Are these breadcrumbs?

[Lloyd4Christmas]

Day 12 - Up again at midnight. I started looking at pictures of her and had a breakdown. I kind of welcome the breakdowns because they eventually relieve emotional tension. It’s the dull, aching depressing states and the aching for her that I can’t stand. And those are the more frequent states. I did manage to get out to eat with friends Mon and Tues nights so that was good. I also spoke with one of my wiser friends about it and he gave me some good insight. My guess is that when “the fog of war” clears, I’ll have a much better picture of what happened. Right now I’m still in shock a bit.

 

As I read through our last text messages I find myself wondering why I wasn’t begging and pleading to get her back. It’s almost as if I guided us to this point. I did clearly ask if there was any chance (got rejected) and asked a second time to make some major changes (rejected again). Then told her a final time that I wanted nobody else (she reassured me that this feeling would pass). So I suppose that’s clearly why I didn’t beg and plead. It’s my biggest hope that she one day realizes what she lost or where she went wrong and comes back to me. As stubborn as she is, I can’t really see it happening. Man it would be redeeming to hear, though. I guess that’s that deal where nobody ever really gets closure from someone else. It has to come from within or something.

 

Man never beg and plead. Been there and done that years ago and it was embarrassing. There is a difference between fighting for what you want and being needy. As much as it sucks, you have to remember we can only control ourselves and not them. I would rather my ex look back on me with dignity and think "man, I let the wrong one go" then have her think I was a needy, pathetic loser.

 

It is experience and thinking like this that keeps me to not contacting her. My dignity is all I have left, she doesn't get to know the pain she is constantly causing me.

 

Have a good day man.

[NopeNah]

Day 12 - Up again at midnight. I started looking at pictures of her and had a breakdown. I kind of welcome the breakdowns because they eventually relieve emotional tension. It’s the dull, aching depressing states and the aching for her that I can’t stand. And those are the more frequent states. I did manage to get out to eat with friends Mon and Tues nights so that was good. I also spoke with one of my wiser friends about it and he gave me some good insight. My guess is that when “the fog of war” clears, I’ll have a much better picture of what happened. Right now I’m still in shock a bit.

 

As I read through our last text messages I find myself wondering why I wasn’t begging and pleading to get her back. It’s almost as if I guided us to this point. I did clearly ask if there was any chance (got rejected) and asked a second time to make some major changes (rejected again). Then told her a final time that I wanted nobody else (she reassured me that this feeling would pass). So I suppose that’s clearly why I didn’t beg and plead. It’s my biggest hope that she one day realizes what she lost or where she went wrong and comes back to me. As stubborn as she is, I can’t really see it happening. Man it would be redeeming to hear, though. I guess that’s that deal where nobody ever really gets closure from someone else. It has to come from within or something.

Let me guess...You just can't delete the pictures 'in case we get back together.'...If you delete every text...you 'won't be able to look at her words anymore'.. Delete,delete,delete them from your life. No pics,no text,no 'call history',no social media(including their friends)..DELETE..reset and start over.

[TeddyPSmith]

i disagree with this. Looking at pictures helps me to mourn the loss of the relationship. Reading texts helps me to make sense of the last moments of our relationship that I couldn't see because I was in shock. This is part of the healing process. I don't see where deleting things and pretending they didn't happen actually helps. If anything it could repress emotions that would surely rear their ugly heads later down the road. Obviously there is a time limit on looking at pictures and reading texts but just blanket deleting everything seems like kneejerk advice. Ive intentionally repressed emotions in the past and it has caused me quite a lot of anxiety.

[Lloyd4Christmas]

i disagree with this. Looking at pictures helps me to mourn the loss of the relationship. Reading texts helps me to make sense of the last moments of our relationship that I couldn't see because I was in shock. This is part of the healing process. I don't see where deleting things and pretending they didn't happen actually helps. If anything it could repress emotions that would surely rear their ugly heads later down the road. Obviously there is a time limit on looking at pictures and reading texts but just blanket deleting everything seems like kneejerk advice. Ive intentionally repressed emotions in the past and it has caused me quite a lot of anxiety.

 

I think everyone is different. Some people just delete and never look back. I always keep the pictures and the text and the cards and anything else. I have a box with stuff from all my exes and every once in awhile I will go through it and it brings a smile to my face. My feelings may have faded, but that doesn't mean the memories do. If you don't want to delete the stuff then don't. Everyone heals their own way.

[TeddyPSmith]

Last night was kind of rough. Thinking about her constantly is making it difficult to be present with my daughter. It’s ironic that my biggest fear with my ex was that our relationship would interfere with my relationship with my daughter. It was part of my reason for breaking up with her. It’s interfering now more than ever. That will get better as I heal.

 

This morning woke up sad again but had some thoughts pop up. Inconsistencies in things she said near the end. As I thought through these things i started to get a little angry, as if she was dishonest. I really have to wonder if there was someone else or if she was looking for her exit. Hell, I’ll just list them.

 

1) 2 months ago said we needed to see a counselor. I agreed to but we never did. At the end she said we just ignored our problems hoping they’d go away. At the very end when I wanted her back she said that we tried everything there was to try.

 

2) last year I told her we couldn’t move forward until I saw some progress with my daughter. She said it could take years (to warm up to my very personable daughter). At the end she told me that she was “headed in that direction but I made it clear that’s not what I wanted. WTF!

 

3) about a month ago she kept saying we needed to swap our stuff. It almost seemed premature and out of anger. Then she didn’t want to swap our stuff but also said there was no chance for us. She said she was waiting until it would be less painful.

 

4) I asked her to go on a spur of the moment trip right before it ended. We couldn’t agree on the place or length of time (I wanted it to be a quick and uncomplicated decision). She said for me to just go with my daughter...so i did. She accused me of using the trip as part of a grand plan to break up with her but ultimately she broke up with me bc I went without her.

 

5) She accused me of being like a man from the 1950s. Yet I did all the cooking, cleaning, activity planning, etc. I never demanded anything from Then she told me it was like we had some type of role reversal.

 

Sorry just had to get it out of me. “For the record” kind of thing. I don’t know I’d she had someone else or if she was just planning her exit for some time. I’m sure she has her side of the story but this is how I see it.

[TeddyPSmith]

I guess another option is that she was feeling all of my doubts about our future and got fed up with it. She then started looking for enough motivation to leave.

[TeddyPSmith]

I finally got some sleep. I had lots of strange dreams last night that I actually remember for once. She wasn’t in any of fhen but when I woke up I was immediately reminder of her in a painful way.

 

I haven’t been crying as much. In fact some of the sadness has turned to anger. She ended over a damn vacation, that she was invited on! I was going through a really difficult time in my life (now much more difficult) and she offered me very little support. If the roles were reversed I would never act like that.

 

I sometimes pump myself up enough to say “get over her. Don’t look back” but I still miss her and check up on her Facebook. Time will change that

[CantTakeMySmile]

I sometimes pump myself up enough to say “get over her. Don’t look back” but I still miss her and check up on her Facebook. Time will change that

 

 

 

I am always curious about this when people write that they look at their ex facebook/social media. How does it make you feel to see their posts?

Edited February 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[TeddyPSmith]

She doesn’t post much. Actually nothing since we stopped talking. However I am familiar with FB stalking techniques and see that she’s posted on others’ walls. Even though the post was benign, i felt a surge of coldl, acidic anxiety surge through my stomach as I realized that she’s probably not wallowing in pain like me. I also realized that she would eventually date and be intimate with someone else. Those thoughts sent me looking for reasons to hate her...because hating is easier than feeling like you were loved but given up on

[CantTakeMySmile]

She doesn’t post much. Actually nothing since we stopped talking. However I am familiar with FB stalking techniques and see that she’s posted on others’ walls. Even though the post was benign, i felt a surge of coldl, acidic anxiety surge through my stomach as I realized that she’s probably not wallowing in pain like me. I also realized that she would eventually date and be intimate with someone else. Those thoughts sent me looking for reasons to hate her...because hating is easier than feeling like you were loved but given up on

 

 

 

Facebook stalking techniques? wow, who knew there was such a thing? lol

 

 

I guess people look to see if there ex has met someone or are having fun? I don't know. I just wondered how it felt to see a benign post. I don't think I would like it, but I am not sure why it would bother me. I mean, I know she is living her life, why wouldn't she? I don't know. I feel like it would bother me, but just don't know why.

[NopeNah]

She doesn’t post much. Actually nothing since we stopped talking. However I am familiar with FB stalking techniques and see that she’s posted on others’ walls. Even though the post was benign, i felt a surge of coldl, acidic anxiety surge through my stomach as I realized that she’s probably not wallowing in pain like me. I also realized that she would eventually date and be intimate with someone else. Those thoughts sent me looking for reasons to hate her...because hating is easier than feeling like you were loved but given up on

That's NOT a healthy way to move past this,man. You check into getting a therapist yet?

[TeddyPSmith]

Yes im aware that it’s unhealthy. Yes I’ve seen a therapist. He actually suggested that I take advantage of the grief that I’m experiencing right now and use it in my treatment. I’ve repressed a lot of grief over the years and it’s come out in the form of several neuroses. He also suggested that the pain I’m feeling now may not really be all about my ex. Im pretty intriguied so far.

[TeddyPSmith]

Another tough morning. I’m getting hit with all this crap at once. My ex wife is thriving. She’s got two more children from her affair partner, a dream house, my daughter adores that piece of $hit. He actually picks her up from school to take her to lunch. And here I am, reeling from this breakup, like a limb that’s had a tourniquet applied to it, slowly rotting and waiting to fall off.

 

At some point I’m going to stop wallowing in this mess. I’ve got to get off my a$$ and make my own future.

[Carla32]

What goes around comes around. Trust me. Do everything you can to forget this girl. The sooner you let go of all the pain and sadness, the sooner new happiness can come in. You can do this. Make some changes, try something new. Doesn’t have to be big things. Try reading. I recently picked up ‘the sun and her flowers’ and ‘milk and honey’. They’re both poetry type books that read like the journal of someone going through heart break. Look them up, they’re great. Take care!

[FMW]

Teddy, I've read your earlier posts and you had very good reasons for parting with your girlfriend. You weren't expecting too much, her behavior was a valid reason for concern. Those things aren't likely to change. You broke up with her multiple times - it's highly unlikely it will ever work. When you start feeling obsessed about her remember the feelings you had that made you break up with her each time.

 

As far as your ex wife, you only know what's on the surface that is presented to the public. Who knows what the reality of her life is. Don't think about it for a moment. Your daughter adoring the other guy speaks to what a loving happy little girl she is, not necessarily that much to do with him. Be proud you've helped create such a loving creature.

[Lloyd4Christmas]

Another tough morning. I’m getting hit with all this crap at once. My ex wife is thriving. She’s got two more children from her affair partner, a dream house, my daughter adores that piece of $hit. He actually picks her up from school to take her to lunch. And here I am, reeling from this breakup, like a limb that’s had a tourniquet applied to it, slowly rotting and waiting to fall off.

 

At some point I’m going to stop wallowing in this mess. I’ve got to get off my a$$ and make my own future.

 

Getting off your a$$ and moving forward. So much easier said than done though. I know everything I SHOULD be doing to move on, but sometimes knowing what to do is not the same as actually being able to do it. I know a lot of people on here just tell you to move on like it is a flip of a switch, but not all of us can do it that way. I am right there with you, today is day 21 and these last few days have been a killer. I wanted to reach out to her SO bad. I went out with a different girl last night, we had a great time, she spent the night... but all I could think about was my ex. Brutal feeling lol

 

That's my update Teddy. In a weird way, knowing you are in the same situation as I, makes it a tiny bit easier for me to deal.

[NopeNah]

So, what are you two gents doing today, for yourselves? Little golf,snow skiing,strip clubs? whatever you damn well please? Being single isn't really that bad..

[TeddyPSmith]

Getting off your a$$ and moving forward. So much easier said than done though. I know everything I SHOULD be doing to move on, but sometimes knowing what to do is not the same as actually being able to do it. I know a lot of people on here just tell you to move on like it is a flip of a switch, but not all of us can do it that way. I am right there with you, today is day 21 and these last few days have been a killer. I wanted to reach out to her SO bad. I went out with a different girl last night, we had a great time, she spent the night... but all I could think about was my ex. Brutal feeling lol

 

That's my update Teddy. In a weird way, knowing you are in the same situation as I, makes it a tiny bit easier for me to deal.

 

Glad to see you’re getting out. I just don’t know if I could go out with anyone at the moment. I definitely admire you for going for it!

[TeddyPSmith]

So, what are you two gents doing today, for yourselves? Little golf,snow skiing,strip clubs? whatever you damn well please? Being single isn't really that bad..

 

Going to a beer festival with some friends. If I end up in a strip club I won’t complain! I think a little makeout session would donme some good

[TeddyPSmith]

Teddy, I've read your earlier posts and you had very good reasons for parting with your girlfriend. You weren't expecting too much, her behavior was a valid reason for concern. Those things aren't likely to change. You broke up with her multiple times - it's highly unlikely it will ever work. When you start feeling obsessed about her remember the feelings you had that made you break up with her each time.

 

As far as your ex wife, you only know what's on the surface that is presented to the public. Who knows what the reality of her life is. Don't think about it for a moment. Your daughter adoring the other guy speaks to what a loving happy little girl she is, not necessarily that much to do with him. Be proud you've helped create such a loving creature.

 

Thanks for the kind words and solid advice. It’s often difficult for me to remember anything negative about her. I mean I know it’s there but it as no feelings attached to the thought. I suppose some part of why I’m so crushed is the total rejection from someone that seemed to really be into me for so long. I don’t think this is phasing her at all

[NopeNah]

Going to a beer festival with some friends. If I end up in a strip club I won’t complain! I think a little makeout session would donme some good

There ya go!

[Lloyd4Christmas]

So, what are you two gents doing today, for yourselves? Little golf,snow skiing,strip clubs? whatever you damn well please? Being single isn't really that bad..

 

Currently in grad school, so I probably should be doing my hw... but playing video games sounds way better. I used to play a ton before my last relationship. When we were together, I couldn't find the time. Now I have plenty!

 

Teddy, enjoy that beer festival. Sounds like a blast. Strip club sounds pretty good right now as well haha

[TeddyPSmith]

I had a pretty eventful weekend. Lots of social stuff. Still came back to the empty house, went to sleep at 9, laid in bed all morning, cried, called people to talk about this crap. I’m reading about people that go for months and months, some years, getting over this kind of thing. I’m only 2 weeks in and I feel worse than I did before. It’s like the reality of it still hasn’t sunk in. The loneliness is deafening. At some point I can see the benefit of getting out of the house more. I just feel like there’s no point. At my age I should be solidly with a family and having another kid or two, taking family vacations.

 

I realize there is a lot of repetition on here. Sorry for being so melancholy and of no hope. I’ve just decided to use this forum as my journal so that maybe some day I can look back and read these posts and think “damn, I’m so glad I’m not at that point anymore”. Thank you to any commenters as well. It’s nice to read other’s views.

[Lloyd4Christmas]

I had a pretty eventful weekend. Lots of social stuff. Still came back to the empty house, went to sleep at 9, laid in bed all morning, cried, called people to talk about this crap. I’m reading about people that go for months and months, some years, getting over this kind of thing. I’m only 2 weeks in and I feel worse than I did before. It’s like the reality of it still hasn’t sunk in. The loneliness is deafening. At some point I can see the benefit of getting out of the house more. I just feel like there’s no point. At my age I should be solidly with a family and having another kid or two, taking family vacations.

 

I realize there is a lot of repetition on here. Sorry for being so melancholy and of no hope. I’ve just decided to use this forum as my journal so that maybe some day I can look back and read these posts and think “damn, I’m so glad I’m not at that point anymore”. Thank you to any commenters as well. It’s nice to read other’s views.

 

Same here, I thought I finally found the person I was going to start a family with and take those family vacations... and then poof, gone just like that. I wish I could say it is getting easier, but it really isn't. Though I able to eat and sleep now, and no more emotional outbursts. Each day brings more of the realization that she is never coming back. In the first few weeks that is really all you have to hold on to. Now that is gone and it is demoralizing. Sunday afternoons/nights are the loneliest for sure. I question if I really ever want to fall in love again. Doesn't seem worth it.

[TeddyPSmith]

I wonder the same thing Lloyd. What’s the damn point.

 

I’m really finding it depressing when I have my daughter. It’s like I’m this middle aged single dad and can’t provide a family for her. I had a ready made family. It felt so much more natural than this does. The most attractive and interesting girl I’ve ever dated and I totally took her for granted. She was so into me and I just let everything bother me. I’m afraid someone like her will never come around again. What are the chances. I was absolutely beside myself when we matched on Tinder and she messaged me. She wasn’t easy to date but I could’ve been better. ****