Are these breadcrumbs?

[breadbin]

Man I’m exactly the same way. Super driven and really punish myself for mistakes. It usually helps in my career but not so much with relationships. Sometimes I expect too much out of the person.

 

Good for you for getting back out there. That’s probably a great way to kick it.

 

I wouldn't have thought it was a good way to kick it. He's just gonna string a new girl along when he is still in love with his ex. It's not going to help him anyway just drag someone else into it. If you don't respect yourself then have a bit of respect for the girls you are seeing. At least tell them about the mess you are in and let them decide then if they want to stay.

 

At this point you need to give yourself time to heal. You have a daughter. You have all the help you will ever need right there. Do what's right by your daughter and you will be fine. Don't be comparing yourself to her new step daddy. Like a previous poster said you don't know what's going on behind closed doors. What you do want is a loving relationship for her mammy so she will be looked after while you aren't there.

 

There are no time lines unfortunately. I am introverted so my recovery probably took alot more time than most! Reading your thread had brought some of the pain back that I have dealt with. You just have to give it as much time as it needs. It's a work in progress for everybody. I always thought I was strong but the past 18 months has shown me the error of my ways. Time is a great healer. We all have regrets but the trick is not to swell on them. Get on with your new life and show your daughter that you love her. Give her reasons to love being with you. She will get you through it.

[Lloyd4Christmas]

I wouldn't have thought it was a good way to kick it. He's just gonna string a new girl along when he is still in love with his ex. It's not going to help him anyway just drag someone else into it. If you don't respect yourself then have a bit of respect for the girls you are seeing. At least tell them about the mess you are in and let them decide then if they want to stay.

 

Just to be clear, I am not stringing anyone along. I've tried the sit back and wait method in the past, and all that did for me was make me constantly overthink the breakup. That put me into a deep depression. I know what I want, and that is to find someone to spend my life with. That doesn't happen sitting in my bedroom listening to sad songs. That doesn't happen by me sitting on the couch reading a book. I have to get back out there, that is MY healing method. If there is something missing in my life, it is my job to take the necessary chances to make it happen.

 

This girl I am meeting today sounds great, and I am excited and hopeful. I think I deserve to feel excitement and nervousness (the good kind) again. I can't wait around forever.

[TeddyPSmith]

Breadbin - thanks for advice. I’m also pretty introverted and wonder if it will take me a very long time to get over this. I just can’t shake the feeling that she was perfect for me in a lot of ways and will be irreplaceable. But then again she wasn’t always very nice to me.

 

Lloyd - how’d your date go? I can see the value in moving on and not stagnating (like I’m doing!). I think I’ve got some grieving to do over my previous marriage and it’s being combined with this breakup so I’m giving myself time. Now I wouldn’t turn down a roll in the sheets but I just don’t have much in me to go looking for it. We all heal differently. Whatever gets us to happiness in the end!

[Lloyd4Christmas]

Breadbin - thanks for advice. I’m also pretty introverted and wonder if it will take me a very long time to get over this. I just can’t shake the feeling that she was perfect for me in a lot of ways and will be irreplaceable. But then again she wasn’t always very nice to me.

 

Lloyd - how’d your date go? I can see the value in moving on and not stagnating (like I’m doing!). I think I’ve got some grieving to do over my previous marriage and it’s being combined with this breakup so I’m giving myself time. Now I wouldn’t turn down a roll in the sheets but I just don’t have much in me to go looking for it. We all heal differently. Whatever gets us to happiness in the end!

 

The date went ok, she wants a second one and I agreed, but I am not really sure if I can see anything coming of this.

 

Overall this weekend was easily my best since the breakup. I kept busy, and didn't think about her too much. That is until now, where the realization that I will never see her again is getting more and more apparent. It doesn't make me breakdown and have an emotional outburst anymore. Instead it makes me feel more somber and defeated.

 

How was your weekend Teddy? Doing any better?

[TeddyPSmith]

That’s great man. I’m glad you’re doing better. Progress, no matter the size, is still progress. It sounds like you’re almost there.

 

I spent half my weekend in bed and miserable and the other half hanging out with friends, having a great time, and building a new life. It’s like extreme ups and downs but I think I’m moving in a direction.

 

Hey man thanks for checking in. It really means a lot.

[TeddyPSmith]

Just checking in. Been making some pretty profound connections in therapy and I’m really enjoying it. Today was the first day that I haven’t cried in a month. In fact, I’m starting to get angry with her for being able to leave like she did. She was cold. She was a b!tch throughout our relationship. I feel like I wasted 2 years of my life with her. I almost hate her. It’s a strange change of attitude where just yesterday I was still idealizing her.

 

One thing I realized is it was always ME that was expected to change in order to make the relationship better. She never once offered to change a bad habit for us. Same thing goes for all my relationships. Always me, never them. Screw that noise. I’ve obviously got work to do to change my attitude but I’m up for it.

[Lloyd4Christmas]

Just checking in. Been making some pretty profound connections in therapy and I’m really enjoying it. Today was the first day that I haven’t cried in a month. In fact, I’m starting to get angry with her for being able to leave like she did. She was cold. She was a b!tch throughout our relationship. I feel like I wasted 2 years of my life with her. I almost hate her. It’s a strange change of attitude where just yesterday I was still idealizing her.

 

One thing I realized is it was always ME that was expected to change in order to make the relationship better. She never once offered to change a bad habit for us. Same thing goes for all my relationships. Always me, never them. Screw that noise. I’ve obviously got work to do to change my attitude but I’m up for it.

 

 

Hey Teddy, sounds like you had a better day. Hope that has been continuing. I was fine the entire weekend and then Monday night hit me like a ton of bricks. I broke down and it was probably the worst I have been since the beginning of the breakup.

 

I had a therapy session today, and I was in the middle of sharing something when all of a sudden I heard familiar song lyrics. A song that my ex used to make me listen to and she would tell me "LISTEN TO THE LYRICS! they describe us perfectly"... It was our song. I stopped mid sentence and struggled to keep it together. Up until that point I hadn't even realized there was a radio playing in the background. It was so weird, quite the coincidence I would say.

 

Hope all is going well with you.

[TeddyPSmith]

Hey Teddy, sounds like you had a better day. Hope that has been continuing. I was fine the entire weekend and then Monday night hit me like a ton of bricks. I broke down and it was probably the worst I have been since the beginning of the breakup.

 

I had a therapy session today, and I was in the middle of sharing something when all of a sudden I heard familiar song lyrics. A song that my ex used to make me listen to and she would tell me "LISTEN TO THE LYRICS! they describe us perfectly"... It was our song. I stopped mid sentence and struggled to keep it together. Up until that point I hadn't even realized there was a radio playing in the background. It was so weird, quite the coincidence I would say.

 

Hope all is going well with you.

 

 

Damn man that's a weird coincidence. I think this stuff comes and goes in waves. It's like you can be fine and then it comes back with a vengeance. Im glad youre getting some stretches of good times though. You definitely need that.

 

 

I cant say ive had good days but ive had some good hours. Regardless of where I end up at the end of the day, the next morning I am always back to the same place. One of the biggest things is that im afraid I will never again have the sexual connection that I had with her. She was the only girl ive had sex with where it felt like love to me. Even though I had issues with her, I really did love her.

[breadbin]

Just checking in. Been making some pretty profound connections in therapy and I’m really enjoying it. Today was the first day that I haven’t cried in a month. In fact, I’m starting to get angry with her for being able to leave like she did. She was cold. She was a b!tch throughout our relationship. I feel like I wasted 2 years of my life with her. I almost hate her. It’s a strange change of attitude where just yesterday I was still idealizing her.

 

One thing I realized is it was always ME that was expected to change in order to make the relationship better. She never once offered to change a bad habit for us. Same thing goes for all my relationships. Always me, never them. Screw that noise. I’ve obviously got work to do to change my attitude but I’m up for it.

 

This is me and my ex too. She actually gave me a list of things to change about myself when she dumped me. A ****ing list! All the stuff she did that was bad for us never came in to it and believe me there was tons.

 

A question I always clung to after the break up that sort of helped was 'how can she love me when she wants to change almost everything about me?'

 

@lloyd4christmas - i didn't mean you were intentionally stringing the girl along but you sound like you are still in love with the last one. in my experience it's better to get that out of your system before you let some new love in. But then again, everyone is different.

[TeddyPSmith]

This is me and my ex too. She actually gave me a list of things to change about myself when she dumped me. A ****ing list! All the stuff she did that was bad for us never came in to it and believe me there was tons.

 

A question I always clung to after the break up that sort of helped was 'how can she love me when she wants to change almost everything about me?'

 

 

 

Breadbin - how did you get over her? Any tips? I'm at a month out and still feel like ****. I constantly ruminate about her. She's still using my Netflix and I cant bring myself to delete her bc its one of the only lines I still have to her. How pathetic.

[Lloyd4Christmas]

Breadbin - how did you get over her? Any tips? I'm at a month out and still feel like ****. I constantly ruminate about her. She's still using my Netflix and I cant bring myself to delete her bc its one of the only lines I still have to her. How pathetic.

 

 

LOL that's funny you said that. I just stopped recently using my ex's Hulu account. At the beginning it was a comfort cuz we could see what each other was watching. I noticed she would always re-watch what ever it was that I had just watched.... I am at the point now where I am too afraid to even open the app. It's amazing the little stupid things we hold on to though

 

@breadbin... Honestly I thought dating would be the best way through this for me. I went out with that girl on Sunday and it was ok. She wanted a 2nd date. A couple days ago I just laid everything out to her about what I am going through and said I would prefer something casual right now. She wasn't interested in that, but did tell me that she found me attractive and really liked me from the short time we go to know each other.. That was a small confidence boost, but I won't be seeing her again. I am taking a break from dating. I think secretly I was doing as a defensive mechanism just in case my ex started dating too.

[TeddyPSmith]

Just over 5 weeks in and still messed up pretty bad over it. I can’t shake this. I miss her and our pseudo family so God damn much. I feel so damn alone and hopeless. I can’t imagine replacing her. It seems that the shock is gone but this deep sadness has crept into my bones to stay. I can’t function at work. I can barely be a present parent. Had I known this pain was around the corner I’d have done anything to keep us together! What a lesson to learn. No end in sight

[Lloyd4Christmas]

Just over 5 weeks in and still messed up pretty bad over it. I can’t shake this. I miss her and our pseudo family so God damn much. I feel so damn alone and hopeless. I can’t imagine replacing her. It seems that the shock is gone but this deep sadness has crept into my bones to stay. I can’t function at work. I can barely be a present parent. Had I known this pain was around the corner I’d have done anything to keep us together! What a lesson to learn. No end in sight

 

Teddy, I am right there with you bud. I don't know why I thought I was getting better, I'm not. Maybe because I was living in a fantasy land for the first month. The last week or so has been torture. She is constantly on my mind, and I miss her so much. Just like you, her and I had a pseudo family, and it's gone. I can't remember ever being this depressed. I can't concentrate on anything else. Work, grad school, friends, pursuing other girls, none of it matters to me.

 

Reading your posts knowing we are both still going through it make it's the tiniest bit easier though. Wanted to private message you, but apparently I am not allowed to?

 

Keep me posted man, it helps.

[TeddyPSmith]

Man what the hell is up with that?! I thought we were both improving. I’m sorry you’re still in the **** as well. I’d have a hard time in grad school while dealing with this. The one thing that brings me some comfort is that people keep saying you have to go through it. Even if it ****ing sucks and seems endless, it will eventually end. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but I get glimpses every so often. Maybe one day the glimpses will be in the majority and the sadness will just be sporadic. Stay in touch man. I’ll try messaging you

[Lloyd4Christmas]

Man what the hell is up with that?! I thought we were both improving. I’m sorry you’re still in the **** as well. I’d have a hard time in grad school while dealing with this. The one thing that brings me some comfort is that people keep saying you have to go through it. Even if it ****ing sucks and seems endless, it will eventually end. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but I get glimpses every so often. Maybe one day the glimpses will be in the majority and the sadness will just be sporadic. Stay in touch man. I’ll try messaging you

 

Apparently you have to be an "established member " to use private messages. In the meantime I will continue to post in your thread

[TeddyPSmith]

Weird day yesterday. My ex liked one of my old neighbor's facebook posts yesterday. They only met one time and it wasn't any kind of special post. My neighbor and my sister are the only mutual friends we share. My sisters think she is playing some kind of game. I don't know. I could see that but I could also see her just not giving a flying f*ck about being broken up and liking a post just for the hell of it.

 

 

I was having a decent night last night. Went to a bar alone and started talking to a fairly unattractive girl but still enjoyed myself. Got home, did some work, went to bed, woke up at 2AM. Checked my ex's facebook page and saw she added a new friend. An attractive young coworker. I sobbed for hours. Harder than I have before. My blood is boiling. My head is racing. I cant work or do anything else. I wondered if they are seeing each other. I wonder if they HAD already been seeing each other. None of it even matters. I am just so f*cking sick of feeling this way. I am tortured by the fact that I am in my early 40s, divorced, and there aren't any decent women around. I can not for the life of me envision anyone measuring up to her or being as special as her. The sex/love making will not be as good. I am fearful that ill end up with someone just to fill a void. SH*T!!!!!

[Lloyd4Christmas]

Weird day yesterday. My ex liked one of my old neighbor's facebook posts yesterday. They only met one time and it wasn't any kind of special post. My neighbor and my sister are the only mutual friends we share. My sisters think she is playing some kind of game. I don't know. I could see that but I could also see her just not giving a flying f*ck about being broken up and liking a post just for the hell of it.

 

 

I was having a decent night last night. Went to a bar alone and started talking to a fairly unattractive girl but still enjoyed myself. Got home, did some work, went to bed, woke up at 2AM. Checked my ex's facebook page and saw she added a new friend. An attractive young coworker. I sobbed for hours. Harder than I have before. My blood is boiling. My head is racing. I cant work or do anything else. I wondered if they are seeing each other. I wonder if they HAD already been seeing each other. None of it even matters. I am just so f*cking sick of feeling this way. I am tortured by the fact that I am in my early 40s, divorced, and there aren't any decent women around. I can not for the life of me envision anyone measuring up to her or being as special as her. The sex/love making will not be as good. I am fearful that ill end up with someone just to fill a void. SH*T!!!!!

 

Good for you man, way to get out by yourself and have a good time. Who cares if the woman was not attractive, it must of felt good to at least interact with her.

 

I am lucky enough where I do not have Facebook, Snapchat, or Instagram so I don't have to worry about checking her social media, but damn do I get the urge just to google her a$$. As I previously mentioned the last couple weeks have been HELL, I've been missing her so much that I actually reached out to her on Tuesday night. No response of course, but since then I don't long for her, instead that is replaced with anger. I just keep reminding myself that "she doesn't give a crap about you, so why should you worry about her well being anymore." I am in that phase right now where I hope her life goes to complete s*** and she regrets screwing up "the best thing that's ever happened to her (her words)" ... LOL I can be so spiteful

 

Anyways today I found out I was getting a big promotion. Couple that with Michigan having a chance at the final four and my hockey team playing in the league championship this upcoming Wednesday and for the first team in 6 weeks I felt a little bit of joy. Also therapy is working wonders for me. She makes me feel good about myself in a time where I constantly beat myself up.

 

Hope your week finished well.

[ShyLove]

Weird day yesterday. My ex liked one of my old neighbor's facebook posts yesterday. They only met one time and it wasn't any kind of special post. My neighbor and my sister are the only mutual friends we share. My sisters think she is playing some kind of game. I don't know. I could see that but I could also see her just not giving a flying f*ck about being broken up and liking a post just for the hell of it.

 

 

I was having a decent night last night. Went to a bar alone and started talking to a fairly unattractive girl but still enjoyed myself. Got home, did some work, went to bed, woke up at 2AM. Checked my ex's facebook page and saw she added a new friend. An attractive young coworker. I sobbed for hours. Harder than I have before. My blood is boiling. My head is racing. I cant work or do anything else. I wondered if they are seeing each other. I wonder if they HAD already been seeing each other. None of it even matters. I am just so f*cking sick of feeling this way. I am tortured by the fact that I am in my early 40s, divorced, and there aren't any decent women around. I can not for the life of me envision anyone measuring up to her or being as special as her. The sex/love making will not be as good. I am fearful that ill end up with someone just to fill a void. SH*T!!!!!

 

Awww I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know its hard

 

However, I wouldn't sweat the facebook stuff. Most of the time it means nothing. I have my young. attractive coworkers on my facebook and sometimes we like each other's stiff and it means absolutely nothing.

 

I'm not sure how young he is or how old she is but if he's young (like in 20s) and good looking he's probably not interested in a woman in her 40s (if she is in her 40s). I know its hard to NOT look so you should either block her or delete your account for a few days to see if that helps some.

 

Take care

[TeddyPSmith]

Thank you for the kind words. I finally deleted her last night from Facebook. My last tie to her. I’m at 42 days since the breakup and I can’t say I’m any better. It feels like I’m in this for the long haul.

[TeddyPSmith]

I learned today that my ex was getting some strange advice from her best friend. I broke up with my ex no less than 4 times over 2 years. I felt that I had valid reasons every time. In fact, I was so concerned that I wrote in a journal for nearly the entire relationship and have bullet point after bullet point of justification. So it appears that her best friend told her that I’m a special type of guy that enjoys toying with girls by breaking up with them and getting back together bc I like the challenge. My blood boiled when I heard this. How could someone make such an accusation that had such a dramatic and life altering effect on me? My life is in shambles now. Our breakup made no sense to me. She admitted no fault in it but had this strange resolve that until now made no sense to me. Her friend also told her that it was an issue that I didn’t put her as high as my daughter. Forget that she is a girlfriend. Forget the fact that when I raised the issue of her not being loving to my daughter she said “I’m not a very warm person. It could take years, if ever, to have that kind of relationship with her.” But I was supposed to put her as high as my own flesh and blood?

 

I am absolutely livid. I’m so sad. My ex told me that I wanted a “1950s woman”. It was such a strange thing to hear considering that I performed most of the traditional male and female roles while she simply took, took, took. It made no sense...until my buddy told me that her best friend is in charge of the women’s empowerment committee at work.

 

Her friend also told her I was emotionally abusive. I looked up the definition and God damn if it doesn’t explain my ex more than me! Am I over sensitive? Yes.

Do I enjoy being emasculated? No. But I do not try to control her by tweaking her emotions.

 

I am so torn. It’s been 42 days since she cut ties. But now I feel this overwhelming desire to write her a letter explaining to her the reasons I did things. Letting her know the pain I’m in. AGHHHHHHH

[Lloyd4Christmas]

I am so torn. It’s been 42 days since she cut ties. But now I feel this overwhelming desire to write her a letter explaining to her the reasons I did things. Letting her know the pain I’m in. AGHHHHHHH

 

I'm sure you'll get a million people here telling you it's a BAD idea to reach out. To me, I guess it would depend on what your expectations are from it. I mentioned in another post that I sent my ex a text last Tuesday night (first one in 6 weeks since the breakup). I wasn't expecting any reply and so when I didn't get one, it just re-affirmed for me that it's done right now. Since then I haven't had the urge to reach out or obsess over the what if's. I wouldn't say I am happier, but my focus has now shifted and the real letting go process has started.

 

Do what YOU need to for YOU. If you think writing her will help you going forward then maybe consider it. It's your life, your decisions

 

I like that I know that I at least gave it a try

[TeddyPSmith]

Man that’s what I needed to hear. We are just humans and not perfect. I feel like I’ve got to clear the air and my conscience. I’m going to do it. Glad you’re gettinf to the real healing.

[FMW]

Teddy, Lloyd is right. Do what you need to do for you. Just be prepared for the possibility that she won't respond to you so that it won't sink you even further into despair.

 

Some of the things you've written about your ex, what she's said and done, I find embarrassing as a woman myself. I'm not sure she will ever see things in such a way that you can truly be compatible and happy together. But I understand not being able to give up on someone, regardless of how "wrong" the situation appears to others.