Once a cheater, always a cheater? Should I take him back?

[Fixingus]

I need advice! ! I'm 25 and my boyfriend is 31,we have been together over a year now and weve just started talking about marriage and kids.

 

To say the least our relationship has been rocky. It started off 6 months in when I recived a msg from a girl friend of mine on facebook who sent me a screenshot of my boyfriends plenty of fish profile. His profile said he was a single 30 year old man looking to date but nothing serious. Instantly i thanked my friend for sending this to me and confronted him about it. He addmitted he still had an online account that he made before he met me but said he never used it and after seeing the screenshot my friend sent, it said he had been active on the app 1 hour ago so this is where all of his lying began. I told I told him I'd like for him to delete his Plenty of Fish account and he agreed he would.

 

Since that first time of catching him cheating via social media I inevitably kept a close eye on his laptop and his phone. Some would argue that sneaking behind a partner's back and snooping through their phone is an invasion of privacy but I argue that your privacy privileges get taken away once the trust is broken.

 

We communicated and made certain rules in our relationship to avoid infidelity which was to not have certain apps downloaded which included Plenty of Fish Tinder Snapchat or any other dating applications. As time went on I snooped his phone and watched how these apps we're continuously downloaded and profiles were made each time. I confronted him and each time would delete the accounts and apps and each time he would re download them.

 

About eight months into our relationship we got into an argument as he was driving me to work he dropped me off and we decided we would speak later about it. An hour into work I received a text message from him saying he was going to a town a half hour away for tattoo consult (he's a tattoo artist) and that he be back later. But for some odd reason I got a funny feeling and thought he's lying to me right now I texted him and asked him 4 proof of the text text message between him and his consult and he said he'd show me when he picked me up. Midnight came around and he finally came and picked me up when I asked him why he's been gone so long he told me he was got pulled over by the cops on his way to come get me for speeding and that's why he's late. We got home and he showed me the text messages. I was a little hesitant at first but eventually believed him, sort of... The following day he had a tattoo and was going to be busy for quite a few hours. I saw this as an opportunity to look through his laptop and saw that his Facebook account was still logged into I went to his mesdages and saw a msg from a girl named Shelby who asked "did she believe the text messages" with the winky face and he said "oh yeah she believed them and she believed the part about being pulled over for speeding." She replyed with "nice!" And said "i wish you would have stayed longer" and he said "next time" i immediatly decided we were over and in the middle of his tattoo i pulled him aside and said I know what you did last night and I'm leaving you.

 

We spent a week apart and everday he was begging for me back telling me that he didn't sleep with her it was a mistake and he would never do it again. He admitted to getting her to help him make false text messages but says he just needed a friend to talk to that night and knew if he told me it was another girl id leave him. After a week I took him back but the lying and the cheating just continued.

 

Muultiple incidents of him saying he was going somewhere making false alibis getting his sister and his brother to lie for him and me having to dig and dig to find the inevitable truth and continuously finding Plenty of Fish downloaded Tinder downloaded and Snapchat downloaded, also watching time and time again as shelby was re added back to social media accounts,

and finding secret hidden pictures of shelby in a pin password application on his phone.

 

We have since been apart for the last 4 months I relocated and moved cities temporarily to take care of my grandmother. We've stayed in contact and with time apart my suspicions have only grown but also my missing him has too. With the dreading feeling of knowing that if he could cheat on me while we were living together I knew he'd be cheating on me now that we were cities apart. Feeling isolated in the city with none of my friends around I started my own Plenty of Fish profile and began meeting men behind his back. I've slept with a few different men multiple times thus far and I know he has his suspicions but I don't care because I have mine. Now that I feel that we have evened out the score.. I'm ready to try and be with him again back in my home City.

 

We have since talked about marriage and kids and he says he doesn't want to lose me so i offered a solution to our cheating, jealousy and social media problems I told him I would like for us to download a mutual couple tracker that will track our phone calls text messages internet history recent apps downloaded and location he says he thinks I'm crazy and says that it's too much of an invasion of privacy but I told him that if he was serious about working on our relationship and building our trust back he will do this and I will too.

 

I am done seeing other men and have deleted all my dating app because I feel that I have equaled us out and now we can start fresh. Or can we? I'm willing to put a couple tracker on my phone for him to trust me too.

 

I'm looking for advice from anyone who has read this to tell me if asking to put a tracker on each other is a huge invasion of privacy and should not be tolerated or is this a possibly good way of salvaging a relationship? Also should i even want to put a tracker on eachothers phones and give us another try or is this relationship unsavagable? Any advice would help! ! Thank you.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

My honest opinion is that you cannot save this relationship, nor should you want to at this point.

 

It is a toxic situation, full of deceit and drama. The worst possible scenario for marriage and starting a family.

 

Surely you can see that, right?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This is a train wreck of a relationship. There is ZERO chance you can trust this man. He'll start conveniently leaving his phone at home on the days he's meeting up with a Shelby, so you can't track him. He'll get a burner phone with which to communicate to lovers and download his dating apps. He'll probably call you names for sleeping with other men, even though he's done it.

 

Can cheaters change? Yes, but not THIS cheater.

 

What do you know about his past relationships?

 

You are 25!!! You have your WHOLE life ahead of you to find a faithful partner.

[Purepony]

This guys a loser just drop him already

He has a nice girl who’s 25 and dealing with his crap

 

You’ve already started moving on keep going you’ll be god you did later

[LivingWaterPlease]

Sorry to say this relationship is unsalvageable. Seems to me you neither trust nor respect each other but there is some kind of codependence or addiction between the two of you.

 

Save yourself a life time of grief by breaking it off permanently with this guy. It's going to happen sooner or later and better now than when you have children together. He's not relationship material.

[zombi24]

To answer your question, if someone cheats once and that's the only thing they've done wrong and they regret it immensely, then I feel that could be forgiven, though even that would take a while.

 

However, that's not your situation.

 

You can't trust this guy, and you shouldn't. And it doesn't sound like he trusts you either. Once trust is broken like that on both sides, it's all but impossible to salvage that.

 

This isn't worth fighting for, and you deserve better.

[Been]

I'm probably going to catch grief for this but cheaters DO NOT change.

Sure I'm quite sure some people can site examples of previous cheaters changing but those are rare and for every one exception there are 50 others that resulted in the cheaters doing it again.

And this whole "one time he/she cheated" is BS. If someone beat their SO one time savagely would that be OK?

I can't tell you how many times I have personally witnessed people forgiving cheaters only to get cheated on down the road. Without exception. Its almost like a personality disorder where they just can't help it for whatever reason.

Your relationship was done the moment he decided to cheat. It will never be the same. Somewhere in the back of your mind you will wonder- the trust has been broken.

And he was old enough to know better. He's in his thirties where by now he should know what he wants.

[BluesPower]

No you need to move on...

 

First off, you need to start to figure out what a healthy relationship looks like. Because at 25 you don't really know what that is.

 

Second off, you are just 25... are you ready to be married? And are you ready to be, or do you want to be in a monogamous relationship?

 

Third, even is you are, he is not. And at thirty, he kind of should be. He is basically a player, and because of his age, I don't think he will change. He likes being a player.

 

So, basically, if you want a mono relationship you really need to look for another type of guy. And if you have not realized it yet, you need to stop going for the bad boys, or at least try a reformed bad boy.

 

Because these types of guys usually do not change...

[Been]

I'll give you an example on why you shouldn't take him back.

 

I had an ex cheat on me. Went NC when we broke up. Months went by and my ex contacted me. She said she changed and wanted to give it another try. I agreed which I show you how it turned out to be a huge mistake.

Everything is going great. I can see she is making an attempt to actually work on things. It appears she has changed for the better.

Then months down the road she he a girls night out. Keep in mind I live 10 minutes from the bar they go to.

She texted me through the night about how she might need me to give her a ride home etc. I have no problem doing that.

Then latter in the night after about 4 hours she says she's OK to drive and is going to drive home.

Now here's the question that I ask myself: is she lying or telling the truth?

And no matter how hard I try to FULLY trust her I still doubt her because of the PAST.

You know what I end up doing? I break up with her because I realized I can't and DONT want to deal with the fact that I can't fully trust her.

And I realize if I was with someone else who NEVER cheated on me this issue wouldn't come about. I wouldn't find the need to not trust someone because of a past which involved cheating.

See by cheating on you they have shown you they have it in them to lie to your face and to sleep with others behind your back without being bothered by it until they get caught. And that possibility will always exist.

[gonebibi]

I'll give you an example on why you shouldn't take him back.

 

 

That's how i am feeling, haven't been giving the chance of having her back, and probably never will. But maybe thats a good thing because as you said how can you ever trust them again when they have cheated on you, and lied directly in your face as if it was nothing... You will probably have that little voice of doubt in the back of your mind slowly eating away at you.