I don't want sympathy, I want truth. How to handle threats

[feelinglikeanger]

Horrible night last night and found this online resource. I need perspective from objective people.

 

About 4 months ago, my fiance' came up with a business idea and she asked me to help her get a line of credit. She went through a divorce and while she makes good money, she has poor credit. She wanted me to co-sign but said she would fully pay the bills. I told her I could not sign anything to help her and that it would be risky for me. She also kept telling me she thought she could get laid off from her current job. She made a lot of money and the company was going through cut-backs.

 

Her business idea required software development. I felt that she was not thinking clearly when she tried to hire a developer to fulfill her software requests. I told her that she should concentrate on her other work, and not on some project that would require money to get off the ground.

 

She tried to get a loan (behind my back) and she failed. But, she got lucky and found a developer who was willing to invest in her idea. He is extremely wealthy and wanted to tackle it. He also agreed to give her enough money to cover her current salary, so she could quit and focus on the project and get it launched.

 

She was very excited. I told her that since it is a software that will have some involvement initially with my profession, I could give her advice. She took it.

I told her I wanted to meet these "investors" because initially I will be honest, I was wondering what was really happening or who she was meeting.

 

They are indeed wealthy successful people. I told her that I hoped they would get through her project fast so I could start pitching them MY ideas. They are actually better than hers. She didn't take that well.

 

So, fights began and I told her that I wanted to be paid for my time. If they are going to pay her to quit her job, they can pay me for my insight. I wanted equity and she said no. So, she arranged to get me a couple of grand a month to help the developer test the software on my professional platform. She also spent 1500 dollars of her own money (she keeps reminding me) to get me set up with the proper equipment.

 

She asked me to start selling it (before she got investors) and I told her absolutely not. I was not going to 'sell her software' and I wasn't going to work for her. Ever. I told her that was like asking her to be my receptionist.

Again, another fight.

 

It's been up and down, but last week I saw the software with her when it was unveiled and it's very good. I gave insight to the developer and told him how it could be even more customized. It's all very technical and I also think that way...she does not. She and the developer need me for this. I am helping in a way no other person in my profession would.

 

This brings us to last night. She got upset over something and told me that it was interesting how I am constantly pitching this idea now to big companies and saying it's something that "I" am working on. She was extremely angry and said that she couldn't believe how I had such a change of heart now that investors are involved and that I wouldn't support her idea before she got money.

 

I told her that I was sick of her attitude and I was going to email her developer and investors and let them know that I am OUT. I will not tolerate her abuse anymore. She freaked out and called me an *******. She said that my role in the full testing of the platform was just beginning and that if I pulled out now I would screw her and possibly her business. She appears worried she would lose her investors if she shows instability. Rightfully so. She is unstable, imo.

 

I made it very clear that she had NOTHING but an idea and that I polished her idea and she would 1000 percent fail if she doesn't have me involved. She asked if it was a threat and I said it's not...it's reality. I told her she doesn't even understand how the software works and she wants all the credit?

 

She owns 51 percent equity and the investors have the other portion and I don't have any equity. She said that I would get equity by default when we are married since are in a community property state. I told her I am done. I will not help and I will watch her fail. I challenged her to go find someone else to help her. She's cheap...only paying me a couple grand a month when she is getting a salary from these investors? She says it's because all the money (her salary included) comes from the same pot and once that pot goes dry she may not get more. She says she is doing me a 'favor'.

 

 

I am really at a crossroads here. She wants all the credit for everything and she wants to use me along the way.

 

I told her this is why people walk away from people like her. She cried and cried and said I was cruel.

 

How do I deal with this victim like mentality?

Edited February 11, 2018 by feelinglikeanger

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

How do I deal with this victim like mentality?

 

Maybe get some therapy to help you overcome your victim mentality?

[feelinglikeanger]

I don't understand... I'm not a victim mentality.

[littleblackheart]

So what exactly is the extent of your input, other than 'insight' after she did all the hard graft and only when you realised her product was good, after you repeatedly refused to help her?

 

Have you apologised for your insensitive, patronising comments? Have you shown appreciation for the money you received (for minimal effort, so far as I can see)?

 

If you now want to be part of her project (as opposed to totally take over now the ground work has been done without you) ), at the very least you will need to eat some humble pie and acknowledge you were wrong not to believe in her. You don't just jump on the band-wagon.

 

You describe her as your fiancée - are you engaged to be married? Is this problem spilling onto your relationship or the symptom of something bigger? Are you usually suportive of what she does and this is only a one-off?

[BaileyB]

First things first, I think you should consider ending this relationship because what you have is not a partnership, it is a competition.

 

To be clear, she had an idea which you refused to fund (I don't blame you) or develop. She found an investor at which point you became more interested and started to take over... and now you are upset because you feel that you are not getting the credit that is due.

 

The moment that I would have dumped you is the moment that you said you hoped they would get through her ideas fast so that these people could begin investing in your ideas - because they are better. That's not cool. Her success is your success. She worked hard to make this happen and you should be supportive. You need to check your ego. You don't do something like that to someone you really love...

Edited February 11, 2018 by BaileyB

[feelinglikeanger]

I think I have bent over backwards to help her get the word out and she's just mad because she thinks I'm trying to claim it as my own.

 

Whatever connections I make for her...will help HER. Why does it matter if I say it's "our company".

 

I feel like SHE is in competition with me. And yes, you did hit one spot, she is angry that I started pitching some of my suggestions to her developer. But, it was just conversation...it wasn't "hey, take this project". I simply told him in conversation that I think a ...b and c...are good businesses to get into.

 

She said that was wrong -- it was CONVERSATION. And, yes, I think once he's done with her platform he should consider those things.

 

I don't think I need to apologize. SHE should apologize to me, imo. She was very disrespectful to me. And she will FAIL for SURE if I don't continue to direct this.

[BaileyB]

And she will FAIL for SURE if I don't continue to direct this.

 

Are you sure about this? What would make you think that?

 

Again, this is a very strong statement. IMHO, there is no place for this kind of thinking is a healthy and supportive relationship. This is your anger and your ego talking.

 

Continue with this behavior, and you will lose this relationship and this project. You may have lost it already... If she is smart, she will stand her ground and she will not tolerate your threats or emotionally abusive behavior.

[littleblackheart]

I think I have bent over backwards to help her get the word out and she's just mad because she thinks I'm trying to claim it as my own.

 

Whatever connections I make for her...will help HER. Why does it matter if I say it's "our company".

 

I feel like SHE is in competition with me. And yes, you did hit one spot, she is angry that I started pitching some of my suggestions to her developer. But, it was just conversation...it wasn't "hey, take this project". I simply told him in conversation that I think a ...b and c...are good businesses to get into.

 

She said that was wrong -- it was CONVERSATION. And, yes, I think once he's done with her platform he should consider those things.

 

I don't think I need to apologize. SHE should apologize to me, imo. She was very disrespectful to me. And she will FAIL for SURE if I don't continue to direct this.

 

Well let her make her own mistakes then, instead of trying to 'direct' or control a project that isn't yours, if you're so sure.

 

You know, I'd consider the things you have done so far as simply acting like a normal life partner. Why do you want to get paid for helping out your fiancée?

[anika99]

Yeah you already posted about this a few days ago under a different user name. As I recall your gf was given a lump sum and she has to make it last and if she gives you more money she will run out. Initially you offered your services in exchange for the free product then you demanded to be paid which she agreed to but now you want more.

 

You seem to enjoy belittling her and making her feel stupid and inept. I agree with everything she said to you. You refused to invest in her which was your right, so she went ahead and made things happen without you. Good for her! You should be proud of her and impressed by her courage and tenacity, instead you insult and belittle her all while demanding more and more.

 

You are not irreplaceable. She already had these investors on board before you ever agreed to give them feedback. If you pull out they will manage without you as they were fully prepared to do this before they even knew you. Your ego and your attitude is atrocious. I think your gf should get you totally out of her business and at the same time start thinking about if she wants to spend her life with a man who thinks so little of her, who is so unsupportive and who is downright mean.

 

Did you really think people were going to feel sympathy for you?

[BaileyB]

Yeah you already posted about this a few days ago under a different user name. As I recall your gf was given a lump sum and she has to make it last and if she gives you more money she will run out. Initially you offered your services in exchange for the free product then you demanded to be paid which she agreed to but now you want more.

 

You seem to enjoy belittling her and making her feel stupid and inept. I agree with everything she said to you. You refused to invest in her which was your right, so she went ahead and made things happen without you. Good for her! You should be proud of her and impressed by her courage and tenacity, instead you insult and belittle her all while demanding more and more.

 

You are not irreplaceable. She already had these investors on board before you ever agreed to give them feedback. If you pull out they will manage without you as they were fully prepared to do this before they even knew you. Your ego and your attitude is atrocious. I think your gf should get you totally out of her business and at the same time start thinking about if she wants to spend her life with a man who thinks so little of her, who is so unsupportive and who is downright mean.

 

Did you really think people were going to feel sympathy for you?

 

Interesting backstory.

 

I was wrong, it's not just your anger and ego talking. It's also your greed, and perhaps jealousy?

[Doorstopper]

I don't think you have to worry about getting sympathy. You don't deserve any.

 

You are nothing but a paid consultant in the business relationship. You had your chance. It doesn't matter if your ideas are better. Your girlfriend and her investor are taking all the risk. If you want to negotiate for more pay for what you are doing, that's fine but your girlfriend would be a fool to give you any equity. If she does, you could collude with the investor to take control of the company, and from what you've said here, I'd worry that you just might do that.

 

You have no respect whatsoever for your girlfriend. She must be strong and driven. So much so that investors gave her money to start a business with ideas that you thought weren't worth your involvement .... until her money came in.

 

 

She makes a really good point about marriage and equity. Why do you need equity? If she marries you, you have company ownership. You honestly seem butthurt that your fiance is succeeding in an idea you had reservations about.

 

Be happy for her! Apologize, and give her all the credit she deserves.

[wmacbride]

First off, I would advise you to not marry this woman, or, with your attitude, any woman.

 

When you are married to someone, you love them and their success is your success. It shouldn't ever be a competition, but that is what you have turned it in to. Instead of " oh honey, you have a great idea. I'm sorry I can't help financially, but I am here 100 percent to support you", you see everything as some sort of reflection of you and your sense of entitlement is also really big.. it's not about who owes who or what you feel you did. If you can't get past that mentality, then marriage is not a good option for you.

 

tbh, all your posts are about you and what you feel you are due. there is scant praise for your fiance who took on the risk and worked her rear off to get her idea up and off he ground. It sounds more like you see it as a competition between her and yourself, and your ego is not capable of recognizing that she is poised to succeed. If you can't be happy for her now being able to find some success, what will your married be like?

 

Some people just aren't cut out to be a spouse because they are the type who prefers to go it alone. There is no shame in that. Just be honest with her, and even more so, yourself. If not, I predict there will be lots of heartache for both of you that goes well beyond money.

[feelinglikeanger]

I don't think I'm painting the picture accurately. I believe my insight (even before the investors) was critical to her getting where she is. But, as I told her last night -- where she is --is still not good.

 

There is no WORKING product yet...no money made and it still remains to be seen if this will actually be a viable business.

 

She was angry that I had to point that out, but I think she likes to live in la-la land. It's the truth.

 

This is not a game, this is life. Money and hard work only go so far, and since it's MY industry she's approaching first, people will listen to me far more than they would ever listen to her.

 

She thinks people will listen to her...they will not.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't think I'm painting the picture accurately. I believe my insight (even before the investors) was critical to her getting where she is. But, as I told her last night -- where she is --is still not good.

 

There is no WORKING product yet...no money made and it still remains to be seen if this will actually be a viable business.

 

She was angry that I had to point that out, but I think she likes to live in la-la land. It's the truth.

 

This is not a game, this is life. Money and hard work only go so far, and since it's MY industry she's approaching first, people will listen to me far more than they would ever listen to her.

 

She thinks people will listen to her...they will not.

 

Can't you just be a supportive partner?

[BaileyB]

I don't think I'm painting the picture accurately. I believe my insight (even before the investors) was critical to her getting where she is. But, as I told her last night -- where she is --is still not good.

 

There is no WORKING product yet...no money made and it still remains to be seen if this will actually be a viable business.

 

She was angry that I had to point that out, but I think she likes to live in la-la land. It's the truth.

 

This is not a game, this is life. Money and hard work only go so far, and since it's MY industry she's approaching first, people will listen to me far more than they would ever listen to her.

 

She thinks people will listen to her...they will not.

 

Then help her, as a supportive partner. Her success will be your success.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think you'll have to worry about proving her wrong or her failing much longer, OP.

 

Your relationship and your business interests with her are going to come to end at this rate anyway.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Then help her, as a supportive partner. Her success will be your success.

 

These were the words I was looking for.

[Cullenbohannon]

A business transaction should be strictly business. If the 2 of you can not conduct yourselves professionally, then you should discontinue working together and focus on the upcoming marriage. There is no wrong in going this route. Some people can not work together.

 

If you decide to continue, the both of you need to take a different approach. Belittling her because she doesn't have the technical skills serves no purpose. Threatening to pull out is a poor approach to resolving business problems. Start acting like a professional and either go all in, or pull all the way out.

 

The problem. You two are not married. Until you are, anything that you work on becomes her property. If she decides not to marry, you have nothing. Unfortunately she gave up 49% of the company to her investor. This is where you failed her. It was her idea, so she should remain the primary, so there is no equity left for her to give up.

 

Can you approach the investor with a proposal that locks you in for a portion of their equity? Every investor wants a return and until you have brought the product to market, all you have is a good idea. If you are so smart, put together a solid business plan and present it to the other side. You may have to put in some of your own money and time, but if you believe in the product and your abilities, this should not be a problem.

 

Your other option is to focus only on your fiancee and do your best to insure she succeeds. Go all in for love and her happiness. Drop your request for everything except to be compensated for your time. Work extra hard to insure her success, without beating your own drum. She needs you. Become her hero.

 

To let the words "You are going to fail" come out of your mouth, is the worst thing you could have said.. You should immediately apologize for that.

 

Either become her business partner or become her hero. I understand where you are coming from professionally, but how you are handling this is grade school. If you can not find a resolution that benefits everyone, then perhaps it is you who are a less than skilled in the art of the negotiation

 

You can have your cake and eat it too. Set your ego aside, apologize to your fiancee and get to work. This can be done.

Edited February 11, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[basil67]

So you wouldn't invest money with her. But now other people are investing, you want it run your way?

 

Yeah, nah. I'm with your girlfriend on this one.