I'm so angry

[donotmicrowave]

..And I'm afraid I'll break!!

 

I despise mother. She has put me through too much. A couple of weeks ago, I had a complete meltdown, where I ran outside into the cold weather after she hurt me again (-15 and wind), I just threw up and cried. Three old, random men, picked me up and drove me to the city. And she just doesn't care, at all. I think she likes it when I'm broken.

 

She just got back from Thailand, where her and some other employees partied for 3 weeks. I have another 1-2 months left in our family business, I've moved out, but I can't handle it. She is cruel, and I'm so mad. Can't even respect me at work on a professional level.

 

All the gaslighting, blaming me for everything, making me feel useless and telling me that I'm not gonna succeed, I can't handle it. I just want to tell her to go **** herself. But I'm not like that.

 

I'm so afraid I'll end up being like her. I've noticed that I can be a bit controlling with others at times, it scares me so much. She's everything I don't want to become.

 

This is more of a vent I think. I don't know, I just wanted to share it with someone. I guess I just have to sit through with this.

 

It also breaks my heart to see how she's letting me go like I'm nothing.

[donotmicrowave]

I do have a question..

 

This one time, I was in my room (still lived home), upstairs, and was very close to downing all my antidepressants and sleeping pills. I took some, but then got scared. You either succeed or ruin your body.

 

I went downstairs to my parents, crying, saying that I'm scared and that I think I might do it.

 

They just ignored me, father yelled at me, and that was that. I called suicide hotlines and got help. I talked about going to a hospital later that night, but mother told me not to.

 

 

I talked about it with her quite a while ago. I asked why she ignored me, while I was clearly crying out for help. I told her that to me, it seemed like she didn't care.

 

Her response: "You take things the wrong way, everything's so dramatic for you. Me and father had our own motive for ignoring you, which I won't talk about today (in her "language", most likely ever)".

 

Does anyone have any idea what she was all about? I feel like I need to know this. And I will ask her in person, once it's my last day at work and I'll get to cut contact with the parents.

 

But can I please get some input from you guys too?

[Happy Lemming]

I haven't spoken with my mother in over 10 years.

 

My life is so much better for it. My theory is... If you had a friend that treated you poorly, you would cut them out of your life. Well, that was my justification for no longer speaking with my mother. She had nothing of value to say to me, so there was no reason to talk to her.

 

Moreover, I moved further away and put even more geographical distance between us. None of my family has my physical address and my father (who I do communicate with) only has a P.O. Box.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Does anyone have any idea what she was all about? I feel like I need to know this. And I will ask her in person, once it's my last day at work and I'll get to cut contact with the parents.

 

But can I please get some input from you guys too?

 

There's no way of knowing, donotmicrowave. She's the only one who can tell you.

 

I'm so sorry for the pain you have in your relationship with your mother. But, you don't have to become like her.

 

I wish there was something more comforting I could say to you. But, having a mother who is cold toward you is really rough. I hope you can find healing. Sending hugs to you!