Can a marriage survive the alcoholism

[grass-hopper]

The spouses drinking is not going anywhere. He begs and pleads with me to please give him a chance to not give up on him while he opens another beer and gets stinking drunk like every other night. And I can’t stand the smell on his breath. I can’t bare to be near him. When he wants to get intimate and I just want to get away.

He says he drinks because he knows I don’t love him anymore. And I believe him. I think if only I can find a way to love him again I can save him. But I know he drinks because he wants to. Now maybe because he has to.

 

He promised he stopped doing cocaine. Told me he has stopped doing things for me and he is trying and why can’t I try. But now I see what I had never seen before. That next day depression and sleepiness after he’d been coking all night. I now understand what those jaw movements are and have been all these years that i never understood. I caught him the other night with his debit card breaking up the cocaine and he lied straight to my face said he wasn’t doing anything.

 

And I can’t seem to walk away. I can’t seem to make that decision to leave. I feel sorry for him when he begs me to give him another chance. When he promises he’ll change. But he has no plans to stop drinking.

 

And I am emotionally numb. I have distanced myself so far away from him and it’s not fair to him or me. But the guilt I bare from my extramarital affair makes me feel like I’m deserving of all this. Like I did this all to myself and to my marriage.

[Art_Critic]

He drinks because he is an alcoholic, not for any other reason than that.

 

 

IMO you need to realize that there is life outside of his world, you need some Alanon in order to help you separate the Alcoholic from the person and own your own enabling behavior and work on correcting that in order to gain your life back, stop being his care taker and work on yourself.

 

 

He needs help, he needs to stop drinking and the only way he is going to do that is if he reaches his bottom, every drunks bottom is different.

 

 

My bottom 31 years ago was the GF I lived with and engaged to left me, my family helped me and AA saved me.

 

 

After I was able to take step one my recovery began, she however was gone from my life forever which was okay. I look back at it today and realize being together was a total mistake and we couldn't be together if I was sober since the dynamic changed.

 

 

I think you need to go to a few Alanon meetings and friend up some people there that have lived what you are living, learn from them and make the needed changes in your own life to gain back your own life and stop living his life.

 

 

Good Luck

[grass-hopper]

When nothing changes - nothing changes.

 

Expect more of the same since you won't change this for yourself/your kids.

 

I know I play a huge part in making things change. Except for some reason I can’t seem to make the change. I read the book Codependent No More and it resonated with me. I am indecisive and I blame myself and I feel responsible for a great deal Of my husbands drinking and happiness. Even though I recognize it’s not my fault, I still feel very responsible to him. I feel like a failure. I am suppose to be there in sickness and health. Am I not the one who should get him through this? But what in me will I be sacrificing?

 

I never ever ever knew how hard this would get. I always assumed it would get better someday. Like he’d magically just stop drinking. I never realized it would hit me like a ton of bricks where I would build resentments and anger toward him and become so emotionally and physically distant. I never realized the drinking would effect me mentally.

 

I just wish I knew how to make the change. Or I suppose i do know how. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I feel sorry for him. I feel scared for me. I feel scared for my kids. I feel scared for him.

 

Al-anon is my next step.

[Mr. Lucky]

Even though I recognize it’s not my fault, I still feel very responsible to him. I feel like a failure. I am suppose to be there in sickness and health. Am I not the one who should get him through this? But what in me will I be sacrificing?

 

grass-hopper, the first thing you'll have to accept is the three C's - you didn't cause, you don't control and you can't cure. If you could love addiction away, my adult daughter would have spent her 30th birthday somewhere other than detox. We spent years showering her with endless amounts of love, money and support and it only enabled her to pursue her addiction more fervently.

 

I'd guess you're having the same effect on your spouse. By propping him up, ignoring his use and bailing him out, you're only lengthening his long, slow fall - while he blames you for not fixing him.

 

As others have said, get to an Alanon meeting. There's a world of clarity out there, peek your head up over the trench and take a look. I can only imagine what this is like for your kids, if for no other reason go for them...

 

Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[knitwit]

Naranon saved my life, no joke. I highly recommend going to a few different Alanon meetings and finding one that feels like home. We also had meetings for kids, which your kids might find helpful.

 

When I couldn't get to a meeting, I posted here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family

 

It was a great forum and it might be useful to you now.

 

I wish you luck!

[LifeNomad]

an old timer ex alcoholic once told me "with alcoholism, there is no love, no relationship, no nothing"

 

 

and that resonated perfectly well with me. I was an alcoholic for solid 9 years (drank daily, and not counting the years prior when I first started and the years after when I slowed down) and after my relationship fell apart those words made perfect sense.

 

 

I felt gone during that time (only I didn't realize it then), when I finally was able to stop I felt like yelling out "im back!" to everyone I knew.

 

 

Mentally those days were just a blur, but once sober I felt alive, like I was really back and ready to do everything she wanted, watch movies together, go out on dates, all those times she wanted to do things but I just wanted to drink, I wanted to go back and re-live them.

 

 

And I don't blame her, im glad she was strong enough to leave. it made me change to become a better person.

 

 

What changed in me and made me stop was very high anxiety, panic attack and trip to ER. At that point I realized I needed to change.

[grass-hopper]

IC has helped me to be more open and honest with my H about how I feel about his drinking and ways in which it has affected and changed me.

 

He has been receptive. He has acknowledged his alcoholism. He has stated over and over how he wants to change. I see him trying to decrease his drinking. He is desperate. He is depressed. He is sorry. And I’m guilty. Because I didn’t draw boundaries. I enabled him for so long. I told him things he did and ways he acted was ok. I forgave him. But really I didn’t. I let them build up until I couldn’t anymore. I built resentments to the point of detaching from him. I feel that was unfair of me. Because now I feel like I’ve hit him with a ton of bricks and side winded him. I’m no longer the loving, accepting wife and he’s lost. And all I want to do is rescue him from his own demons.

 

But I’ve got mine to deal with to. Because I’ve fallen into a pretty bad place. I need to heal from codependency. It has really messed me up. I live in constant fear and guilt and hopelessness. I have learned in IC and in books that it is not uncharacteristic for the codependent to fall into an affair. (Not an excuse whatsoever!)

 

I told him we should separate. It’s unfair to him. he cried and told me he is going to drink on his way back home from A road trip and hopefully drive off the edge of a cliff because he can’t live like this anymore, he can’t live without my love. How am I suppose to take that?

Edited June 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Mr. Lucky]

And all I want to do is rescue him from his own demons.

 

Guess I'll keep repeating - AlAnon would help you to understand this. You can't save someone who has no interest in saving themselves. All you can do - and seem bent on doing - is follow them down the drain.

 

I told him we should separate. It’s unfair to him. he cried and told me he is going to drink on his way back home from A road trip and hopefully drive off the edge of a cliff because he can’t live like this anymore, he can’t live without my love. How am I suppose to take that?

 

Actually, his real message is he can't live without alcohol. Point him towards AA and then get your own life together. In a situation clearly unhealthy for both of you, the only answer is change...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

There is a reason why it is recommended that people recovering from addiction should not be in a relationship for the first year after they stop drinking. I think the same could be said for their partner... There is a whole lot of self reflection and healing that needs to be done.

 

It's hard to do what you need to do when you continue in the same codependent and unhealthy relationship patterns that got you into this place...

 

Please grasshopper, go to an Al-Anon meeting if you haven't done so already.

[No_Go]

Honestly - even if it can, it is not worth the cost For alcoholics there is usually no way out... And the things snap from functional to dysfunctional before you know it. My father was one and sucked the life out of my mother until he got very ill and suddenly died ... Which is the faith of nearly every alcoholic I've ever encountered in my life.

 

I had a relationship with an alcoholic and still have nightmares thinking about it. It turned bleak but thankfully I knew the signs to run not walk early enough...

 

 

Hi

My H has been an alcoholic since I met him. But I’m not sure if you’d call a teenage binge drinker an alcoholic. We drank together when we were young. We partied like many of our 20yr old counterparts. And i figured it would eventually fade out. I grew up in an alcoholic home so drinking wasn’t necessarily out of the standard norm. We had 2 children in our late 20s and for me that was the end of partying. I drank socially. Many times to hang out with him. But I had different aspirations for us. I went to school got my degree and for the most part he and I are a successful couple as two professionals living in suburbia 2 kids 1 dog and 1 cat. But the drinking for him never decreased. Rather it has been daily for at least a decade and has increased. There is a marked change in him. He is a functioning alcoholic. Is successful at work. But his drinking has changed his mood.

[Mr. Lucky]

A marriage can survive active drinking but it surely won't look happy or healthy.

 

Good point, I had the same thought.

 

grass-hopper, why isn't your thread titled "Can a marriage prosper with alcoholism".

 

All you want is survival, that's the marital role model you want for your kids? That's the degree of health and happiness you deserve as a spouse and a family?

 

Your willingness to accept crumbs is part of your codependency...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

There's nothing in the big book that suggests avoiding relationships in recovery.

 

Quite the contrary, it says build healthy relationships in sobriety based on honesty.

 

But grass-hopper is dealing with active drinking... so she's not even close to the honesty ball park.

 

A marriage can survive active drinking but it surely won't look happy or healthy.

 

I stand corrected. My point was simply, recovery must be difficult if an individual stays in the same unhealthy behavioral patterns that contributed to the addiction. I would think it would be difficult to be successful in recovery when both partners have established a codependent relationship and one partner has enabled the other in their addiction.

Edited June 14, 2018 by BaileyB

[grass-hopper]

I’ve been running on auto pilot these days. Engulfed in work. IC only once a month which I feel I would benefit more sessions. But I’ve honestly made no progress. Al-anon is on the list of things to do. I don’t know if I’m too busy or just avoiding. I do that a lot.

 

IC did however help me to stop filtering my conversations with the alcoholic spouse and I had an honest talk with him about how I have felt for years about his drinking and how it has changed my feelings about our marriage. He got it. He started therapy with an addiction counselor. He is 5 days no drinking. He is working out and on the road to recovery. And I am happy for him. But it doesn’t change the way I feel about my marriage and him and the years of damage we created together while he drank and I enabled. I feel numb and so far distanced.

 

Does this make me a bad person?

Is it normal for me to not be hopeful about our future together when he is actively trying to improve?

[DKT3]

I’ve been running on auto pilot these days. Engulfed in work. IC only once a month which I feel I would benefit more sessions. But I’ve honestly made no progress. Al-anon is on the list of things to do. I don’t know if I’m too busy or just avoiding. I do that a lot.

 

IC did however help me to stop filtering my conversations with the alcoholic spouse and I had an honest talk with him about how I have felt for years about his drinking and how it has changed my feelings about our marriage. He got it. He started therapy with an addiction counselor. He is 5 days no drinking. He is working out and on the road to recovery. And I am happy for him. But it doesn’t change the way I feel about my marriage and him and the years of damage we created together while he drank and I enabled. I feel numb and so far distanced.

 

Does this make me a bad person?

Is it normal for me to not be hopeful about our future together when he is actively trying to improve?

You aren't really addressing the issue with the relationship, only his issues. You had/are having an affair. As I told you before if he stopped drinking it would not fix the marriage. You are creating as much damage as he is, you are just as responsible as he is.

[grass-hopper]

You aren't really addressing the issue with the relationship, only his issues. You had/are having an affair. As I told you before if he stopped drinking it would not fix the marriage. You are creating as much damage as he is, you are just as responsible as he is.

 

Yes. I agree. 100%.

[grass-hopper]

Nothing will really change until YOU change YOUR behavior.

 

No one made you stay - heck, no one is making you stay now.

 

Maybe you like being the victim. Maybe it makes you feel important to worry endlessly about him.

 

But take responsibility for how you participated - you stayed. That's on you.

 

And then you made a conscious decision to cheat. Just don't expect

To make progress with any counselor until you change yourself.

 

God for him with no drinking. Hopefully he will better his life.

 

Look into why it's useful for you to have him as your scapegoat.

 

I do realize this. I fended well for many years living and dealing with the drinking and other issues that came with it. I knew I was unhappy. But it was comfort to me. It was what I knew. It was how I knew how to live. It’s the only way I knew how to live. And I ignored it

It was not until I decided to cheat that I used the alcoholism and unhappy marriage as my “scapegoat” as you say. I understand the selfishness in that. I understand how I manipulated that to my advantage. I am not proud of it. I am not ignorant to it. I am ashamed of it.

 

If one good thing came out of it, it was that it gave me the ability to be real honest about the lie I’d been living and to be as honest as I can be with my spouse. ( I know that doesn’t say much from what you all know about me. I’m the cheater and that automatically turns me into a horrible person. Especially since I have not confessed the affair). And in that faux honesty we were able to talk about the drinking and he has now began to change his life for him and for my children. I am happy about that. But also very guilty because in his journey he will blame himself for a lot of things. When I too am to blame. This makes me a coward.

 

Thank you for your insights and responses.

Changing myself is definitely my goal right now.

It has been real uncomfortable delving into self reflection and discovery. I don’t like choices I’ve made but I take it day by day.

 

(I don’t know if this thread now belongs in marriage-infidelity or addiction or self help)

[DKT3]

I'm just a bit confused. You talk as if you're out as far as the marriage goes, yet you continue to lead your husband to believe that his drinking is THE issue. If you aren't interested in making it work shouldn't that make it easier to be honest?

 

Here is my concern, I have a sneaking suspicion that as your husband sobers he will figure out you are involved with another man. If he is basically cleaning up to save the marriage then what happens? Does he start drinking again? At which point you're kids are the real losers. Well, honestly they are already the real losers in this situation.

 

I already know the answer to this question or I should say the limited possibility of what your answer is but I ask anyways. Do you feel a sober husband will reject you? Do you think that him being sober will make you a worse or better person in the marriage? Are you afraid him being sober will make you the bad guy if the marriage ends? Is confession on your part scary because of how you reacted to his drinking, how you used his drinking to carry on your affair, or because it puts you on level footing as far as faults in the marriage?

[Tristian]

(I don’t know if this thread now belongs in marriage-infidelity or addiction or self help)

 

 

If you feel the topic has shifted enough for a move, feel free to ask moderation to move it for you via the ALERT US button.

 

 

In the mean time the thread is in addiction/recovery so I'm going to ask that we keep our replies focused on that aspect of the relationship rather then steering things off topic.

 

 

If the OP would like to discuss their affair in depth, we can move this thread or they have the option to start a new one in the infidelity section. ~T

[grass-hopper]

DKT3: I understand your confusion. I am confused. I wonder was his drinking the issue that caused me to go elsewhere? That caused me to think my marriage was over and I no longer wanted it? Even though I fought for it for years? I understand how that sounds. I am by no means trying to blame my H drinking for my affair. But it has been a tough marriage with a lot of verbal abuse and anger and hatred from him and a lot of loneliness. And I definitely identify codependency issues and habits. Guilt. Blame. Manipulation. Self victimized. All on my part.

 

This is where they say alcoholism effects everyone, not just the alcoholic. I am not trying to get an easy pass out of my bad decision, however. I should have been stronger and walked away years ago. But I have identified I am not that strong. I am fearful of being alone. Of abandonment. (Again codependency).

 

I ask myself that same question you asked about if my husband finds out about the affair, does he start drinking again? Possibly. But how do I bear that cross? His decision to start drinking was his decision. And his decision to get sober should be for him, not to save the marriage,right? If I blame my affair for a relapse isn’t that the same thing as me blaming his drinking for my affair?

 

I am scared to be rejected. I am scared to be found out. I am scared to feel that I am the one to blame for this failed marriage. Because when it comes down to it, the affair is such taboo and immediate judgment. And alcoholism after all is a disease.

 

Somedays I wonder why I couldn’t have just been stronger. Why I couldn’t have just let things be. If I’d just been a tolerant wife. He and I wouldn’t be here. He wouldn’t be struggling with recovery and guilt. I wouldn’t have found myself where I am.

 

I feel like all this is in my hands. Whether I stay or go. It’s going to be detrimental to all parties. My husband. My kids. Our families.

Edited June 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[grass-hopper]

[]

 

Do you truly expect to stay in this marriage? If so, how can you add beauty to it so that it improves?

 

Maybe you and your H can sit quietly and devise a plan that works toward that common goal if you expect to stay...

 

Without a plan together to change things - it will remain the same.

 

I don’t know if I expect to stay in this marriage. A huge part of me says no. But for some reason I am scared to leave.

 

I know it’s unfair to him. But I haven’t lied to him about that. When he asked if he gets sober if I will stay, I told him I don’t know. Right now he’s choosing to stay for kids. For convenience.

[Mr. Lucky]

But I have identified I am not that strong. I am fearful of being alone. Of abandonment. (Again codependency).

 

Like many of us when we are confused, your post is rife with irony and contradictions.

 

The abandonment you're scared of has already occurred - by him, when he chose alcohol and by you, when you cheated. That your physical selves continue to reside in the same house really matters little.

 

And yet, ironically, he's currently making the braver choice. He's admitted his problem, put his cards on the table and declared his intentions.

 

And then there's you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

DKT3: I understand your confusion. I am confused. I wonder was his drinking the issue that caused me to go elsewhere? That caused me to think my marriage was over and I no longer wanted it? Even though I fought for it for years? I understand how that sounds. I am by no means trying to blame my H drinking for my affair. But it has been a tough marriage with a lot of verbal abuse and anger and hatred from him and a lot of loneliness. And I definitely identify codependency issues and habits. Guilt. Blame. Manipulation. Self victimized. All on my part.

 

This is where they say alcoholism effects everyone, not just the alcoholic. I am not trying to get an easy pass out of my bad decision, however. I should have been stronger and walked away years ago. But I have identified I am not that strong. I am fearful of being alone. Of abandonment. (Again codependency).

 

I ask myself that same question you asked about if my husband finds out about the affair, does he start drinking again? Possibly. But how do I bear that cross? His decision to start drinking was his decision. And his decision to get sober should be for him, not to save the marriage,right? If I blame my affair for a relapse isn’t that the same thing as me blaming his drinking for my affair?

 

I am scared to be rejected. I am scared to be found out. I am scared to feel that I am the one to blame for this failed marriage. Because when it comes down to it, the affair is such taboo and immediate judgment. And alcoholism after all is a disease.

 

Somedays I wonder why I couldn’t have just been stronger. Why I couldn’t have just let things be. If I’d just been a tolerant wife. He and I wouldn’t be here. He wouldn’t be struggling with recovery and guilt. I wouldn’t have found myself where I am.

 

I feel like all this is in my hands. Whether I stay or go. It’s going to be detrimental to all parties. My husband. My kids. Our families.

 

Think of a house burning, all the is left is the frame and the brick fireplace. What do you do? Knock it all down and rebuild or pick up what you can and move on? What you cant do is stay there doing nothing. You are currently doing nothing. You are at a point where you have to confess so you can either rebuild or move on.

 

Listen, you're being dishonest, and that usually has consequences. Your husband is in the early stages of sobriety your long ongoing deceit is the axe waiting to drop. Is it your fault if he starts drinking again? No, absolutely not, however, you have created an environment that makes it more likely.

 

Go or stay its totally and solely up to you. All I can say is what if, what if you confessed he got sober, you got over the addiction of your affair and the two of you created a loving environment for the rest of your kids childhood with no secrets?