No social skills and lost the ability to communicate

[gvitesse]

I will try to keep this short as possible but I would really like some help as this problem is affecting my life a lot.

 

I had a happy childhood, I was never bullied, parents took good care of me, I was pretty popular in school and college. I had plenty of friends even though I was a bit shy (mostly shy talking to girls). When I first joined an internship, I felt socially anxious - I think it was because I had no knowledge on what to do, how to work and I was pretty bad at my job. I feared of people thinking bad of me. I hardly spoke with anyone and the HR and the whole company used to talk about how much of a social recluse I was. I later joined another job and I decided to change - I was the most liked, hard working employee there. I don't have trouble talking to strangers, in fact, I would speak to strangers I met in the taxi, in the bus and made them feel comfortable enough to share their day, their problems with me.

 

I moved abroad last year to study my master's degree. In the first week, I was confident, I spoke with everyone in the campus but I after couple of weeks, I noticed everyone used to hang out, go out together and the friends I made never invited me anywhere. I tried to make the first move but they would always say "I have other plans" or "busy". I started to feel lonely and when I did hang out with people, I felt like I suddenly lost the ability to communicate. I just didn't know what to talk. I was too formal with them and that must have made them uncomfortable. I started to just sit in my room most of the time and drink alcohol. I mostly just met my gf twice or thrice a week. Even with her, I felt like "what do I talk, what's the next topic". I started to drink before I met with friends so I can talk better.

 

6 months passed, I went back home to holidays and I was alive again - I met all my friends and I couldn't believe how I can talk freely, crack lot of jokes but here, I feel like I am a boring person. I just don't know how to establish a connection with new people, become best friends. I don't think I value myself. I also feel like I don't have anything to talk about because I don't go out anymore, I don't have hobbies, nobody shares gossip with me. Every time I go out of my room, I need to think what to talk about with my the people who live in my apartment. I don't know since when I started having this problem of "what should I talk about" but it won't go away now. It exhausts me and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't feel depressed about being alone in my room but I don't want to get used to this so I decided to get a roommate (he will be moving in with me soon) and I feel anxious.. What if he thinks I'm socially awkward. I feel like I lack social skills and I am afraid of not making any good friends.

[whichwayisup]

Need to work on getting your self confidence back and believe that you are going to make friends. Being self conscious about it gives off a vibe, so try your best to focus on all the positives in your life. Keep in touch with your loved ones and friends back home.

 

Volunteer somewhere during your free time if possible. Either with little kids or aging seniors. Doing that can help with your confidence level.

 

As for your new room mate, try to be open minded and let him take the lead, keep things light. Stressing about it only makes you feel more anxious. I'm sure he's going to like you.

 

Post back and let me know how things go.

[snowboy91]

6 months passed, I went back home to holidays and I was alive again - I met all my friends and I couldn't believe how I can talk freely, crack lot of jokes but here, I feel like I am a boring person.

 

The fact you relate well to your friends and can talk freely means you DO have social skills. Sometimes it's hard to translate to new people, but practice makes perfect. I've been in a similar position, a handy way to approach it is to remember it's better to be the awkward one in the room than to not be in the room. Accept that you might bumble a bit when making conversation - it won't matter to the right people.

 

Also don't forget that you won't "click" with everyone. And for whatever reason it can be location dependent - I recently travelled for work, and found it so much easier to talk with new people and make friends there than at home.

[basil67]

This isn't a social skill issue - if it was, you'd never have had any friends. Instead, it's a confidence issue.

 

Don't worry too much about the flatmates because not all flatmates are friends. The only thing which matters is that you're all personable and considerate of each other.

[anika99]

I agree that this is a confidence issue. Sounds like you were raised in a pretty safe and emotionally secure environment. Stable parents who stayed together and supported you. Went to school with same people year after year, had the same friends, never got picked on, no physical or mental disabilities that made life hard for you. In that environment you were sure of yourself, you knew who you were in relation to the people you knew and the place you lived. You were a big fish in a small pond, now you're the little fish in big pond.

 

This can be a learning and growing experience for you. Now you get to learn new emotional skills, like self reliance, the ability to cope with rejection, how to overcome obstacles and face fears, etc. There's a bunch of new things you can learn about yourself and others by sticking this out and finding your way.

 

I don't really have any suggestions other than stop obsessing over what you should talk about. The best conversations happen naturally and are not rehearsed. You don't have to have a super interesting life to be a good conversationalist. People can connect talking about anything and everything. Movies, books, shared work or school experiences. People also like to talk about themselves so be sure to give them the opportunity to do so by asking appropriate questions. Not like you are giving them the third degree by asking a series of personal questions but more casual and natural. Like if they happen to mention they walked their dog, then that's an opening to say "oh, what kind of dog do you have?" And after they share a little with you then you share something related about yourself with them so that they don't feel alone in the conversation. I know it's not as easy as I'm making it sound but with practice it will get easier. I never know what I'm going to talk about when I'm going into a social situation, I just listen to what other people are talking about and take it from there.