A question for those a little older....

[alphamale]

What do you think?

 

have you invited him back to your crib?

[Springsummer]

posted in the wrong thread.

[FMW]

Well that was a bust. He drove me straight home after the symphony claiming too much work going on. Yes, he is a busy guy right in the middle of some big things going on related to his work, but I'm still reading it as just not that into me. A call came in when he was driving me home (his phone is linked to his car) and a woman's name popped up on the screen. Could be he has other interests! He sent the call to voice mail.

 

I exited the car quickly when he dropped me off (my building has an outer locked door so no reason to walk me to the door if he wasn't coming in, he waited until I was inside before driving off) and said I'd probably see him playing later this weekend. Didn't provide any awkward opportunities for a kiss goodbye. I couldn't get out of the car fast enough.

 

No more trying on my part. And I guess I'll keep that in mind in the future. If I have to do the reaching out with any guy then it's just a no go. I'll chalk this one up to experience!

[Happy Lemming]

I'm sorry it didn't work out...

 

Did you, at least, have fun at the Symphony??

 

Personally, I'm jealous... I like going to the symphony.

 

Many years ago, I dated a woman who had season tickets to the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra, when I lived on the East Coast. I loved putting on my best suit and going to the concerts there. Very pleasant memories. Thank you for reminding me of that time.

[FMW]

Happy Lemming - I actually didn't enjoy the symphony that much - I was feeling kind of off for some reason after we got there and felt myself checking out. Could be he felt that too (that I was checked out) and that was why he ended the evening early. That and the call from the woman

 

Great performance by the orchestra but it just wasn't reaching me for some reason.

 

I'm thinking maybe I was pushing myself too hard, I really wanted to be interested in him to prove I'd moved on from the last relationship. For some reason he's made himself available to me when I've suggested we get together, but he probably was sensing something wasn't quite right. We apparently have some kind of mutual attraction it's just not going anywhere.

 

I'm hoping we will at least remain friends. He's playing tomorrow night and then the regular Sunday gig. I told him I might see him at both. Ball's in his court for any future moves though. Sadly there probably will be none.

[Cersei]

Sorry it ended this way. But at least not too much time was invested in him.

 

Did he ever actually say he was single?

[FMW]

I know he's not married, not sure about girlfriend(s). I really don't think he has a girlfriend he would have any commitment to.

 

He's a prominent person in the professional community so I don't think he could hide that. We ran into one of his colleagues at the symphony and he immediately introduced us and seemed to be completely at ease.

 

I think he's just not quite interested enough and I'm not giving him any reason to be by not feeling or acting "all-in" myself.

 

Thanks to everyone for your comments!

[road]

Happy Lemming - I actually didn't enjoy the symphony that much - I was feeling kind of off for some reason after we got there and felt myself checking out. Could be he felt that too (that I was checked out) and that was why he ended the evening early. That and the call from the woman

 

Great performance by the orchestra but it just wasn't reaching me for some reason.

 

I'm thinking maybe I was pushing myself too hard, I really wanted to be interested in him to prove I'd moved on from the last relationship. For some reason he's made himself available to me when I've suggested we get together, but he probably was sensing something wasn't quite right. We apparently have some kind of mutual attraction it's just not going anywhere.

 

I'm hoping we will at least remain friends. He's playing tomorrow night and then the regular Sunday gig. I told him I might see him at both. Ball's in his court for any future moves though. Sadly there probably will be none.

 

making yourself too available, too easy, and he is a time waster.

he used you as a time filler.

 

Another reason men and women do not need opposite sex friends.

Hanging is for same sex friends.

Going out is for the opposite sex that you want to have a romantic

relationship with.

 

One wants a relationship with someone then ask them out on a

date. You will know were you stand. Stop diddling around and ask

him/her do you want to hang. We waste enough time by accident

to not waste time on purpose.

[road]

I know he's not married, not sure about girlfriend(s). I really don't think he has a girlfriend he would have any commitment to.

 

He's a prominent person in the professional community so I don't think he could hide that. We ran into one of his colleagues at the symphony and he immediately introduced us and seemed to be completely at ease.

 

I think he's just not quite interested enough and I'm not giving him any reason to be by not feeling or acting "all-in" myself.

 

Thanks to everyone for your comments!

 

He can be asexual, ED, Homo, and will appear to be on dates with

women to hide that he is a 'mo (not all mo's walk around light in

their loafers, Hollywood stereotypical mo's.).

 

Any and all of the above and being single and not wanting marriage

he hangs with people because it is better than sitting home

watching TV at night.

[Whodatdog]

Its fine to make the first move, or even the second and third, but then there has to be some reciprocation, if for nothing else than to validate a mutual attraction and interest. Seems you didnt have any of that here.

 

Best you found out now.

[FMW]

The comments are right on the mark!

 

I've learned my lesson, won't be trying to have "outings" with guy friends anymore and won't worry about whether or not there might be romantic interest unless it's very clear, meaning the guy is making the moves!

 

I feel fine about it all, although maybe a bit embarrassed. But then again for all he knows (since I wasn't physically making any moves other than that quick peck on the lips months ago) all I wanted was to be his buddy anyway, so I'll check my ego.

 

Going to hear him and other "buddies" play tonight, so I'm not going to give it a second thought. Back to the normal routine.

 

I'm still learning to navigate the single scene after so many years being married. Forgot how tricky it can be! I just turned 53, but I swear it's like being 16 all over again.

[FMW]

So I’m probably way over-thinking things as usual, but wanted to throw it out there to get thoughts.

 

So this guy I started the thread about and I have gotten closer slowly and I’m at a point where I feel very comfortable with him as a friend and enjoy hanging out. He’s still never asked me out but will text me sometimes after we’ve hung out during his breaks during gigs or at some other music related event. I’ve told a mutual woman friend of ours that I’m sure he’s not interested in any more than friendship with me and that I’m fine with that. Her response was “I think it’s too soon to say that”. Well if it’s “too soon” then this is the slowest trajectory toward romance that there has ever been!

 

We hung out a few nights ago at a mutual friend’s music gig and were talking about Jazz, one of his passions as a Trumpet player. He sent me a link by text and said he wanted me to check it out later. As a possible relevant (or not) note, I kissed him twice that night on the cheek, once hello and once goodbye, not something I usually do, was just feeling happy to have him there as a friend.

 

When I checked out the link the next day it was for a YouTube upload of Kurt Elling’s “My Foolish Heart”, a jazz standard. He added to the text “Kurt Elling always rewards careful listening”. The song includes a line about “her lips are much too close to mine” and for some reason I immediately wondered if he was trying to tell me something, I don't know why, it was just my first reaction. Too this point all the music we’ve discussed has been instrumental, it’s always about horns and occasionally keyboard. Never voice.

 

Maybe I’m being obtuse or just ignorant, I’m not sure what the “careful listening” text meant. I listened to the performance carefully, nothing unexpected or unusual about it. And this guy is very smart and fairly nerdy, so I may easily just be missing some musical point he was trying to make, but the fact that it was a vocal performance seemed odd to me.

 

Any thoughts? Or am I just bored and overthinking?

[carhill]

Given the age, if a guy was married 12 and divorced 15 and no girlfriend in sight even though he's generally considered a good catch and performs in public and interacts with potential mates all the time, that's pretty indicative of where he's at. Men who've been married tend to remarry pretty quickly, and definitely sooner than 15 years post-D.

 

I am older and divorced at 50 or so and that's my .02. Musical types of his bent tend to be creative and sensitive and sometimes introverted, even if they do perform in front of thousands.

 

From what you posted, your signals of interest are clear enough, to me anyway, and I'm a pretty reticent guy when it comes to that stuff. If the attraction is mutual, he'll act. If he doesn't/hasn't, I'd let it go and move on. He can be a good catch who isn't caught.

[FMW]

Good point, he's clearly happy with his life as it is.

 

I really am good just being friends, I'm enjoying that, and not sure I would ever feel more than the slight attraction I feel for him beyond just intellectual. But for some reason that particular text and shared link just struck me as odd.

[FMW]

So I've still been carrying on this friendship with the guy I started this post about, we see each other usually at least once a week through music related activities.

 

Last week he volunteered that he had been seeing a woman who lives a few hundred miles away FOR SIX YEARS. He said depending on their schedules they might see each other every week for a while and then only once a month. He said (without my asking) of their relationship "we have never said what we are". We were talking about a lot of different things and kept jumping from subject to subject and didn't really get too much more indepth about their relationship. He as always seemed really happy to be "hanging out" one on one with me and sorry to see it end. Against conventional wisdom it seems he does just enjoy my friendship, at least for now.

 

I intend to just keep enjoying the friendship, but I thought it was just odd and so if anyone has any thoughts I'd be interested. He's 54, she's 38 (and a mutual male friend told me she was "hot").

 

I've been divorced 2 years after a 23 year marriage and haven't really launched myself into dating yet. Seems like kind of a weird world out there for people over 50 and dating

[Mr. Lucky]

I intend to just keep enjoying the friendship, but I thought it was just odd and so if anyone has any thoughts I'd be interested. He's 54, she's 38 (and a mutual male friend told me she was "hot").

 

Certainly your choice but I'd prepare myself for one thing - at some point, he's going to make a move on you. And, knowing he's in this other relationship, you'll have to decide on how you'll react.

 

Makes me glad I'm happily married ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[FMW]

That's been the mystery all along, why he seems to want to hang out with me but NEVER makes a move. So I think I'm safe

 

I just find it odd that they've had this LD relationship for 6 years and haven't "said what they are". And he didn't mention her when we went to the symphony together or recently to a David Sanborn show. Or at any point along the way during our long talks. He said neither of them are "in a hurry to get married again". Well I have no plans to EVER marry again, but I do hope to have an exclusive committed relationship at some point.

 

I have an intellectual crush on him, he's a fascinating guy. Not sure what he sees in me, but it doesn't seem to be sexual.

[Noproblem]

I will give it time

 

Don't push it!

 

He seems to enjoy your company! Just meet more options and in time you will know if he is into you or not!

 

 

Edit: I just read about the other girl!

 

She is 38, not even 44 or 45!

 

I am sorry but he is into younger women!

 

I would move on if you want something other than friendship from him!

 

If you want to be his friend, then keep on this friendship, but don't waste your chance with other guys while you daydream of the day that this guy might make a move!

 

You should start dating others if you are ready to dating again.

Edited July 21, 2018 by Noproblem

[Mr. Lucky]

Well I have no plans to EVER marry again, but I do hope to have an exclusive committed relationship at some point.

 

I'm sure it's dawned on you that every day spent in this "friendship" is one less day to connect with the person you're really looking for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[FMW]

Thanks Mr. Lucky and Noproblem. He's certainly not holding me back from anyone else. I am just prone to over-analyzing things and right now there's just no one else on the horizon. I've actually paid this much attention to him to help me move past another very unhealthy relationship. So he's a distraction more than anything else.

 

I think we learn something from every connection we have, so I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to learn from him

[Striver]

I would move on, unless you want to be an Other Woman, pining away for this guy.

 

He hasn't made a move on you because he's a monogamist, and his sexual needs are being met with his girlfriend. He doesn't need you for that. He needs you for emotional intimacy. Either his girlfriend denies him that, or is simply too far away and the long-distance thing has been going on for long enough that he wants more. What you are getting from him is what he wants out of you, nothing more.

 

Even if him and girlfriend broke up, you may not be on the short list for his next girlfriend. No reason to keep this guy in an important part of your social life.

[FMW]

Just thought I'd update this thread.

 

So he asked me to go to a jazz club Wednesday night for a nationally known jazz-fusion group, he's picking me up and we're having dinner there.

 

First time he's actually initiated anything like that.

 

Our friendship has been developing quite well and I occasionally get the feeling he might have feelings for me as more than just a friend, as I do him, but I think we're both just unsure. So that probably means it won't go anywhere after all this time, but I have two different friends in long term relationships that they said started similar to ours.

 

It should be a nice night together regardless.

[SunnyWeather]

Just thought I'd update this thread.

 

So he asked me to go to a jazz club Wednesday night for a nationally known jazz-fusion group, he's picking me up and we're having dinner there.

 

First time he's actually initiated anything like that.

 

Our friendship has been developing quite well and I occasionally get the feeling he might have feelings for me as more than just a friend, as I do him, but I think we're both just unsure. So that probably means it won't go anywhere after all this time, but I have two different friends in long term relationships that they said started similar to ours.

 

It should be a nice night together regardless.

 

you are the classic woman-waiting-in-the-wings backup plan. he knows (and you know) what's going on. if you are ok with being the *next* in line when they finally do break up, then go for it. since you clearly are interested in him, and willing to be the back up plan, then continue to be the third wheel emotional support person who will nurse him when he needs a rebound.

 

however, if you are tired of this game, state your position (which isn't really clear...)- that you like him and would like to be more than just *friends*. if he balks, you have your answer and continue to pine over him like the 'other woman' or move on to finding a real relationship and not be an orbiter anymore.

[SunnyWeather]

I'm confused. Is this the same musician you were in an affair with?

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/648181-consequences-updated-9.html

 

no wonder you're confused. FMW, you seem to be ok with being the other woman, yet you also seem sad about your predicament. if you want to find a committed partner, you have to stop agreeing to being second (or third or fourth). these guys (or is it the same in the OP???) are smooth at what they do, and being musicians, have an endless supply of women willing to be hangers-on waiting and eager to accept any any minuscule crumb that blows their way.

 

you deserve so much more.

[FMW]

Two different men. I think I've been VERY clear that I understand my responsibility, my wrong doing, my sin, or whatever you want to call it, related to the guy who was married. He is most definitely a player and a smooth operator.

 

But this guy is not like that at all, if you read my first few posts I describe him.

This guy is not married. Although he "sees" one particular woman and has for a long time it is NOT a committed relationship. They are both free to "see" others.

 

I'm not waiting around for him in any way, shape or form. I DID wait around for the xMM, so I KNOW what that looks and feels like. As I said, I don't think either of us are sure how we feel anyway.

 

I think on this forum the fact that I was involved in an affair forever taints anything else I do or say. I'm working hard to move on from the affair and I have a full and busy life outside of that one experience.