After Six Years, She Became Unrecognizable in One Week!

[RobertJason]

I am in the midst of a relationship crisis. I have been with a woman who at her best is loving, intelligent, cuddly, and super cheery. Kind of a Drew Barrymore in looks and personality. At her worst she is moody, dismissive, uncaring, and grumpy. I am considered a 'sensitive guy' and she has tended to be the dominant one (think Rachel Ray). It worked! She was in love with me and I was in love with her for the last six years. She'd get moody, I'd become avoidant. We'd eventually talk it out and things would be okay. In recent years I've learned to not be codependant and when she says something ****ty to me I just politely call her out and leave the room. We both worked on personal growth and were both highly invested in working on the relationship.

 

Recently, she's unrecognizable to me. Nearly every time I talk to her she 'feigns interest for a couple minutes'. When I have a plan or a opinion she minimizes, dismisses, or even overrides my plan. Sometimes VERY aggressively. For example I was ordering sushi for her son and she didn't like what I was ordering so she raised her voice, cut me off, and told the waitress the order...even after I told her I knew what I was ordering and had ordered it with her son many times. When am telling a friend's kid that people graduate college around 23-24 years old, she cuts me off and insists that it's 22 years old. This all seems small, but these sort of angry interruptions and minimizing of my ideas is happening almost every interaction (ten times more frequently than in previous years). She seems pissed at me and out to hurt me. She denies any wrongdoing, saying I'm "too sensitive and she's not being rude". She is subtle enough in her insults and dismissiveness that it's sometimes hard to tell if I'm wrong about this. But, my gut says she's trying to inflict hurt. It's not a single communication that is upsetting me. It's that almost every conversation seems rude and almost mean (in a passive aggressive way, not to directly mean). The little jabs are adding up to regular unpleasantness.

 

We were having a relationship conversation this week and she gave me an ultimatum. Stating that I need therapy or she will leave me because she is not getting enough sex and intimacy. I've explained to her for months that the intimacy is suffering due to her recent bullying and insults. I am not passive or a nice guy (I used to be both) and I refuse to be romantic and give physical attention to someone who isn't being kind to me. She's not an outright, movie scene, bully or jerk--it's throttled back 50% from that, but is enough to feel horrible daily. During this conversation I started to tear up realizing that our six year relationship and my relationship with our son may have to end soon. She laughed at my crying and made fun of me for being sensitive.

 

I have always suspected she may be slightly Bipolar. We've always had major dramatic episodes occur every couple months. But, we got through them together. Now she's being cold and distant...leaving "two word" texts in response to my texts. Acting frustrated around the house. She recently lost her mom and grandma. I suspect this sent her into a new state of unhealthy behaviors that I was hoping I'd never see.

 

She wants sex and excitement. Her favorite relationship from the past was with a bipolar, in and out of jail, schizophrenic. She left him because she felt unsafe, but I can't help but think she wants to serial date so she can hold onto the romance of a honeymoon period forever. She is very insecure inside from a f'ed up childhood with druggie parents. I think she needs more flattery and physical affection than is typical this many years into a relationship.

 

I'm sad because I love her, but she stresses me out 80% of our interactions and I am likely to lose my family (I've been raising her son since he was a baby) over her need for excitement and ego boosting. She has said many times that sex is the only great thing about a relationship because everything else can be fulfilled by friends and family. I haven't felt sexy for multiple reasons (just lost a job, turning 42, our negative interactions). She just wants me to "give her romantic attention". She thinks that will fix everything. She is being distant and rude to me because she says "there's no connection any more".

 

How does someone go cold and flip from loving and cuddly to mean and bitchy after six years. I almost want to say it's emotionally abusive, but her jabs are so subtle that it might not be considered that.

 

Just to clarify, I am not passive or a pushover. I stand my ground. I think she liked me more many years ago when I was codependent.

 

Please let me know what you think! Have you been in a relationship with someone super moody that turns mean?

[Imajerk17]

I am in the midst of a relationship crisis. I have been with a woman who at her best is loving, intelligent, cuddly, and super cheery. Kind of a Drew Barrymore in looks and personality. At her worst she is moody, dismissive, uncaring, and grumpy. I am considered a 'sensitive guy' and she has tended to be the dominant one (think Rachel Ray). It worked! She was in love with me and I was in love with her for the last six years. She'd get moody, I'd become avoidant. We'd eventually talk it out and things would be okay. In recent years I've learned to not be codependant and when she says something ****ty to me I just politely call her out and leave the room. We both worked on personal growth and were both highly invested in working on the relationship.

 

Recently, she's unrecognizable to me. Nearly every time I talk to her she 'feigns interest for a couple minutes'. When I have a plan or a opinion she minimizes, dismisses, or even overrides my plan. Sometimes VERY aggressively. For example I was ordering sushi for her son and she didn't like what I was ordering so she raised her voice, cut me off, and told the waitress the order...even after I told her I knew what I was ordering and had ordered it with her son many times. When am telling a friend's kid that people graduate college around 23-24 years old, she cuts me off and insists that it's 22 years old. This all seems small, but these sort of angry interruptions and minimizing of my ideas is happening almost every interaction (ten times more frequently than in previous years). She seems pissed at me and out to hurt me. She denies any wrongdoing, saying I'm "too sensitive and she's not being rude". She is subtle enough in her insults and dismissiveness that it's sometimes hard to tell if I'm wrong about this. But, my gut says she's trying to inflict hurt. It's not a single communication that is upsetting me. It's that almost every conversation seems rude and almost mean (in a passive aggressive way, not to directly mean). The little jabs are adding up to regular unpleasantness.

 

We were having a relationship conversation this week and she gave me an ultimatum. Stating that I need therapy or she will leave me because she is not getting enough sex and intimacy. I've explained to her for months that the intimacy is suffering due to her recent bullying and insults. I am not passive or a nice guy (I used to be both) and I refuse to be romantic and give physical attention to someone who isn't being kind to me. She's not an outright, movie scene, bully or jerk--it's throttled back 50% from that, but is enough to feel horrible daily. During this conversation I started to tear up realizing that our six year relationship and my relationship with our son may have to end soon. She laughed at my crying and made fun of me for being sensitive.

 

I have always suspected she may be slightly Bipolar. We've always had major dramatic episodes occur every couple months. But, we got through them together. Now she's being cold and distant...leaving "two word" texts in response to my texts. Acting frustrated around the house. She recently lost her mom and grandma. I suspect this sent her into a new state of unhealthy behaviors that I was hoping I'd never see.

 

She wants sex and excitement. Her favorite relationship from the past was with a bipolar, in and out of jail, schizophrenic. She left him because she felt unsafe, but I can't help but think she wants to serial date so she can hold onto the romance of a honeymoon period forever. She is very insecure inside from a f'ed up childhood with druggie parents. I think she needs more flattery and physical affection than is typical this many years into a relationship.

 

I'm sad because I love her, but she stresses me out 80% of our interactions and I am likely to lose my family (I've been raising her son since he was a baby) over her need for excitement and ego boosting. She has said many times that sex is the only great thing about a relationship because everything else can be fulfilled by friends and family. I haven't felt sexy for multiple reasons (just lost a job, turning 42, our negative interactions). She just wants me to "give her romantic attention". She thinks that will fix everything. She is being distant and rude to me because she says "there's no connection any more".

 

How does someone go cold and flip from loving and cuddly to mean and bitchy after six years. I almost want to say it's emotionally abusive, but her jabs are so subtle that it might not be considered that.

 

Just to clarify, I am not passive or a pushover. I stand my ground. I think she liked me more many years ago when I was codependent.

 

Please let me know what you think! Have you been in a relationship with someone super moody that turns mean?

 

Sorry to read this. From what you posted though, she didn't become "unrecognizable within a week". The problems you are having in your relationship now are just part of the pattern you and she have had all along.

 

This whole situation just sounds really unhealthful in general. I feel bad for her son.

Edited February 15, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Cookiesandough]

Rachel Ray is dominant?

[Zahara]

How does someone go cold and flip from loving and cuddly to mean and bitchy after six years. I almost want to say it's emotionally abusive, but her jabs are so subtle that it might not be considered that.

 

It didn't happen overnight but the dynamic has always been this way since you started dating. She may be getting deeper into her dysfunction but it's always been there.

 

Just to clarify, I am not passive or a pushover. I stand my ground. I think she liked me more many years ago when I was codependent.

 

In your mind you may not be a pushover, but the fact that you have stayed and tolerated bad behavior for this long suggests to her that you are.

 

Please let me know what you think! Have you been in a relationship with someone super moody that turns mean?

 

Yes, I have been - twice. I left both relationships. Both were unhealthy and detrimental to my self-esteem.

 

I do feel sorry for her son. It's likely that he may soon emulate her behaviors.

[BluesPower]

One of about 3 things... and none of them are mutually exclusive.

 

1) She is Bat SH** crazy. And from what you write, I am thinking that this is the main problem. Not sure you can fix that.

 

2) She has lost all respect for you. By being codependent and passive with her, (you need to read this as weak, BTW), she has lost all respect for you.

 

Women do not want to be with weak men, they just don't. It makes them uncomfortable. So when you get out of this relationship, you need to get your man card back and start acting like one.

 

3) She is having an affair. On top of all of this, (Above), I think this is about 90%. She is screwing another guy, so she has to find more fault with you so she does not have to face the guilt of cheating. In essence, in her mind, you deserve to be cheated on because you are weak and not taking care of her in the bedroom.

 

So, all 3 of these could be going on. First one, you can't do much about. You can't fix crazy. Number 2, yeah, you need to fix that one for sure. It may be too late for this relationship, I think too much damage has been done, but you need to fix it for the next relationship.

 

Number 3 is just another reason to leave, and it really does not matter, she is done with you. She has not TOLD you to leave yet but she is done.

 

What you need to do is put on your big girl panties, get a job, and move out, ASAP.

[Imajerk17]

One of about 3 things... and none of them are mutually exclusive.

 

1) She is Bat SH** crazy. And from what you write, I am thinking that this is the main problem. Not sure you can fix that.

 

2) She has lost all respect for you. By being codependent and passive with her, (you need to read this as weak, BTW), she has lost all respect for you.

 

Women do not want to be with weak men, they just don't. It makes them uncomfortable. So when you get out of this relationship, you need to get your man card back and start acting like one.

 

3) She is having an affair. On top of all of this, (Above), I think this is about 90%. She is screwing another guy, so she has to find more fault with you so she does not have to face the guilt of cheating. In essence, in her mind, you deserve to be cheated on because you are weak and not taking care of her in the bedroom.

 

So, all 3 of these could be going on. First one, you can't do much about. You can't fix crazy. Number 2, yeah, you need to fix that one for sure. It may be too late for this relationship, I think too much damage has been done, but you need to fix it for the next relationship.

 

Number 3 is just another reason to leave, and it really does not matter, she is done with you. She has not TOLD you to leave yet but she is done.

 

What you need to do is put on your big girl panties, get a job, and move out, ASAP.

 

Yes in general these "dominant woman/submissive male" relationships never end up working out. I mean the couple may end up staying together for a while, but the dynamics during the relationship seem to be off.

 

At the beginning, she is just happy to have found a nice caring guy who puts up with her. But over the course of the relationship she loses/lost respect for the guy. And often it ends with cheating (and if someone really seems to have suddenly changed personalities it usually IS due to cheating).

[preraph]

This probably isn't much help, but just going on the examples, it's her son, so you can't argue about that. It's always her call regarding her son.

 

Her correcting you on little things, interrupting because she doesn't agree, I can see where the interrupting in the middle of a sentence is aggravating, but you have to admit that in casual conversation, it's pretty much the norm.

 

If I had to guess, I would guess that she has maybe been not calling you on stuff to just not rock the boat. But you know, if there's a chance of a lasting relationship, at some point, the "good behavior" has to get real because not many people are willing to keep quiet and not give their opinion for long, and it wouldn't even be healthy. I think maybe she is thinking, I've got to start verbalizing when I don't agree with him and see if it lasts that way or not because I'm not comfortable always stifling myself. Now, this could be either because she wants to see if it will weather and go long term, or it could be because she has stopped caring whether it does.

 

But I will tell you that a person disagreeing with you in itself is not at all disrespectful. Interrupting rudely is, but I mean, didn't you have a sibling or parent who did that growing up? That's a simple matter of waiting until you're calm and then saying "Can I finish my thought?"

 

I don't fault you for not feeling lovey dovey when you're unhappy. That's how most women are and something most men seem not to grasp. But I think you are being kind of spoiled wanting to never be disagreed with on these small everyday things.

[snowboy91]

I feel there are two possibilities here - I think the reality is a bit of both.

 

1) The change in her behaviour is probably more gradual than just one week. You might have only just noticed it in the space of a week. Think about all your interactions over the past year - have they been as loving and caring as you say they are, or were you shutting out any negativity as you were acting codependent?

 

2) When someone isn't completely committed to the relationship, little things start to get annoying, and sometimes people start to find ways to disagree with their partner so as to present themselves as an independent person. No-one who truly cares about their partner will intimidate and bully them.

 

She is being distant and rude to me because she says "there's no connection any more".

 

As much as I hate to say it, this statement usually means the ship has sailed. Sure, the everyday things you disagree on aren't all major and are open to interpretation, but when she's saying things like this and generally acting cold and distant (not to mention her view about sex), you know there isn't a future in this relationship. I know it sucks that it may impact your son, but with the cards you're dealt at the moment, it's better you are apart and happy than together and miserable - he will pick up on that.

[spiderowl]

Sorry, but it sounds like she's fed up with the relationship and is being disrespectful to you. This is usually a sign that things are unlikely to work out.

 

You are already feeling sad, hurt and defensive. That is not a state in which someone starts to want more sex. I suspect lack of sex is not her only complaint or she would not be being so disrespectful.

 

I am sorry about the little boy you have brought up. This is really difficult for you. No wonder you are feeling so down. Maybe you both need a trial separation or permanent one. I can't see this working out even with relationship therapy. She is just too disrespectful and seemingly does not care.

 

I hope things get better for you somehow.

[RecentChange]

Here is my take....

 

I am a lot like your girlfriend, I am pretty dominant / high sex drive / like excitement, and well, if someone shows any signs of being a pushover, I become a juggernaut.

 

I think she has lost respect for you. Before my husband, this is how most of my relationships fizzled out. We would grate on each other a bit, or even worse, he would get passive and clingy. Then I would lose respect and start being rude and not nice. It wasn't intentional to hurt them, it was my irritation with them - and if they didn't stand up to me? Done, last thread of respect gone.

 

Now, you have done some standing up, and she of course is not me - but this is what I see.

 

Oh and withholding sex? Yeah, all respect would be gone. Too sensitive? Again, I am going to end up bulldozing.

 

I am not saying it's right, but... From my perspective, and what I have seen from myself in the past, that is what I am seeing here.

[Downtown]

I have always suspected she may be slightly Bipolar. We've always had major dramatic episodes occur every couple months.

Robert, if you are "in a relationship with someone super moody," you may be correct about the bipolar. When moodiness (i.e., emotional instability) lasts for only a year or two, the two most common causes are a strong hormone change and drug abuse. However, you apparently are not talking about a temporary instability.

 

Instead, you seem to be describing a persistent lifetime instability that you believe may have originated in "a f'ed up childhood with druggie parents." I therefore note that the two common causes of lifetime instability are BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and bipolar disorder. Significantly, you do not seem to be describing a pattern of bipolar symptoms because you seem to be describing event-triggered mood flips, not those caused by gradual changes in body chemistry.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my discussion of 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences to see whether BPD traits might apply. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your partner exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, and icy withdrawal.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your partner's issues. Although it is easy to spot strong BPD symptoms, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid remaining in a toxic R/S or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Robert.

[Hoosfoos]

DO NOT give in to her ultimatums!

[seren]

Hi, my initial thought is that she is having an affair. Many BS could tell you that one of the things a WS will do is to create problems, then project that onto the BS, it makes you (general you) feel like you are to blame, losing your mind and is one of the more crueller things a WS does to a BS. It allows them to justify the A, it means they can 'allow' themselves to go elsewhere. I might be totally wrong, but it does sound like the relationship is going downhill. If it isn't an affair, she is losing respect for you and doesn't care if you are hurt.

 

Either way, I would be making plans for, what next, having a very frank, if it doesn't change then ... and stick to it. x