I can't stop thinking about my cheating wife

[BrokeI]

Hey everyone,

 

I really need to vent this out and need some help ...

 

Me and my wife was together 12 years. 2 kids, 4 years and 2 years, a boy and a girl.

 

Last year, we were not so ok, communication was bad and she told me she want to left out from nowhere assuring me there was no one else in the picture.

 

It took month for her to leave, she took her appart, then come back, then leave again, then come back and finally, i did discover the affair !

 

The twice time she came back, it was her decision, but the twice, she keeps making my life miserable even if was trying very hard to fix my flaws.

 

When i did discover the affair, she tried a fake reconciliation, promising me she love me more than anything, blablablabla ... and a week later, she left me for the other guys.

 

My heart was already broke with the tons of cruel stuff she said and this was the final blow.

 

So she left, without the kids, and she did not ask if i was ok or if the kids was ok or anything else during month.

 

At this moment, i was near suicidal, very near. I don't know what keep me alive, kids i guess.

 

So i did endure the pain, day by day, and began to build back my life from the scratch. (yeah, i was financially broke too when she left, she spend all my money during these last years and some money with her lover too during few month she was cheating ).

 

Long story short, it was hard, but i came back from my grave.

Today, i'm doing OK.

 

Financially, i begin to be successful, way more than i ever was during the years i was with her. New project is hitting me, new people find that i'm talented and want to work with me.

 

I'm pretty good looking, i took a great care of me during these last month, sport, eating well, whitening teeth, removing eyeglass, putting new classy clothes,everything i can to improve.

 

Mentally, i keep trying to do the best to, read a lot a book, think a lot about life, about what is important, what is not.

 

I tried to be the best dad i can, working hard for the kids, but spending quality time with them too, going shopping, eating ice cream, whatever i can find to make them feel good.

 

My house did change too, i gave her back everything that was her and totally change my appartement, it's a new place where i'm happy to live.

 

But in the perfect world i'm building, there is one big but...

 

I try my best to maintain the no contact stuff. Not responding to anything and even told her i don't want to be her friend after she tries to initiate a conversation.

 

But two weeks ago, i ****ed up. We needed to see each other to fill some paper and i broke the no contact. I don't know why i did do that, it was so irrationnal. I told her i still loved her and i'm miserable.

 

She told me life is hard for her too and she says that she can't ask for forgiveness because she know it's unforgivable what she did. Her lack of empathy toward our kids seems done and even towards me.

 

I can sense shame every time she talks to me and she can't even look me in the eyes.

 

She told me all this stuff, but she's still with the other guy ... But she don't love him anymore, she doesn't know what she doing with him ... This is what she told me.

 

Since i talked to her, i can't stop thinking about her. Obviously, i still love her to the death even if she was a total bitch to me.

 

And i don't know what to do. I feel like i'm trapped. I think about her every day, every minutes, every night. I dreamed about her every night and feel miserable when i wake up.

 

I love her, i can't do anything to fight it and it kill me.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. She's the mother of my child and i'm going to see her more than the next decade.

 

Since the separation, i did not date anyone. I can sense it could be easy for me right now because i never had difficulty with girls but i don't want to hurt a girl for selfish reason. I don't need another girl to boost my self esteem, i'm good with that.

 

I know i love my wife and it would not be correct to date anyone else.

 

So here i am and i really don't know what can i do now.

[HumanMachine]

Keep going, you’ve done so well. You miss a memory of her, that person isn’t there anymore. Stay strong.

[Hoosfoos]

She is a terrible person, and you sound like a great guy. You deserve better. Good luck.

[BrokeI]

Thank you for your kind words.

 

I did talk to her today, yeah, i know, it's lame ... I told her i love her and that she miss me. What she respond : you miss me too.

 

Then few kids stuff and that's it.

 

I'm really lost guys. She made some unforgivable stuff but i don't care, my love for her is blinding me.

 

I don't know what should i do.

 

I can't picture any futur with anyone else other than my wife because of my kids.

 

I was a divorce kids too and my step mum and step dad was some ankward experience, i don't want to risk my kids into that.

 

I miss my family too.

 

I'm ok, but so full of sadness.

 

I don't know what to tell you, she was my first love, when i close my eyes, i think about her. When i'm trying to feel something, she miss me.

 

I just love her and it drives me mad.

[BluesPower]

You need to pull yourself together...

 

Listen for a second, the hard part is done. You have to stay strong.

 

No way you SHOULD EVER TAKE HER BACK.

 

She lied to you for god knows how long, she was screwing her OM, she left you and most of all, SHE LEFT HER KIDS.

 

I understand that you are feeling weak. But this woman, is a horrible person. You need to let her stew in her own juices from now until the day that she dies.

 

Just like a lot of Wayward Spouses, they do this kind of stuff, find out that they had it better in the first place and start working on YOU in this case, and angling for a way to come back.

 

DO NOT LET HER. Let me tell you what will happen if you let her back in your life. First, you will never, ever be able to trust one word that comes out of her mouth.

 

Next, when she feels the need, no matter what she says, she will cheat on you again, putting your health and the welfare of the kids in danger. You cannot allow that to happen.

 

And if she thinks the new guy is worth the risk, she will leave you all over again.

 

And to top all of it off, the kids will suffer more when she comes back and leaves again, then they have already.

 

No sir, you have to be strong and let her go. Let her suffer for what she has done, and protect your children at all costs.

 

Stop talking to her...

[springy]

I agree with Blues. This woman walked out on her own kids for a man she claims to not even love.

 

If she is not involved in the kids' lives then there is really no reason to be talking to her, and if she is then any communication should be just about that.

 

Sorry you are hurting but you must be strong. You and your kids deserve better than her.

[Lowrider93]

Hey bud, I guess your in a situation that you have never

experienced before and its tearing your heart out.

Some of the advice you'll get here is not gonna be

what you want to hear but it's what you will need to get thru this.

Do you understand that by telling your wife that you love her

that you are showing her you are weak.

If there was something anybody could tell you that would help

you fix your marriage, I guarantee you, we would.

We're here for you, to express what your feeling and

to educate you on what you should expect to happen.

 

Stay strong, your children need you.

[Ronni_W]

my love for her is blinding me.

If you know that you are blinded, then you are NOT blinded! (You cannot use that for an excuse anymore, because you already know that it's just an excuse that you're using to not do something more constructive for you and your children...even though the 'constructive' things are also more difficult.)

 

Your children's experience of being children of divorce is UP TO YOU!!! If you keep on with feeling blinded - and acting powerless, useless and helpless - then that will, of course, negatively impact your children.

 

If you need to, start thinking only about what is best for you to do for your children, right now, given all of the current circumstances, parameters and boundaries. (At some point you will also need to start making decisions about what is in your own best interest, but it's fine to take it one step at a time. The most important thing is to 100%, absolutely pull yourself together, as BluesPower said.)

 

It's not easy; I'm not saying that. But you do have to do it.

[BrokeI]

Hard to respond to anyone but i will do my best.

 

Did she turn away from her child ?

 

Yes and know. During the cheating stuff, clearly yes. She was away, i was taking care of them and she was very tough with words towards them. When i was trying to explain to her that it will be a hell for them and they need both parents, she told me stuff like "they will be divorce kids like every divorce kids in the world".

 

The lack of empathy was scary.

 

She didn't fight for the custody. I ask her 60/40 and it was ok. If it was the reverse, i would have go to court and fight for them and i don't even understand how ou don't fight for at least 50/50. Maybe she saw i was the better parent at the very moment and was ok with it.

 

But today, after three month, she's out the limbo. Kids are her priority again. I can sense it, the way she talks, the ways she acts.

 

It's not some comedy she played, it's like she woke up suddenly and understand she did a terrible mistake.

 

I'm not pleading for her, totally not but life is not black and white, when my second child was born, i was a total ass during the pregnancy. I was ill, deep depression and was just not supportive at all. Before all this stuff happens, i told her many times to forgive me for this period but i guess the damage was already done.

 

I can't help myself, i'm convinced that my wife is not a bad person. I did marry her because she was kind. She made something very bad but she's definitely not a bad person. 12 years we were together, she was a very good wife. She took a very good care of our kids and me before all that and at some point she just lose her mind and i can't explain.

 

I'm also convinced people can change but maybe i'm a fool on this one.

 

Anyway, even if she begs, there is no way i'm going to come back to her just like that.

 

Like i said before, i'm a divorce kids and my experience was an truely horrific one. If i need to swallow some pride to avoid my kids a ****ty childhood, i will do it with no hesitation.

 

But again, i'm not a fool, she left me nearly dead and i don't forget it. I don't know if there are a coming back from here.

 

But also, if there a small chance to save my family, i'm ready to fight for it. It could take years of counselling before going back together but if she's ready to prove me that she deeply regret it during a long period of time, i'm ready to listen and try.

 

Thank you guys, you are true helper.

To make it easier : don't you think a person can change ? If i wanted to fix my marriage, is there a way or it is totally dead ?

[BrokeI]

You need to pull yourself together...

 

Listen for a second, the hard part is done. You have to stay strong.

 

No way you SHOULD EVER TAKE HER BACK.

 

She lied to you for god knows how long, she was screwing her OM, she left you and most of all, SHE LEFT HER KIDS.

 

I understand that you are feeling weak. But this woman, is a horrible person. You need to let her stew in her own juices from now until the day that she dies.

 

Just like a lot of Wayward Spouses, they do this kind of stuff, find out that they had it better in the first place and start working on YOU in this case, and angling for a way to come back.

 

DO NOT LET HER. Let me tell you what will happen if you let her back in your life. First, you will never, ever be able to trust one word that comes out of her mouth.

 

Next, when she feels the need, no matter what she says, she will cheat on you again, putting your health and the welfare of the kids in danger. You cannot allow that to happen.

 

And if she thinks the new guy is worth the risk, she will leave you all over again.

 

And to top all of it off, the kids will suffer more when she comes back and leaves again, then they have already.

 

No sir, you have to be strong and let her go. Let her suffer for what she has done, and protect your children at all costs.

 

Stop talking to her...

 

This hit me like a truck.

 

I could have died, really, i was near to kill myself and it's no bull****.

 

I need some counselling, i'm too empathic, it's one of my flaw. I always try to help everyone but not me. This can't be good for me.

 

I need to learn to be selfish too.

 

I feel that this is the crossroad of my life. I'm going to be 30 in few month and this is the decision who's going to define where my life will go for the second part.

 

This is a really hard one, my heart tell me something and my head tell me another. I just need some peace.

[BluesPower]

Yes, sorry, you are being a fool...

 

You simply must move forward without her.

 

Please stop thinking what you are thinking. Your marriage is dead. Your wife should be dead to you.

 

You will do more damage getting back with her, to your kids, then you will staying divorced.

 

Please think of your kids, please wake up to reality, please stop thinking the way that you are thinking.

 

You are hurting yourself...

[Lowrider93]

Until you can learn to truly live your life without her you

will have no chance of living your life with her.

It's a Catch 22, she cannot mean anymore to you than

a stranger on the street, and by that time would you even

want her back again, maybe not.

I just past year one of NC, that was easy.

The pain she caused me still lingers though.

 

One breath at a time, you will make it!

[Marc878]

You aren't experiencing love you're probably heavily codependent.

 

See an IC and fix yourself

[BrokeI]

You aren't experiencing love you're probably heavily codependent.

 

See an IC and fix yourself

 

I googled it and it really seem it could be the issue.

 

Thank you again everyone, this was what i needed.

 

I will keep you all updated.

[lolablue17]

I believe that your wife isn't a bad person. She probably got caught in her own middle life crisis, and was carried away with an affair that blinded her. She mase a huge mistake and maybe only now she's starting to realize that, or at least some of it.

 

BUT!!

 

The issue is not "Is your wife a monster or not". we already sorted it out - She isn't. The issue in this thread is your happiness. If she want to come back and if you take her back, most chances (less than 100%) you will end up being miserable. She's not good FOR YOU. She has shown you her true side of her character to neglect everything that matters in life just for some fun and pleasure. If you take her back, it might be nice for a while - Until next time she cheats on you.

 

She told you that she doesn't love the other man. She didn't even stop to think what this sentence might do to you, that it can really hurt you. If she was a little less selfish she wouldn't have said that. Or she would have broken up from this man and been coming to you AFTER breaking up with him, to say this to you.

 

So, she has proven that she hasn't changed a bit... She is still selfish and un reliable.

[BrokeI]

She told you that she doesn't love the other man. She didn't even stop to think what this sentence might do to you, that it can really hurt you. If she was a little less selfish she wouldn't have said that. Or she would have broken up from this man and been coming to you AFTER breaking up with him, to say this to you.

 

This is something who really hurt me. How can she say something like that to me ? If she left for a guy she didn't even love, it make me feel like my marriage have near than zero value.

 

Little update.

 

No contact since.

I need to be honest with you : i feel like i'm back to square one.

 

I don't know what happen but it's like all the wounds did reopen. I can't stop thinking about all this mess, day and night.

 

I don't know if i have some codepandancy stuff but i feel like i love her. It's hard to explain, i just feel that i'm still deeply in love with her.

 

I miss her everyday, every minutes, i miss her talk, i miss her touch, i miss being a family, i miss everything.

 

I did get out of my confort zone yesterday and i was at a parole group. I think i need help this last days because the suicidal thought are sometimes around me. It's not hard as the first month but i can't ignore them.

 

It was great but many women and only few men. It was hard to talk because all women here was the one who dump their husband and i can sense what i was sharing was annoying them.

 

Maybe they were reflecting that their husband didn't give a **** about them when they leave, i don't know their story but i did feel some hostility.

 

I'm tired, its almost a year since all this nightmare began, i just need to talk honestly about what i feel.

 

It's kinda overwhelming this last days, i just love my wife and this is it. Nothing else seems to matter. I want to grief and move on but i can't.

 

I feel failure, i feel guilt ...

I can't stop thinking about "if i was a better husband", "if i did take a better care of her"... The if are endless.

 

I feel fear. I fear that i'm totally broken, that all this stuff was just too much to handle and i can't rebuild myself.

 

I feel deception, that she cheat, quit our marriage and didn't even regret it. I think this is the biggest issue i have to deal with. The fact that a guy she just met was worth our marriage and our kids. I'm sorry, but really, i can't process this fact.

[Marc878]

The only one keeping you where you are is you.

 

That's why NC is important.

 

Any woman who cheats and leaves her kids is worthless.

 

See an IC for codependency.

 

Write down her pros and cons on paper.

 

Take a good hard look at what you're keeping yourself in limbo for

[lolablue17]

I don't know if i have some codepandancy stuff but i feel like i love her. It's hard to explain, i just feel that i'm still deeply in love with her.

 

I miss her everyday, every minutes, i miss her talk, i miss her touch, i miss being a family, i miss everything.

 

It's natural to feel what you feel, because you miss you OLD LIFE. It seems that youlove an imaginary person. Although she looks like this person, her voice is the same, and some body jestures are alike, it's not the same person.

 

Who is she now? I don't know her but I've got some principles. A wife who leaves her marriage is not automaitcally a bad person. But a wife who partially negletcs her children for another guy, is not someone I could love or value. It's a hard case of selfishness, that is being expressed also when it comes her words and action to you.

 

You imagine that she is lost, sad, miserable, in a crisis, and your masculine instinct is to fix everything. But this is not the case. Now, please stop crying stop whining and get a hold on yourself. Be a man, start developing an independent ego. Why are you crying over a WOMAN? Come on... Go out, meet other people, maybe women, but don't intentionally seek for "the next woman of your life". seek female company and see where it goes, slowly and with no stress.

[BrokeI]

You imagine that she is lost, sad, miserable, in a crisis, and your masculine instinct is to fix everything.

 

I think you have a very good point.

 

I know this seems whiny but i need to vent it out.

 

Don't get me wrong, i have no intention to let myself be stuck in this state of mind.

 

I'm planning to be the best dad i can, be successful and fix every flaw i have right now.

 

It's just someday, i'm ok, some other, i'm not. And this last days, i really feel like ****.

 

Like i said before, i want to be the most honest here with no bull**** and just open my heart to you even if i know my state of mind is definitely not the good one.

 

The guilt is pulling me down, i feel that i deserve what did happen and it's my fault all this ****. I did not take care enough of her at sometimes and it punish me.

 

I feel that i made her turn to this selfish and cold person, this is like mega twisted, i know.

 

Anyway, today, i'm in a struggling and a serious one. I want to move on but can't let go.

 

Another issue is i'm a divorced kid. Really, the experience was some kind of serious trauma. Long story short, my mum left us for her second husband and did not care during years. I just have the feeling my life is on repeat mode.

 

It's really crazy how people does not meet good people for them. My was is a selfish person and way before that, it was in her personnality and i was aware about that. I'm a very empathic person and always think about other before me.

 

It's a very good lesson that life taught me. You need to be selfish, self centered and being altruistic is not so a good thing.

 

This is another one of my struggling right now, should i let this experience change me and turn me into a selfish jerk or stay the same person...

[lolablue17]

Great approach.

You cannot avoid the pain along the way. Don't think that if you feel sad and miserable from time to time, it means that there's something wrong with you. And don't even try to eliminate the pain. accept the pain and you may get friends with sadness sometimes

 

But the sadness is just a necessary temporary companion, don't be afraid of it, and don't let it burry you. Good luck.

[NopeNah]

I see you have a son and daughter that your wife abandoned,what a sweetheart she is. If your son comes to you,when he's your age now, with his wife doing the same damn thing your wife/his mother has done,what advice would you give him? Do you want to lead by example? If so, you protect these kids and yourself from future heartbreak!

[rickwman]

Marriage is a 'death till you part' commitment; a 100% - 100% giving relationship; a spirit/soul/body relationship. I hope you both speak with a counselor, pastor or minister that can offer you wise and long-term, effective advise. You need to get to the source of this situation. Out of a root of bitterness, unforgiveness comes all sorts of negative behaviors. I want to you to live in peace, free from anger, bitterness and unforgiveness.

[William]

Members, thanks for your contributions and we'll close this thread from a reincarnation of a banned member now removed from our forum. Word to the wise: If moderation goes to the extent of banning you, which is pretty rare, we'll hunt you down forever so play such games at your own peril. The most commonly banned members are in our Infidelity areas since that is where regard for civility and respect most often take a vacation and that's why this member was originally removed.