bhsunny21 Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 Well, I have posted quite a bit on my situation lately (see "Another Email Breakup" under Breaking Up and "2nd Chance After Fling" under Second Chances), and I have gotten some awesome advice (thanks all!). But, here I am again. My ex and I have been "seeing each other" again. Not back to b/f and g/f, but just dating casually. I guess I am okay with this...but wait! No, I guess I am not. I do not want to see him dating anyone else! I don't want to see anyone and I don't want him to see anyone else either! Well, the flint to this fire has been coming for the past week. He has been calling me and wanting to see me *every night* since I have told him that I can look past him sleeping with another girl (after 2 days of being broken up...see 2nd Chance After Fling). I have been trying to keep my distance, for I don't want to see have happen with us happen again (which is move too fast). I want us to work and I think space will be the answer to our situation. After all, distance does make the heart grow fonder, right? Anyway, so tonight, we go out for dinner and he brings up the fact (again) that we aren't back together, but just "seeing" each other. Well, that is all fine and good, but he is not acting like a guy that is just dating me. He is acting like a guy that is with me exclusively. I say this, because he has again given me the key to his apartment, wants to sleep with me, wants me to stay with him all the time, etc. I bring up to him that fact and he tells me that he does not want to be with me exclusively because he is not sure he can be with anyone as an exclusive boyfriend...with me or with any other girl. He says that he doesn't think that he can be a good boyfriend to anyone, much less me, and that I deserve more than that. But, if I end up going out with someone else, that he will go crazy with jealousy. What is sticking out in my head is that he is wanting to go out with other women, that aren't me, and that he may actually have attachments to these women and end up throwing me to the curb. Do I really want to go through all this crap again?! So, I guess I am just wondering if this is normal behavior. Why is it that he is okay with seeing other girls, but he doesn't want me to see anyone else? It kills me to know that he may be out there seeing other women...but it kills me more so that I do not want to see other men (although I have been asked out twice in the past week by two different men). I almost want to go out with others just so that I can show him that he isn't the only one who finds me attractive, etc. But, it is hard to be able to accept a date with someone, when all I want his my ex/present man. I am so confused at his actions....and I just want him to be blunt with me... IS IT ME HE WANTS?! IF NOT LET ME GO!! I almost think it would be easier... Any words of encouragement or advice would be grand. Thanks, in advance, for all of your posts...
upsetnhurt Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 Are you saying that it took you only two days of thoughts to forgive him of cheating on you? It sounds to me that you have given this guy everything that he wants and then some. That is the ability to have you any time he wants at his beckon call yet also be able to go out and sleep with as many others as he wants without being responsible to you now. Seem FAIR? NO! You are going to need to prepare yourself for some major hurt if you continue.......Realize that at this moment he is telling you that he is not good enough for you and that you deserve better. BELIEVE him please and walk away. Why would he ever want more from you if you allow him these luxuries now? Make him feel what it is like without you in his life and see what happens. In the meantime focus on yourself cause I think you need it. Seriously....you accepted the fact that he cheated on you in a total of two days?????????
Author bhsunny21 Posted August 27, 2005 Author Posted August 27, 2005 He didn't cheat on me. He had broken up with me and just hopped in bed with the first girl that allowed him. I don't feel like it is justified for me to hold that against him, since we both never thought we would see each other again. I do believe that I am being too giving of myself in the current status quo of our relationship. I am beginning to back of *a lot*. He doesnt like it, but I have to put up boundaries for my own self preservation. He doesn't understand why I won't stay over night with him, etc. I just don't get why he doesn't understand my feelings! I know he cares for me, but it just seems he wants me to do all the giving in the relationship while he sits back and just reaps the benefit. I know everyone is going to say to leave and never look back. It is so much easier said than done, since I am so close to this guy. I just don't know if I can handle knowing that he will be going out with other girls. Maybe if I end up going out with other guys, I won't feel so bad...or will that matter at all??
upsetnhurt Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 I am in a similar situation as you yet I chose to remove myself completely from my ex gf. She was getting all the benefits of my generousity with feeling any commitment to me. People often said to me "Why should she buy the cow if she can get the milk for free" and as much as I hate that saying it was very appropriate in my case and sounds like yours as well. Will you really be able to date others with him on your mind. Maybe to spite him yet not to get over him which is what you need to begin doing. I am hurting so much here as well as it has now been a month and a half of no contact and it has taken me this much time and I am sure lots more to get back on my own two feet yet I feel better about my situation. The other way would have just not worked out long term for me and that is my main interest. Think about it to yourself......he is not the one confused here you are. He knows what he wants and is willing to lose you to get it. Let him and allow yourself to heal to eventually find someone who wants only you. Best of luck to you.
sundrop Posted August 27, 2005 Posted August 27, 2005 bhsunny21, I would tell him, you need a commitment. This is what you deserve and if he is not willing to give it to you then you need to find someone who will. What happens when he goes out and finds someone else he is interested in, will he kick you to the curb and ask for his key back? Sounds like to me, you deserve better. You have put up with his crap to long, you dont deserve to have to walk around on egg shells all the time, wondering. It's not fair to you for him to expect you too. Don't take this crap.
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