She kissed someone else

[RonJames21]

I'm 32 and she is 30, we've been together nearly a year. She played it off like it was nothing. She says she was drunk and it was an old friend she had not seen in years.

 

A day later she was more apologetic. She's never done anything like this before, I've never had any reason to suspect her of anything, but I can't let it go.

 

There were tears...after she saw how much it bothered me. I can't tell if she genuinely thought it meant nothing and then realized she went too far or if I just can't trust her.

 

Then I wonder, did it go further than kissing? I don't know. She has, for a long time now, acted like she wants to be with me "forever". I have never had to deal with this and I worry if I forgive her she will see it as me saying this behavior is okay. I do love her though...very much. This shocked me, I wouldn't have thought this would happen.

[atreides]

Are you married, engaged, girlfriend? How did you find out? << If she did not tell you but someone else... major red flag... there is always more. Even she confessed it, that is a better sign but does not guarantee the truth.

 

Just a kiss is a huge issue, people tend to say, "it was just a kiss, lighten up" or "it was just emotions"... so on ... cheating essentially is the thought to action to "betray" boundaries known.. in other words walking into it with eyes wide open.

 

Being drunk is not an excuse, i have been there... there are major red flags around, boundaries crossed, the ease to see old flames... << that is a no go personally.. major deal breaker in my book.

 

You don't need to forgive her at this point but keep her on notice because she should show real remorse which is not about being kind and going through the motions. Have her get some counseling if this is a serious relationship, if only a girlfriend... i would move on... either way the best advise for her is to get some counseling to find out why she was able to betray you and cross the line... she may find out more about herself and be more honest with herself in what she wants... don't allow "drinking" to cloud the issue, it does not. Many drunk people don't go kissing old flames.

 

sending strength.

Edited February 12, 2018 by atreides

[Marc878]

How and what did you find out?

 

What would be her reaction if you'd done the same?

[usa1ah]

Up to you if you stay or not.

 

How did you find out?

 

Where did it happen?

 

Was youbwith her at the time?

 

There are many threads that started out like yours and the wife/gf actually went all the way.

 

There are threads were the wife /gf just kissed for so reasons unknown.

 

The problem I see is that she really doesn’t see a problem kissing/ making out with someone that’s not you. You have to decide if you can get past this with no change in your relationship with your gf and trust in her.

 

If not, then it might be time to call it quits.

[RonJames21]

We're not married, she is my gf. As for how I found out, she told me. She was acting kind of weird and then said she did something I might not like, but like I said she originally tried to play it off as nothing. She claims she was drunk and wasn't thinking. I do not buy this excuse.

 

I don't think she'd be pleased if I did the same. I don't know what to do this came out of nowhere. I do love her, she does seem remorseful, but now I'm suspicious of everything she does. She claims the kissing is something she used to do in her circle of friends, like kissing as like, I dunno, she went back and forth...like it was an inside joke among friends.

[Sgthaytham]

Only one thing I can say: Dump her!

[BluesPower]

We're not married, she is my gf. As for how I found out, she told me. She was acting kind of weird and then said she did something I might not like, but like I said she originally tried to play it off as nothing. She claims she was drunk and wasn't thinking. I do not buy this excuse.

 

I don't think she'd be pleased if I did the same. I don't know what to do this came out of nowhere. I do love her, she does seem remorseful, but now I'm suspicious of everything she does. She claims the kissing is something she used to do in her circle of friends, like kissing as like, I dunno, she went back and forth...like it was an inside joke among friends.

 

Dump...

 

Kissing mean they had sex. And, if you just take her back you look weak and that is the end of the relationship anyway.

 

They always say they kissed someone, and 99% of the time it means that they screwed.

 

Further, if she did just kiss him, who cares, it is out of bounds.

 

Just dump her no questions asked, dump and ghost.

 

If you let this stuff into your relationship it just gets worse.

 

Never ever be weak with a woman, always be the dumper.

[d0nnivain]

At 30 she should know better.

 

 

However, since she confessed & appears to be sorry, because she was drunk (not an excuse but it does lower inhibitions) I can envision a situation where "it just happened" and as it was going on she stopped thinking OMG what am I doing?

 

 

I would require a great deal of transparency around her interactions with this guy if there is any hope of maintaining the relationship

 

 

If it happened again or you have other snaking suspicions / uneasy feelings / doubts about trusting her apart from this, just be done.

[lolablue17]

If she was a teenage or 20, maybe it was her first time drunk making foolish things... But I find it hard to blieve that a 30 YO woman looses judgement the first time in her life, because of a drinking problem. At this age she should know herself better, and "being drunk and crossing the line" probably happened in the past much more than once.

 

So in this age a woman who loves her bf is expected to be able to prevent situations like these. If she can't it means either she isn't responsible enough, or her love to you is not so strong, while allowing herself to drink with no limits.

 

Sorry man, I've been drunk more than once, but I never did stuff like that. I never had fully lost control. So I allow myself to drink from time to time. If I had a drinking problem, I wouldn't be drinking without limitations.

[Marc878]

We're not married, she is my gf. As for how I found out, she told me. She was acting kind of weird and then said she did something I might not like, but like I said she originally tried to play it off as nothing. She claims she was drunk and wasn't thinking. I do not buy this excuse.

 

I don't think she'd be pleased if I did the same. I don't know what to do this came out of nowhere. I do love her, she does seem remorseful, but now I'm suspicious of everything she does. She claims the kissing is something she used to do in her circle of friends, like kissing as like, I dunno, she went back and forth...like it was an inside joke among friends.

 

She's minimizing. At her age?

 

You're dating only. Maybe ok for a gf but better think long term.

 

Sometimes we don't look close enough or don't notice certain behaviors, etc.

 

Now you should be fully awake.

[Poutrew]

The reason she told you is because they had sex. She started to worry about possible STDs after the fact: how would she explain to you how she contracted herpes or something else, and then gave it to you. Now, she has an out: "I got the herp through the kiss. Sorry hun, but now that you have it as well, we don't have a problem... Boy, I swear I'll never do that again!" If you forgive her on this, or look the other way, don't be too surprised if your kids do no look anything like you...Dump her. She cheated. End of story.

[atreides]

you said: >> She claims the kissing is something she used to do in her circle of friends, like kissing as like, I dunno, she went back and forth...like it was an inside joke among friends.

 

As much as it may hurt, take the pain you have now vs much worse later... i have never read such BS in my life... as others have said, the likelyhood she did more is most likely..

 

GF in this situation = dump, actually just go dark... not worth your time to fight over it... don't spend the energy on it.

[Guildford]

Many who have responded to this post seem to think that "I kissed a guy" translates into "I had sex with the guy." What happens to the poor girl who did just kiss a guy at a party and feels the need to confess? If you trust your girlfriend, and have no evidence to the contrary, then you should take her at her word.

[PegNosePete]

What happens to the poor girl who did just kiss a guy at a party and feels the need to confess?

I honestly don't know! But in the vast majority of threads like this, there is more. You would be surprised how often we see "yeah you guys were right all along". Maybe the honesty of the ones who genuinely do kiss and tell shines through, so there's no need to post on here. Maybe the posters know in their gut that there's more, that's why they post. I don't know. But just by experience, when people post on here that their partner confessed to something small, there is almost always more to the story. Especially when there's common traits: drunk, old "friend", played it off like it was nothing and then tears later, etc. All traits which strongly correlate to this being the tip of the iceberg.

[BluesPower]

Many who have responded to this post seem to think that "I kissed a guy" translates into "I had sex with the guy." What happens to the poor girl who did just kiss a guy at a party and feels the need to confess? If you trust your girlfriend, and have no evidence to the contrary, then you should take her at her word.

 

That girl gets dumped... for, at the very least, being stupid.

 

However, when someone says that, they are almost always lying.

 

And think about it like this, everyone, but possibly women even more, want THEIR partner to be faithful. I get that.

 

But if you want me to be faithful, you had better be beyond reproach in every way.

 

If my GF caught me kissing another woman, she would cut my nuts off. I expect the same from her.

[Space Ritual]

I'm 32 and she is 30, we've been together nearly a year. She played it off like it was nothing. She says she was drunk and it was an old friend she had not seen in years.

 

A day later she was more apologetic. She's never done anything like this before, I've never had any reason to suspect her of anything, but I can't let it go.

 

There were tears...after she saw how much it bothered me. I can't tell if she genuinely thought it meant nothing and then realized she went too far or if I just can't trust her.

 

Then I wonder, did it go further than kissing? I don't know. She has, for a long time now, acted like she wants to be with me "forever". I have never had to deal with this and I worry if I forgive her she will see it as me saying this behavior is okay. I do love her though...very much. This shocked me, I wouldn't have thought this would happen.

 

 

Please reread this post.

 

Jeeze, it's littered with her justifications and excuses, with a sprinkling of "we've heard this one before"

 

 

Years ago I decided that these type of indiscretions, even IF totally innocent, were a deal breaker for me regardless.

 

It is totally up to you what you want to do.

 

But I submit to you that if you allow your Girlfriend to just explain this away as "nothing" and sweep it under a rug, you WILL be in for a repeat performance of her Tonsil Hockey with "friends".

 

I can tell you with 100 percent confidence that not dealing with this will give her the impression that while you are upset, you aren't mad enough about it to show her consequences. Which is the relationship equivalent of Ambassador April Glaspie basically telling Sadaam Hussein that the United States had no particular interest in Kuwait in the summer of 1990.

[Space Ritual]

she does seem remorseful

 

There is a vast difference between seeming and being.

 

Being remorseful is through consistent actions over a period of time(months, years).

 

Seeming remorseful is an act. Since you have not shown her consequence 1, you'll never get to a point of her being remorseful without action. You just don't wake up one day and seem remorseful.

 

You wanna know why she told you? Because she knew if she didn't SOMEONE ELSE was going to. So she just tried to nip it in the bud and minimize her role in it. Probably a mutual friend saw it and she knew it.

 

So do not think for a minute that her version of events has not been sanitized for your consumption.

 

Remorse is like a Wall Drug in South Dakota...you'll wonder where the hell it is but you'll know it when you see it.

 

Thus far you have seen nothing. Words are cheap. Actions are EVERYTHING.

 

If you want to draw some comparison and insight on how to deal with it, put on a Type O Negative album. That band explores these issues on a regular basis, and maybe they will help the scales to fall from your eyes.

[carhill]

Then I wonder, did it go further than kissing? I don't know. She has, for a long time now, acted like she wants to be with me "forever". I have never had to deal with this and I worry if I forgive her she will see it as me saying this behavior is okay. I do love her though...very much. This shocked me, I wouldn't have thought this would happen.

 

Here's how it looks to me, and I've been down this road many times....

 

You're her boyfriend/fiance/husband. She has sex with you. Makes babies with you. Shares a mortgage with you (as example). Other guys, they are moments. Heck, those guys could be women, meaning the same psychology and behaviors set applies. For women, intimacy is wide-ranging and many-faceted. They can tell someone else they love them, kiss them, show them physical affection, whatever, and still feel very devoted and faithful to their spouse/fiance/boyfriend. Those other things are just moments in their lives, here now, gone the next. They feel good. They're not committed to those other people, rather you.

 

In all the instances I've been personally aware of or involved in, no sex occurred, which aligned with sex as the affair boundary for the individuals involved. The other stuff either 'meant nothing' or was 'friendly'.

 

However, relationships are not contracts of adhesion, rather mutually negotiated in good faith. Your boundaries of behavior, and hers, are sacrosanct. If such behaviors as you described violate your boundaries, cool, communicate that and deal with the results. The most common one I've heard over the decades - 'He doesn't mean anything to me'. Quite right in cases where I was the unwitting dope to be him. They were just users of the moment. Humans are like that sometimes. Those particular ones were great teachers.

 

Myself, I wouldn't pay it significant mind unless noting marked numbers of orbiters lurking. If so, that would indicate to me poor boundaries and the use of sexual allure to attract attention. I wouldn't want that in a partner I was committed to. Some guys don't mind the orbiter thing. You'll choose for yourself.

[Peacemaker1]

Hi RonJames21,

I am sorry to hear that. It is really hard to trust nowadays because it seems so easy for people to just do crazy things when they are caught up in the moment. It is unfortunate but I have seen it many times where two people hit it off and decide to live together. But after some time the same passion that overcame her happens with someone else. And the pattern repeats. If you really love her talk it over with her as to how to move forward. Your commitment to one another is the only thing that is holding your relationship.

[CommittedToThis]

I can only speak for myself but my girlfriend romantically kissing anyone other than me is grounds for immediate termination. People lacking that particular boundary are not worth the effort.

[sandylee1]

She's demonstrated that she's not trustworthy... not who you want as a wife or life partner.

 

She's shaken the foundation of your relationship...would you build a house on a shaky foundation with subsidence? There's your answer...it's high risk.

[road]

Many who have responded to this post seem to think that "I kissed a guy" translates into "I had sex with the guy." What happens to the poor girl who did just kiss a guy at a party and feels the need to confess? If you trust your girlfriend, and have no evidence to the contrary, then you should take her at her word.

 

[]

 

I have seen trickle truth thousands of times. Where the WW/GF said they

never touched just talked. Eventually they admit it was just one kiss.

Then they made out, but no petting. Petting a little. Then just oral, I swear,

that's all. Well we had sex, but it was only one time. Eventually it was

not just a ONS and the WW/GF had sex more times than the can exactly

remember.

 

I cannot remember where when the truth came out it was that they just

had one drunk kiss.

Edited February 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[JS84]

You do realize they probably had sex right???

 

One year, no kids, not married. Cut your losses and bail.

[Space Ritual]

Many who have responded to this post seem to think that "I kissed a guy" translates into "I had sex with the guy." What happens to the poor girl who did just kiss a guy at a party and feels the need to confess? If you trust your girlfriend, and have no evidence to the contrary, then you should take her at her word.

 

 

 

The Lion's share of us who inhabit this subforum have had Literally the SAME exact scenario pop up, regardless of Gender.

 

Taking people at their word in these matters are part of the reason most of us landed here

 

So no, most of us have taken people at their word to our own chagrin. And you won't find much sympathy or agreement here for horse crap justifications that include the word "just"

[kendahke]

We're not married, she is my gf. As for how I found out, she told me. She was acting kind of weird and then said she did something I might not like, but like I said she originally tried to play it off as nothing. She claims she was drunk and wasn't thinking. I do not buy this excuse.

 

I don't think she'd be pleased if I did the same. I don't know what to do this came out of nowhere. I do love her, she does seem remorseful, but now I'm suspicious of everything she does. She claims the kissing is something she used to do in her circle of friends, like kissing as like, I dunno, she went back and forth...like it was an inside joke among friends.

 

Are we talking les bises, or are we talking open mouth, tongues and the whole 9 yards?

 

If she felt that remorseful and strange, then more than a peck on either side of the face (les bises) went on. You don't play that off--it's a greeting between friends. And for the record, I don't kiss my friends in a way that causes me to 1. play it off to my SO or 2. show up remorseful and strange the next day.

 

And if she can't control her mouth when she drinks, then she's got a drinking problem and perhaps should stop drinking since she does stupid things when she does.

 

I'd cut her loose---she's messy and can't control herself when she's out drinking and sees an ex.

Edited February 14, 2018 by kendahke