Liftedfog Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 (edited) I was married to my ex for 19 years. I had to leave him when he started showing signs of severe mental illness, psychosis, delusions, possibly schizophrenia. This came on suddenly. He was not sick when I married him and was not sick during the marriage. He choked me in a psychotic rage with kids watching. He was arrested and children and I left the home. A year after while we continued to live separately for my and kids safety reasons he had still refused medical treatment so I had to file for separation. I gave him ample time to stick to medical treatment. He refuses because doesn't think he is sick. So now he remains unemployed, homeless. I have sole custody of our children. He is only allowed supervised visits with them at a center. He has refused to attend for 3 years now. He doesn't want to be "watched". It feeds into his psychosis. He doesn't pay child support because he is not working and will likely never work with his illness due to him refusing medical help. His lawyer is seeking that I pay him spousal! Not only do I have to support my children on my own but now I could be expected to pay him spousal! I only make $70,000/year I have two children to financially support and put a roof over there heads. If he took his medication, he could be productive and keep a job. He doesn't have an incurable disease or terminal illness that he can't work. By not taking his meds, he self sabatoges his ability to keep a job. What is the likelihood of a judge ordering me to pay him spousal. I have so much anxiety over this. Edited February 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and clarify title Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 You need the advice from a lawyer. Whatever people on LS think of your husband does not matter. Time to file for divorce. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 Where are you? State/country. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 I'm sorry to say this but my boyfriend is in a similar situation and he has been paying spousal support for five years now. The symptoms of her mental illness didn't appear until they had their first child. She is undiagnosed and has not had treatment. She is not working and is not capable of working without treatment. It seems so unfair to me, but it was what was agreed in the settlement. When he bought her out of the house, my boyfriend actually renegotiated his mortgage to put the money aside. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liftedfog Posted February 11, 2018 Author Share Posted February 11, 2018 I'm in Canada. I also have sole custody of our two young children. And he won't be paying child support. How can I be expected to past him spousal when I have two kids to financially provide for on my own? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liftedfog Posted February 11, 2018 Author Share Posted February 11, 2018 Sorry I meant pay him spousal Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 I'm in Canada. I also have sole custody of our two young children. And he won't be paying child support. How can I be expected to past him spousal when I have two kids to financially provide for on my own? Also Canada. In our case, they share custody. He pays child support and spousal support. It's a significant sum of money... I wonder if it will be different because you are the custodial parent. I also wonder if it will be different because he has a diagnosis and should be on disability? Only your lawyer can answer these questions. When I first met him, I asked how she pays her rent if she is not working. His response - "I do!" His last payment in next month and to say that he is excited would be an understatement. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liftedfog Posted February 11, 2018 Author Share Posted February 11, 2018 Bailey, my heart breaks for your boyfriend. How horrible to pay spousal to a mentally I'll person who refuses treatment. Just awful! Its disabilty benefits that she needs so she then has to be under doctors care. She needs forced medical care not hard earned money for her to squander. Is the child even safe with her? It makes me so angry. I'm freaking out over this possibility. I'm thinking of buying a home and having mortgage payments. I won't have any money to give him at the end of the month. But I'm scared to take that risk of then having to uproot my children and sell the home because I have to pay a sick man. My kids have already lost so much. They lost their dad, we lost the family home and now this. So painful. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 Do not buy a house in an attempt to shelter your assets unless your lawyer tells you to. You would be in real trouble with mortgage payments AND the obligation to pay him. The rules are different when one spouse is sick, even if they don't take their meds. Substitute the word "cancer" for whatever your EX's diagnosis is & see if that changes your heart. I can't help but wonder if the beginnings of this disease are what led to the choking incident. In the short run I'd be looking into hiring expert witnesses who could testify that your EX is employable when medicated and what amounts he could be collecting from disability assuming he qualifies. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 Bailey, my heart breaks for your boyfriend. How horrible to pay spousal to a mentally I'll person who refuses treatment. Just awful! Its disabilty benefits that she needs so she then has to be under doctors care. She needs forced medical care not hard earned money for her to squander. Is the child even safe with her? It makes me so angry. I'm freaking out over this possibility. I'm thinking of buying a home and having mortgage payments. I won't have any money to give him at the end of the month. But I'm scared to take that risk of then having to uproot my children and sell the home because I have to pay a sick man. My kids have already lost so much. They lost their dad, we lost the family home and now this. So painful. The child is older and safe with his mom. It's not always a healthy situation, but he is safe. If he was younger, it would be a different story. My boyfriend monitors the situation closely and he is prepared to step in, if needed. Yes, I would definitely NOT buy a house before you know the situation with the divorce. Hugs to you, your kids have suffered a lot of loss and you have had a tremendous amount of stress. I hope it gets easier for you soon. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 The rules are different when one spouse is sick, even if they don't take their meds. Substitute the word "cancer" for whatever your EX's diagnosis is & see if that changes your heart. True enough, mental illness is an illness in much the same way that cancer is an illness. I remind my boyfriends often, when he says that she WON'T work, that she actually CAN'T work right now. I have great concern, empathy, and compassion for his ex-wife. That said, it is FRUSTRATING when we are having to deal with her unpredictable and unreliable behavior. Especially, knowing that she could get treatment and be functional in this world. That is the sad reality of mental illness... many individuals refuse treatment and/or go on and off their meds for much of their lives. I had no appreciation for that, until I have witnessed it and seen how her illness and her unwillingness to get treatment affects my boyfriend and her son. In that way, it is very different than cancer. I have compassion for the fact that her illness essentially prevents her from seeking treatment, but boy oh boy, it's hard to watch and frustrating to deal with on a day to day basis... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liftedfog Posted February 11, 2018 Author Share Posted February 11, 2018 (edited) I would not be buying a house to shelter my money. When the children and I fled the home in 2013, we were offered shelter with family. It was supposed to be temporary. It ended up being 5 years now. Myself and two children share a 10 by 10 room. They are boys. It is no longer appropriate or healthy for me to share a room with them. Not to mention it is crammed in the small home we have been offered shelter. 7 people living in a tiny home. No quiet space or a desk for my children to do homework. The current arrangement is not in the best interest for my kids. They are getting older. The current arrangement is no longer sustsinable. We lost our family home to debt after we left. I see nothing wrong with a mother providing a home for her children after everything we have been through. But its a risk because I'm not sure how the judge would see this. I'm putting my kids first by providing a home for them. Who would choose to give $1000 to a mentally I'll spouse instead of putting a roof over their children's heads. I just don't get it. Edited February 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 (edited) I totally respect your plan to get an appartment or a home for yourself and your children. I really hope that you are able to make this happen for your family. I'm just saying, I would not commit to anything until you know how much money you will be able to spend on rent/mortgage. Talk to your lawyer... Edited February 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of immediately preceding post Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 You are allowed to have a proper living space. Housing is a legitimate deduction from the money you have available to pay support. Just talk to a lawyer before you do anything. I guarantee that if you are to win this you are going to need those experts & those cost money. Best wishes. The situation sounds awful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liftedfog Posted February 11, 2018 Author Share Posted February 11, 2018 Please let's not compare cancer to mental illness. It doesn't apply in my case. If he had cancer or any other type of illness we would still be together. I would not be divorcing him. We are only divorcing because he became psychotic. Without meds, its not safe for me and kids to stay with him. Look at the news and hear cases about schizofrenic people off their meds. That horror was my reality for 6 months before he choked me and police ordered no contact with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liftedfog Posted February 11, 2018 Author Share Posted February 11, 2018 Thank you all for your time in replying. If you watched the movie a beautiful mind, I lived this. The most scariest thing in my life to go through. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 Please let's not compare cancer to mental illness. It doesn't apply in my case. If he had cancer or any other type of illness we would still be together. I would not be divorcing him. We are only divorcing because he became psychotic. Without meds, its not safe for me and kids to stay with him. Look at the news and hear cases about schizofrenic people off their meds. That horror was my reality for 6 months before he choked me and police ordered no contact with him. You have done the right thing. You and your children need to be safe. Your children need to feel safe and secure in their home. Thank goodness, you had others who were willing to help by providing a roof over your head when you needed it most. I can't imagine how hard this has been for you. You are a strong woman and a wonderful mother. Best wishes to you and your family. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Liftedfog Posted February 11, 2018 Author Share Posted February 11, 2018 God bless bailey. Thanks for your kind words. My children are my complete focus. I don't speak negative of their dad, ever. I tell them daddy brain got sick and he can't help making wrong decisions. Wrong decisions being he is not taking his meds to get better and he is not going to access visits to see them. Its like he has died. I have mourned the death of a spouse I knew since high school. He is no longer the same person. That fact that he is homeless kills me and I don't tell the children that. I have lots of compassion for him but I'm all my children have left. Its on my shoulders to raise them and financially provide for their daily needs including university or college in the future. I had to learn that I can't own his illness. I couldn't save him. But the laws may see it differently. That is my greatest fear right now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 Why are you and your boys living in one room for five years when you make 70,000 a year? 70k isn't a lot of money in Canada, especially when you are supporting children but it's certainly enough money to rent your own apartment or other type of suite (bsmt, main floor, duplex) where you and your kids can have seperate bedrooms. I would suggest you at least rent your own place ASAP because when it comes to calculating things like child support and spousal support your income and expenses are taken into consideration. If you are currently living rent free or only paying a few hundred bucks a month then you have more disposable income for your ex to come after. Then if he gets a chunk of your money you might end up truly stuck where you are. However the very first thing you need to do is talk to a reputable lawyer. Many offer the first consultation free of charge. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 I would suggest you at least rent your own place ASAP because when it comes to calculating things like child support and spousal support your income and expenses are taken into consideration. If you are currently living rent free or only paying a few hundred bucks a month then you have more disposable income for your ex to come after. Then if he gets a chunk of your money you might end up truly stuck where you are. However the very first thing you need to do is talk to a reputable lawyer. Good point. You really must talk with a lawyer, if you haven't already. You need to have some idea of what to expect. No sense in buying a $400,000 house if you will be required to pay spousal support, and can only afford $1000/month for an apartment. God bless you too. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 Good point. You really must talk with a lawyer, if you haven't already. You need to have some idea of what to expect. No sense in buying a $400,000 house if you will be required to pay spousal support, and can only afford $1000/month for an apartment. God bless you too. And depending where you are in Canada, you can't get a house for 400G's. First thing is speak to a lawyer to find out exactly what could happen. Does your ex have siblings? Parents? Aunts/uncles? Just wondering if he shunned everybody along the way during his break down. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 (edited) Hi Lifted fog, yours is a very sad story. I would have thought that someone who was mentally ill and particularly if he/ she were prone to violence, that they would be institutionalized even against their wishes so that necessary treatment could be administered to them. Was your husband earning a good income while he was stable? Also, would the kind of work he was doing be critical enough for him to be able to get back in the workforce if he were to get treated and regain a normal mental state? If he is homeless how is he managing? Does he stay at a shelter for the homeless or with relatives? Do any of his close relatives help him out financially? If you were married to him for nineteen years then I suppose he was working for a few years before you got married. Would he not have had something like the equivalent of the 401k that US citizens have? If that be true then can he not encash it now that he is not employable? I am just surmising as I have no idea how this works where you live but it would be good if it is possible. You have been given good advice by most of the folks on here who are quite knowledgeable about this kind of a situation. Just keep your morale up and speak to a lawyer at the earliest about your problem. Warm wishes. Edited February 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 Dealing with a person who has untreated mental illness is exhausting. How does a mentally ill homeless person afford an attorney? Please contact an attorney. I'm not sure how Canadian law works. He's been making it on his own this long, it seems ludicrous that you should be forced to support him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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