Regret and Resentment

[LearnToSwim]

Hello, and a sincere thank you to anyone who reads this all the way through.

 

I've been married for almost five years now. He and I dated for four years, and we lived together for about one of those years before getting married. So we've been together for about nine years total. I think it was actually I who broached the subject of getting married first, since his parents were against us sleeping together due to their religion. Neither of us were religious, but I wanted his parents' approval, and we'd already been dating for a while, so I thought, "Why not?"

 

Looking back, I don't think we ever had that much in common, but we did care about each other. He was loud and goofy, I was quiet and reserved. He was obsessed with video games and going out, and I just wanted to stay home and read a book. I was the responsible, cautious one while he was the headstrong risk-taker. He did bring me out of my shell a bit, though, and I think I calmed him down a little. I always used to tell people that opposites attract, but now I know that's just not realistic for us. I've always struggled with showing affection and being intimate, and he knew that from the very beginning. He, on the other hand, was a borderline sex addict and extremely clingy, and we almost broke up during the first few months of our relationship because of our differences. It got better over time, but we've always had these issues.

 

He had been living out west with a family friend for about six months prior to our engagement, trying to find a decent job and place for us to live. I was living back home with my dad at the time. I never wanted to leave my home state, but I agreed to at least see if living out west could work. He had always had a wanderlust that I never shared, but I knew he'd never be happy if he didn't explore his options. After wasting a lot of money and putting considerable strain on our then-long-distance relationship, he decided to come back. The night he came back, he proposed, and we moved into our first apartment a few months after that.

 

Things were going pretty well at first after we moved in together. We would occasionally fight over how messy and unaccountable he was, how unaffectionate and OCD I was, and about our finances, but it could have been worse. He was also in and out of jobs fairly frequently, getting fired at least twice throughout our relationship. The second time he got fired was a huge shock, because I had finally gotten out of the soul-crushing customer service field and was doing freelance work online, which didn't pay as much. We knew we could afford it at the time, though, and we were both happy with what we were doing. After he got fired, he made the decision to go out west again with a family member. I stayed behind and got all of our furniture sold and ended our lease before driving out west a few months later.

 

He'd been hired at a decent company and we were renting a house together, but my time out west was the absolute lowest point of my life. A few months after being there, I started having suicidal thoughts every day, and I kept everything bottled up inside until I finally told him after we'd been there about a year. His reaction was exactly what I expected it would be, and it did not help in the slightest. At that point, we'd never been more distant from each other. We eventually came back to our home state because of my issues, but I honestly wish I'd come back by myself. He had to leave a good job and good friends and I wonder if he holds that against me. I know I certainly have a lot of resentment for all of the bad choices he's made. I haven't covered most of the bad financial decisions he's made over the years, but this post is already so long.

 

Nowadays, I just can't trust him with anything. I'm always so hostile with him, expecting another big mistake to occur. He doesn't seem to learn from his mistakes, and he's already wasted thousands of dollars on a ridiculous hobby, hoping he can become successful with it. I've become a nagging, cold-hearted, suspicious wife and I hate myself when I'm around him. We confronted each other recently about all our issues, and he admitted to some things that he's lied about. I had asked him not to tell anyone about my suicidal thoughts and found out that he'd told multiple people, including someone he barely knew online. I finally asked him about it recently (two years after I'd found out) and he lied about it at first. I have no idea what to do now. I don't trust anything he says anymore. Is marriage counseling worth it? Should we try living apart for a while? I'm definitely considering the latter, because he never really had a chance to be responsible for himself before dating me, and I think it would be a good wake-up call for him. I admit that I've thought about divorce a lot. We don't have any kids and we don't have a lot of stuff to split up, so those parts wouldn't be difficult. I know this might sound lame to some, but we have two young cats and I would be heartbroken if he took one of them, which is probably what he'd do.

 

Any advice or perspective is very much appreciated. I'm curious to hear of any successful marriages that took a temporary break and how that works. I apologize for the insanely long post.