A question for those a little older....

[FMW]

I’m in my early 50s, divorced in the past few years after a 23 year marriage. The only relationship I’ve had post-divorce was with a man separated from his wife and they have decided to stay together so I’m moving forward (I’ve posted a lot about that relationship on another thread in another forum). Although I’m not sure I’m ready at this moment I hope to have a healthy fulfilling relationship with another man in the not too distant future.

 

I’ve slowly over the past few months developed a friendship with a man my age who was married 12 years and has been divorced for about 15. He’s a very successful and accomplished person in his career and a very talented musician in his limited free time which is how we met. I have many friends in the local music scene and am frequently out supporting and enjoying their talents.

 

This man is not a “player” like so many other musicians I know, including my friends, but is rather quiet and unassuming. He spends most of his breaks during gigs talking with me. He has always immediately accepted my invitations to go for drinks after a gig, whether just one on one or with a group, and has accepted my invitation to go to the symphony with me in a few weeks. This outing will be my treat, I purposely did not want him to think I was interested in him for his income, which is probably 5x mine, even though I make a very good living.

 

He walked me home one night from a nearby gig (we live about 6 blocks from each other in a busy area of our city with lots of bars/restaurants/music clubs). When I thanked him and said goodnight I gave him a brief friendly peck on the lips which seemed to really take him by surprise, but hasn’t made anything awkward between us.

 

My reason for posting is to ask for opinions on the situation. We seem to really enjoy talking to each other, and have stated so to each other. I’m not sure I have any romantic/sexual interest in him, but I think I feel at least a little something along those lines. Maybe he shares that uncertain feeling, I just don’t know what to think.

 

As I said, he’s a very successful professional man that I would not expect to be indecisive in personal matters. The fact that he hasn’t made any moves to initiate anything leads me to naturally believe he’s not into me as more than just a friend. Maybe he always readily accepts any invitations I issue simply because he enjoys our budding friendship. But the reality, in my opinion, is that seldom are men and women just friends.

 

What do you think?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Hmmm, tough one. On the one hand it sounds like a great, healthy, mature beginning of what could be a great relationship . On the other hand, we're tainted by what we see here on LS, when people get freaked out when someone doesn't make a move right away!

 

As long as he stays receptive, keep on keeping on is what I say. Sounds like you're having fun. If you get too antsy, just ask him how he feels/what he thinks. Neither of you are getting any younger . (I'm 45 by the way)

[central]

You are indecisive about him, so perhaps he's waiting for you to give a sign that you WANT him to make a move. He may sense your wishy-washy attitude, and figure that you'd be friend material.

[thefooloftheyear]

I dunno....

 

Most guys that aren't complete noobs(and you wouldn't expect them to be at this age.) would have taken that kiss and run with it....That doesn't mean he'd be swinging you from the chandelier on day one,. but just to drop it and not follow up there? Not really typical..

 

But otherwise ill agree with the Cautious woman...Most guys don't really like to create female buddies, so if he's hanging around its probably a good sign...

 

TFY

[LivingWaterPlease]

To me it seems unusual for a man to spend that much time with a woman and not get physically affectionate with her. Guess your experience has been same or you wouldn't be posting! Seems to me he likes you. You may have considered the fact that he may not be heterosexual? Just a thought.

 

I've also known of several men who don't enjoy kissing, because they're bad at it. Who knows, could be he is?

[Happy Lemming]

First off... I really like the symphony as a date idea. I used to go to the symphony with one woman I dated and saw Yo Yo Ma... It was beyond GREAT!! So good job on the date idea!!

 

He may have been trying to be a gentleman, but now that the first kiss is out of the way and he's had some time to think about it, he'll have the option whether to pursue it further with you or not.

 

Go to the symphony, try to kiss him again and he'll either continue with the process or pull away. At that point I think you will have your answer.

 

For the record 52 year old, guy, here... and very happy to see 52 after all the crazy stuff I did in my youth. YEA for 50's!!

[preraph]

I think what happens next will tell you whether he's interested or not. I mean, if he is, he knows it's his turn to ask you out and also his turn to kiss you. If he does neither, he wasn't romantically interested. Musicians, even the rare nonplayer bird, sometimes get weary of women chasing them, but it sounds like you did it in a dignified manner. So don't change that. It's his move. You'll have to just wait and see.

[FMW]

Thanks for the responses! As with everything I guess only time will tell.

 

One of our group asked him recently why a guy she has been hanging out with hadn't kissed her and he told her she must not be sending the right signals. Not sure what signals I'm sending:confused:

[Happy Lemming]

Thanks for the responses! As with everything I guess only time will tell.

 

One of our group asked him recently why a guy she has been hanging out with hadn't kissed her and he told her she must not be sending the right signals. Not sure what signals I'm sending:confused:

 

How about after the symphony, you invite him in for some coffee. Once inside your place, maybe you could send him some more direct signals.

 

I remember one time, I was invited in for coffee. Shortly after she served the coffee, this woman excused herself & went to the bathroom. When she came out of the bathroom she was wearing sexy lingerie. Signal received...

[FMW]

LivingWater, I did briefly wonder about his sexual orientation (since he wasn't making the most of the attention of adoring female fans!), but I feel pretty sure he is heterosexual. He just seems to be more serious minded than the other musicians he plays with most of the time. Along with his advanced professional degree he has a music degree from Julliard. Basically I think he's kind of a nerd. I kind of like that.

 

Happy Lemming, that made me smile! Pretty sure I'm not ready to be that forward

[LivingWaterPlease]

LivingWater, I did briefly wonder about his sexual orientation (since he wasn't making the most of the attention of adoring female fans!), but I feel pretty sure he is heterosexual. He just seems to be more serious minded than the other musicians he plays with most of the time. Along with his advanced professional degree he has a music degree from Julliard. Basically I think he's kind of a nerd. I kind of like that.

 

Happy Lemming, that made me smile! Pretty sure I'm not ready to be that forward

 

Well, he probably is then, since you sense it. Hmmm, maybe sit on the sofa with him and start having a bit of fun with him teasing around (I don't mean teasing as in sexual teasing, more just having fun). You're gonna have to get him to lighten up and gonna need to tap into his feelings...Make lots of eye contact, get close, back off, giggle, flirt...you know what to do, enjoy him...if he's serious he may appreciate this approach...opposites attract, and all that...if he's not serious he may appreciate it, too!...

 

I think if you get him involved this way he'll kiss you...

[Popsicle]

Invite him over to your place, then ask “Do you want to make out?”

 

Just know that with a guy like that, you might always be the one initiating things in the future.

[Maggie4]

I had been in a similar situation. My advice to you is this: you need to be sure you really want him romantically. We are not kids anymore. We need to be self aware and not induce a man to make advances just because he hasn't and we think he should.

You are undecided about him. So do not flirt until you know what you want. Don't do it just to see if he wants you. When you do decide you want him, and not just because he has been hard to figure out, things will solidify. When that happens, surprise: somehow the man knows.

[d0nnivain]

I think one of two things:

 

1. He doesn't get it. Some men are clueless. My husband never realizes when women are hitting on him, including way back when I did it.

 

2. He enjoys the ego boost but isn't interested.

 

You may have to be bold. If you can't bring yourself to ask him out, you need to make it abundantly clear that you are interested.

 

I've shared this story before. I was at a singles event. Met a man who happened to be in the market for the professional services I provide. We talked about business for a while but I thought I was being very unprofessional & flirting my tail off. When we were parting I gave him my card & told him I'd be happy to help him but I'd be happier if he called for personal rather than professional reasons. On our date he confessed that he would never have called if I hadn't said that because he thought I was "out of his league." (I hate that phrase but that is another discussion."

 

My point remains the same -- even though you gave him a kiss he may have needed to be proverbially hit on the head with a 2x4.

[nospam99]

This man is not a “player” like so many other musicians I know, including my friends, but is rather quiet and unassuming. He spends most of his breaks during gigs talking with me. He has always immediately accepted my invitations to go for drinks after a gig, whether just one on one or with a group, and has accepted my invitation to go to the symphony with me in a few weeks. This outing will be my treat, I purposely did not want him to think I was interested in him for his income, which is probably 5x mine, even though I make a very good living.

 

He walked me home one night from a nearby gig (we live about 6 blocks from each other in a busy area of our city with lots of bars/restaurants/music clubs). When I thanked him and said goodnight I gave him a brief friendly peck on the lips which seemed to really take him by surprise, but hasn’t made anything awkward between us.

 

My reason for posting is to ask for opinions on the situation. We seem to really enjoy talking to each other, and have stated so to each other. I’m not sure I have any romantic/sexual interest in him, but I think I feel at least a little something along those lines. Maybe he shares that uncertain feeling, I just don’t know what to think.

 

As I said, he’s a very successful professional man that I would not expect to be indecisive in personal matters. The fact that he hasn’t made any moves to initiate anything leads me to naturally believe he’s not into me as more than just a friend. Maybe he always readily accepts any invitations I issue simply because he enjoys our budding friendship. But the reality, in my opinion, is that seldom are men and women just friends.

 

What do you think?

 

Some guys (and gals) are shy and uncertain. They may have been hurt and that is contributing to the shyness and uncertainty. If I may use myself as a sample of 'a little older' man, it has taken me a lifetime to reach an attitude of confidence and a certain degree of indifference. Not that I am indifferent to a woman I am seeing, but that I am indifferent to the outcome because I am confident that there are many 'someone elses' and that I can also live out my days 'alone' albeit with less happiness than if I become fortunate enough to find a 'soulmate'.

 

My example slightly aside, your gentlemen-friend may be uncertain, too. YOU yourself write that you are uncertain about your own romantic/sexual interest in him. You describe him as a pretty great guy, a laid back fellow who has, obviously to me, shown interest in you. He may very well be perceptive enough to see that you are not ready to 'commit'. Again projecting myself into the situation, feeling that 'the woman' is not committing would influence me to hold back, too. I think the first thing YOU need to do is decide how much interest you have in building a relationship with this man. And I think that if you decide to go all in and start acting that way, you vastly increase the chance that he sees that and changes his own behavior in response. LOL - but as Finch says in V for Vendetta, 'It's just a feeling'. Good luck

[BluesPower]

This one is kind of odd... For several reasons.

 

There are literally, hundreds of reasons that he did not make a move, unfortunately, some of them are not good.

 

I will address a few of them, but this is just a few.

 

And for the record, the fact that he is not banging groupies does not really tell you anything. That aspect of being a musician kind of gets old after a few years. It is not challenging at one level, and you meet a lot of crazy women that way. Also, while the sex can be frequent and sometimes really good, at some point it gets old.

 

So that one does not tell you much.

 

Him being successful also does not tell you very much. Many men can be a power house in their jobs and financially very successful and away from work they can really be inept beta's, especially with women.

 

So that one does not tell you much.

 

So those two issues don't allude to anything that you can sink your teeth into. At this point you don't know whether he is gay, asexual, or just kind of a shy guy.

 

The one that bothers me is the kiss. That was an opening that was obvious and that one leads me to believe that he may be VERY inexperienced, very clueless with women, and possible very insecure, which really means bad, sexually.

 

This is the one that bothers me the most. I find that women that have divorced after a bad, sexless, or abusive, or any variant really, marriage, really need a man that is 1) an confident man in every facet of life, 2) a man that understands relationships and women, 3) and frankly a man that is good in the sack.

 

My concern is that this guy may not be any of those things, and that would spell doom for any woman that wants a fulfilling relationship.

 

It does not mean that there are not other explanations for his behavior, but that above is a common explanation.

 

I think if you are really interested in this guy, you could have a talk with him and see where he is at.

 

But please don't settle for someone that does not obviously meet your needs in every aspect.

 

I think after divorce, we at least know what we don't want. But sometimes it takes a while, and sometimes several relationships to figure out what we actually need and want for the rest of our lives...

[FMW]

Lots of great responses, thanks!

 

I definitely don't want to lead him on and find out I'm really not into him, I've thought of that before.

 

I've also thought about the passive angle and how if I have to always make the moves I would definitely not be happy with that and would eventually be really turned off by that anyway.

 

And it also occurred to me that he may not even be great at kissing, much less sex!

 

So thanks everyone for your input. I'll just enjoy the friendship and if he decides to make any moves I'll see where we go from there!

[LivingWaterPlease]

Lots of great responses, thanks!

 

I definitely don't want to lead him on and find out I'm really not into him, I've thought of that before.

 

I've also thought about the passive angle and how if I have to always make the moves I would definitely not be happy with that and would eventually be really turned off by that anyway.

 

And it also occurred to me that he may not even be great at kissing, much less sex!

 

So thanks everyone for your input. I'll just enjoy the friendship and if he decides to make any moves I'll see where we go from there!

 

I missed the part about you not being certain whether or not you were into him. I think I assumed that because you were spending a lot of time with him (maybe am off base on this one, too, but thought you'd been asking him out and talking with him a lot) you were really into him and wondering why he wasn't getting physical with you.

 

Definitely hold off on the physical if you don't know whether you even want it to go that way or not.

[FMW]

I agree LivingWater, I'm not going to push things. I love talking to him, he's got a quick and fascinating mind. I have a great appreciation for his music. But I'm not sure about the physical aspect.

 

Because I don't easily get interested, unlike my friends who seem to be attracted to some new man every week, it just makes a bigger impact on me when someone catches my attention I guess.

[road]

Lots of great responses, thanks!

 

I definitely don't want to lead him on and find out I'm really not into him, I've thought of that before.

 

I've also thought about the passive angle and how if I have to always make the moves I would definitely not be happy with that and would eventually be really turned off by that anyway.

 

And it also occurred to me that he may not even be great at kissing, much less sex!

 

So thanks everyone for your input. I'll just enjoy the friendship and if he decides to make any moves I'll see where we go from there!

 

 

No woman should kiss a man that she is not into.

 

Cause what do you do when he asks you out on a date and wants to get physical?

 

No, I do not think of you that way.

 

Many women assume high income power career he has to be a

social wonder and a gift to all women in bed.

 

I like to talk. If I was a widow I would not want to date or marry again.

Though in a social setting I would sit and talk the ears off of a woman

if she was pleasant company.

 

Now this man may have many reasons not wanting to date. Or why

he is passive with women.

 

Something not mentioned is HE can have ED.

 

Enjoy you night out at the concert. On the way home in the

car/cab/subway/sidewalk lean in close, make physical contact,

 

or get him to stop for coffee and tell him that you would like him

to come to spend some quality time wink, wink, with him.

 

You will find out where you stand.

[FMW]

Thanks Road, good points for me to think about.

 

The one time I gave him the short peck on the lips bye was from my genuine interest in doing so. It's not that I don't feel any physical attraction to him, I'm just not sure how strong it is. But that's what hanging out/dating is for, to figure that out.

 

I'm definitely interested in continuing getting to know him better, so I'll just settle down and see what happens

[seren]

Maybe you are over thinking things, maybe he is happy to be a friend and it simply isn't true that men and women cannot be 'just' friends, some of my very best friends are men. Your kiss probably took him by surprise, if one of my male friends tried to kiss me we would have the, we are just friends conversation and I would make sure we weren't in a situation that enabled that, it might spoil our friendship, it would certainly change it, my husband would make sure of that.

[Miss Clavel]

Lots of great responses, thanks!

 

I definitely don't want to lead him on and find out I'm really not into him, I've thought of that before.

 

I've also thought about the passive angle and how if I have to always make the moves I would definitely not be happy with that and would eventually be really turned off by that anyway.

 

And it also occurred to me that he may not even be great at kissing, much less sex!

 

So thanks everyone for your input. I'll just enjoy the friendship and if he decides to make any moves I'll see where we go from there!

 

either way, polite society and good manners dictate that, well, to put it simply, the ball's in his court. it's his turn to "return your hospitality". he owes you.

 

give him a chance to repay your kindness. maybe drop a hint about another event you both might like.

 

then, wait.

 

maybe he likes you and his freedom and privacy.

 

maybe, like a lot of grown ups, you included, he's cautious.

[Chilli]

He could be sussing you out as much as you are him before he goes jumping in.

Lotta guys will not get involved in any way until you just spend some time together first and he decides whether or not it's gonna be the right thing for him.

 

Many are smart enough to know that it all just gets too complicated too quickly if they go jumping in and when it doesn't work out or gets messy your goin through all the crap for nothin in the end soooo, get a good idea of just what's there first.

 

Might surprise women but many guys would rather just not let anything even start in the first place if it's only gonna turn to shyt later.

[FMW]

:confused:So symphony "date" is three hours away.

 

We talked during his band breaks on Sunday, as usual, and at one point it was a little crowded and he had his hand on the back of my stool and was leaned in close to me and I did feel attracted to him in more than just a friendly way. So I don't think I'm leading him on.

 

He brought up the logistics of getting to the symphony, I said I could come by and get him or he could pick me up. He quickly said he would pick me up and a kind of joking "isn't the man supposed to drive" comment. I thought (but did not say) at the time yes, but so far the man hasn't been driving! I told him I would leave the timing and what we did before/after up to him when he brought up going out to eat. Handing him back his man card, so to speak, letting him "drive".

 

So nothing since Sunday. I finally gave in and texted him a few minutes before 4pm this afternoon and asked what time he planned to pick me up, and he responded almost immediately (he's glued to his phone for work) asking if 7 or 7:10 would be ok.

 

So I'm thinking he's just really not that into me if he wasn't inspired to be any more pro active than that! I don't expect (or want) him to be blowing my phone up but I shouldn't have to be seeking out something as basic as when he's picking me up. I know he's a really busy guy, but a text takes less than 10 seconds.

 

Maybe he just assumed since we were "set" he would just check in with me closer to time, maybe he's clueless about how women like to have more communication. But come on.

 

Oh well. The symphony should be great and we always seem to enjoy each others' company, so should be a nice night.

 

If it's not too humiliating I'll update later:)