matter, so it's quite funny in parts.

 

Anyway, if young men are stopping porn in order to get their mojo back, you can be sure old men won't want to be the only ones left in the dark.

 

 

Thank you for this! I am sending this to him as soon as I type here.

 

First of all - thank you, everyone. No one was presumptuous and I like this board because it's not as censored and namby-pamby as many.

 

As for the porn, I've always considered myself enlightened on that issue. I don't really care if he uses it and I use it myself when I feel like it. But, that study completely makes sense and it's stuff I've known for a long time (the studies showing how it has its effects); I've casually read on the issue. As atheists or, at least, agnostics, we try to steer clear of rhetoric that over-demonizes porn. I think while doing so and trying to avoid sounding uber-religious, it's easy to ignore the fact that porn does in fact disrupt sexual health, especially when the newness factor wears off and when people are trying to go about their daily routine and want to have that experience without all the fanfare or rigmarole, to put it crassly. I think he agrees that it can be detrimental.

 

As for both of us being highly critical, I'd say it's true, and, I agree - it's quite unfortunate. I'm a tit-for-tat person, so when I saw him being critical of me (he doesn't realize how much I notice), I began returning the favor. For example, if we were in the light, in the car, I'd notice him fixating on parts of me, like my neck, that are clearly showing my age and probably pretty shocking in the daylight since in the house, we don't regularly stand under spotlights. I finally said, "Um, dude, stop looking at me, you aren't exactly reverse aging." He was kind of stumped that I picked up on this, since he wasn't being overt. He denied it. It could be in my head, but, "coincidentally", he doesn't do this anymore. Bingo.

 

As for aging, I would say 45 is a bit late. I'm not disagreeing, necessarily. 45 is probably just another wonderful milestone in the marathon, but, I had already noticed many really declining by the late 30s at our 20-year reunion. Mostly the smokers and heavy drinkers, but many others had full on wrinkles already. Much different than our 10th. Granted, some still hadn't really been touched by age, but most had. Early 40s, forget it. I know very few outside of Hollywood who look fabulous anymore, even some of my wealthier cousins who have access to great plastic surgeons still show their age.

 

It just really sucks that I'm not vulnerable at all. I can't even imagine going home and saying, "Wow, partner, I'm really feeling like I don't look good." I'm afraid by saying this, I will instead have put more ideas and fixations in his head. I'm always in competition with him. Meanwhile, he says self-deprecating things like, "I'm such a ****f*** [about himself]" or "I have old man eyes now". We really have to be careful in front of our young daughter. This has got to be unhealthy but I don't think she picks up yet.

 

I just want to grow old happy, not dreading the day I will no longer be even remotely attractive.

 

I am making a hair appointment for Friday. Not sure what to do because I know highlights can go amok and my recollection of them is bad 80s blond zebra stripes and I don't want to spend a fortune and come home and redye with a box. That's not what I want and what terrified me.

 

Any suggestions of what to tell them?

 

Thank you for reading. I'm sorry to sound so vain. A lot of my worth has been predicated on my looks and my confidence in them, so as they are fading, I feel like an intrinsic part of me is also fading even though I enjoy professional status regardless of looks.

Edited February 13, 2018 by justanotheroneofyou

[merrmeade]

A lot of my worth has been predicated on my looks and my confidence in them, so as they are fading,

I totally get this

[OneParadox]

I also see two different dimensions to your situation: one is the way you are dealing with aging and the second one is how you and your spouse deal with the dynamics of a long term marriage.

 

First: don't pick a fight with time and age. I can guaranty time always wins. Getting old is part of the packaged deal of life.

 

Also remember you should always be your own best friend. Meaning: the person you talk to the most is yourself (yep, we all talk to ourselves ALL the time... hopefully quietly in our heads!). Be kind to yourself. Give yourself good advice without being mean or unrealistic, just as you would do to your very best friend. This means you should encourage yourself to be active, healthy, and sexy but don't beat yourself up or bully yourself because you don't look 24 anymore.

 

Now, as far as the complications that come with long term marriages I would encourage you to research Ester Perel's book "Mating In Captivity" (no need to read the book, there is also a TED talk from her on Youtube about it). Turns out marriages -like everything else in the Universe- are not immune to time. There is a lot more about this subject but that might be a good place to start.

 

And last, but not least, women in their 40's are way hotter than clueless 20-yr old girls.

[RecentChange]

I probably look in the mirror 30 times an hour to see if things have change, the light is more friendly, etc. Contrary to what it seems, I am pretty normal, hold down a job, am a good parent, etc.

 

I don't know... maybe I am outliar, maybe its because I never placed my self worth on my looks - but man this sounds EXTREME! There is no reason on god's green earth to feel this bad about yourself over a few neck wrinkles.

 

I also do not know of any red blooded men who would ever allow a few neck wrinkles to affect their libido. I know my husband loves me, and loves being intimate with me, even if I have some sagging skin, or extra pounds etc.

 

And I can be vulnerable to him, and he can be with me. We love and trust each other, and thats part of it - I feel vulnerability is an essential ingredient to a good marriage. If you can't let your guard down around your spouse, then when can you?

 

It honestly sounds like you have a bit of body dysmorphia. I am also far from convinced that anyone else is fixating on this - I think you are choosing to see what you want to.

 

My advice? This sounds like a pretty miserable way to live, and I kinda doubt it will go away with plastic surgery.

 

Maybe talk to a counselor? Get some tools in place to change this very negative self talk you have going? Talk to someone to help you realize this a very unhealthy fixation, and get some guidance on how to stop this cycle?

[justanotheroneofyou]

I also see two different dimensions to your situation: one is the way you are dealing with aging and the second one is how you and your spouse deal with the dynamics of a long term marriage.

 

First: don't pick a fight with time and age. I can guaranty time always wins. Getting old is part of the packaged deal of life.

 

Also remember you should always be your own best friend. Meaning: the person you talk to the most is yourself (yep, we all talk to ourselves ALL the time... hopefully quietly in our heads!). Be kind to yourself. Give yourself good advice without being mean or unrealistic, just as you would do to your very best friend. This means you should encourage yourself to be active, healthy, and sexy but don't beat yourself up or bully yourself because you don't look 24 anymore.

 

Now, as far as the complications that come with long term marriages I would encourage you to research Ester Perel's book "Mating In Captivity" (no need to read the book, there is also a TED talk from her on Youtube about it). Turns out marriages -like everything else in the Universe- are not immune to time. There is a lot more about this subject but that might be a good place to start.

 

And last, but not least, women in their 40's are way hotter than clueless 20-yr old girls.

 

 

Very true about the two dimensions and everything else.

 

Mostly, I wish I could slide into old age with a partner, not someone who I feel I have to walk on eggshells around. Generally, he's very critical as that's part of who he is/has to be, intellectually. We both do--but I'm not as obsessed. He's really critical of himself as well. He doesn't let things slide and has really high standards for himself and others. It's hard being around someone like this. I, too, have my own share of flaws. Maybe we are made for each other and I don't mean that positively.

 

I mean, I could never be that person who walked around in my underwear in front of him, used the bathroom, didn't wear makeup, looked slovenly, etc. That's just not how we are. I will do that when I'm alone, though.

 

I have come to be guarded against him to avoid criticism. I don't let his flaws slide, either, and I make mention of them in order to save up for when he criticizes me. Not a way to live--I know. I do file away lots of things but I will not let myself be criticized because I become extremely vicious.

 

One day last year, when I first began noticing my neck and hands, my sophomoric, silly neighbor was telling us how she wants to do botox. She's only 30 and has no wrinkles, etc. My husband, oblivious to the fact that I draw connections, said, innocently, "don't bother with the boxtox; the real signs of again are the neck and hands." I can bet my life on it that he was speaking from having analyzed me. I saw him looking at my neck one day and he said, "I think you have something on your neck." It was just sagging from the weight loss and gain and in the light, it looked more like a shadow, or dirt. That's the first time he saw it, I think. I want to mention that he wasn't being passive aggressive with the neighbor or trying to slight me. He just isn't smooth and didn't realize I was making the connections.

 

At any rate, my cosmetic surgeon told me that he can simply fix that part of my neck with a quick incision and I'll probably get this done over the summer. It's excess skin that results from the wide fluctuations in weight/rapid loss/gain. I don't necessarily think I should throw down cash to reverse what's natural, but the neck thing is because of loss and gain as it's too early for that exact process to be visible. So, I'm going to go for it and look into other things, besides my standard botox.

 

I am reading "The State of the Affairs." In actuality, I haven't begun because I've been reading and posting here. I find it interesting here. I do have it and I got the name after reading here.

Edited February 13, 2018 by justanotheroneofyou

[Pyrennah]

A lot of my worth has been predicated on my looks and my confidence in them, so as they are fading, I feel like an intrinsic part of me is also fading

 

Really sad.

 

Maybe you’re just going to have to grow as a person and not put so much worth on physical appearance. Like people who are less genetically blessed have to learn to do when they are younger and don’t match up to all those people who naturally look good. Age is the great equalizer.

 

(Edit) And I find it a little hard to imagine that at 43 you are such a hag that nobody is attracted to you. 43 isn’t that old. I suspect that much of this is in your head, and you give of the air of defeat or something. Your post about yourself sure sounds harsh. If your husband isn’t attracted to you any longer because you have aged, he sounds like a shallow jerk. But you kind of sound the same way with the way you talk about yourself.

 

Seriously. This.

 

Do people just put sex aside because face it, you are no longer 'hot' and what is deemed sexy?

 

No, because most rational people aren't hung up on what is considered sexy by society. They're busy living their lives and valuing themselves and their spouses more. I feel sorry for you. You must be so empty on the inside.

[RecentChange]

 

I mean, I could never be that person who walked around in my underwear in front of him....didn't wear makeup, looked slovenly, etc. That's just not how we are. I will do that when I'm alone, though.

 

Wow, I couldn't imagine living like this.

 

What do you do when you fall ill? Catch flu? Hide from him? Do you wear makeup 24/7?

 

I can now see what you mean about walking on eggshells shells.

 

This is your partner for life, isn't the love you share, the connection more than skin deep? Doesn't he love the HUMAN you are?

 

My husband is the one person I do not need to feel self-conscious around. I know he loves ME. My mind and spirit - don't you want something like that?

[Veronica73]

Do you live in LA or Miami or someplace like that? Because the way you are talking about aging really does seem EXTREMELY extreme. I mean, I’m older than you, I’ve had NO work done on myself including Botox or fillers, have never been considered a “10” or anything like that, and I still have very attractive, successful single men hitting on me. I don’t live on a coast, so I suspect standards are considerably lower here than someplace like LA or Miami. I’m glad I don’t live someplace like that. I’d probably feel like sh*t too.

[RecentChange]

Eh, I used to live in LA (well Orange County).

 

Yes, there are surgery centers everywhere... Even strip mall. But you can choose to bite into that crap, or not.

 

I just think it's sad a very natural, and inevitable part of being human is causing so much stress and self hate.

 

I wear my age like a badge. I am proud of the years I have spent on this Earth, and the wisdom each of those years gave me.

[Veronica73]

Very true about the two dimensions and everything else.

 

Mostly, I wish I could slide into old age with a partner, not someone who I feel I have to walk on eggshells around. Generally, he's very critical as that's part of who he is/has to be, intellectually. We both do--but I'm not as obsessed. He's really critical of himself as well. He doesn't let things slide and has really high standards for himself and others. It's hard being around someone like this. I, too, have my own share of flaws. Maybe we are made for each other and I don't mean that positively.

 

I mean, I could never be that person who walked around in my underwear in front of him, used the bathroom, didn't wear makeup, looked slovenly, etc. That's just not how we are. I will do that when I'm alone, though.

 

I have come to be guarded against him to avoid criticism. I don't let his flaws slide, either, and I make mention of them in order to save up for when he criticizes me. Not a way to live--I know. I do file away lots of things but I will not let myself be criticized because I become extremely vicious.

 

One day last year, when I first began noticing my neck and hands, my sophomoric, silly neighbor was telling us how she wants to do botox. She's only 30 and has no wrinkles, etc. My husband, oblivious to the fact that I draw connections, said, innocently, "don't bother with the boxtox; the real signs of again are the neck and hands." I can bet my life on it that he was speaking from having analyzed me. I saw him looking at my neck one day and he said, "I think you have something on your neck." It was just sagging from the weight loss and gain and in the light, it looked more like a shadow, or dirt. That's the first time he saw it, I think. I want to mention that he wasn't being passive aggressive with the neighbor or trying to slight me. He just isn't smooth and didn't realize I was making the connections.

 

At any rate, my cosmetic surgeon told me that he can simply fix that part of my neck with a quick incision and I'll probably get this done over the summer. It's excess skin that results from the wide fluctuations in weight/rapid loss/gain. I don't necessarily think I should throw down cash to reverse what's natural, but the neck thing is because of loss and gain as it's too early for that exact process to be visible. So, I'm going to go for it and look into other things, besides my standard botox.

 

I am reading "The State of the Affairs." In actuality, I haven't begun because I've been reading and posting here. I find it interesting here. I do have it and I got the name after reading here.

 

Honey.... I don’t even know what to say. I can say...”Learn to not put so much value on your physical appearance”...but if your husband still does... then that’s tough. So I don’t know what to say. Except that aging is natural and that there are SOOOOOOOOOOOOO many things more important than physical appearance. And you only have so much time on this earth and wasting it on worrying about crap you can’t do much, if anything about, in order to please somebody else’s (even if this person is the love of your life) shallow values... or what you THINK are their values... is a waste of time in my opinion. This is your life and its the only one you have!! Spend it doing things you get pleasure from. Not worrying about your neck wrinkles. Seriously. I say this with love.

[justanotheroneofyou]

Really sad.

 

Pretty normal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No, because most rational people aren't hung up on what is considered sexy by society. They're busy living their lives and valuing themselves and their spouses more. I feel sorry for you. You must be so empty on the inside.

 

 

Really? Most bonified research, including Dove campaigns and otherwise, indicates that society is obsessed by this. Ask any New York ad agency. There's much research on how this is particularly detrimental to young girls. Let's not pretend we all live in a high-minded world where we are immune to these things.

 

Countless studies point to this. While you deem it irrational, you can't deny sentiments as such exist, everywhere. Social media, etc., have exacerbated this problem--one that is not exclusive to, but is excessively present among pre-teen/teen girls.

 

No need to feel sorry for me. Your sweeping judgments are a bit "off."

[RecentChange]

But you understand that the choice to bite into this, this cult of vanity, is yours right?

 

You aren't a pre-teen girl with a poor identity of self, you are a mature woman.

 

I am curious. Was your mother this way? Did your father place a high value on your physical appearance?

 

You could choose to be higher minded and reject this? Millions and millions of women do.

 

Choice is yours. Believe these things and feel this way about yourself, or do some real soul searching and ask yourself what really is of value during your time on this Earth.

Edited February 14, 2018 by RecentChange

[Just a Guy]

Hi Just, do you seriously subscribe to what you have written about in your posts? After reading all you have to say I am coming around to the belief that your problem is not so much to do with the effects of age on your body as it has to do with the relationship you have with your husband. He seems to be hypercritical and you have become hypersensitive in response to his attitude towards you and the world in general. Age is an inexorable change master. Wrinkles and cellulite and love handles are all part of the aging process. So are stretch marks for women who have babies. All these are inevitable events in a person's life. Maybe your husband will suffer from ED at some point. Will you hold that against him if it is part of his aging process? As one grows older the body's metabolism keeps slowing down. It is best to make peace with this process, accept it's inevitability and move on gracefully.

 

Self worth comes from inside of you and is based on one's sense of values and ethics. One's personality, intellect, purpose in life and goals are what define us in the true sense and we value ourselves against the weight of those traits. Our external looks should be way down on the scale of our worth as something that defines us. You quoted a dove campaign to state that most people are hooked on youthful looks and that being sexy and slim is what people want. The fact is that advertisers hype things, work on peoples insecurities and create needs which did not exist before and then sell products tailor made to feed those insecurities. This does not validate the reality of the situation. At some level apparently, you do not value yourself and are suffering from some sort of low self esteem. I would suggest IC for this for you to ground yourself and try and find the true value hiding within you. You do not need your husband's validation if he is incapable of giving it to you. You need your own validation. Once you are able to recognize that all these vague fears I'm your mind will vanish. I would also suggest that you and your husband get marriage counselling. Walking around on eggshells is not the way a married couple spends their time together. Crush those eggshells under your feet. Warm wishes.

[merrmeade]

I Agree;, there’s no reason for such harsh judgment. You came here and opened up to a bunch of strangers. You don’t need to be bashed for Your honesty. You’re not hurting anyone.

 

I would like to suggest, however, that you take the spirit of this criticism as something to think about. I think it would be really good for you to learn to love yourself regardless of what your husband thinks or anyone else. It’s a great place to be for each of us and hard place to get two for everyone. I’m sure there’s more to you than what you look like. Talking to a therapist goes a long way to realizing the happiness that is yourself

[ambiv123]

I’m hesitant to post a reply because I’m in a difficult place myself right now and I doubt my ability to offer useful advice, but I wanted to take the time to say I read your posts and, while I can only empathise slightly having just started balding, the objective me would say that the true issue lies with your communication and ability to be open and comfortable in front of your husband. Once that is improved, you would be in a better position to decide what treatments and actions to take to make you happy with your body.

 

Having been broaching a lot of sensitive and emotionally vulnerable subjects myself recently, one observation I have had is that you must be very careful when opening up about fears and insecurities to make sure you are only talking about how you feel. That is, avoid making sweeping generalisations or statements that criticise the other person. For example, if something your husband said hurt you, you probably shouldn’t respond with ‘you aren’t exactly reverse ageing’. Start from a place of vulnerability, and offer something to the effect of ‘I’m feeling really sensitive about the changes in my body and it concerns me how that affects our relationship. Some of the things you say make me feel bad about myself, and I’d like to talk about how we can work this out together’.

 

This kind of textbook approach might not work for everyone, and it certainly won’t be easy if you don’t have a history communicating in this way, but it has always worked for me in difficult situations to at least get things out in the open without offending the other person. Remember, you’re only communicating how you feel, not judging him. It’s very hard for anyone to argue you cannot feel a certain way, so that’s how you open a door to discussion.

 

Apologies if this seems trivial or you have already tried it. But sometimes even the most basic ideas are worth repeating.