Best way to live the single life?

[Mysterio]

My take on Singleness is that for the most part. You have ultimate freedom, but lack of affection in the verbal/physical sense, unless your a playboy/playgirl type of person.

 

I am accepting at age 46. I will just live with what I have. No point in being upset by it. There are certain things you can do faster being single than attached.

[SevenCity]

There was one woman that would "booty call" me from time to time (every couple of months or so), because she wanted "no strings attached" sex. She told me that she liked the way I touched her, held her and made her feel wanted. We both enjoyed the sex, but it seemed to brighten her day to see my eyes light up when I got to her place and saw her beautiful body.

 

If she had a bad day or someone upset her, she knew she could call me and I'd make love to her and make her feel better.

 

She didn't want a relationship with me, but enjoyed the fact that I would race over to be with her, when she did call.

 

We were two consenting adults that liked having sex with one another from time to time with "no strings attached". Neither of us were harmed in the process and we both enjoyed the experience.

 

I've since lost track of her, but have fond memories of her, and I think she has fond memories of me.

 

Just my two cents, based on my own experiences.

 

 

This is a completely different scenario than the OP’s.

 

She’s not a horny guy looking to bust a NSA nut. Your situation would be acceptable to most men who could remain emotionally unattached.

 

From the OP’s description, it has more to do with using one night stands as a substitute for relationships. That’s like eating candy instead of a proper meal. Sure it might give you a quick boost but once you come down from the sugar/sex high you likely will feel worse.

 

I dated a girl who used sex as a means to getting the brief holding each other at the end. It’s not a great place to be and will leave you feeling like a used price of trash as the numbers of sexual partners increase.

 

Shortcuts such as these cheapen the entire experience if you don’t have the right mindset.

[d0nnivain]

HiCrunchy

 

You are not emotionally wired for hook ups. You crave genuine caring. Hook ups don't hug you or run their fingers through your hair. They don't spend time with you. It's purely physical with no emotional involvement.

 

You think you crave the physical touch & that alone will be enough for you because you are terrified of getting hurt again. The fear is the problem. Until you heal that wound & learn to trust again you will continue to be miserable.

 

If you have NSA attached sex with some random person you will come away from that feeling more empty. It wasn't the physical connection that you enjoyed although I'm sure it was pleasant. It was the combo -- you felt a mental / spiritual / emotional connection with your EX. That is what you miss. If you try to have sex without that you are going to crush what is left of your soul.

 

I'm not sure what makes you so terrified of love but you have to figure that out. Until you do your proposed solution will only make things worse.

 

Seriously stay off Tinder or any other dating site. Take up a hobby. Go out with your friends. Work out. HEAL. When you do that, the rest will take care of itself.

[ZA Dater]

HiCrunchy

 

You are not emotionally wired for hook ups. You crave genuine caring. Hook ups don't hug you or run their fingers through your hair. They don't spend time with you. It's purely physical with no emotional involvement.

 

You think you crave the physical touch & that alone will be enough for you because you are terrified of getting hurt again. The fear is the problem. Until you heal that wound & learn to trust again you will continue to be miserable.

 

If you have NSA attached sex with some random person you will come away from that feeling more empty. It wasn't the physical connection that you enjoyed although I'm sure it was pleasant. It was the combo -- you felt a mental / spiritual / emotional connection with your EX. That is what you miss. If you try to have sex without that you are going to crush what is left of your soul.

 

I'm not sure what makes you so terrified of love but you have to figure that out. Until you do your proposed solution will only make things worse.

 

Seriously stay off Tinder or any other dating site. Take up a hobby. Go out with your friends. Work out. HEAL. When you do that, the rest will take care of itself.

 

 

 

Really brilliant post, great advice!

 

 

My advice to OP is as you say find something to keep you busy, heal and you have to believe things will be better, you have dated before so that is positive.

 

 

There are still caring people in the world.

[Tribble]

I have to agree with everyone else - this is not the solution to your problems and will only make you feel much, much worse.

 

From personal experience, I can separate sex and emotion and had a FWB that I developed no emotional attachment to. But it left me feeling empty. There was no intimacy, no affection, just the mechanics of sex. I also discovered I need the emotional connection for the sex to be good for me. I struggle with self pleasure because I want someone there, who I have feelings for to share it with. It sounds like you may be similar. NSA sex with strangers will not get you where you want to be. The touches, the sensations will be hollow and you will feel horrid afterwards. For me, I feel a little ashamed, but mostly I feel sad that I got to a place emotionally where I allowed it to happen. I did it because I was sad and lonely and feeling isolated, not because I had an itch to scratch. There is nothing wrong with casual sex but it's only fun if you're doing it for the right reasons and you are the kind of person who can handle it. I fear you don' meet either of those criteria right now.

[Happy Lemming]

This is a completely different scenario than the OP’s.

 

She’s not a horny guy looking to bust a NSA nut. Your situation would be acceptable to most men who could remain emotionally unattached.

 

From the OP’s description, it has more to do with using one night stands as a substitute for relationships. That’s like eating candy instead of a proper meal. Sure it might give you a quick boost but once you come down from the sugar/sex high you likely will feel worse.

 

I dated a girl who used sex as a means to getting the brief holding each other at the end. It’s not a great place to be and will leave you feeling like a used price of trash as the numbers of sexual partners increase.

 

Shortcuts such as these cheapen the entire experience if you don’t have the right mindset.

 

I guess we are going to have to agree to disagree, which is fine.

 

Personally, I never felt like a piece of trash and she never expressed that she did.

 

As a side note, this woman (in my "booty call") gave me a rather expensive watch as a gift. (I'm one of those people that likes wearing a watch.) Every time I would look at it, throughout the day to check the time, I would briefly think of her. Maybe that was her plan. I'm open to your ideas/suggestions as to why she would present me with this gift.

 

I've had other one night stands and other "no strings attached" encounters. I have no idea what their mindset was (for each of those women) or if it was a substitute for a relationship. I can neither deny nor validate your premise based on my experiences.

[SevenCity]

I guess we are going to have to agree to disagree, which is fine.

 

Personally, I never felt like a piece of trash and she never expressed that she did.

 

As a side note, this woman (in my "booty call") gave me a rather expensive watch as a gift. (I'm one of those people that likes wearing a watch.) Every time I would look at it, throughout the day to check the time, I would briefly think of her. Maybe that was her plan. I'm open to your ideas/suggestions as to why she would present me with this gift.

 

I've had other one night stands and other "no strings attached" encounters. I have no idea what their mindset was (for each of those women) or if it was a substitute for a relationship. I can neither deny nor validate your premise based on my experiences.

 

You misunderstand. I’m not saying that you or your FWB didn’t have a perfect arrangement. I would be super cool with one such as that myself (especially with gifts!).

 

What I’m saying is the OP would likely be devistated as a result of casual hookups. Not you or me, her.

 

So your mindset, especially as a dude, is almost the perfect situation. As the woman, your FWB was obviously in the right mindset and it worked well for her.

 

From her posts, the OP would not be able to handle something like that.

 

I’ve always had difficulties trying to establish FWB situations. They always want a RL and get all upset when it’s not an option.

[Happy Lemming]

You misunderstand. I’m not saying that you or your FWB didn’t have a perfect arrangement. I would be super cool with one such as that myself (especially with gifts!).

 

What I’m saying is the OP would likely be devistated as a result of casual hookups. Not you or me, her.

 

So your mindset, especially as a dude, is almost the perfect situation. As the woman, your FWB was obviously in the right mindset and it worked well for her.

 

From her posts, the OP would not be able to handle something like that.

 

I’ve always had difficulties trying to establish FWB situations. They always want a RL and get all upset when it’s not an option.

 

Thank you for the clarification...

 

I was under the impression that the OP was asking for a generic point of view and if a FWB or "no strings attached" situation could be enjoyable and fulfilling. In my case and my FWB, it was for both of us.

 

I haven't been on LS that long, so I don't really know everyone's past or history.

[RecentChange]

Yeah... Happy.

 

I have had some WONDERFUL FWB relationships. In general I see nothing wrong with it, or with casual sex for that matter.

 

But one does not look for tinder hook ups because they feel lonely and want to feel loved. One does not go for tinder hook ups if they are morally opposed to casual sex and are simply desperate for attention and want a guy to act like they care about them. You don't sign up for NSA looking for hair stroking and cuddles.

 

It's great for some people, but for the OP, it sounds like an absolute disaster.

 

She said she was worried she would cry during sex because she feels so empty. Do you really think a hook up with a radon horny stranger is going to do her good?

[Happy Lemming]

Yeah... Happy.

 

I have had some WONDERFUL FWB relationships. In general I see nothing wrong with it, or with casual sex for that matter.

 

But one does not look for tinder hook ups because they feel lonely and want to feel loved. One does not go for tinder hook ups if they are morally opposed to casual sex and are simply desperate for attention and want a guy to act like they care about them. You don't sign up for NSA looking for hair stroking and cuddles.

 

It's great for some people, but for the OP, it sounds like an absolute disaster.

 

She said she was worried she would cry during sex because she feels so empty. Do you really think a hook up with a radon horny stranger is going to do her good?

 

I have no idea how Tinder is used or how the OP would use it. I've read on LS that some people use it as an on-line dating site.

 

I have had NSA women who told me what they wanted "spooning" afterwards (which may fall into your cuddling description).

 

I'm kind of a "free will" person, that is she thinks this is something she wants to try, she has "free will" and should at least see if its for her. I'm not 100% buying the crying part.

[RecentChange]

You act like there could be no negative consequences for the OP. Have you read what she has written? Tried to understand her state of mind? The desperation and fear?

 

NSA isn't for everyone, especially many women who have a very strong emotional connection to sex. The OP basically describes that she is one of these people, and thinks perhaps hook ups, even though she hates the idea, are the way to go to protect herself from being hurt.

 

Wham bam thank you ma'am is not going to give her the fulfillment she needs.

 

Why aren't you buying the crying part? It happens bro... Especially when women feel vulnerable like the OP.

 

As for tinder... The op said she would use it for hookups, like many people do.

 

My brother in law often pulls chicks from there, has a one night stand, and then ghosts them. Par for the course

[Happy Lemming]

Why aren't you buying the crying part? It happens bro... Especially when women feel vulnerable like the OP.

 

If a woman thinks she is going to cry, then why would she have sex??

 

I know if I stick a fork into an electrical outlet, I'm going to get a shock and I might get hurt and cry (in theory), thus I don't stick a fork into an electrical outlet.

[RecentChange]

Because she is very hurt, desperate and getting ready to make BAD decisions.

 

You act like people don't make choices that hurt themselves...

 

We are all telling her not to stick the fork in the socket, and you are saying "do it!" You might like it.

[SevenCity]

If a woman thinks she is going to cry, then why would she have sex??

 

I know if I stick a fork into an electrical outlet, I'm going to get a shock and I might get hurt and cry (in theory), thus I don't stick a fork into an electrical outlet.

 

That’s EXACTLY the point. She is considering this because she is lonely and empty, despite the consequences.

[Happy Lemming]

Because she is very hurt, desperate and getting ready to make BAD decisions.

 

You act like people don't make choices that hurt themselves...

 

We are all telling her not to stick the fork in the socket, and you are saying "do it!" You might like it.

 

You are 100% convinced that NSA sex or hookups will hurt her, I am not.

 

Sometimes women will have sex with some guy to get over being dumped. I've often heard women say "You need to get under another man to get over the one that dumped you"

 

Personally, I don't make choices that get me hurt.

 

I am 100% sure that I will get hurt if I stick a fork into an electrical outlet.

 

I am not 100% convinced that casual sex will hurt this person.

 

For the record, I do enjoy debating/posting with you.

[RecentChange]

Well count me as another who will have to agree to disagree with you happy.

 

I know you are new here, but if you look at my posting history, you will see I am a proponent of casual sex. I LOVE IT.

 

If you look at the OPs history, you will see she has really been struggling with rejection, has been suicidal , really emotionally traumatized.

 

I don't think that is someone who should be seeking NSA, because they are desperate for love, but too scared of getting hurt.

 

NSA does not eliminate the risk of getting hurt, nor does it really provide any of the things she is actually looking for.

 

This thread was basically a cry for help. It's a "hey everyone, I am considering doing something that I know will be destructive for me - is it a good idea"?

 

I think you under estimate how sometimes we can be our own worst enemies.

 

YOU wouldn't make choices that hurt you, this is not the OPs track record.

[Purepony]

I never have been. I always thought of my body as something sacred to me.

Being intimate was something I did with someone I really loved and care for. Something I did with someone I trusted. Sharing my most private self, the side of me that no one gets to see, with that person. The closeness I felt after being intimate was special. My body and feelings weren't some game to be played with. It was important to me and I think it still is. But I am tired.

 

Now I'm so lonely, I miss being held, I miss having someone run their fingers through my hair. I miss being loved in a way that others get to feel. I know not all guys will want to cuddle after hooking up, but some might right?

Masturbation feels so sad, and I still cry when I do it. I have ever since. It reminds me that I am alone.

 

I am a little nervous that I will cry when I hook up because it will feel empty and I will feel emty too I guess, but I am not sure if that will happen. It is just something that is possible. I am hoping being physical would be good enough, at least for now. With enough alcohol, it might not even matter, I am a very happy drunk haha.

 

 

 

I have a few friends with benefits and I never hold there hands, kiss or run my hand through their hair or even hold them it’s pretty much just straight sec and that’s it.

 

I don’t think you’ll get what you want from just hooking up but who knows I guess it’s possible

[Happy Lemming]

If you look at the OPs history, you will see she has really been struggling with rejection, has been suicidal , really emotionally traumatized.

 

I didn't know this... As I explained up-thread, I haven't been here that long and haven't read any back threads. Her original post said nothing about suicide or suicidal tendencies.

 

I'm not running out on you, but I have to start dinner. As I'm cooking a very nice dinner for my girlfriend who is coming over for Valentines Day.

 

Blue skies....

[d0nnivain]

You are 100% convinced that NSA sex or hookups will hurt her, I am not.

 

NSA sex can be fun. However, it's not for everybody. When I engaged in it, I had a blast but based on her young age, her relative naivety, her living situation, and her expressed desire for somebody to care about her, hitting the sheets with some guy she swiped right on simply because he showed up will end up devastating HiCrunchy. A few months back she was really in a bad place. She craves love but is kidding herself that she could accept sex as a substitute.

 

Sex for men & women is also different. Your organs are on the outside. Women need to accept another person inside of themselves to be intimate. That alone changes the dynamic. If you are used to or in search of that spiritual / romantic connection, when you have sex & it's not there, that emptiness is worse than forced celibacy & it's incredibly depressing.

 

Sometimes on LS a Q is just a Q. Many times there is more to the story. I have answered Qs in a vacuum then learned the true facts & retracted my initial advice.

[RecentChange]

I didn't know this... As I explained up-thread, I haven't been here that long and haven't read any back threads. Her original post said nothing about suicide or suicidal tendencies.

 

I'm not running out on you, but I have to start dinner. As I'm cooking a very nice dinner for my girlfriend who is coming over for Valentines Day.

 

Blue skies....

 

Simply, I was answering in the context of the OP (I have a habit if quickly checking to see what kinds of threads someone has been posting for perspective) and you were answering in a vacuum.

 

That's why I was saying, yes, great, wonderful for some people, but not this poster.

[William]

Moderation stopping by to remind members to not discuss other threads of a thread starter without bringing that content into this discussion and only if it is relevant. We've had an announcement on that forum wide for a couple years now.

 

What we do not want is a meta-discussion starting on content not the topic of this discussion, which seeks advice on the best way to live the single life. Thanks!

[HiCrunchy]

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't gotten the chance to reply to any of the posts I was at work.

 

I hope everyone is having a nice valentines day. I bought my parents some chocolates. It was small thing, but I think it was a nice surprise since they didn't expect it. I am glad a small thing can make them happy. haha a little off topic.

 

 

Yes, I know I am not "wired for hook ups". I know this very well that is why I have avoided them my entire life. I have a need for intimacy (not just sex but physical touch/care/kisses but not the friendly hugs you give family). I am trying to find a way to fulfill that need. I don't have any outlets and this was the only thing I can think of.

 

I am nervous about a friends withe benefits because I will fall for them if it happened. And that will definitely hurt more because I know for a fact they don't want a relationship. I thought the one night stand thing would keep me more detached. It is probably not the healthiest thing in the world, but I am at my wits end. I am so tired of being alone. I am tired of crying all the time. I am so pathetic. I am such a sad excuse for a human being. I should be so grateful I don't have real problems, and here I am crying like a little bitch because I am alone.

 

I could be considered "young", "fit", "smart" (tho this is questionable), "attractive"(subjective I guess). But at the end of the day, I am alone, and nothing can change that. These things mean nothing in the long run. None of these things have stop people from abandoning me, from discarding me like I'm nothing, from being dumped and left alone. Because I am not someone that is meant to be loved. And the fact that I have been alone for such a long time solidifies that fact in my mind. I would prefer to be ugly, dumb, obese etc if that meant that I got to love someone and be loved by someone.

 

Trying to change my thinking to "I'll find someone I have chemistry with to stay and love me as much as I love them" fuels a weird cognitive dissonance because I just don't believe it. My experience just doesn't back that up.

 

And even if I do, I am just waiting for when they will leave. Its a matter of when. Because they will leave, especially since I am so young. Relationships at my age are just trials for later apparently.

 

I'm also not so young anymore, approaching my mid 20s soon, I feel life is slipping away from me.

 

I try to tell myself that it is okay to be alone, because that its silly to think everyone is meant to find someone. Some people are just bound to be alone, and maybe that is me. But when I think about that I start to cry and hyperventilate.

 

I don't want to wait anymore for something that might not even happen. It makes more sense to just give up now and accept it.

 

I know its crazy, but if I am already suffering, whats it matter if I just hurt a little more. Maybe the random highs of hook ups would be nice once in a while. Its better than always feeling low. A good chuck of me doesn't want to do it, but I kinda feel like I don't have many options left.

Edited February 15, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[HiCrunchy]

OP, I recall you posting threads such as these several times on here before, and you have already been told many times that your problems are likely beyond the scope of the forum, and that if you are truly this unhappy, a medical professional could actually help you feel better than this. Yet you keep ignoring this advice, and a few weeks later you are back to posting a thread very much like your last one. Is there a reason why?

 

[]

 

Well as for going to a medical professional, I've done that. I was told my problems weren't real problems basically. Which is kinda true, I am basically being pathetic and crying about nothing. There are people with real problems in this world and here I am crying about loneliness.

 

Either way, I don't think someone psychoanalyzing me is gonna do me any good. Most of my experiences with a professional were mostly them trying to formulate some basic theory as to why I feel the way that I do, and then scratching their heads when my feelings/actions/responses aren't making sense with their "theory". I also have had experiences were I had to do my own analysis with them just being a "yes" man figure in the room and it just felt like a waste of time.

 

As for why I keep posting on the forum. Well, I want to encourage conversation because I think learning from people from all walks of life can be good in gaining perspective on a situation. In that way I can learn and try and solve my problems. Or at least cope enough to want to keep living.

 

Its also a good way to vent and I can talk to strangers without friends and family thinking I am such a sad soul.

[GuitarGuy7]

I think you should try it out and here's why.

 

Sometimes in life, the best way to learn and to gain knowledge is to go out and try it. The best way to learn what you like and don't like is to go out and experience it for yourself. You want to try hookups? Then what's stopping you from trying?

 

You may do hookups and realize they arne't for you, or you might do hookups and find out that you actually like it. How will you know if you never even try? There's nothing wrong with trying it, and if you find out that it's not for you, you don't have to do it again.

 

 

I remember as a 20 year old, I wanted to move away to go to college in a different town. I went there and realized it wasn't for me a year later, but I don't regret going because I had that experience and had I of not tried it, i'd still be wondering what i'd be like. Tie that analogy in to you wanting to try hookups.

 

 

And getting laid on Tinder will actually be easier (relatively speaking) since you are a woman and presumably attractive. And even if you're average looking, you're still going to have an easier time getting dates then 80% of guys on Tinder simply because you're a female. Women have a big advantage with online dating.

 

 

However, if you do decide to try hooking up, you should go in knowing some things.

 

Go in with the expectation that is just a hookup. Anything more than that is just a bonus.

 

Obviously be safe as well. The majority of men are otherwise harmless but you should still be a little cautious.

[Tribble]

I remember as a 20 year old, I wanted to move away to go to college in a different town. I went there and realized it wasn't for me a year later, but I don't regret going because I had that experience and had I of not tried it, i'd still be wondering what i'd be like. Tie that analogy in to you wanting to try hookups.

 

The difference is, you wanted to go away and thought you'd like it but reality didn't match the fantasy. In OP's situation, she doesn't want to do it, but is hoping it will partially fill a need she has. I can guarantee that won't happen. Casual sex should be done if you 100% want casual sex, not because you want something else. It's like putting a plaster on a bullet wound.