Are these breadcrumbs?

[TeddyPSmith]

I’m going to use this forum as my place to journal over the next however long it takes to get over this. Feel free to add any advice or comfort. I can take criticism...please be gentle.

 

I’ve posted in these forums before, about the same girl, at different points in our relationship. A little history: I got divorced 3 years ago. I’ve got a 5 yo daughter with shared, equal custody. The marriage ended with the ex wife having an affair (theyre now married with 2 kids). I met a girl online 2 years ago. It was a rocky start, possibly bc of my massive insecurities and possibly bc she’s a bit cryptic. Anyway, we dated for a year and I broke up with her. Reasons were that I felt she was lazy, not the best mother, unappreciative, rude, etc. She did have some good qualities, however. She was beautiful, funny, an introvert like myself, smart, and I loved the sex. She was devastated from the breakup. After about a month of being apart I thought I made a huge mistake and begged for her back.

 

She took me back and we embarked on another year. Over that year, I started having all of these issues with life in general. I felt like she wasn’t very interested in my daughter. My daughter was jealous of her. She still didn’t discipline her son. Still unappreciative. But I still loved her and she still loved me. I also had a terrible time at work with people leaving my group, major projects over budget, excessive workload, and a couple of professional failures. My house also sustained some damage that will likely cost me tens of thousands of dollars to fix. I lost a lifelong friend due to an argument regarding the relationship. My sister essentially cut everyone out of her life. Life was simply becoming too much for me. And she wasn’t helping. She didn’t seem to have any compassion for my woes. We were on the rocks and I didn’t care if the relationship ended. Losing the relationship seemed like it would make my life a little easier....boy was I wrong.

 

So the relationship dissolved and we broke up about a month ago, somewhat mutually and amicably. She still continued to text me about random things over the last few weeks, sometimes questioning the decision.

 

I am now completely regretting this and had a total change of heart, wishing for us to work it out. I feel such intense abandonment and depression. It’s absolutely suffocating. Crushing. The same feelings most people describe on here. Like I can’t go on. Like nobody else will ever compare to her. Regretting every poor decision I ever made with her. Blaming myself for the whole thing. I won’t be able to love again. An so on.

 

I’ve pinned some of our issues on the fact that I stopped taking Lexapro earlier this year. It really helped me not sweat the small stuff. After stopping it, I constantly sweated the small stuff and convinced myself that we shouldn’t be together. I decided last night in a last ditch effort to change her mind that I should resume Lexapro. I practically begged her to come back with the explanation that no Lexapro = bad relationship. She said she has no interest in trying again.

 

So fellow sufferers, what’s next? I’ll just be diary-ing here until this goes away. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

[LonelyJedi]

Sorry you are going through this... seems like you are going though a really rough patch in your life.

 

I would agree with your ex that she has no interest in trying again, I have the same mentality about getting back together. It usually never happens, so it if didn't work the second time... why it would work the third time?

 

I would give her space and let her live her life. Besides, you were complaining about her earlier right? Not being appreciative, slightly rude, etc. Now that she is gone, you miss her a great deal. I COMPLETELY understand how you feel. I got dumped last week by a girl I really liked but had doubts/concerns about... now I can't stop thinking about her.

 

Writing a daily diary on here is therapeutic, it helped me get through a major and traumatic break-up. I also found solace in helping others on this forum and others. We're all here to support one another.

 

As one of my friends used to tell me, "If you can't help yourself, help others."

[TeddyPSmith]

This is not even the beginning of Day 2 and it’s not looking good.

 

She doesn’t care. She might care about me but I don’t think she’s devastated or anything. I woke up very early this morning after having a dream about her. In the dream we were still somewhat together but also not. She was spending the night with a friend while I worked. There was some type of party and I couldn’t get it out of my head that she was going to meet someone else or do something risky. I suppose that’s in the back of my mind in real life, as well.

 

This pain is so real. Why are we wired to even feel this way? Why can I only think of her as an angel now but when we were together I could only see the bad things about her? Maybe in time I’ll have a more realistic picture of this relationship but for now it seems that everything was my fault. I am a complete douche and was even somewhat proud of myself when we first started to dissolve. I thought “look at me. I’m strong enough to let this toxic relationship go right out the door without a care in the world.” Well look at me now.

 

My biggest fear is that she was really the most perfect person picked out for me and I mind-f@$ked myself out of it. I was enamored with her when we first met. She was the prettiest girl I’d ever been with.

 

I realize this probably sounds like the ramblings of a lunatic. Well, that’s about how I feel.

[TeddyPSmith]

Thanks Jedi. You’re correct. She doesn’t want to try again and she probably has good reason not to. It ended for a reason, I complained about her, and she’s in a better place with it than I am with it. I can’t even make any excuses. It just sucks. It’s opened up wounds from decades ago and caused me to question my role in all other relationships.

 

I’ll continue to post here and offer help and an open ear where I can. I’m grateful for this forum.

[LonelyJedi]

It ended for a reason, I complained about her, and she’s in a better place with it than I am with it. I can’t even make any excuses. It just sucks. It’s opened up wounds from decades ago and caused me to question my role in all other relationships.

 

I’ll continue to post here and offer help and an open ear where I can. I’m grateful for this forum.

 

Perhaps this is your time to properly process your old wounds and not allow them to drag down your next relationship. Believe me, I had to properly process my old break-up before I could move on to the next one.

 

The emotions of the past will haunt your future, unless you learn from them.

You are stronger than you think.

 

And feel free to comment on my latest thread! Even I am still a little heartbroken over it haha.

[rickwman]

Sounds like you need to find another girl that doesn't enable a toxic relationship. You need someone who respects you and your daughter, is honorable and respectful. Please be aware of any 'red flags' that you come across. I'll stand with you that thru patience and love for your daughter, you will come across a loving, great girl that you can share your life with.

[TeddyPSmith]

Most of yesterday was miserable. I knew that I’d be getting my daughter after work and having to keep it together in front of her seemed pretty tough. I was instantly happy to see her when I picked her up from school. What an uplifting little creature our kids can be! Once we got home she started to act kinda solemn. I did my usual projection of feelings and assumed she was sad about not seeing ex and her son again. She was asking why her mom and I didn’t stay married. She asked about my ex and her son.!She really liked her son. They played together a lot on weekends. We had a pre-packaged family and I f@&king ruined it. I had to explain again that we probably wouldn’t see them anymore or maybe for a long while. She understands something about relationships ending.

 

I sobbed in the back room several times while she played. Then for some reason my attitude just improved tremendously. We were eating and making a project for school that I was really into. Maybe that did it, I don’t know. But I all of a sudden I saw a brighter future. I didn’t care so much about my ex and thought of her faults instead of mine. I thought that there’s a whole world of dating opportunities out there. Things seemed hopeful. I really enjoyed that!

 

Waking up this morning is kind of the same old though. She’s the first thing on my mind. Can’t stop wondering if she’s seeing someone else. When’s it gonna happen? When is it ok for ME to hook up with someone? If I did that it would surely seal the deal on us (yes I know that’s a stupid way to think).

 

Oh well, gotta push onward through the day. I am however thankful that I can feel this pain. Years ago I learned to block out emotional pain and it’s been almost impossible for me to cry. I think it was really bad for me mentally and emotionally to not get it out. Maybe God has a hand in all of this.

[CantTakeMySmile]

When is it ok for ME to hook up with someone? There are no stead-fast rules here, but would you want to hook up with someone while in love with your ex?

 

 

How long since you have cut her out of your life? NC? block? etc?

[TeddyPSmith]

Good point. It only matters if I am hoping that we will get back together and that hooking up with someone would ruin that. I’ve got to get in my mind that it’s completely and unequivocally OVER. I just have to make sure that it is.

 

I’ve not done NC but it’s dwindling away to that

[CantTakeMySmile]

Good point. It only matters if I am hoping that we will get back together and that hooking up with someone would ruin that. I’ve got to get in my mind that it’s completely and unequivocally OVER. I just have to make sure that it is.

 

I’ve not done NC but it’s dwindling away to that

 

 

 

 

 

I, personally, would not date anyone until you are over her. I don't see the point in that.

[TeddyPSmith]

Yes I completely agree with not dating anyone until I’m over her. However meaningless copulation is what I was referring to. In a weird way it would feel like I was cheating on her

[CantTakeMySmile]

everyone is different. Meaningless sex when I am still in love with someone, hurts me way worse. But, you know you, and if you have had success with that being a motivator to move on, then go for it

[TeddyPSmith]

Everything was telling me to break up with her. Now all I want is her. What the heck is wrong with me

[TeddyPSmith]

Yesterday and this morning are particularly hard. The sharp spells of non stop sobbing seem to be replaced by desperation and a dull depression. I’m considering making one last effort, a long letter to her, to get her back. But when I think of her possibly coming back, it actually reminds me of the reasons we broke up. I’m conflicted. Doesn’t matter bc I’m sure she’s done. I think it would buy me peace to extend all efforts though.

 

I’m beginning to see that I’ve got some deep personal issues that need to be resolved either way. I’ve gone to several counselors over the years, not really clicking with many of them. The one I liked the best retired unfortunately. Time to start trying again.

[TeddyPSmith]

The loneliness is unreal. What is she up to? Just last week she was still texting me every couple says about innocuous BS. She was friendly. Then I demanded that we swap our things, I suppose for closure. It has deteriorated into zero contact now and I suppose I’ll never see or hear from her again. The finality of it all sometimes hits me like a ton of bricks and I just lose it. I’ve got to carry a hat, sunglasses, and visine everywhere I go. I think I’ve dropped 15 lb.

 

It’s ironic that I thought I wanted to be single and alone while we were still together. The relationship had slipped away to that point. God I wish I would’ve worked on our issues instead of being so stubborn. She was also stubborn but I could’ve done my part. Note to anyone that’s complacent and arrogant in your relationship...when they’re gone, they’re gone and being alone isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

[TeddyPSmith]

Yesterday was more tears. I actually left work early to go hang out with a friend. After talking with him I felt a bit better. He helped me realize that there are far worse things in this world than a breakup, even though it doesn’t feel like it. He also gave me some scoop about my ex. Mutual friends told him that the reason it wouldn’t work is bc I would never put my ex above my child. Also bc I was critical of her lazy lifestyle. These seem like obvious things to me. I felt much better last night. Even hopeful. But I woke up early in the morning and did a drive by of her house to see if she’d found anyone new. I know it was dumb.

 

No tears this morning but more a sense of aching depression and sadness. The tears were better bc I felt a little relief after. This just feels more permanent. I’m having flashbacks of the beginning of our relationship and it’s bringing all manners of pain. Maybe my brain is doing all it can to get me back to the addiction of “love”?

[TeddyPSmith]

Broke up about a month ago. Haven’t spoken in 2 weeks when she made it clear that there is no chance.

 

Recently she clicked “interested” on a Facebook event that I was going to. We are still friends on Facebook and I’m sure she knew I’d be going. It’s also something that I’ve gone to every time it’s been offered. She normally works that night so not sure how she’d attend unless she took off.

 

I also got a text from her thanking me for dropping off something that belonged to her. It was really a trivial item but she wanted it back so I did it soon to get it over with. Her text said “thank you. it wasn’t important that I get it back so soon”.

 

I didn’t go to the event and I didn’t respond to the text. I can’t tell if these are games, breadcrumbs, or maybe she’s so over it that she wants to be cordial and friendly. What do yous guys think?

[Young mind]

Assume cordial unless explicitly stated, there are no indications of breadcrumbs here, block your ex so you don't need to ponder on every single thing she does

[d0nnivain]

Anything short of "Let's talk about getting back together" is a breadcrumb.

 

If you can't bring yourself to disconnect on social media, at least unfollow her so her stuff doesn't come up in your feed. I recommend disconnecting. Why do you want to see what she's doing, see the happy pictures of her with a new guy ? Why would you continue to allow her to have that kind of intimate access into your life? When you break up, you need to break apart.

[TeddyPSmith]

If you can't bring yourself to disconnect on social media, at least unfollow her so her stuff doesn't come up in your feed. I recommend disconnecting. Why do you want to see what she's doing, see the happy pictures of her with a new guy ?

 

I just can’t. I know it’s not “by the book” but I’m not ready yet. I suppose I’m holding out hope. Maybe I know that if I remove her then it’s a done deal forever. I know it makes no sense. Seeing her with a new guy would be painful but also final.

Edited February 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[Lloyd4Christmas]

Hey man, just to let you know, you're not alone. It's been 14 days since the breakup without one word from her. Like you, I couldn't function, I would just lose it emotionally out of nowhere, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, lost about 5-10 lbs, and all I wanted was to be with her. I'd say the first 10 days or so I just replayed everything in my head over and over and it drove me into a deep depression.

 

Within the last couple of days I have started to sleep through the night, and eat an actual meal. These are small victories, but are steps on the way back to normalcy. I have also been searching for a therapist who can help with my exact issues. My days are still are struggle, but I am moving on to the acceptance stage now. Keep doing you. WE got this

[TeddyPSmith]

Man I needed to hear that. Thanks so much. I feel so alone. It’s the only thing I think or talk about. I feel that I’m desperate to get her back. Like everything was bc I didn’t do it right. But every now and then I get a glimmer of what she did that sometimes caused my actions. Small victories

[CantTakeMySmile]

To answer your questions, I do not think it was breadcrumbs. I think it was facebook. It take little to no effort or thought to click "like". Maybe she wants to go? who knows? and more importantly, why care. Again, it is just facebook.

 

 

As far as the thank you text, I think that was kindness.

 

 

You say you aren't ready to get off facebook because it would mean it was final? How so? If you are meant to be together, being friends on facebook will have nothing to do with.

 

 

Point is, it is hindering your process, deactivate until you heal.

[jm5423]

It’s ironic that I thought I wanted to be single and alone while we were still together. The relationship had slipped away to that point. God I wish I would’ve worked on our issues instead of being so stubborn. She was also stubborn but I could’ve done my part. Note to anyone that’s complacent and arrogant in your relationship...when they’re gone, they’re gone and being alone isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

 

Don't torture yourself over this, this is a very common feeling and we all feel like this sometimes. When my girlfriend and I were together I started feeling indifferent and started craving my single life again. After she broke up with me I felt so empty, depressed and lonely and just wanted everything I had before back, but unfortunately it was too late for me. I'm still trying to search for what I lost and once I find it I'm going to use this as a learning experience to remind myself that the alternative isn't always better.

[TeddyPSmith]

Today absolutely sucked. I feel that I’m getting worse. I sent a desperate text to her bc I couldn’t stand it. I don’t know that I’ll hear from her again. I think my stand-offishness (attempting to get closure by rushing the process) has pushed her away. Well actually it wouldn’t surprise me if she dated a few guys and then came checking back in on me.

 

I feel like nothing I do even makes any sense. I can tell people that she had bad qualities and out the other side of my mouth defend her. In my heart I knew we should break up but now I miss her terribly. Are these hormones? Some evolutionary trickery that’s getting the best of me? Did I make a horrible judgement call by passively ending the relationship?

 

Hopefully I can learn some lessons. I’m getting a bit old to do this again.