Question for those who got out of the affair

[whatcomesnext]

GH please don’t think you deserve it. Nobody deserves it. I don’t care whether you are the cheater or cheated, nobody deserves to be treated like they are disposable. The worst person in the equation is the person who does the disposing. He is a cheater as well, but is not sitting around thinking he deserves to be hurt. You’ve made mistakes, yes. And you’ve taken actions that caused hurt, but you actually have feelings about that. And you had true feelings for MM. That means you are human. You have empathy. You will face it. You’re not running away from it. A truly bad person wouldn’t be able to feel guilt, hurt, empathy or care about the after effects of what they are doing. You don’t deserve it. The only person I deserve to receive hurtful or negative actions from as a result of this is my H, not MM. Ironically my H has been nothing but kind to me while MM ultimately did nothing but hurt and destroy me. I made a bad choice, emotionally invested in the wrong person, but I didn’t deserve to be destroyed by MM. Neither did you.

[Scoutjr]

GH please don’t think you deserve it. Nobody deserves it. I don’t care whether you are the cheater or cheated, nobody deserves to be treated like they are disposable. The worst person in the equation is the person who does the disposing. He is a cheater as well, but is not sitting around thinking he deserves to be hurt. You’ve made mistakes, yes. And you’ve taken actions that caused hurt, but you actually have feelings about that. And you had true feelings for MM. That means you are human. You have empathy. You will face it. You’re not running away from it. A truly bad person wouldn’t be able to feel guilt, hurt, empathy or care about the after effects of what they are doing. You don’t deserve it. The only person I deserve to receive hurtful or negative actions from as a result of this is my H, not MM. Ironically my H has been nothing but kind to me while MM ultimately did nothing but hurt and destroy me. I made a bad choice, emotionally invested in the wrong person, but I didn’t deserve to be destroyed by MM. Neither did you.

 

 

I totally agree with WCN. I'm a cheater too, and I know I've made mistakes. but I own them. We are all human, you are not a bad person because you had feelings for someone. WCN is right, a bad person wouldn't feel the guilt or hurt that you feel. I believe your MM was a narcissist like mine. This is what they do, they use people and discard them like appliances. I always wondered "Why me?" Am I weak or something? Did I look like a victim to him? I had low self-esteem at the time, and I'm sure he picked up on it. I think once you start feeling better about yourself you will be able to move on. Someone posted a blog called "Post male syndrome" and a lot of the advice really resonated. This one in particular in my case was helpful:

 

https://postmalesyndrome.com/how-to-get-closure-when-you-have-none/

 

I never got "closure" with my MM. We didn't have a long talk. He sent me a text and said "with work and home life he couldn't put a tremendous amount into our relationship." We did meet for coffee once after that but never talked about it. I kept thinking if I had the closure I could move on.

 

This was particularly helpful:

 

"if you find yourself in a situation where the other person treated you with a consistent lack of respect, honesty, kindness, loyalty and love, DO NOT try to get closure from them. You will just end up being made to look and feel crazy. Remember – you don’t need closure from anyone. You want it. You CAN provide it for yourself without having to engage with the very people who have hurt and disrespected you."

 

She also says

 

"This is why they teach us in Kindergarten that actions speak louder than words – LISTEN to the actions of others and you’ll have all the closure that you need (while remaining on your white horse)."

 

I am going to create my own closure by not engaging. All along I was soooo worried about what he thought about me. Well, what about what I think about him?! He cheated on his PREGNANT wife and then when she was home with a two-month-old and a toddler. This is not a good person. Yes, I cheated too, so I really can't throw stones. But I don't want to be the kind of woman who does that. (I mean, it's too late to take it back, obviously, but I can stop now).

 

I have gone through the range of emotions, sadness, hurt, depression, anger, hatred. I think it's a lot like the grieving process..going through stages. denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance

 

(I am not sure what the bargaining one is about, but I have definitely felt the other three and am inching toward acceptance.)

 

I think I am kind of rambling now, but maybe some of this will resonate with you.

 

 

Keep posting until you reach day 100! Or maybe you won't even need to go it that long. Just remember, nothing is forever, even this pain, even though it feels like it might be.

[Lehcar1012]

I wallowed. I’m walking through the pain.

 

And just as whatcomesnext said.. I’m questioning my values. What was real. Im angry at myself. I feel sorry for myself. But mostly I’m angry. And hurt. And wondering how someone could be so cruel.

 

But I too am cruel. I was selfish. I have done damage to unsuspecting people as he has done damage to me. So guilt is weighing heavily on me. And I know I am deserving.

 

I am at work tonight. And areas remind me of him. And I have to stop sometimes and gather myself. I’ll have to work with him in 4 days. A full 12 hour shift. It will be brutal.

 

Yesterday's positivity is gone. I felt pretty depressed today, angry , resentful, lonely, lost.. I'm glad today is almost over. Pretty sad when you watch the clock waiting for bed time because I would rather be asleep than feel . I even had lunch with him today but it feels different for.me. I know it's over and i know hes leaving soon. I feel abandoned . What was I thinking, it was all an illusion. A fantasy. Normally at this time on a Tuesday night, we would be cooking dinner. Getting ready to watch a movie. Here I am alone. With his ghost everywhere in this apartment.. I guess I am getting what I deserve.

[grass-hopper]

Today has been exceptionally hard. I had a job interview elsewhere because I’m trying to get away. But going to that facility only reminded me of him. Because he used to work there and we spent so many days while he was there texting for up to 16 hrs at a time. So I saw where he’d been posted and I saw the trucks he’d been in and i thought about us. That is the problem as well. In our field, I will always see him unless I leave the specialty area that I have come to love. Unless I leave the city. And that is not an option.

My sleep was so broken. Waking up every hour and my thoughts immediately go to him. I think I may have even dreamt of him. And now I lie here awake and I feel desperate. I feel like I want to contact him and tell him I miss him. But I won’t. Because it won’t be reciprocated. Because I’ll end up feeling worse. And I can’t imagine feeling any worse than I do right now.

Everything has changed in my life. The woman I look at in the mirror, I hate her. I’m ashamed to look myself. To know that I was a complete fool. And that woman I’m looking at is probably the woman he saw and used and then spit out like trash.

Last night while at work, just in general conversation about life with a co-worker. He talked to me about how to live life to the fullest and never care what others think about you. He talked to me about taking the good with the bad and understanding that in life we make choices with what has been given to us and many times we will not make the best choice because we are human. But if overall we are good people who have remorse, then we should accept those things and learn and never beat ourselves down. Get up and keep going he said.

This co-worker knows nothing about choices I’ve made. He knows nothing about my situation. We were just having a general life discussion to pass the time. I felt good at that moment. I felt like I was being given a sign that I was going to be ok. I felt like some force was telling me that it was ok. To forgive myself. But that quickly went away in my quiet company while I have been alone today.

I expect it to go this way. A roller coaster of feelings and emotions.

I want to be mad at him. But all I can do right now is miss him. I used to look at my phone and I’d see his message waiting and I’d be overjoyed. I knew when he’d text. Today is a day that I know he would be texting me in 3 hours. And I know I won’t get that message. It will be extremely hard to get through the night.

[Patrice]

were used, as many are in these situations. Understand you will feel rage, anger at yourself, but there are so many people out there that just want instant gratification, with no real regard for what you need and want. Accept it as it is, and move along with what makes you happy. It will come in waves, the loss of the connection, the loss of something that was probably a fantasy. I have learned to understand myself, how I was led into it, and how I was strong enough to say I deserve more. Stay NC, don't resort to vitriol and anger .. it was what it was. It served a purpose at that time in your life, until it didn't.

[Lehcar1012]

Today has been exceptionally hard. I had a job interview elsewhere because I’m trying to get away. But going to that facility only reminded me of him. Because he used to work there and we spent so many days while he was there texting for up to 16 hrs at a time. So I saw where he’d been posted and I saw the trucks he’d been in and i thought about us. That is the problem as well. In our field, I will always see him unless I leave the specialty area that I have come to love. Unless I leave the city. And that is not an option.

My sleep was so broken. Waking up every hour and my thoughts immediately go to him. I think I may have even dreamt of him. And now I lie here awake and I feel desperate. I feel like I want to contact him and tell him I miss him. But I won’t. Because it won’t be reciprocated. Because I’ll end up feeling worse. And I can’t imagine feeling any worse than I do right now.

Everything has changed in my life. The woman I look at in the mirror, I hate her. I’m ashamed to look myself. To know that I was a complete fool. And that woman I’m looking at is probably the woman he saw and used and then spit out like trash.

Last night while at work, just in general conversation about life with a co-worker. He talked to me about how to live life to the fullest and never care what others think about you. He talked to me about taking the good with the bad and understanding that in life we make choices with what has been given to us and many times we will not make the best choice because we are human. But if overall we are good people who have remorse, then we should accept those things and learn and never beat ourselves down. Get up and keep going he said.

This co-worker knows nothing about choices I’ve made. He knows nothing about my situation. We were just having a general life discussion to pass the time. I felt good at that moment. I felt like I was being given a sign that I was going to be ok. I felt like some force was telling me that it was ok. To forgive myself. But that quickly went away in my quiet company while I have been alone today.

I expect it to go this way. A roller coaster of feelings and emotions.

I want to be mad at him. But all I can do right now is miss him. I used to look at my phone and I’d see his message waiting and I’d be overjoyed. I knew when he’d text. Today is a day that I know he would be texting me in 3 hours. And I know I won’t get that message. It will be extremely hard to get through the night.

 

I'm sorry grass hopper, I feel your pain. I run constantly these past days to avoid my apartment.and at work is really bad too because I met him at work and we have worked together for 4 and a half years. When he's gone I know I can't bare to be in that place anymore. It will be so sad. I am still in contact with him but it's sad because we know he will be gone soon. And when that happens it will hit me like a train. I know I am still in denial a little bit. I don't want to believe what I know is true. I dont want to feel it right now. Or ever. But we will survive this grass hopper . We will. And I hope we have nothing but happiness to come. He told me today he is beginning the process of selling his house.

[grass-hopper]

I feel so anxious right now. I can’t keep my composure. My heart keeps wanting to send a message. My brain keeps telling me I’ll only walk into more heartbreak. I suppose this is the addicted part. I am in complete withdrawal. Knowing that a day like today he would have text me. And knowing that he hasn’t is killing me. Did I have a small hope he’d text? Is that small hope crushed because he hasn’t? Did I think maybe he missed me a little that he’d reach out? Is the realization validation that he never did care?

 

I write here to avoid texting him. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I’m in a horrible place tonight. Why can’t i just man up and take responsibility for my mistake and get over this?

[whatcomesnext]

GH what you are feeling is totally normal. It is withdrawal. My EA was extremely text heavy. We would text for hours a day. When it stopped my whole life felt like torture. I had this insatiable itch to look at my phone, reach out, DO something because I felt so powerless and wanted my fix. I also missed him and felt very abandoned and alone. I feared abandonment the whole time and my worst fears (or maybe my gut instincts that I repeatedly ignored?) were realized. Everybody is different in terms of how long you will feel that drive to contact him. For me the feeling lasted a very long time. I don’t say that to scare you, but to prepare you. I guess I need to cut myself some slack on how long it’s taken me because I still have to see him from time to time. I went 4 months fighting the urge to reach out and then I broke. An excuse to contact him presented itself and I took it because I just wanted to feel better. I hoped it would change what happened - but of course it couldn’t. He responded to what I told him and that was it. The relief I felt in less than 24 hours turned to humiliation and even worse depression. Then guess what? I stupidly broke again a month later and went to see him at work in addition to sending a text. I still regret it all. It changed nothing. Delayed my recovery and any ability to focus on my M. Now, on top of everything else, I have to live with the knowledge that I showed myself such little respect that I tried to reengage with someone who showed me zero care and respect. He didn’t deserve my efforts. Have you seen the show Marvelous Mrs. Maisel? Spoiler alert if not, but I find it instructive. H leaves the W for his mistress. When he first tries to reconcile she says NO, “because you left.” This is the reverse situation but the underlying lesson is the same. Any man who abandons you shows you who he really is. It should be a dealbreaker. You left so you don’t get to be with me ever again. Easier said then done when your self-esteem is shot. I saw him yesterday for the first time in awhile. Seeing him is always a set back and makes me feel extremely hurt and sad, but I’m 8 months out and have no urge to contact him anymore. Keep posting here. Fight the urge. You will thank yourself later.

[Scoutjr]

GH what you are feeling is totally normal. It is withdrawal. My EA was extremely text heavy. We would text for hours a day. When it stopped my whole life felt like torture. I had this insatiable itch to look at my phone, reach out, DO something because I felt so powerless and wanted my fix. I also missed him and felt very abandoned and alone. I feared abandonment the whole time and my worst fears (or maybe my gut instincts that I repeatedly ignored?) were realized. Everybody is different in terms of how long you will feel that drive to contact him. For me the feeling lasted a very long time. I don’t say that to scare you, but to prepare you. I guess I need to cut myself some slack on how long it’s taken me because I still have to see him from time to time. I went 4 months fighting the urge to reach out and then I broke. An excuse to contact him presented itself and I took it because I just wanted to feel better. I hoped it would change what happened - but of course it couldn’t. He responded to what I told him and that was it. The relief I felt in less than 24 hours turned to humiliation and even worse depression. Then guess what? I stupidly broke again a month later and went to see him at work in addition to sending a text. I still regret it all. It changed nothing. Delayed my recovery and any ability to focus on my M. Now, on top of everything else, I have to live with the knowledge that I showed myself such little respect that I tried to reengage with someone who showed me zero care and respect. He didn’t deserve my efforts. Have you seen the show Marvelous Mrs. Maisel? Spoiler alert if not, but I find it instructive. H leaves the W for his mistress. When he first tries to reconcile she says NO, “because you left.” This is the reverse situation but the underlying lesson is the same. Any man who abandons you shows you who he really is. It should be a dealbreaker. You left so you don’t get to be with me ever again. Easier said then done when your self-esteem is shot. I saw him yesterday for the first time in awhile. Seeing him is always a set back and makes me feel extremely hurt and sad, but I’m 8 months out and have no urge to contact him anymore. Keep posting here. Fight the urge. You will thank yourself later.

This really good advice, WCN. I’ll be using it for myself!!! I have felt exactly the same. I went 8 weeks NC and then broke it and wound up feeling worse when he didn’t respond, and then when did his response was so perfunctory. Keep going Grasshopper. Day by day, minute by minute if you have to. We are here for you and it us (me) as much as it helps you.

[grass-hopper]

I didn’t reach out to him.

Thanks for your replies WCN. It helps to know that I’m not the only one in this world that has ever felt so awful. And it’s helpful to know that I’ll get through it and hopefully be able to provide encouraging words to someone else later down the line. Because your words are encouraging to me. I’m living through the pain like Bittersweet advised me to. She’s right there is no going around it.

Just some moments Leave me gasping for air. Like tomorrow I will work with him. And we will be professional and talk like co-workers but inside I’ll be dying. He said he wants to be friends. And knowing me, I can pull it off. But my feelings are so intense right now that it’s going to take a lot of mental effort.

 

But everyone thank you again for your support. I know I must seem pathetic right now.

[Bittersweetie]

The above PP have some great advice regarding withdrawal and reaching out. My xAP ghosted me twice (and I still had feelings for him, I know, ugh) and yet I would still reach out to him (this was before d-day). I see now that I wanted the fix. I think, too, I also wanted to pull him in so that I could then reject him. So I could get some of my power back. Which, of course, didn't happen. Looking back I feel sad that I had so little self-respect for myself.

 

Another thing I want to just bring up, is that it's fine to wallow, but think about putting a time limit on it. After my d-day I spent ten days with my parents. I barely left my room and definitely didn't leave the house for a week. I wallowed in the aftermath of all I had done. After a week, I went downstairs, dressed, and told my mom that I was going to see if one of my friends was around to get lunch. "Good," she said. "Because if you didn't get going today I was going to make you get going."

 

So just be cognizant of your wallowing and make sure to turn it into action and moving forward. I think the longer spent wallowing the harder it will be to move forward but that's JMO. GL.

[whatcomesnext]

GH, you are under no obligation to be his friend. He is not your friend. He abandoned you. Do not be his friend. If you need to interact with him for work, act professionally with as minimal contact as possible and leave it at that. I understand your struggle because I have to see my MM too. Not at work, but socially in our community (typically with our families no less). He claimed to be my friend as he cut me out of his life and erased me. I kept myself friendly and open to him even though I was dying with pain and hurt inside because I wanted him to feel he could come back. Meanwhile this man who claimed to still be my friend generally ignored me, hurting me all the more. Then I switched to ignoring him, and even that was initially done in the hope of getting a reaction. The reaction I received was for him to ignore me even better than he had been before. Now I ignore him for my own emotional protection. All this is to say that you will save yourself a lot of setbacks and heartache if you do NOT try to be his “friend.” Friends do not treat each other the way MM treated you and mine treated me. “Friends” do not need to take a step back from each other and do not abandon each other. Friends want to make your life better, they care about your feelings. This is no friendship. Also, to the extent a physical attraction remains it cannot be a healthy friendship anyway.

[Eight]

What??? WHAT AN ASS.

 

Reminds me of the song, Shadowboxer, by Fiona Apple:

Once my lover, now my friend / What a cruel thing to pretend / What a cunning way to condescend.

 

Especially in this situation.

 

F that. He doesn't get anything from you. He has his wife.

[Eight]

I thought of you when I read the following articles. I hope they can help you; I found them helpful myself and echo many of the realizations I've had over the past year. It's written by a married woman who had an affair.

 

Here's the follow-up she wrote.

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2018/02/how-to-release-the-shame-of-having-an-affair/

 

Here's her first article.

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2018/02/the-truth-behind-why-i-had-an-affair/

[grass-hopper]

Thank you for the link to the article. If only I could articulate my story like she did. But it’s an inspiration for me to take responsibility for my pain and begin a long hard process of working on me. Because if I delve deep enough, I can see that unresolved issues guided me to do and choose as I did by walking into this self destructive affair. I say self destructive because I saw it as it was all happening and I let it happen. It was familiar. It was home.

 

I had to go into work last night to take care of something. He wasn’t suppose to be working but he was there. And when I saw him my heart shattered. I said hello to everyone including him. It was professional and minimal. And as I left we looked at one another and I smiled and waved goodbye as I would have to any other co-worker. But I got in my car and I drove home and I ran into my bathroom and I sat on the floor and I cried. And I spent the rest of the night fighting the urge to text him and tell him I miss him and how much my heart is breaking. I spent the rest of the night wiping away tears that just welled up.

 

I didn’t text him. I’m proud of myself. But I’m still hurting so much. I haven’t given myself a time slot to stop my wallowing. It’s still so early. So fresh. So all I do it walk through the days hoping I’ll make it.

[Eight]

You did great; I don't think I could still see the guy after it ended. You are obviously a strong person.

AND, you got past the urge to text him! Another hurdle cleared. Next time, just resist and it will pass as well.

Think of each of those times as money in your emotional bank. You are getting stronger, little by little, every day. (Even if you don't feel like it.)

You are right, it's still early. Just keep doing the next "right" thing for you.

Hang in there. You're doing great.

[bathtub-row]

I haven’t read all the replies or responses on this thread but I’ll say this — you ask does the pain ever go away after things end. What about the pain while you’re in that situation? I seem to remember a great deal of pain and I’m thrilled to be away from it.

 

And to answer your question, yes the pain does go away. This person isn’t the one for you and you’re wasting precious years on an imaginary relationship. And he’ll let you do that for as long as you’re willing to do it.

[grass-hopper]

I haven’t read all the replies or responses on this thread but I’ll say this — you ask does the pain ever go away after things end. What about the pain while you’re in that situation? I seem to remember a great deal of pain and I’m thrilled to be away from it.

 

And to answer your question, yes the pain does go away. This person isn’t the one for you and you’re wasting precious years on an imaginary relationship. And he’ll let you do that for as long as you’re willing to do it.

 

Yes the pain while in the affair was overwhelming. The never knowing when. At least now I know. Now I’m here. I’ve got my whole world crashing down on me in several different aspects of my life but this one part of him and I had got me so down.

Today will be difficult. I go in to work in 30 min and I will work alongside him for 12 hours. 12 hours of faking it.

Someone said I’m strong. But I’m not. I’m not strong. If you could see me right here right now sitting on the bathroom floor just wanting to be sucked up by the earth so I don’t have to face this day.

I am watching myself and listening to myself sound so pathetically sad. And I hate it.

[whatcomesnext]

You can do it GH. It will be hard but you ARE strong. Being strong doesn’t mean not caring and not being upset. Being strong is feeling all of those feelings and living through them. You will get through those 12 hours of pretending - and giving yourself some feelings of power by not engaging with MM more than necessary and not pretending to be his friend. Then maybe you will go home and back to that bathroom floor and cry. I’ve cried hours of tears on my bathroom floor and in various other places. Release it and feel it and let it all out. And then you can post here because we feel your pain and have your back.

[bathtub-row]

Yes the pain while in the affair was overwhelming. The never knowing when. At least now I know. Now I’m here. I’ve got my whole world crashing down on me in several different aspects of my life but this one part of him and I had got me so down.

Today will be difficult. I go in to work in 30 min and I will work alongside him for 12 hours. 12 hours of faking it.

Someone said I’m strong. But I’m not. I’m not strong. If you could see me right here right now sitting on the bathroom floor just wanting to be sucked up by the earth so I don’t have to face this day.

I am watching myself and listening to myself sound so pathetically sad. And I hate it.

 

I hope you'll keep this one thing in mind: healthy love does NOT make you feel this way.

 

And, yes, you are strong. Most strong people don't realize that fact. Years and years ago, I lost someone that I loved like he was a part of my soul. I honestly thought I'd die. It took more than 2 yrs to get past the pain. But what I told myself was that if I could get past it, I could get past anything from that point on. And you know what? I was right. That was about 25 yrs ago and nothing since has tested me in the way the pain of that situation did. I move past things much faster. I still think about him on occasion but it's not with longing or pain. I recently discovered that he's written a book, non-fiction. I have two fictions novels on Amazon. I had to grin over that and thought again about how much we were alike, such kindred spirits. It's just a thought and reminds me of the connection we had on many levels. But I'm not sad anymore and don't feel that my life is any less. And any time I've been faced with trials, I think back to that time and know that I got past that and that I can get past anything.

 

I know you don't want to feel it, you don't want to go through it, and you don't want to look back in 25 yrs and say what I'm now saying. But you have no choice. This situation is bringing you to your knees and you must crawl until you can wobble, you must wobble until you can walk, and you must walk until you can run. And when you can run, you can be free.

 

Repeating: healthy love does NOT make you feel this way!

Edited March 3, 2018 by bathtub-row

[grass-hopper]

It’s true. Working in the same place as MM is going to make the getting over it almost nearly impossible.

His playfulness, his concern, his smiles and attention were all a reaction to my hard working indifference. It’s as if he fed off of my indifference and played more. And I faired well In the beginning. Keeping as much distance as I could. But he weaseled his way in by telling me he can’t stop talking to me. By telling me he doesn’t want to be reason why I am sad and how he cares about me. By saying how he wants to be my friend. And it’s all so soon and fresh and they were words to my aching heart. So I talked to him like a friend. And that song shadowboxer that eight referenced by Fiona apple Plays in the background.

 

I know I shouldn’t be friendly back. I know he doesn’t deserve it. And I know it will only make my healing process all the more difficult. I feel I have taken a million steps backward. Because I had gone so many days NC and now back in his game, his self fulfilling ego boost, I’m left feeling used and like a toy. Because now I will go through the process of getting through NC again and I will tear myself up for being so weak. And in 4 days I will work with him again and i will have to learn to play the game.

[CatMinx]

The pain absolutely, positively does go away. You’re going to be just fine love, as long as you stay strong.

[BourneWicked]

I hope you'll keep this one thing in mind: healthy love does NOT make you feel this way.

 

And, yes, you are strong. Most strong people don't realize that fact. Years and years ago, I lost someone that I loved like he was a part of my soul. I honestly thought I'd die. It took more than 2 yrs to get past the pain. But what I told myself was that if I could get past it, I could get past anything from that point on. And you know what? I was right. That was about 25 yrs ago and nothing since has tested me in the way the pain of that situation did. I move past things much faster. I still think about him on occasion but it's not with longing or pain. I recently discovered that he's written a book, non-fiction. I have two fictions novels on Amazon. I had to grin over that and thought again about how much we were alike, such kindred spirits. It's just a thought and reminds me of the connection we had on many levels. But I'm not sad anymore and don't feel that my life is any less. And any time I've been faced with trials, I think back to that time and know that I got past that and that I can get past anything.

 

 

 

This is lovely... kindred spirits. I don't know if the situation was an affair but I think those who write off affairs as just drugs and chemicals do a disservice. In some cases it is just drugs and chemicals. In some cases, an affair can be with anyone. In mine (and others), it could only have been with this one. There truly was a connection. So many similarities, and an almost inherent understanding of each other. But a connection doesn't mean anything when there's a tight little legal binding around his ring finger.

 

Congratulations on your novels!! And maybe another point for those of us still struggling to climb out of the limbo - would they be out there if you'd wasted the last 25 years pining over a relationship? What are we all giving up by spending so much headspace on a relationship to nowhere?

 

I like the writing comment so much - myself and MM are both writers. In fact, the first thing that attracted me to him ages ago were his beautifully crafted emails. Men with a way with words... mmm. But writing is something I haven't done much of in the last year and a half since this all started.

[BourneWicked]

Grasshopper, I think it's fine if you're nice to him. Though I think Jah's gray rock technique works even better. The biggest change has to happen internal. I no longer make myself available - in fact I make myself unavailable. Because I truly am busy, and things I used to rearrange for him I will not do anymore. I remind myself that I don't "fit into his life" in a variety of ways. And I took of the rose-tinted glasses.

 

Also, I try to see him very negatively. Which I don't like to do - generally I try to see the best in people. So now I think "hm why did he ask if my project would be covered by the hot young intern who isn't remotely related to it while I was out? So he would have a reason to chase her too?" Knowing that he has a history of chasing coworkers (and this one was stupid enough to fall for it, even with that knowledge) makes it pretty easy to view his behavior in a less than favorable light.

 

Knowing I've caught him in stretches of the truth, knowing I know more than he thinks about certain situations helps. It's helped me create a sort of distance between us. It's less and less. I've also found a job to apply for. It's my company, and would be a stretch goal for me, but he would have literally no excuse to contact me in a day, and that familiarity from sharing daily work would be gone.

 

Seeing his behavior as bad, bad, bad helps me. My thought pattern shift - Ah, here you are, sniffing around for sex again. Oh you want to talk to me? So glad you can fit 20 minutes twice a week in for us to spend together - so romantic, let's do that sex thing now! Oh you only have the next hour available to talk and you were really hoping we could chat? Shucks I'm booked! And I'm sure your wife is told she only has an hour to be graced by your presence, and is told a timeline to fit into in your life. (Okay I don't say the second part but I do make myself unavailable )

 

And it's still beyond me why it's so important to these guys to maintain an image of a "nice guy." I had theorized he'd done this before with another coworker - and he had told me he'd slept with one other person since he'd been married. But when I pressed him about who he'd been out of the country with on work he got all sarcastic about it and listed off people old enough to be his mother. Except... that isn't true. Left out one little name of a person closer to his age which was the one I'd theorized he'd done this with before. They'd been on trips involving hotels a couple of times. There's like, photo evidence. That was the nail in the coffin for me. So silly - expecting honesty in a dishonest situation.

 

Some of the things he does are better than that, kinder than that. But it doesn't matter - still married! So I have to chose to view him as the bad guy because that's how I move on. Someday I hope this will be a sort of indifference, but this is the best I have right now.

 

Good luck grasshopper.

[grass-hopper]

BourneWicked. I am trying this today. To think of him negatively. Because for some reason I have this feeling like the loss of him is me missing out on something/someone really great. When I know deep down he’s not. Not much unlike myself though. I am in his company. But someone said in an earlier reply on my thread that now i need to choose what type of person I want to become. And I don’t want to be the cheater anymore or the liar. I want to be a better person. One who makes decisions with a purpose. One with empathy. One with honesty. Because I came to hate who I became as the MOW.

 

So I am practicing seeing the negative in him. It’s a lot of thought redirecting and it’s difficult. Because I fall into remembering things he said and ways he made me feel and i miss it.