What do you think it means when boyfriend says...

[grays]

"It takes me a long time to fall in love." He said that maybe around two months after we started dating and it was definitely some kinda warning, like "don't expect me to say it anytime soon." Now its been nearly six months. There have been a couple of points where I was really feeling it but I don't want to say it first. He has teased me about how "transparent" I am about being crazy about him and how I "wear my heart on my sleeve," and I think those things are kind of true about me. I am generally very open about everything. He's not, and he's pretty hard to read. So I'm feeling like I'm ready for him to say it, ffs. I say all the nice things. And its his turn. I know that sounds kind of immature, but I feel like if I'm the first to say it that I will always wonder if I pushed him into saying it back.

 

But wtf does that mean that it takes him a long time? I don't even know what a normal amount of time would be. When he said it I told him I didn't know how long it takes me to fall in love because it's only happened once ever so I can't see much of a pattern.

 

When I see questions like this on LS, I usually think, "ask your partner," but here that would be tantamount to me asking him to say it.

 

And now that I'm thinking about this... What if he just never says it??? I wonder if eventually I'd just find some way to move on even if we're still having a great time together. Because, really, if he doesn't love me then I kinda wanna be with someone who does.

 

This is so different from my ex. We were very close friends and then roommates for a long time before we became a couple. And he told me that he loved me the day after our first kiss and I told him that I loved him, too.

[preraph]

Did you ever see that episode of The Nanny when Mr. Sheffield told Fran he loved her and then took it back? That happened to me. Yes, FFS.

 

It's not always a bad thing when they haven't said it, but yes, it can be, of course. In this case, he didn't want to say it until he was ready to back it up with a life commitment, and he was just getting out of his first marriage so obviously, that would have been premature. But that's not a terrible thing. At least then when they say it, you know commitment comes along with it. So let's hope that's the case, but who knows. And some good guys won't say or do it until they feel they're set up financially and got their ducks in a row, also not a bad thing. In time, I think you'll find out if this is the case. I mean, he will either look like he's laying a foundation for a long-term commitment or he won't.

 

While it's late-ish to say sweet things like I love you, it's still early for a big commitment, so be patient maybe another six months. Happy Valentine's Day.

[carhill]

IME, it's either emotionally unavailable or thinking the relationship. If disclaimer comes after obvious signs of emotional attachment from dating partner, it's a clever challenge to that partner, capitalizing on want. If one finds just the right combination, he'll love me.

[Mrin]

I guess I would say I would go more by how he acts and treats you and less about what he actually says in terms of the I love yous. Do you feel loved by him?

[anika99]

I think most people are really just infatuated when they declare their love early in the relationship. Infatuation is fickle and temporary. Maybe your bf wants to be sure that what he feels is really love and not just lust and infatuation before he says it. If he treats you well otherwise and you are both enjoying the relationship then I don't see a problem right now.

[nospam99]

Now its been nearly six months. There have been a couple of points where I was really feeling it but I don't want to say it first.

 

Irony. You're at six months asking why it hasn't been said yet. I'm just short of three weeks (we spoke on the phone last night for an hour and a half before acknowledging we'd both better get some sleep)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/652606-when-do-you-know-s-really-love

 

asking whether it's too soon to say it. Good luck with yours

[d0nnivain]

It's the emotional equivalent of stiff arming you, keeping you at a certain distance.

 

Some guys are just chicken. Some are not verbal.

 

If you need the words, say them. Be brave. If he can't or won't say them back, take stock for yourself about whether your needs will ever be met & act accordingly.

[Els]

I honestly never understood the importance placed on saying ILY. I mean, if that's the type of love language that you need (verbal affirmation), then absolutely bring it up. But you do realize that whether or not someone says it has zero correlation with whether or not they ACTUALLY love you, right? A more smooth-tongued man can easily say it without meaning it, and a man who prefers to express his love in other ways might not say it even if he does.

 

IME, when someone loves you, you see it in their actions. You see it in them prioritizing your well-being and happiness, you see it in the little things they do for you every day. You see it in the effort they put into your relationship. That is a far better indicator of genuine love, than words.

 

But, again, nothing wrong with desiring words. Just be aware that words have very little to do with actual love.

[todreaminblue]

I honestly never understood the importance placed on saying ILY. I mean, if that's the type of love language that you need (verbal affirmation), then absolutely bring it up. But you do realize that whether or not someone says it has zero correlation with whether or not they ACTUALLY love you, right? A more smooth-tongued man can easily say it without meaning it, and a man who prefers to express his love in other ways might not say it even if he does.

 

IME, when someone loves you, you see it in their actions. You see it in them prioritizing your well-being and happiness, you see it in the little things they do for you every day. You see it in the effort they put into your relationship. That is a far better indicator of genuine love, than words.

 

But, again, nothing wrong with desiring words. Just be aware that words have very little to do with actual love.

 

 

Just be aware that words have very little to do with actual love.

 

 

unless he or she is actually a poet...the words mean everything.....:0)...deb

[d0nnivain]

I honestly never understood the importance placed on saying ILY. I mean, if that's the type of love language that you need (verbal affirmation), then absolutely bring it up. But you do realize that whether or not someone says it has zero correlation with whether or not they ACTUALLY love you, right? A more smooth-tongued man can easily say it without meaning it, and a man who prefers to express his love in other ways might not say it even if he does.

 

IME, when someone loves you, you see it in their actions. You see it in them prioritizing your well-being and happiness, you see it in the little things they do for you every day. You see it in the effort they put into your relationship. That is a far better indicator of genuine love, than words.

 

But, again, nothing wrong with desiring words. Just be aware that words have very little to do with actual love.

 

True but when verbal affirmation is your love language the silence is deafening. My EX did all sorts of amazing sweet & wonderful things for me. Intellectually I knew acts of service was his love language but to me it was a foreign language & was casting about in a sea of uncertainty because I needed the words

[todreaminblue]

True but when verbal affirmation is your love language the silence is deafening. My EX did all sorts of amazing sweet & wonderful things for me. Intellectually I knew acts of service was his love language but to me it was a foreign language & was casting about in a sea of uncertainty because I needed the words

 

was casting about in a sea of uncertainty

 

ahh a closet poet you are donnivain....:0).the start of a poem buried in your post..word girl.......:0).....deb

[BluesPower]

"It takes me a long time to fall in love." He said that maybe around two months after we started dating and it was definitely some kinda warning, like "don't expect me to say it anytime soon." Now its been nearly six months. There have been a couple of points where I was really feeling it but I don't want to say it first. He has teased me about how "transparent" I am about being crazy about him and how I "wear my heart on my sleeve," and I think those things are kind of true about me. I am generally very open about everything. He's not, and he's pretty hard to read. So I'm feeling like I'm ready for him to say it, ffs. I say all the nice things. And its his turn. I know that sounds kind of immature, but I feel like if I'm the first to say it that I will always wonder if I pushed him into saying it back.

 

But wtf does that mean that it takes him a long time? I don't even know what a normal amount of time would be. When he said it I told him I didn't know how long it takes me to fall in love because it's only happened once ever so I can't see much of a pattern.

 

When I see questions like this on LS, I usually think, "ask your partner," but here that would be tantamount to me asking him to say it.

 

And now that I'm thinking about this... What if he just never says it??? I wonder if eventually I'd just find some way to move on even if we're still having a great time together. Because, really, if he doesn't love me then I kinda wanna be with someone who does.

 

This is so different from my ex. We were very close friends and then roommates for a long time before we became a couple. And he told me that he loved me the day after our first kiss and I told him that I loved him, too.

 

This concerns me a little... and I kind of think you are right to be concerned.

 

You are younger that me and GF, but not by that much. So for me, if I am not really into a girl (read as falling in love) then I am not going to be exclusive with her.

 

And, conversely, if I don't realize pretty soon into the relationship that she really digs me (also read as falling in love) then I am definitely not going to be exclusive.

 

So if it has been 6 months, and he does not want to say that he is in love or is not in love, then what are we doing here? See what I mean.

 

I am just not one to invest a lot of time in a woman that I am not in love with, I can get laid as much as I want, but I want more.

 

I want a loving long term relationship with someone that I can spend the rest of my life with.

 

See where I am coming from????

[Gaeta]

After 6 months I'd want to know as well.

 

Be a strong and confident woman and say it first. Don't expect anything in return, just offer it to him. It will be liberating and you will know where he stands. You cannot live indefinitely holding it inside, eventually you will start building up resentment and it will hurt your relationship.

[Els]

True but when verbal affirmation is your love language the silence is deafening. My EX did all sorts of amazing sweet & wonderful things for me. Intellectually I knew acts of service was his love language but to me it was a foreign language & was casting about in a sea of uncertainty because I needed the words

 

Certainly, I think she's absolutely within her rights to want that love language (and also to talk to him about it). However, she seems to be conflating the three words with whether or not he actually loves her... which is what I'm cautioning her about.

[grays]

I guess I would say I would go more by how he acts and treats you and less about what he actually says in terms of the I love yous. Do you feel loved by him?

 

I actually do feel loved by him. Thank god! And you and Elswyth make a good point. It's not all in the saying of it. I do wanna hear it though.

 

But lately he's taken to saying that he misses me, like when we're together after a few days apart, in a way that feels very intense. The first time it happened I felt immediately like the words were "i miss you," but the feeling behind it was "i love you." He also manages to say my name in a way that's somehow full of feeling. When my ex used my name it was always a bad sign, like when your mom uses your first and middle. But when boyfriend uses my name it always feels loving and intense somehow.

 

This concerns me a little... and I kind of think you are right to be concerned.

 

So if it has been 6 months, and he does not want to say that he is in love or is not in love, then what are we doing here? See what I mean.

 

I am just not one to invest a lot of time in a woman that I am not in love with, I can get laid as much as I want, but I want more.

 

I want a loving long term relationship with someone that I can spend the rest of my life with.

 

See where I am coming from????

 

Yes! Me, too. Sort of. Its funny because before I met him I would not have said that I was looking for someone to spend my life with. But now that I'm with him I really wanna keep him.

 

He seems very invested. It feels in some ways like love at first sight. I wouldn't have said that in the beginning. Like, I remember in those first three weeks being a little skeptical of him. But I also completely cut off all my other guys as if they didnt even exist that very day after spending like 45 min with him. And he was single mindedly chasing me like I've never seen those first few weeks. We were usually seeing each other twice a day at first. We've never gone a day without talking since.

 

But there still is some part of me that wants to hear the words! Gah! I think part of that is that we haven't been able to see each other very often lately and when we do its so intense. And after we walk away from each other I'm shocked that we seem to keep feeling MORE and I want to be able to talk about it with him. And in my mind, to talk about it would mean I love you's. But he has kind of addressed those feelings some without using that language. Maybe 2 months ago he told me that when he left my place one night he sat in his car and cried because he'd never felt like this before and because he'd never had sex like this before in his life. (The insecure part of me sometimes chalks that up to just good sex, but I know its not about the mechanical act.) And then monday night he was saying similar stuff.

 

I feel like he's walking right on the edge of saying it and I think I imagine that he's also right on the edge of feeling it. But maybe he's feeling it but not saying it.

[BluesPower]

I actually do feel loved by him. Thank god! And you and Elswyth make a good point. It's not all in the saying of it. I do wanna hear it though.

 

But lately he's taken to saying that he misses me, like when we're together after a few days apart, in a way that feels very intense. The first time it happened I felt immediately like the words were "i miss you," but the feeling behind it was "i love you." He also manages to say my name in a way that's somehow full of feeling. When my ex used my name it was always a bad sign, like when your mom uses your first and middle. But when boyfriend uses my name it always feels loving and intense somehow.

 

Yes! Me, too. Sort of. Its funny because before I met him I would not have said that I was looking for someone to spend my life with. But now that I'm with him I really wanna keep him.

 

He seems very invested. It feels in some ways like love at first sight. I wouldn't have said that in the beginning. Like, I remember in those first three weeks being a little skeptical of him. But I also completely cut off all my other guys as if they didnt even exist that very day after spending like 45 min with him. And he was single mindedly chasing me like I've never seen those first few weeks. We were usually seeing each other twice a day at first. We've never gone a day without talking since.

 

But there still is some part of me that wants to hear the words! Gah! I think part of that is that we haven't been able to see each other very often lately and when we do its so intense. And after we walk away from each other I'm shocked that we seem to keep feeling MORE and I want to be able to talk about it with him. And in my mind, to talk about it would mean I love you's. But he has kind of addressed those feelings some without using that language. Maybe 2 months ago he told me that when he left my place one night he sat in his car and cried because he'd never felt like this before and because he'd never had sex like this before in his life. (The insecure part of me sometimes chalks that up to just good sex, but I know its not about the mechanical act.) And then monday night he was saying similar stuff.

 

I feel like he's walking right on the edge of saying it and I think I imagine that he's also right on the edge of feeling it. But maybe he's feeling it but not saying it.

 

Here is where I have a problem. Is it gamesmanship, where he does not want to say it first? If so that is 25 YO stuff and I don't have time for that.

 

Does he have issues expressing his emotions? If so that is a flag. I mean you guys are beyond grown so most men that age should have gotten past that stuff by now.

 

By 45, a man should be who he is, and hopefully he can talk about emotions and feelings, if not, is that someone that you want to be with?

 

I just think you should be a little guarded and take it somewhat slow, just to protect yourself.