Starting to forget

[Logo]

I’m starting to forget the feelings associated with being in a loving relationship. That tenderness. I miss that. I keep coming across women who are mean or rude or vulgar, but when I do meet a kind and lovely woman, I’m not physically attracted to her. I’m starting to think that I should settle for ‘good enough’. But it wouldn’t be fair and it could cause resentment on both sides.

 

It seems to be a recurring theme, that attraction is rarely mutual.

 

 

My ex was a good compromise between physical attraction and personality. But she started revealing her true self and it left me disappointed.

 

 

Once I experienced love, I wanted more of it. Some human emotions are so powerful that they can change us in so many ways, for the best. I miss that.

 

 

I want so bad to be with someone with whom I can share my thoughts and feelings and life and dreams, but it’s so darn hard to find a person like that.

 

 

The older we get, the smaller the pool of eligible women.

 

 

Most people pair off in their mid 20s. I feel I’ve missed the boat/ship for it has long since sailed.

 

 

Family and friends are a blessing, but a partner’s love and closeness and intimacy is different. It’s the kind of love that no other person can give.

[Realitysux]

You might be looking to hard for it. That's just my opinion and I am not trying to be aggressive in my approach for responding to posts. It's only my opinion.

 

 

The divorce rate is high so people that pair up in their mid twenty's don't always end up happily married and learn later on that they weren't compatible.

 

 

You probably will find "love" again. In my experience, when I found someone I wanted to be with, it just happened, or they appeared when I wasn't looking for it.

 

 

I get it's hard to do that when your lonely but you should muster up the strength. A lot of people are in therapy and I am one of those people to learn new techniques to cope with certain struggles, I struggle with the same thing. You can learn some great techniques to redirect your brain to focus on the things that support your life. I am not saying you need therapy.

 

 

Your approach on dating should be enjoying the process of getting to know somebody. I would say stop trying so hard to find love and give it some time to find you.

Edited February 17, 2018 by Realitysux

[d0nnivain]

This does not work for everybody but when I decided I wanted to settle down I set about finding a mate the way one would look for a job.

 

I figured out what I wanted. You can't be too picky or specific but know the general idea of what you want. For you I am reading you want someone kind & loving who you find physically attractive. That is a reasonable expectation.

 

Then I figured out what I had to offer -- subjectively & objectively.

 

Then I vowed to take action steps to widen my social circle. At least once per week I went to a singles event or somewhere that I could meet lots of people. I met my husband at business card exchange. I read lots of books on being single & finding a relationship. I tried OLD but hated it so jettisoned that avenue pretty quickly. I told friends & family I was open to being fixed up & went on a few blind dates. I went to MeetUps. I volunteered. I smiled & said hello to strangers. Basically I made the effort to put myself out there.

 

I did not come off as desperate. I wasn't looking for a date to save me from being alone. I was search for The One so I was pretty picky about the whole thing & maintained a sense of calm aloofness.

[SevenCity]

You might be looking to hard for it. That's just my opinion and I am not trying to be aggressive in my approach for responding to posts. It's only my opinion.

 

 

The divorce rate is high so people that pair up in their mid twenty's don't always end up happily married and learn later on that they weren't compatible.

 

 

You probably will find "love" again. In my experience, when I found someone I wanted to be with, it just happened, or they appeared when I wasn't looking for it.

 

 

I get it's hard to do that when your lonely but you should muster up the strength. A lot of people are in therapy and I am one of those people to learn new techniques to cope with certain struggles, I struggle with the same thing. You can learn some great techniques to redirect your brain to focus on the things that support your life. I am not saying you need therapy.

 

 

Your approach on dating should be enjoying the process of getting to know somebody. I would say stop trying so hard to find love and give it some time to find you.

 

This does not work for everybody but when I decided I wanted to settle down I set about finding a mate the way one would look for a job.

 

I figured out what I wanted. You can't be too picky or specific but know the general idea of what you want. For you I am reading you want someone kind & loving who you find physically attractive. That is a reasonable expectation.

 

Then I figured out what I had to offer -- subjectively & objectively.

 

Then I vowed to take action steps to widen my social circle. At least once per week I went to a singles event or somewhere that I could meet lots of people. I met my husband at business card exchange. I read lots of books on being single & finding a relationship. I tried OLD but hated it so jettisoned that avenue pretty quickly. I told friends & family I was open to being fixed up & went on a few blind dates. I went to MeetUps. I volunteered. I smiled & said hello to strangers. Basically I made the effort to put myself out there.

 

I did not come off as desperate. I wasn't looking for a date to save me from being alone. I was search for The One so I was pretty picky about the whole thing & maintained a sense of calm aloofness.

 

I beleive these posts are saying the exact same thing. As much as we don't think so, when you really want to find love you give off an unattractive desperate vibe.

 

It's something that you can't see and can't help. As of late I've really stopped caring about finding a relationship and have had more women show interest as a result. I too feel like my ship has sailed but the difference is Im getting more ok with it.

 

I was speaking to my therapist the other day and she said my apathy is a defense mechanism. Perhaps, but I've yet to feel as good since I was dumped by my ex. It's liberating to go out on a date with an attractive woman and not really care if I have sex with them or see them again.

 

This is the longest I've ever been single in my life and I'm starting to really enjoy it. Do what I want, when I want, and answer to no one.

[Sbla22]

This does not work for everybody but when I decided I wanted to settle down I set about finding a mate the way one would look for a job.

 

I figured out what I wanted. You can't be too picky or specific but know the general idea of what you want. For you I am reading you want someone kind & loving who you find physically attractive. That is a reasonable expectation.

 

Then I figured out what I had to offer -- subjectively & objectively.

 

Then I vowed to take action steps to widen my social circle. At least once per week I went to a singles event or somewhere that I could meet lots of people. I met my husband at business card exchange. I read lots of books on being single & finding a relationship. I tried OLD but hated it so jettisoned that avenue pretty quickly. I told friends & family I was open to being fixed up & went on a few blind dates. I went to MeetUps. I volunteered. I smiled & said hello to strangers. Basically I made the effort to put myself out there.

 

I did not come off as desperate. I wasn't looking for a date to save me from being alone. I was search for The One so I was pretty picky about the whole thing & maintained a sense of calm aloofness.

 

Good post! Can you recommend some of the books you read?

[Beachead]

I’m starting to forget the feelings associated with being in a loving relationship. That tenderness. I miss that. I keep coming across women who are mean or rude or vulgar, but when I do meet a kind and lovely woman, I’m not physically attracted to her. I’m starting to think that I should settle for ‘good enough’. But it wouldn’t be fair and it could cause resentment on both sides.

 

It seems to be a recurring theme, that attraction is rarely mutual.

 

 

My ex was a good compromise between physical attraction and personality. But she started revealing her true self and it left me disappointed.

 

 

Once I experienced love, I wanted more of it. Some human emotions are so powerful that they can change us in so many ways, for the best. I miss that.

 

 

I want so bad to be with someone with whom I can share my thoughts and feelings and life and dreams, but it’s so darn hard to find a person like that.

 

 

The older we get, the smaller the pool of eligible women.

 

 

Most people pair off in their mid 20s. I feel I’ve missed the boat/ship for it has long since sailed.

 

 

Family and friends are a blessing, but a partner’s love and closeness and intimacy is different. It’s the kind of love that no other person can give.

 

I know how you feel my friend.

 

Being 31, I've seen a majority of people I grew up with and have become close to pair off, get engaged, get married while my own relationships have not worked out. I've actually gotten so used to taking care of myself for so long that I don't know how to be in a relationship anymore. I don't know how to react to the love I receive when I am in one. I have trouble relinquishing control and trust to another person and allow them to share in my burdens simply because I feel my weaknesses will turn them off. I can adjust with time but nobody's really allowed me the time to adjust. I was left before I could settle into a proper relationship with the person. Used to bother me a lot. I used to blame myself a lot too. Did the whole self-reflection thing and learned a lot from all that too. But now, I just don't care anymore.

 

The one thing I felt was something I needed to take away from my experiences was I needed to become stable in my mind and lose my insecurities about myself. And the only way I know how to fix that is to stabilize my career and finances and sort of enjoy the fruits of my labour for awhile. Let my confidence grow from my self-accomplishments. And then travel and socialize with people to build experiences, social skills. Work out to build myself physically. Keep at things I am passionate about to give me something that lights me up. Basically learn to be self-fulfilled and happy independantly and alone. I've always noticed I've attracted a lot of people and had better social interactions when I am focused on myself. Not just from women..but people in general. There is something in us that shows from our body language and the way we carry ourselves when we are self-fulfilled and people pick up on that vibe. They are attracted to the positivity. So somehow, I feel like if I can keep on my own path, something will align there.

 

But I had to let go of finding miss right. In my head, I've prepared myself to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm open to a relationship but I don't search for it anymore. Meeting someone and having a successful relationship will then be a wonderful bonus.

 

Stay strong

Edited February 17, 2018 by Beachead

[Logo]

Thank you for 'listening'.

 

It's been a few weeks now since I have come to the conclusion that it's too consuming to put so much effort and emphasis on finding someone.

 

Instead I try to enjoy myself and simply be. Still, I keep my eyes peeled as it were in case I do cross paths with someone I might be interested in, and on occasion I try to make an effort if someone piques my interest.

 

Out of sheer curiosity, was the business card exchange tailored to singles or was it a general professional networking event?

 

Beachead, while I realize that women have other concerns than men when it comes to biological age, at 31, you're still young. Don't fret.

 

One thing I have been trying to avoid lately is to compare myself to others within my age group. It's not a healthy habit. It's funny how when I was younger I didn't bow to peer pressure, but then as the years went by with a blink of an eye my outlook started to change.

 

I need to start living in the present and enjoy the moment. But I'm not making much effort to get into the habit of doing that on a regular basis, as a coping mechanism.

 

Maybe focusing on my sense of accomplishment will give me the push I need.

 

 

One thing that has been bothering me is coping with my attraction to someone's personality and my lack of physical attraction to that person. I keeping telling myself if there were only a way to bring myself to feel physical attraction then all will be well, but past experience shows it doesn't work that way. It's not fair to ask someone to change. The entire premise of love lies in the simple fact that we are supposed to accept the other person the way he or she is.

Edited February 18, 2018 by Logo

[CrazyKatLady]

When did men become so effiminate? I think it is a man's job to impress the woman. Call me old fashioned.

Try doing that for once, then you may find a challenge suitable to your taste...and a partner along with it.

[Logo]

When did men become so effiminate? I think it is a man's job to impress the woman. Call me old fashioned.

Try doing that for once, then you may find a challenge suitable to your taste...and a partner along with it.

 

I don't find it a challenge to be a woman's sugar daddy or her court jester. It appears that you're projecting, if anything. Enjoy playing hard to get and being " an old fashioned 'lady' " Lipstick on a ........

 

And it sounds like you need more kats.

Edited February 18, 2018 by Logo

[Beachead]

Thank you for 'listening'.

 

It's been a few weeks now since I have come to the conclusion that it's too consuming to put so much effort and emphasis on finding someone.

 

Instead I try to enjoy myself and simply be. Still, I keep my eyes peeled as it were in case I do cross paths with someone I might be interested in, and on occasion I try to make an effort if someone piques my interest.

 

Out of sheer curiosity, was the business card exchange tailored to singles or was it a general professional networking event?

 

Beachead, while I realize that women have other concerns than men when it comes to biological age, at 31, you're still young. Don't fret.

 

One thing I have been trying to avoid lately is to compare myself to others within my age group. It's not a healthy habit. It's funny how when I was younger I didn't bow to peer pressure, but then as the years went by with a blink of an eye my outlook started to change.

 

I need to start living in the present and enjoy the moment. But I'm not making much effort to get into the habit of doing that on a regular basis, as a coping mechanism.

 

Maybe focusing on my sense of accomplishment will give me the push I need.

 

 

One thing that has been bothering me is coping with my attraction to someone's personality and my lack of physical attraction to that person. I keeping telling myself if there were only a way to bring myself to feel physical attraction then all will be well, but past experience shows it doesn't work that way. It's not fair to ask someone to change. The entire premise of love lies in the simple fact that we are supposed to accept the other person the way he or she is.

 

Do you have trouble coping because you compare these new people to your ex? You could try joining an activity that you feel like doing. Something that is group oriented. You'll end up meeting people who are more like you in that way. Can't go wrong with that because meeting more people leads to meeting more and more and so on so forth and perhaps out of all those people you meet, there may be someone who is more like you, who just happens to be a beautiful girl whom you may find attractive.

 

In regards to comparing yourself to others, I find social media makes it worse because all of over it, there are friends, family, and people in general updating their lives and showing their highlight reels. Over the years, a good 95% of them ended up in relationships, engaged, married, with a child, travelling, buying houses so on so forth. People filter their lives and get to create an illusion of everything being perfect. I have chosen to distance myself from it because of that and it's helped immensely.

Edited February 19, 2018 by Beachead

[Logo]

Do you have trouble coping because you compare these new people to your ex? You could try joining an activity that you feel like doing. Something that is group oriented. You'll end up meeting people who are more like you in that way. Can't go wrong with that because meeting more people leads to meeting more and more and so on so forth and perhaps out of all those people you meet, there may be someone who is more like you, who just happens to be a beautiful girl whom you may find attractive.

 

In regards to comparing yourself to others, I find social media makes it worse because all of over it, there are friends, family, and people in general updating their lives and showing their highlight reels. Over the years, a good 95% of them ended up in relationships, engaged, married, with a child, travelling, buying houses so on so forth. People filter their lives and get to create an illusion of everything being perfect. I have chosen to distance myself from it because of that and it's helped immensely.

 

Your point about social media is on the nose in terms of its effects on society, but I make the comparison based on what I see around me. I see younger co workers in their 20s getting married and they seem happy and content.

 

 

 

The coping part?

 

 

I think there’s so many stressors in daily life that being in a relationship to share your feelings with someone and find comfort in their companionship is what I miss. Meditation and other activities have their part, but I miss the touch, the scents, the warm embraces.

 

 

I mean, I’ll survive on my own, but there’s a certain way the heart feels when you’re with someone close to.

 

 

A couple of weeks ago I kissed a woman and it felt meh. I remember kissing my ex and feeling how I wanted to be one with her.

 

 

At first I felt angry when I found out she betrayed me. But after the breakup

I felt angry about fate, the bad luck, the way things turned out. I don’t know if it was a defense mechanism to preserve positive feelings toward her and place the blame on some vague “fate”.

 

 

Besides relationships, I have faced a lot of disappointments in the last few years, things beyond my control. So sometimes I wonder, why didn’t a **** relationship at least work?

Edited February 22, 2018 by Logo

[Beachead]

Your point about social media is on the nose in terms of its effects on society, but I make the comparison based on what I see around me. I see younger co workers in their 20s getting married and they seem happy and content.

 

 

 

The coping part?

 

 

I think there’s so many stressors in daily life that being in a relationship to share your feelings with someone and find comfort in their companionship is what I miss. Meditation and other activities have their part, but I miss the touch, the scents, the warm embraces.

 

 

I mean, I’ll survive on my own, but there’s a certain way the heart feels when you’re with someone close to.

 

 

A couple of weeks ago I kissed a woman and it felt meh. I remember kissing my ex and feeling how I wanted to be one with her.

 

 

At first I felt angry when I found out she betrayed me. But after the breakup

I felt angry about fate, the bad luck, the way things turned out. I don’t know if it was a defense mechanism to preserve positive feelings toward her and place the blame on some vague “fate”.

 

 

Besides relationships, I have faced a lot of disappointments in the last few years, things beyond my control. So sometimes I wonder, why didn’t a **** relationship at least work?

 

You're feeling everything I feel man. There is a reason why humans seek intimacy, companionship and romantic love. Even though people like to advise on how we should learn to be happy on our own, I often find the people who say this have spent more of their life in relationships or were currently in one for a long time. It's different, when you've been single for most your life having to fight for yourself. Sometimes, you just want someone else besides yourself to give a damn about you.

 

In regards to the couples in real life, we don't really know the state of their relationships behind closed doors. I do know a few who put on a good show for the public, but they have problems..bad ones. Infidelity, financial issues, family issues, physical abuse. They have to deal with his "Girl friends" and her "guy friends" and the threat of losing eachother. They have to deal with making sure things don't go stale after 2-3 years. Some couples who are married for so long are stuck with problems like these and they are forced into a choice of leaving and accepting the fact that half their life was spent on something that didn't work out.

 

Anyway, just a perspective.