Feeling like I "lost" the break up

[John1989]

I have lost...

 

One year ago I left my girlfriend of 6 months becasue I felt that she took advantage of me and the future would have been very tough for us. I let her move in after one month of dating because I trusted her. She wasn't allowed to work in the US and she never contributed much. She always just sat around at home while I was at work and even used her dating profile during that time. She complained about many things and didn't seem happy. The sex life was crap in my opinion and it sometimes upset me.

 

I also left her becasue of a big age gap. Her goals were different from mine and it was best for the both of us to go our separate ways and try to find what we want elsewhere. She wanted kids, and I wasn't ready. She wanted commitment so that she could stay with me in the US but I wasn't able to give it to her. I didn't make this decision over night. I cried when I broke up with her. It hurt me so much to let her go.

 

One week after I broke up, I could really feel how much I loved her despite all the issues we had. I put so much effort into this relationship so I stupidly regretted breaking up and asked her to try again. She declined and I broke down in tears when she packed her things and moved out. Then she went NC and it drove me crazy. I kept texting her, begging her for weeks to talk to me but she only sometimes responded and in a very cold way.

 

She also told me that she didn't really love me becasue I had a bad personality. She told me that she was tired of pretending and that she has no regrets to having made this decision. Now she was the one in power and I was the one who gave it to her, making her the one who broke up with me in the end. I wanted both of us to have the power through communication and agreement.

 

I tried to get her to talk to me, but the last time we actually talked was one week after the breakup. I haven't seen her since then or heard her voice, but only communicated via text and email becasue that was the only way she wanted to. She also blocked me on Facebook, Instagram and whatsapp.

 

I still occasionally texted her for almost 8 months after that. Some of my texts were extremely depressive and some where hopeful. Some were hateful and some were apologetic. I kept working on myself and tried to change the things that made it so hard for us to continue, but I also was suicidal for a while and started drinking and sleeping around. She knows all that and she doesn't really seem to care too much about any of it becasue she rarely responded and never initiated any conversations. My feelings have become nothing to her.

 

So about 4 months ago I finally went complete NC and I haven't heard from her since. I even know she has been single and miserable this entire year becasue she can't find love and yet she doesn't care about me or what we had at all, even though we lived together and I gave her everything I could give her on my very limited budget living in a small apartment in a very expensive city.

 

Now, one year later I still feel lost. I feel like I gave her all that power and I can't get over it. I feel like I lost the break up and I feel like an idiot for giving her all that satisfaction. I wish I could go back in time and go NC right after I left her. I know I have to accept what happened, but I am still struggling one year later.

 

She was always the one who won. She won the fact that I took her into my place and took care of her. She won my heart and I didn't win hers. She won every argument we had and she always enjoyed that. She won becasue she doesn't realize what she did to me and becasue she doesn't care what she lost and she never will. And in the end she even won the break up if that makes sense.

 

I wish I could get over this and accept it. I have worked on myself so much, but nothing seems to work. I work out, got a new and better job, I am going to therapy and I am learning a new language. I dated some very beautiful women. Women who actually cared for me with wonderful hearts who were a much better fit, but I had to let them go because I am still not over this. In my head I am still feeling like the loser that got taken advantage of and then hurt afterwards on purpose.

 

She really didn't care about me and the relationship. She threw me away like useless garbage, and that's how she made me feel. She told one of our common friends once that she thought it was only a meaningless short term relationship to her and that she thinks it was kind of a joke to her. She said she only hoped for love to grow but in the end it didn't. She told her that it she is glad she left me becasue I was not a good boyfriend and she thinks that it was all her decision to leave me. She also said my personality was bad and that's the reason why she couldn't communicate special with me and why she never wanted to talk to me again.

 

At this point I also completely shut down my feelings to the outside. I pretend to be fine try to be relaxed and cool on the outside. I used to cry to my friends and family, but now I avoid the subject and try to be the spontaneous and fun guy I used to be. But inside I am torn and in pain and my thoughts keep drifting back.

 

I never looked at a break up like something that can be won or lost before. The idea seemed kind of immature and it could have been handled so much better by both of us. I wanted us to both be able to walk away from this with dignity and respect for one another's feelings. It was the best decision for us both and that's how it should have been treated. Her actions made me crazy and she seemed to enjoy this. I think this was cruel and unnecessary behaviour.

 

I am 28 and have gone through many breakups and I always got over them after a month or so. She is 39 and she has a lot more experience how to handle a situation like this and she used that experience to shift this in her favor. Why am I feeling so betrayed? How can I get over this feeling? Is it all just my pride? This whole thing is still keeping me up at night after one year and it still hurts and is keeping me from forming a new meaningful relationship with someone who deserves and loves me.

[basil67]

John, you really need to go back to the beginning of the story: It wasn't working so you ended it. You have power and you used it.

 

All the things she said to you afterwards were likely triggered by you going nuts with all the messaging after she decided that it was best for her to stay away. The more you push someone who's left, the more they need to push back.

 

Given all the unpleasant things you have to say about her, why are you still missing her?

[John1989]

I really don't miss her, but there is more to this story that makes this so hard for me to get over it. I can't get over how I handled the situation. It really isn't who I usually am or what my values are. I acted crazy and tried everything I could to change her mind and now I am left as the looser ex who acted like a crazy person.

 

I made the break up so easy for her, even though we both should be happy that it ended. In the beginning she seemed upset and still willing to talk, but as soon as she saw how much I was suffering she shut me out of her life completely. You could see it in her eyes when I broke down that she kind of liked it and it made her feel empowered.

 

At first I begged like crazy, then I cried and told her I can't go on without her.

In one of the last days before she left I even proposed to her to try to change her mind. She of course said no becasue she didn't love me becasue I got upset about things too easily according to her.

 

I never hurt her nor cheated on her. I often did things just for her becasue I wanted her to be happy while living with me. I even started going back to school so I could earn more so that we could have a child soon, becasue that was her biggest wish as she was approaching 40 and I don't even feel ready to have a child at this point in my life.

 

And yet, despite her rejecting my attempts to safe the relationship I still kept trying. I told her about my achievements and about all the things I did to change the situation and provide her with an even better life, but all she did was ignore it when I told her about my life. She never shared anything that is going on in her life nor what she thought or how she felt.

 

I also never communicated to her about why I broke up, nor does she really care. I never confronted her about the things that she did wrong. I only blamed myself in all communications we had since then. I never told her that I knew she was dating others behind my back. I never told her that I feel like she was taking advantage of me. I never really criticized her for the faults that lead to my decision.

 

When I broke up I only blamed myself. I told her that I couldn't take care of her anymore and that I was struggling affording to take care of two people. I also blamed myself for the fact that she wouldn't fall in love with me. I took all the blame becasue I didn't want to hurt her feelings or make her feel guilty.

 

One of her last emails to me said that she made this decision to leave me becasue she thinks we are not suitable for each other and that it is not a big deal and I should just get over it already. She also told me she doesn't really read most of the emails I sent to her becasue she is too busy. She was a pretty awful person after the breakup and I want her to know that. But to her treating me like this seems all justified. I let her walk all over me.

 

The problem is that all these feelings are still bottled up inside of me and I never used the opportunity I had to communicate them to her while she still listened to me. Now it is too late to say anything, and even though I shared how I feel with many other people, I never got a chance to talk to her about any of it. She basically just disappeared.

 

I also hate that I gave up myself and my own values by letting her walk all over me. I made her feel like the winner. I showed her my worst side and made it so much easier for her to throw everything away that we had as if it never mattered at all.

[CrazyKatLady]

It isn't about winning or losing, but if you feel like she won, just remember, she doesn't have you...

And somebody someday is going to appreciate you, not for what you do for them, but for who you are.

[basil67]

The problem is that all these feelings are still bottled up inside of me and I never used the opportunity I had to communicate them to her while she still listened to me. Now it is too late to say anything, and even though I shared how I feel with many other people, I never got a chance to talk to her about any of it. She basically just disappeared.

 

So what exactly would you say to her if you could?

[Kristine]

You need to remember the reasons you broke up in the first place. Think back, things don't usually change.

[John1989]

It definitely feels like I lost. I lost control and power and self respect (and quite a bit of money), so weirdly enough it now feels like it is about winning or losing. And that is why it was getting harder as I got over her because in the beginning I thought she was worth it and I won't regret trying everything I could to safe the relationship. But over time I realized that she wasn't worth any of it and all it did was give her all the power to walk away and reject me, leaving no doubts in her mind, making it so easy for her to move on and feel confident about it.

 

Normally I never looked at it this way but I will from now on. People can be so cruel and not have any respect for other people's feelings no matter how much you cared for them. And especially in the case of an awful person like her, who never treated me with value and respect but was willing to have me support her lifestyle while I tried to earn enough for both of us, I will not show them that they ever mattered to me anymore. I let her use me and then gave her the power to throw me away when it should have been me who let her go in the end.

 

The problem is my own actions. In the beginning after I told her I couldn't continue, she was still upset and trying to talk to me about things. She realized she had to stand on her own (or in her case someone else's) feet again. She felt hurt and insignificant and she started to question what she did wrong. That all changed as soon as she saw that I was in pain as well and that I wanted to change her mind again. I also didn't want her to feel bad either so I was open to talk about things and put most of the blame on myself. I should not have done that. She did not deserve it. I should have just cut her off right then.

 

I hate that she was able to reject me even though she was the one who destroyed our relationship and only used me the entire time while flirting with others behind my back and going on dates while I was at work. I never told her I knew she was doing that becasue I was afraid to anger and lose her. If I could go back in time I would tell her how much she sucks and then just completely cut her off forever just to make her feel as worthless and insignificant as she made me feel when she just cut me out after taking advantage of me for all these months.

 

In the future I will keep myself guarded emotionally. I will not show anyone how much they matter to me anymore. That was a big mistake that only hurt me. I trusted her stupidly. I was blinded by love and driven by my emotions and attachment to her. I learned so much about not trusting people and she didn't learn anything about what kind of a person she was to me. I believe she may have learned from her mistakes if I had broken up the right way. It should have been my decision but I let her be the one making it in the end.

 

I feel that as I got over her it also exposed more and more of her lies and yet I never confronted her about anything that she did wrong. I put it all on myself and now I am overcome by the weight of taking on all the pressure from her right from the start of the relationship until months after it ended. I mean I was about to marry her just so she could stay in the country. I kept bowing to her until she was completely over the whole situation.

 

I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone. I still need to make sense of my own feelings after one year. I know it is partially my ego and pride, but it is also me being critical of my own choices and actions that I am having a hard time getting over. She played me so well and I let her. I just never had anyone treat me like this before. Now I am unable to let this go and unable to give love to someone who deserves it until I can finally find peace with myself again. I hope someone knows what I am talking about and can relate.

[Realitysux]

It shouldn't be about winning or losing but it sure does feel like it and I too feel like I lost my breakup. All I can say is keep posting, I feel you.

[John1989]

Does anyone know why this hurts me so much even one year after all this went down? I broke up with her but she just ignored me right away and showed me that she didn't care at all that the relationship ended, while I was the one running after her for months trying to get her to at least speak to me again. Shouldn't I be happy to having left someone who would treat me like this during and after the relationship? Why am I still in pain when I got over a 6 year relationship so easily before?

[DevastatedJDC]

I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone. I still need to make sense of my own feelings after one year. I know it is partially my ego and pride, but it is also me being critical of my own choices and actions that I am having a hard time getting over. She played me so well and I let her. I just never had anyone treat me like this before. Now I am unable to let this go and unable to give love to someone who deserves it until I can finally find peace with myself again. I hope someone knows what I am talking about and can relate.

 

I can relate but don't have any words of wisdom as I'm still struggling with the same.... How could I have chosen to be in a relationship with someone that is now so cruel to me? How could I have believed they really loved me? What about me led me to believe them....? Why do I still want them back after what they did to me? How did I turn in to this desperate person? Why did I let them impact me so....?

[Veronica73]

This is such a cliche question/statement... but I’m going to ask it anyway...

Tell me about your mother...

 

I don’t know why, but from what you wrote... I’d guess she is in someways similar to somebody in your past, likely a parent or caretaker who you depended on and wasn’t there for you in fundamental ways that children need. So you unconsciously chase after the acceptance or whatever it was that you never got when you were growing up. Or something like that. I usually hate that mumbo jumbo kind of crap... but you really are seeming kind of... irrational... or not completely in control of what you are going through. (And I recognize parts of myself in what you have written and am just trying to impart a little bit of my understanding on my own situation to you. It may not apply at all.)

 

I also think... and I don’t know how to say this... but the male ego can be incredibly fragile. I don’t understand this need to “win” and always be on top. As a woman, I feel like that is something I always have to be conscious of with certain men... that I have to be really careful so that they don’t feel emasculated or feel like we are in a competition. It’s not pleasant. But that’s just my viewpoint as a woman who I think has had some experiences with men who always have to be in control or “win”. I don’t know where that comes from or understand it... but it’s not something that I enjoy being around. And I don’t mean any offense by that... I’m just giving my limited feelings on the matter. I’d rather feel that we are a team looking out for each other’s best interests. And being vulnerable and getting hurt isn’t “losing”. It’s called being present and open and honest. Which is brave.

[John1989]

Thank you guys for reading all of my thoughts. I know it is a lot.

 

Veronica, you may be on to something. My dad has committed suicide when I was 12 and left me and my family behind without even writing a note or anything to say goodbye to us. Maybe my exes behaviour brought back some of these feelings that are still somewhere deep inside of me.

 

She knew what I was going through and yet she still didn't care at all about me or what we had. She made it very clear that I didn't mean anything to her despite everything I had done for her. I was just looking for her to at least validate my feelings and existence in the end.

 

I wish my personality had been strong and I could have walked away from a relationship that didn't have a future, just like she did. I wish I could have just told her that she didn't mean as much to me and then just ignore her like she did to me. But I never expected her to act this way and I will not be able to trust someone in the same way. Next time I feel that a relationship doesn't work out I will have to put up a huge wall. The breakup really exposed my weakness and her coldness and I am sure she is not the only person who would treat me this way.

 

I never looked at a break up like it was a game or battle. I wanted us to break up together becasue we didn't work out. I wanted us to be open with each other and support each other. We both knew it was coming and she was more emotionally prepared than I was. Partially due to her having experienced this more often and her knowing I would make that decision after how she treated me.

 

I know a lot of the pain is related to my ego. But I also know that she pretty much cut me out on purpose to make this harder for me. That is very much in line with her character. If she had taken the time to speak to me at least one time after things calmed down I would be totally over her now. But that's not what she wanted and that's why she did it in this way so she could reject me. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone.

[Veronica73]

I really think talking to a good therapist could help you with this (and with other things. And finding a good therapist isn’t easy.) I don’t think you are messed up or anything. I’m not an expert or anything... but I had some seriously negligent/abusive parenting and I think it left a bit of a hole inside of me that I have tried to fill in romantic relationships. That has made me feel like I am on this wavy sea that I have no control over. I’m totally projecting... and maybe it doesn’t apply and if it doesn’t I apologize and please just ignore. But I feel with proper parenting... you feel more stable. Like you have a foundation and roots. But with absent or abusive parenting it’s like you are your own little pod weathering the oceans and storms all by yourself. You don’t have a solid foundation. All you can rely on is yourself. And then you meet someone who you think might fill that hole in yourself... but they can’t do that (even if they were wonderful people but they probably weren’t). You have to grow that stable tree with roots and foundation for yourself, which sucks because if your parents did the job they should have done with you, it would already be there and you wouldn’t have to figure out how to grow it yourself. Sorry if this is presumptuous. I’m totally projecting and if none of this applies- please ignore. I do mean well.

 

But she’s not the answer. Let her go.

[HiCrunchy]

Break ups aren't a game. They aren't about winning and losing. You have to get over this mentality, its not healthy.