I'm tired of being tired of this.

[koncreterose]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for the past 5-6 years. We were in the same city for the first 2 years and have been long distance for the rest of the time (he moved back home after college). Mid last year he broke up with me because he felt that he wasn’t where he wanted to be in life and he needed to separate himself so he could focus solely on advancing (getting a place on his own, better job, etc). I was HEARTBROKEN.

 

After a few months (maybe 4-5) a few things in his life changed and we decided to give our relationship a try again. Red flag 1: when I asked if he loved me, he told me that he loved me but he wasn’t IN love with me (“How can you be in love with someone who you haven’t seen/interacted with in a long time?”) This bothered me but I tried to let it go. I figured once we starting talking and seeing each other again, things would return to the way they were. Two months later – still no “I love you,” “I miss you,” nothing like that. He shows affection sometimes in words and in person but it still feels very inconsistent. Also, for the last few weeks, we haven’t been talking as often and I haven’t been hearing from him unless I initiate it.

 

Eventually, all of this came to a head and I explained to him that all of those things worried me and made me fearful that something was wrong or that he would leave me again. I told him that I wanted things to be the way they were before when I could tell that he was crazy about me – he would contact me a lot, verbal and physical affection, etc. He says the distance makes it hard to remain attached like that. I tell him that I need reassurance, I need to know that he loves me and that things are going to return to the way they were. He didn’t respond. I feel like….crap. Please help. Because he’s framing it like I’m crazy and this just came out of the blue but I really don’t think I am :/

[Els]

Sorry to hear that; this is a really tough one. Distance, especially 3-4 years of distance as in your case, can really take a toll on a relationship. Unfortunately, it sounds to me like he's just going through the natural progression of getting tired of the distance, and it would certainly affect his investment in your relationship.

 

Just to be clear - I am a supporter of making LDRs work, and was in (a successful) one for 2 years. But it is HARD and it does play havoc with your relationship and your emotions. Anyone who says that distance is easy or that love conquers all, has likely never tried any significant period of long distance. People talk about how the first year of cohabitation is hard or about how the "7-year-itch" is hard or about how moving countries is tough, etc etc... but IMO none of that came anywhere close to how insanely difficult the later half of our LDR was. It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.

 

Why did he move back after college instead of staying with you? Why has neither of you tried to close the distance in all this time? When do you foresee the distance ending?

Edited February 15, 2018 by Elswyth

[d0nnivain]

Not everybody can handle an LDR.

 

Do you have a time line about when the distance will close? If you don't, it may be best to let this go as untenable.

 

If you can be together again in the same geographic area shortly, get him to focus on that. If when the distance is closed you still can't make it work, then there is no hope.

[gelite3]

I'm so sorry that you are facing these challenges in your current relationship. Long distance relationships can be very difficult, even when both people are really committed to each other and committed to making the relationship work. Have you tried having a heart to heart conversation about each of your relationship expectations and direction for the future? If you are both able to honestly take the time to realistically examine the situation, perhaps you will be able to make a decision about the course of the relationship. It may be hard to face the truth, but in the end, it would likely be the most beneficial.

[Whodatdog]

Sounds like he's trying every way he can, without out and out telling you, that he doesnt care for you anymore. You are doing all the contacting, you are telling him what and how you want him to care for you..and its just not there.

 

If you read your other thread from last October, he was telling you then it was over. You didnt want to hear it then.

 

Sounds like its pretty much over. It wouldnt be surprising if he is dating someone else at this point.

Edited February 18, 2018 by Whodatdog

[koncreterose]

Sorry to hear that; this is a really tough one. Distance, especially 3-4 years of distance as in your case, can really take a toll on a relationship. Unfortunately, it sounds to me like he's just going through the natural progression of getting tired of the distance, and it would certainly affect his investment in your relationship.

 

Just to be clear - I am a supporter of making LDRs work, and was in (a successful) one for 2 years. But it is HARD and it does play havoc with your relationship and your emotions. Anyone who says that distance is easy or that love conquers all, has likely never tried any significant period of long distance. People talk about how the first year of cohabitation is hard or about how the "7-year-itch" is hard or about how moving countries is tough, etc etc... but IMO none of that came anywhere close to how insanely difficult the later half of our LDR was. It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.

 

Why did he move back after college instead of staying with you? Why has neither of you tried to close the distance in all this time? When do you foresee the distance ending?

 

He moved back home bc that’s where he wants to live long term. I’ve said for years that I’m okay with living in his city but only after we’re engaged. I don’t feel comfortable leaving all of my family, my job, etc. without a commitment of that level.

 

Before we broke up, when I asked about engagement he said not that year (2017) but maybe this year. But it wasn’t a guarantee. I haven’t asked since we’ve been back together bc it feels strange asking we we’re getting engaged when he can’t even say that he’s in love with me right now ?

[koncreterose]

Not everybody can handle an LDR.

 

Do you have a time line about when the distance will close? If you don't, it may be best to let this go as untenable.

 

If you can be together again in the same geographic area shortly, get him to focus on that. If when the distance is closed you still can't make it work, then there is no hope.

 

Nope, no timeline currently. I feel weird about bringing it up bc, for me, it’s tied to when we’ll be engaged and I feel strange asking about that when he can’t even say he’s in love with me.

[Els]

He moved back home bc that’s where he wants to live long term. I’ve said for years that I’m okay with living in his city but only after we’re engaged. I don’t feel comfortable leaving all of my family, my job, etc. without a commitment of that level.

 

Before we broke up, when I asked about engagement he said not that year (2017) but maybe this year. But it wasn’t a guarantee. I haven’t asked since we’ve been back together bc it feels strange asking we we’re getting engaged when he can’t even say that he’s in love with me right now ��

 

I really don't think this relationship is a good one for you, hon. I'm sorry. Most genuine LDRs are apart out of necessity - e.g. they're waiting for one party to graduate before moving, or waiting for a visa to be approved, or the other party can't find any jobs in the area despite trying their best, etc. In the case of you two, it seems that both of you CHOSE to stay apart and did not even try to close the distance after all this time (and to be clear I'm not necessarily blaming you here, he made the first decision to move and did not even seem interested in asking if you wanted to move with him, and seems to be happy with dragging the distance out). Either way, all of this signals that the relationship might not even be solid enough for a normal LTR, let alone a long distance one.

 

Might be best to let it go.

[smackie9]

Sorry but you both are crazy for letting this go on for so long. Obviously it's not to anyone's satisfaction here and it's really starting to fall apart. Reality check: the passion ship of the old days is lost at sea and isn't coming back.

 

I think he's waiting for you to cut anchor.

[koncreterose]

Sorry but you both are crazy for letting this go on for so long. Obviously it's not to anyone's satisfaction here and it's really starting to fall apart. Reality check: the passion ship of the old days is lost at sea and isn't coming back.

 

I think he's waiting for you to cut anchor.

 

Hmm I can’t even disagree with you on that. Thanks for the honesty.

[koncreterose]

So after he didn’t respond to me for two or three days, I texted him to ask why he was ignoring me. He said he wasn’t, he just didn’t want to respond bc he’s answered these questions (are you committed to us, how do you feel about me) before. I said I felt disrespected by his lack of response. He said that was my right but he didn’t apologize. After more questions, he said he is committed to our relationship but when I asked how did he feel about me as far as being in love, he said ‘Idk.’ We went back and forth for a week literally bc every time I sent a message, he would go hours or days without answering (causing the conversation to drag on forever). When I mentioned this he said I was sending msgs all day “you think I have time to read and analyze that?” Eventually I told him to let me know when he had time to talk on the phone so we could get this handled. He then said that he ‘must be a really big problem for me’ and he does things his own way so he doesn’t know why I was upset. I again asked for him to tell me when he was available for a phone conversation and he hasn’t responded again (this was three days ago). I feel like he doesn’t care that I’m bothered by what happened and the way he handled things. Instead of trying to solve the problem, he ignored me and then tries to make himself into the victim. I feel totally disrespected and I’m over it. Thanks for the advice, those who responded.

Edited March 2, 2018 by koncreterose

[d0nnivain]

It's a bad idea to discuss serious relationship issues through text. You need all the non-verbal cues that come with face to face communication. If he won't get on the phone with you to address the problems, you have no hope of salvaging things. I'm sorry but the more you post, the more it seems you are in the relationship alone. Moreover if there is no plan to close the distance gap, what are you doing? Why bother? It seem fruitless so just let it go & move on to something more fulfilling.

[LoverOfDance]

Smh, men usually avoid these kinds of conversations. He will avoid it for as long as possible. He is not too busy for a phone conversation. He hasn't responded because he doesn't want to have that conversation.

 

I know you guys have been together for years but you have to let this go. When a guy tells you he is not sure whether he is in love with you or not after all this time, there is nothing to discuss or salvage. He has one foot out the door. You should never have to convince or beg anyone to love you.

 

He is confused and as long as he is confused, he'll continue to hurt you. If you love him, let him go so that he can move on with his life and figure out whatever it is he wants.

[preraph]

I learned something about long-distance along the way. Here's the thing. Guys are so visual and so sexual, that they don't feel in love unless they're staring at your body and contemplating ravishing it. You can be totally in love in person and then they go off to college, and their feelings ebb. Sadly, this is because they are oftentimes more in love with sex than in love with love. Women seem mostly to be in love with love. Some guys are too, but others really are not in love unless they're in bed with you. Then over time, they may feel protective and like nesting and possessive (can be good or bad), but they're just not quite as able to maintain their attention long-distance as women can because it's too physical.

 

The other thing is they can be in love with you and unless it's in love and total commitment, they can still be wanting to chase other women. So when you're not together, they're, I promise you, going to try to see other women. There will always be temptation. Now, me, when i was young and in love, I was blindly faithful even if they were not. I couldn't really see other guys. example: One guy I later noticed and thought was so cute and liked so much told me he first met me at a party. I knew this was a party right after a breakup with a guy I was in love with. i was miserable. I don't even remember this new guy and yet he says we sat on the floor and talked. No one I'm in love with needs to worry about me falling for another guy unless I FORCE myself to look elsewhere.

 

I just haven't ever known a guy that way.

 

My best perspective besides this general one is that he was already breaking away from you and his feelings lessening when he went and made those life changes. My best guess is he knew he was at the point in your relationship when he SHOULD want to take the next step of commitment, and he realized he wasn't ready for that. I think he realized he needed to move on. He didn't close the door because it's not like he didn't care about you. But as he stayed away, he become less and less attached. Then maybe he got lonely and got back with you, but his feelings aren't the same as before.

 

At some point, he's going to leave again, because he had already decided he wasn't ready to commit to you. The big question is does he not want to commit to you because he doesn't think you're the one, or does he just feel like he shouldn't commit to anyone until he gets his crap together or explores more or whatever? My feeling is if he just didn't feel ready for commitment period but still was nuts about you, he wouldn't have broken up but would have ridden it out for as long as you'd put up with a noncommital relationship.

 

So too bad he's not very comfortable talking about this, but you have a right to know. Don't let him gaslight you. I don't see it ending well, but I hope the best for you.

[justwhoiam]

If you two broke up, why were you still keeping in touch?

 

Whose idea was it to get back together?

 

How often have you met up in the last 12 months? And how often after the first couple years when you where living in the same city?

 

Unfortunately, without such information I can't give you any advice.

[koncreterose]

If you two broke up, why were you still keeping in touch?

 

Whose idea was it to get back together?

 

How often have you met up in the last 12 months? And how often after the first couple years when you where living in the same city?

 

Unfortunately, without such information I can't give you any advice.

 

I was still contacting him after we broke up. Eventually he responded...sometimes.

 

Hmm about a week or two after I stopped contacting him at all, he emailed me in respond to an old message that I sent him. We started back talking and both discussed getting back together. He was unsure about it though and told me that he wasn't sure if he could do a LDR without becoming distant with me. We went back and forth for awhile and he decided that he could commit to doing whatever was necessary to maintain our relationship.

 

We see each other every few weeks. We live four hours apart.

[koncreterose]

It’s been a week and he hasn’t responded back. Wow. Six years and I’m ghosted. Even if he contacts me again at this point, I’m letting it go. I feel so insanely disrespected. I ask for a phone call so we can discuss something that’s concerning me about our relationship and you don’t even respond to me. Just wow. If I’m back in a few months talking about him again, please come through the computer and slap some sense into me lol

[Agonistes]

It’s been a week and he hasn’t responded back. Wow. Six years and I’m ghosted. Even if he contacts me again at this point, I’m letting it go. I feel so insanely disrespected. I ask for a phone call so we can discuss something that’s concerning me about our relationship and you don’t even respond to me. Just wow. If I’m back in a few months talking about him again, please come through the computer and slap some sense into me lol

 

Sorry you're going through this.

 

I can relate a little. My long distance gf often doesn't respond to me or return my calls. It really hurts. I feel disrespected, unappreciated, and unloved when we are apart. She says she is busy and I know it's true. But I am not asking for more than a few minutes. It's completely opposite when we are together. Never a better relationship- face to face.

 

When she did not take or return my Valentine's Day call then blamed me the next day for forgetting Valentine's Day I was so pissed off that I decided I was going to sleep with a woman who I knew was crushing on me. And that's exactly what I did. I had rabbit sex with that woman every night for 8 straight days before stopping my "affair". When my gf tried to call or message me during that period I didn't respond to her in a timely way either. I don't recommend this immature passive aggressive method of relating but it's what I did. Not proud of it but don't feel terribly guilty either. She was probably with some other dude on Valentine's Day anyway.

Edited March 8, 2018 by Agonistes

[preraph]

^Sounds like something I'd do. It's weird..I'll wait a long time to try to get someone interested in me in the right way, but once they are and then they do something blatantly inconsiderate, I am capable of anything; plus on a practical note, I found other guys the best distraction when I was truly heartbroken, not necessarily sleeping with a gang of them, but hanging out in some capacity, reminding myself that I have options. Some people stew in their own juices. Mess with me, and I'll stew in someone else's.