oatmealkisses Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 My ex and I were married for just shy of 6 years. I left and divorced him. He did a ton of things wrong. I don't go into all of it but cheating, lying, alcohol abuse, controlling, etc...We have 3 kids together. We have been divorced 15 months. He got into a relationship a month after the divorce and is still with her. I got into a relationship 1.5 months after the divorce. I ended the relationship I was in after 6 months. Ex and I started talking/seeing each other after I was single again. I asked him to break it off with the gf if he wanted to do anything with me since he majorly downplayed his attachment to her I didn't think he wouldn't do it. He told me he left her but I found out he didn't leave. I feel like all he's trying to do it have both of us. It isn't fair. I feel like trash for even getting myself into this situation. Yet I keep trying to completely break it off and he starts calling/texting/showing up here. It would be a lot easier if we didn't have 3 kids together that we have to communicate about. What has helped you guys move on when you have kids in common? Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 Can I take a different route and ask a few questions?? I've known of two couples that got divorced, realized that they still loved each other and re-married. Do you want a relationship with your ex?? Do you think he has changed for the better?? If he fixed all of this issues you have with him (including the new gf), would you consider re-marrying him?? Can you forgive him for all of his indiscretions from the past?? Do you still love him?? Link to post Share on other sites
CloudyHead Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 I don't understand why you want to renew a relationship with your ex-husband based on your description of him. It seems like you are jumping from relationship to relationship. As far as communication with an ex, the only issues you should discuss are child-related issues. Any other topic is off limits. What helped me? I no longer had feelings for my ex-husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 (edited) Time and years apart ......i met him again for the first time in over ten years.we have three girls together.....feeling in my heart we were meant to not be together....he chose to leave he chose to leave me for another i gave him a choice to leave her or me he chose her......it needed to be done...and it hurt badly....we took some time in no contact and then began to rekindle friendship...he split with his gf after ten or so years......and we talked about being together again....reminisced about good times.....had some laughs....but behind those laughs ...was a feeling of it being wrong for us and we both said it... my heart healed and when it did....it pushed him out....there's no room in my heart for him to be my guy...a friend yes....but i could never trust him in ever being true to me...my heart is in reserve for a guy i can trust to stay with me...good times and bad.....and not leave me when the seas get rough..its the only way ...i can ever be happy.....my seas are often rough....and i don't need a mutineer who abandons ship....i am captain...and i go down with the ship.i am not a fan of any person who leave others to drown though...and i have forgiven him but ill never forget he left my girls to drown in traumatic ways.............it changed my perception of him....my heart tells me...he would again...i wont take that chance...he had all the chances my spirit could give him..so many many chances..... maybe you arent healed yet maybe you are trying to lie to your heart that it could work......your heart knows though......already...he isnt for you...listen to your heart..he has a side order ......are you the side order or is th ecurrent gf a side order......your kids need to see you being loved....respected....cherished....so that when they grow up...boys or girls...they remember what being true to someone means...what real love is...and what real happiness is...by what you lead them to know and see.... dont you live a lie.....not for anyone...and certainly not for your kids...does more harm than good....stay true to you.....and your kids..dont settle for any less than you truly deserve and that way....your kids might not settle for less either....you know he wont be true....dont you?......i wish you peace and healing....time will be your friend and your heart your guide.........deb Edited February 14, 2018 by todreaminblue 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OptimismHopeTrust Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 First, do not beat yourself up! You thought that he was serious about getting back into the relationship with you. I get it. Many of us do. You have three children and you were hoping that you could be a family again. You both got into relationships really fast after your separation. There wasn't a lot of time to heal or to have self-reflection. But you were out of your relationship after six months and you have had time to think some things through....maybe you have more work to do, only you know that. But sadly, he has shown you where he is at. His actions speak louder than any words and he is "telling" you that he is not committed to you. So, now you do know. And now you need to think about boundaries to protect your heart. Those kids need their Mom to be whole and healed! Let conversations between you only be about the kids. If he tries to suggest more, it is up to you to change the conversation or tell him you can't talk about it, maybe that you think it's best that this is not a discussion at all between you. Even if he ended his other relationship, you would still need to seriously evaluate whether this would be right. You might want to talk to a professional counselor and work through some of the feelings you are struggling with. You are worth it! You deserve to be at peace and you have a lot of life ahead of you. Reach out to trusted family and friends who can support you and keep you strong. There are a lot of support groups for divorced, separated or single parents. Celebrate yourself and know that all will be well. It is a journey and takes some time, but you will come out on the other side of this. I wish you and your beautiful children well. Never ever lose hope! Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 Simple question. What, if anything, has he done to show you through actions and not words that he is a safe partner you can be in a trusting relationship with? Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 golly. i've got so much sympathy for you i don't know where to begin. it's so hard to keep seeing the ex, but you're going to be doing just that, seeing him, fighting with him, talking to him and sharing most major holidays. for years and years. ouch. it's hard. because the "could have beens" linger. even if you are sure as i was, i'd never have him back. hell, i'd been murdered, so that helped my resolve. i was positive it was over. down to my guts i understood the mine hated me. he hates me, the proof is in his exit. plus, i'd just learned all his tricks and what a down to dirt liar he was. and i can't tolerate lying, its a nasty trait. hasn't yours ever lied to you? isn't that what's hurting you now? once again, he's lying. however, since you don't seem to have the firm resolve that it's over, change his name to "pain" in your caller ID. or " leave a message". which will buy you time to to take a breath before you talk to him. get visitation spelled out in blood and indelible ink, including holidays. i let my ex do his visititation in my house, hell he had a key. he knew to be gone before i got back and he knew how long i'd be gone. it worked to keep him from dragging the kids over to his new GF's and exposing them to her "family". stop talking to him on the phone and only use text or email. only discuss the children. you can look back with him, but don't go down memory lane to often, it's dark back there. or. you can keep what you have now, you can give in and just spend the next 10 years with him. until the kids leave the nest, have him over, have meals together, holidays and drop off soccer. in other words, live an intimate life with him, you seem to enjoy him and face it, you need him right now. you won't be able to share a bed again unless he's single and you want to, but he can't sleep over at the house. and do me a little favor. find the song...you can't always get what you want, but if you try, sometimes... and listen to it. he'd be in your life, with boundaries, you can use him in ways neither or you could even think up right now, while someone else can smell his socks and listen to his bull****. the point is, you're in charge. you call the shots, have over, have him out, see other people. sounds glorious. by the time you're tired of it all, the house well be paid off and hopefully, mostly empty. a sense of the absurd will also help, if humor fails. and face it, often does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oatmealkisses Posted February 20, 2018 Author Share Posted February 20, 2018 Can I take a different route and ask a few questions?? I've known of two couples that got divorced, realized that they still loved each other and re-married. Do you want a relationship with your ex?? Do you think he has changed for the better?? If he fixed all of this issues you have with him (including the new gf), would you consider re-marrying him?? Can you forgive him for all of his indiscretions from the past?? Do you still love him?? Do I want a relationship with him as is? Hell no. Has he changed? He needs major work. Years of professional help. Do I still love him? Yes. But I won't accept take him as is. Link to post Share on other sites
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