My son's best interests at heart

[Jolene]

Why are people who have no children often the people who think they are an authority on parenting? The criticism is annoying.

 

Here goes, and please help.

 

My bf and I are getting married next year. I have a son not his who is 7. We agree on most things where it comes to my son. Sometimes, my bf is a bit ignorant, gruff or insensitive with my son (just my opinion), but I let it go unless it needs clarifying or reasoning out in my child's mind and then I interpret or address the situation. It doesn't happen a lot in my opinion, but I have often wondered if having a child of his own would make him more sensitive?

 

Here's the scoop now...my son has accumulated toys since he was a toddler and I have stashed them all over the house (his room, spare room, living room, basement). I don't have a problem with it, but my bf says he has too many toys and we shouldn't buy him any more until he gives away a lot of the ones he has. I agree to a point, and do not want to deny my child of a basic childhood privilege. We are having a garage sale this wknd and will take excess to Goodwill after.

 

Yesterday we were in the grocery store. My bf wandered off for something at the end and said i'll be right back, so just browse around this toy section here. Of course, my son wanted a toy and since he'd been a good boy I said okay to a $5 item. When in the checkout line, my bf says why buy him that toy when he'll only play with it for 5 minutes and then it's part of the junkheap at home. Let's get him a movie instead for $20 accross the hallway. So we go accross the hallway after I explain to my son. My son picks out a movie, and my bf says "no, not that one, this one...it's the Star Wars trilogy and you get 3 for 1", so again another explaination and squirming out of a previous agreement (see where I'm going). Then, bf decides, hey instead of the movie idea, let's get him a game for his gameboy and we'll get it for him next time (next week) and tell him he can have it if he's a good boy. So we walked out with nothing. The reason: bf pays for almost everything when we are shopping, and so he has a say in the matter. We are getting married, so we apparently make decisions and finances as one. Last Xmas, bf bought him some huge toys that we haven't allowed him enough space or time to really play with, and this has been interpreted by bf as buying toys is a waste of money, cause he doesn't play with them. I corrected him and told him to be fair. But I got upset with him and told him this morning:

 

...* will still likely want to play with toys until he is 10 or 11, and that is what Christmas and birthdays is for mainly. I will buy him a toy from time to time but will encourage him to invest in more useful devices as discussed such as movies or playstation games. We finally told him we are buying him a game for his gameboy next trip to the grocery store. This was after allowing him to believe first that he was getting the $5 toy, then it was a movie coupled with the argument that instead of the movie he wanted it should be a different choice for the reason you get three for one, and then it was you get nothing at all unless you can demonstrate indefinite good behaviour (but had already demonstrated good behaviour and is generally a good boy). Changing your mind three times in twenty minutes is frustrating even to me, and is tormenting the child whether you realize it or not. We live by example, and I don't want my son to learn how to manipulate and torment me, so next time I want to buy him a $5 toy, why don't we just let it happen as long as it's not all the time. We can always get rid of excess amounts of toys by making a trip to Goodwill. Okay? I don't always agree with the things you do, and vice versa, but I won't let it affect our relationship/marriage. I wonder, too, if you have a baby of your own if it would make you see things/feel things differently.

 

Was this mean????? Am I wrong? Is my bf an evil step-parent but I can't see it through my glossy sugar-coated eyeglasses?

 

Another opinion will be useful...sorry for the long post

[Jeannie]

Oh boy - let me warn you and warn you BIG TIME. Put your son first no matter what people say. Trust me on this - I've been thru this exact same thing. There are red flags with this boyfriend of yours - pay attention to them. I think it's wrong to get rid of your sons things without him freely letting go of them. These are his toys - for God's sake why does he have to get rid of them? Just box them up and store them - they belong to your son - not your boyfriend!!!! It shouldn't matter how many toys he has - HE'S A KID! Let your son decide when to get rid of them.

 

You need to realize YOU are your son's parent - NOT your boyfriend. You need to tell this jerk that he needs to mind his own business that you will handle all matters with your son yourself. He is not to interfere. His role is to be your son's friend and role model - not a jealous bossy immature jerk in competition for your attention.

 

I dumped my ex because he couldn't accept my son the way I wanted him to. My son is 13 and he pegged my ex the first week I dated him and knew he wasn't right for me - he saw things I didn't. How does your son feel about this boyfriend? Pay CLOSE attention to how he feels about this guy - do not put your son second for any man.

 

You're son needs you at this age more than some man needs you. This is your child, your responsibility and if your boyfriend isn't supportive and accepting of your role as a mother (which is priority) then dump him immediately.

 

I had people tell me to put up with my ex because my son would be grown and gone and on his own and I'll have no one. I could care less if I'm old and single and alone - my son is my life, my world and I am raising him how I see fit and no one else is going to tell me how to raise my child or make decisions for me.

 

It sounds like you're having reservations otherwise you wouldn't write on here. TRUST ME on this - put your son first, do not do things for the sake of your boyfriend - stand your ground. If he don't like it - give him the boot.

 

As Jackie Kennedy said in her lifetime "If you bungle raising your children - nothing else you do in life matters much" So true. Sacrifice your love life for your child - in the end when they are grown you've got the rest of your life to date and find the right guy.

[Outcast]

Dumbo hasn't got a clue about kids - at 7, your son's just a little boy. There's years yet to teach him fiscal responsibility. Get Mr. Know-it-All some books on parenting and tell him that he needs to get with the program or he himself will be deleted.

[Art_Critic]

I agree with Outcast on this one.. Get him some books on Parenting/Step parenting.

 

I dated and married a mother of a 4 year old so I became a step father and was for 5 years until she turned 9.

 

I will say that when I started dating my ex wife that I didn't know anything about parenting and was new at it.. I bought every book in the stores on step parenting and was a very sucessfull loving parent to her wonderful child.

 

I did make mistakes but I took all criticisim in stride and mostly listened to my wife..

When I was alone with my daughter I was given full control over every avenue dealing with my step daughter, including reprimanding and punishment if she needed it.. My ex wife never overrode my decisions.

 

She also did an incredibable job on turning it over to me and letting me stand or fall on my own ass.

She trusted me.

 

I will say though that he is only your BF at this stage and for him to be making decisions over whether she should be allowed toys is going a little overboard.

 

There really is no way of knowing if he will be a monster step parent or not . You need to talk to him and lay out the rules and if he cannot live by the rules set by the ONLY parent in the relationship then you need to reconsider this guy.

 

He deserves a chance and deserves the chance to prove himself.. Prove himself is the key phrase here

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I'll throw a different opinion into the mix. My exH and I have had this same argument over and over again. And we are both the parents of our two kids! We went through the toys and had a big garage sale and I regretted selling some of their bigger toys that they didn't play with that often, just to make room for the big toys HE thought they should have.

 

We did make some compromises along the way, mostly over the smaller $5 toys. It's called allowance. They get an amount equal to their age each week. 1/3 goes into their bank accounts (we just do this monthly), 1/3 goes into short term savings, for example if they're saving to buy a video game, or a movie, or the next Harry Potter book, etc. The remaining amount (min $2) they can spend on whatever they want and we have no say in it (although we encourage a bit). They can spend it at the dollar store, a candy machine, whatever they want.

 

It works to quiet them down at the checkout when they are begging for "a toy"....they know the rules now. We have no control over what Grandma buys them however.

 

I think your bf is just trying to be a part of his life. I do agree he should read some books and ask maybe his parents and other friends that may be in the same situation.

 

Yeah, people who don't have kids can't comprehend why today's kids have SO many toys compared to when we were kids.

[Devildog]

I haven't had to deal with this kind of situation yet, but I will say as far as I am concerned, my daughter is first and foremost in my life. Any woman that wants to have a future with me needs to realize that. And I will not alter the way I treat my daughter or how I handle her for anyone.

 

With divorce being the norm these days, you see alot of mixed families, and no matter how much a person wants to, it is extremely difficult to treat someone else's child as your own. It's human nature.

 

What your bf did just seems weasely to me. It sounds more like he was trying to turn the $5 toy for your son into something he could enjoy. That isn't how it should be. If he can't be onboard with how you choose to raise your son, then it would probably be best to toss him overboard.

 

Blood is thicker than water. Who is more likely to still be by your side when you are old and need them, this boyfriend, or the son you gave life to?

[suegail]

I don't know - - I tend to think parents make kids believe these kind of issues are overly important. The child is not suffering for lack of toys. I do agree that your boyfriend should have made a decision at the store and stuck to it, (that is what I see as the issue here) but you know, you grow up and don't always get what you want or what you think you're getting. It's just the way it goes, but if you make your son somehow believe he's being 'tormented' as you've put it, he may grow up with a certain attitude which will not be helpful to him in life.

[Devildog]

While I agree it is important for a child to learn you don't always get what you want, with this particular example it seems more like the lesson is "it isn't important to stand by your word". That isn't a good thing to teach a child. Unless you don't want an honest child who has integrity.

 

If this man is going to be the main male role model for her son, then he should strive to be the best role model he can be. And she should make sure that the main male role model for her son is setting a positive example of how a man should act. This example isn't in my opinion.