Question for those who got out of the affair

[bathtub-row]

It’s true. Working in the same place as MM is going to make the getting over it almost nearly impossible.

His playfulness, his concern, his smiles and attention were all a reaction to my hard working indifference. It’s as if he fed off of my indifference and played more. And I faired well In the beginning. Keeping as much distance as I could. But he weaseled his way in by telling me he can’t stop talking to me. By telling me he doesn’t want to be reason why I am sad and how he cares about me. By saying how he wants to be my friend. And it’s all so soon and fresh and they were words to my aching heart. So I talked to him like a friend. And that song shadowboxer that eight referenced by Fiona apple Plays in the background.

 

I know I shouldn’t be friendly back. I know he doesn’t deserve it. And I know it will only make my healing process all the more difficult. I feel I have taken a million steps backward. Because I had gone so many days NC and now back in his game, his self fulfilling ego boost, I’m left feeling used and like a toy. Because now I will go through the process of getting through NC again and I will tear myself up for being so weak. And in 4 days I will work with him again and i will have to learn to play the game.

 

First of all, working with him does not make it impossible to get past this or him. You're still in this mode of glorifying what the two of you had, and believing that he feels the same way. Even if you don't believe that, you're still putting this relationship on a pedestal in one way or another. I say take it down a few notches. It's not what it appears.

 

Here's the deal, the majority of men are driven crazy by indifference, and the majority of men do not know how to turn off the instinct to continue going after a woman they've previously slept with. Conversely, most women think that a man's reaction to that indifference actually means something that's lasting. This is why women can be worn down by this behavior. Most women also think that a man pursuing them over and over again actually means something (lasting). And, most importantly of all, most women sorely underestimate the lengths men will go to to either feed their egos or have sex. This underestimating of things on the part of women is, in my years of observation, our biggest downfall.

 

If you look at all of those factors, it will help you to stop caving in just because he responds this way or that. The truth is, it doesn't matter how he does or doesn't react. You've already determined that he has made the decision not to be with you and, really, that's all you need to know.

 

I say be friendly and courteous to him as you would be to anyone else. Professional. If he wants to chat about old times and lost love, look at him like he's a petulant child who apparently thinks you're an idiot and say, "Maybe later, huh? I'm in the middle of something." Men are far more bright than they let on. They are experts at manipulating women - and I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way - but they definitely know when prey is weak.

 

The truth is, giving your love and affection to a married man is a complete and utter waste of time. Period. A change of perspective can make all the difference.

[bathtub-row]

This is lovely... kindred spirits. I don't know if the situation was an affair but I think those who write off affairs as just drugs and chemicals do a disservice. In some cases it is just drugs and chemicals. In some cases, an affair can be with anyone. In mine (and others), it could only have been with this one. There truly was a connection. So many similarities, and an almost inherent understanding of each other. But a connection doesn't mean anything when there's a tight little legal binding around his ring finger.

 

Congratulations on your novels!! And maybe another point for those of us still struggling to climb out of the limbo - would they be out there if you'd wasted the last 25 years pining over a relationship? What are we all giving up by spending so much headspace on a relationship to nowhere?

 

I like the writing comment so much - myself and MM are both writers. In fact, the first thing that attracted me to him ages ago were his beautifully crafted emails. Men with a way with words... mmm. But writing is something I haven't done much of in the last year and a half since this all started.

 

Thank you! I'm very proud of my novels and have just completed my third. The relationship I referred to wasn't a sexual affair but definitely an emotional one, a very strong connection. He was, and still is, awesome. He and I just weren't meant to be.

 

'little legal binding around his ring finger' -- great line!

 

When the time is right, I hope you'll start writing again.

[Bittersweetie]

First of all, working with him does not make it impossible to get past this or him. You're still in this mode of glorifying what the two of you had, and believing that he feels the same way. Even if you don't believe that, you're still putting this relationship on a pedestal in one way or another. I say take it down a few notches. It's not what it appears.

 

Totally agree with this...I know I did it myself to my A. Very good point.

 

I'm the one who said you have to choose who you want to be. And for a while, before habits and strength are built, you will have to choose every single minute. Maybe even every single second. Like, you say "he weaseled his way in." NO. You allowed him to weasel in. You can choose to turn away to work on some work. You can choose to go to the bathroom when he starts chatting. You can choose to change the subject to work. YOU HAVE A CHOICE.

 

And if it's really that hard to work with him, then call in sick. Or switch shifts with someone. Or find a new job. These options aren't easy but unfortunately there are consequences to our actions.

 

Finally, and I'm trying to be gentle here...GH, you need to start looking at the bigger picture a little. Think of your husband and your family. When you're at work, seeing and talking to xAP, think about what your H will feel if/when you have a d-day, and he finds out you not only still worked with this man, you were friendly with him. There's a saying: "Character is who you are when no one is watching." Maybe act like your H (or someone else) can see you at all times and act accordingly. Keep going forward one step at a time and things will get better.

[Eight]

BourneWicked. I am trying this today. To think of him negatively. Because for some reason I have this feeling like the loss of him is me missing out on something/someone really great. When I know deep down he’s not. Not much unlike myself though. I am in his company. But someone said in an earlier reply on my thread that now i need to choose what type of person I want to become. And I don’t want to be the cheater anymore or the liar. I want to be a better person. One who makes decisions with a purpose. One with empathy. One with honesty. Because I came to hate who I became as the MOW.

 

So I am practicing seeing the negative in him. It’s a lot of thought redirecting and it’s difficult. Because I fall into remembering things he said and ways he made me feel and i miss it.

 

This is a central issue that you need to solve. Try to figure out what he made you feel about yourself. Those are the areas you need to work on GIVING YOURSELF not seeking those from someone else.

 

I sense you seek out a sense of worth from his affirmation. And he, from yours; as often is the case in affairs. It's a "fix" that seems easier to get than by doing the personal work to raise your own self-esteem. Like a any addiction, it will kill you eventually.

 

I looked back to my past, my childhood, daddy/men issues (cliche maybe, but I saw patterns in my attention/love seeking behavior) and how I saw my own value and self-worth.

 

This affair can actually be a Dark Night of the soul sort of experience for you and one that ultimately results in you becoming stronger and more at peace with yourself than before.

[Patrice]

Actions, girl, actions .. if there are none? He was lying.

[grass-hopper]

This is a central issue that you need to solve. Try to figure out what he made you feel about yourself. Those are the areas you need to work on GIVING YOURSELF not seeking those from someone else.

 

I sense you seek out a sense of worth from his affirmation. And he, from yours; as often is the case in affairs. It's a "fix" that seems easier to get than by doing the personal work to raise your own self-esteem. Like a any addiction, it will kill you eventually.

 

I looked back to my past, my childhood, daddy/men issues (cliche maybe, but I saw patterns in my attention/love seeking behavior) and how I saw my own value and self-worth.

 

This affair can actually be a Dark Night of the soul sort of experience for you and one that ultimately results in you becoming stronger and more at peace with yourself than before.

 

You’re right. I did find a sense of self worth in his attention. Here I was turning 40 and a bright young 28 year old man saw things in me that I no longer thought existed.

 

I’ve learned in IC that validation shouldn’t come from anyone but within. So I’m suppose to walk into IC tomorrow with 5 things I like about myself. But I can’t conjure up one. But I will have to put the personal work in to raise my self esteem. And it’s not going to be easy. I like that reference though about the dark night of the soul. I really think this can be that life changing experience.

 

I’ve become more accustomed to being in NC. I no longer look at my phone to see if he’s text. Because i no longer expect anything from him. Before I was hopeful. Now I have accepted that he lost interest. It’s still hard. But it’s getting easier.

[georgia girl]

GH,

 

At the time that you and another poster both posted that your relationships with MM were over, you appeared to be struggling more and perhaps a little envious of the other poster whose MM still wanted to be friends. At the time, I thought that yours was the easier path for exactly the reason you posted here. While it’s absolutely gut wrenching to go through the initial breakup, once you get through it, you start to heal. While you will still have good days and bad days - and awful days - the intensity never quite reaches that initial breakup point again.

 

It’s a helluva path to walk, but you are actually through the worst. Save yourself and never go back. You don’t want to experience that intense pain again.

[Transitions12]

Today has been an exceptionally hard day for me. I always knew it would be hard but this is taking my breath away. My eyes well up. My happiness is drained out of me. All while wearing a smile for my family. But inside I’m drowning.

I know I’ll have to pick myself up. I can’t go on like this forever. But the day has been long.

I hate to be the sad sappy story on here. But I have no one to tell my awful secret to. And even then no one ever feels sorry for the cheater.

 

I feel like I’ll be missing something but I know I won’t. He’s not a good husband. He’s not a good dad. I would hate to be married to him. I think to myself here I am crying over a married man who dumped me. At least I know who the real man is -a no good liar, cheater, narcissist. His poor wife, she’s being deceived and lied to by a man she doesn’t know. By a man that leaves the house and tells her he loves her and goes and has affairs.

 

And now I must look within myself. I am the liar and the cheater. I deserve this pain. At least before I had company. Now I’m alone.

 

I hope to get out of this feeling sorry for myself rut

 

 

This. I needed this today!! Thank you..its how I feel today..but you know what? We are going to be okay. Grasshopper your feelings are a lot like mine to the T. I dont know if you can Pm, but feel free if you just need that extra support. God knows I sure do.

[grass-hopper]

What a roller coaster of emotions. I don’t understand how this person has such a hold on my thoughts. I was ok yesterday and today I’m back down the sad sappy story road. I’ve done nothing but think about him today and wonder why he doesn’t text. I find myself making excuses why he doesn’t but the true answer is he doesn’t care about me. I was just an easy vulnerable game for him and then he tired of me and threw me out.

 

I don’t have a desire to text him. So that’s progress. I thought I would make a fool out of myself in the beginning and text him at every weak moment. But I haven’t.

 

I just wish I could forget about him. And not wonder about him. My therapist told me I need to forgive myself for my indiscretions. That will take awhile. I need to feel guilty. I did this to myself.

 

Tomorrow I work with him again.

[grass-hopper]

First of all, working with him does not make it impossible to get past this or him. You're still in this mode of glorifying what the two of you had, and believing that he feels the same way. Even if you don't believe that, you're still putting this relationship on a pedestal in one way or another. I say take it down a few notches.

 

Here's the deal, the majority of men are driven crazy by indifference, and the majority of men do not know how to turn off the instinct to continue going after a woman they've previously slept with. Conversely, most women think that a man's reaction to that indifference actually means something that's lasting. This is why women can be worn down by this behavior. Most women also think that a man pursuing them over and over again actually means something (lasting). And, most importantly of all, most women sorely underestimate the lengths men will go to to either feed their egos or have sex. This underestimating of things on the part of women is, in my years of observation, our biggest downfall.

 

If you look at all of those factors, it will help you to stop caving in just because he responds this way or that. The truth is, it doesn't matter how he does or doesn't react. You've already determined that he has made the decision not to be with you and, really, that's all you need to know..

 

I need to read this over and over.

It’s true.

I’m over analyzing things.

I’m assuming his ego fullfulling manipulation means something more.

But it means nothing.

He likely went in and out of limerance.

I’m still stuck in.

I just wish I didn’t care. But I do care. As awful as that is.

Because as Patrice said “actions”... and there are none.

He’s already gone. I’m the one holding on... to nothing

[Vivir]

Hey grass-hopper, here's a (((hug))).

This is it.

This is that roller coaster of emotions everyone talks about on LS.

You're on it.

 

I like that your therapist advised you to forgive yourself for your indiscretions. If you haven't already, I think you should ask your therapist to help you find a way to learn to do this... perhaps it is something the two of you have already discussed...

 

Still, forgiveness may take a while, like you said. I am still on my way to forgiving myself for mine. I purchased a coaching session for ending the affair simply because one of its five modules was on forgiveness...

 

I have learned that guilt doesn't serve us. These indiscretions don't call for punishment; they call for correction. In what ways can you correct your path for your past indiscretions? I mean, you're already in therapy. You're on your way

 

It just takes time.

 

When I find my thoughts taking a negative turn (mostly concerning shame), sometimes I let them run wild, but mostly, I have decided to repeat my little saying:

 

"It's done. I'm letting go and moving on."

 

And even when I think about the guilt I still feel toward xMM, I say a little prayer about how I hope he is doing well, that he finds peace, that he understands that I let him go because I couldn't add positivity to his life and he couldn't add it to mine; we had become toxic to each other in our old capacity. We were hurting each other and other people and...

 

"It's done. I'm letting go and moving on."

 

In the meanwhile, a song that truly encapsulated my feelings when I was languishing where you seem to be languishing now was "Already Gone" by filous ft. Emily Warren. It is a rather sad song, but listening to it made me feel that my pain was (I can't think of a good word here, so you listen to it if you like and fill in the blank for yourself)... the lyrics that got me were:

 

heart beating/still breathing/but you're already gone...

 

Broke my heart.

 

...sending you a little hope to get through your day...

Edited March 7, 2018 by Vivir

[rumblefish12]

Vivir:

Thank you. I really liked that post and I'm going to borrow your mantra. I also say something like that to myself when my mind wants to get in that rut. And I add "I like who I am."

 

I feel silly saying this, like that affirmation character on SNL from years ago. But the reality is that there's something inside me that says without xAP and as she inevitably forgets me that I've lost something of myself. That's not true, of course, but that doesn't stop me from thinking it. I need to work on that. I don't know if anyone else goes through the same thing?

[whatcomesnext]

Rumblefish, I’ve felt that same way. That I lost myself to him and it’s a struggle to get me back. Whenever I’ve thought about going to him and telling him how much he hurt me, part of what has stopped me is this feeling that in doing so I would not get myself back or RECEIVE anything I really want from him - I would only be GIVING him more parts of myself that I can never get back.

[BourneWicked]

Vivir I love the mantra. And bathtub row I like your comments about the continued chase and how women seem to view that as some sort of commitment when it really isn't anything at all. Part of the switch for me has been that I think about his wife a lot, and his family. I used to be able to glaze over that 'little' fact, but somewhere along the way I became grounded in reality.

 

And the Kelly Clark song.. ha that song never meant anything to me on the radio and now it has meaning.

 

I'm on the rollercoaster (again) right now too. I don't know why so bad this week. I guess at it becomes less and less I'm realizing that it's just a relationship that never will be. Not sure why it's hurting so much right now. Like, I knew before there was no future. But sometimes I used to think "maybe some day! 15 years... or 20." But now I'm quite confident that time is never. Logically, I knew that. My heart is only letting it sink in now. This person truly does not want to be with me the way I would like us to be together, and that will never be a common goal. His goal is a nice little distraction from a boring life. My goal, stupidly, selfishly, was a true relationship.

 

Rumblefish - I feel the same. I guess it's like how people call their husbands or wives "their other half." This person felt like my other half. I've never had someone where I've felt so honestly myself when I talk to them. Some people say this is because there's no respect, or the secrecy means you can say anything, but we really did have so very much in common.

 

I like your mantra too I think it's a good one Grieving is natural. It's like a death, the death of a relationship. Also... I think recognizing what parts of the person you were who was in an affair that you liked. For me... I was fun (really fun ) I laughed a lot, I was carefree and less stressed out than my normal self. Played games, went to new places, tried new foods and activities. Flirtatious, funny, happy. More like a twenty year old me. So I guess figuring out what things you can do and how you can incorporate that shadow self into your normal life. I know my family appreciates the 'other' me, but it's easy to lose that person in the stress and boredom of daily life. I think it's the loss of that other person (that other part of yourself) that's really being felt.

 

 

As long as we're talking lyrics - "for you"

In your eyes, I'm alive

Inside you're beautiful

Something so unusual in your eyes

I know I'm home

 

We see ourselves as someone different, better, special in this other person who's as deeply infatuated with us as we are with them. Sometimes I desperately regret what lead me into this. Other times I'm almost grateful that I experienced something so deep, that I felt this deeply for another person. I just wish the feeling had been reciprocated.

 

Anyway. It's hurting, but I like to think that's because it's finally where it needs to be. Where I've been trying to take it for so long. Less and less. Ending. I can have those same feelings a little softer, through books and movies, where real people don't get hurt.

Edited March 7, 2018 by BourneWicked
more rambling =)

[Bittersweetie]

As for the guilt. IME it will always be there, it's how you respond to it. I once read an interview with the Dalai Lama. A monk had come to him wanting to do a specific prayer routine and the Dalai Lama told the monk that he didn't think it would be a good idea because that particular routine was for younger monks, and this monk was an older man. A week later this monk killed himself, so that he could return and perform the prayer routine as a younger man.

 

The Dalai Lama was devastated, and recognized he handled things very poorly. The interviewer asked him, "How did you get over it?"

 

The Dalai Lama said (I'm paraphrasing here): "I did not get over it. I will never get over it. The guilt and remorse of my actions will always be inside me, always be a part of me. I have learned to live with them in my head and heart, recognize them, and keep them there so I can continue to learn and grow from them."

 

Such simple words were SO POWERFUL to me. I decided early on to take the horrible choices I made and try to change and live so that I would never make the same choices again. So I have not forgotten what I did and like the Dalai Lama, it is now a part of me. But now, not in a bad way...in a way that makes me stronger.

 

Sending strength to you all this week.

[Vivir]

Thanks Rumblefish and Bourne! So glad I could inspire you! I find myself repeating this mantra at least two times most days. It's a great idea for me to add "I like who I am" and I am going to try that!

 

I do understand what you mean, Rumblefish... while I don't think either of us will ever forget the other, we will become fleeting memories for each other as Life forces us to focus on other things and other people as Time goes by... that is a sad thought for me, and I am guilty of trying to hold onto the good memories I have of him, kind of like I did when trying to hold onto the memories I have of my deceased parents. It is poignant...and inevitable that it is going to happen. This is the effect of getting over it though; this is what we want to happen... but when it first starts, it is scary and defeating for some of us. And, at the time, the person meant so much, it all just seems so futile and pointless. And I ask "What was the point?!"

 

So, that's when I say my little prayer I mentioned in the previous post... I hope he is well... and at peace... happy even... but I am letting go, I am moving on...... AND.... I like myself!

 

Ironically, Bourne, when I tried to think of xMM into the future - even when we were in the affair, I couldn't help imagining him alongside his wife, growing with her and progressing their family - and having a great time doing it... while I remained alone. I wish you peace during this hard week. Hopefully, this ride is one of those short ones and you'll be back on solid and even ground before too long.

 

Whatcomesnext, it took me a looooooonnnngggg time to realize that I was giving out so very much and not only was I not getting anything substantive back, I felt that I was getting less than nothing back... that caused me to feel utterly depleted. At one point, the feeling was so terrible that I couldn't even hide it from manifesting in my face and body language. I never want to feel that way again.

 

Bittersweetie, thank you for sharing that. Even the Dalai Lama isn't a perfect and all-knowing being! His words are some that I know all too well. They are the ones I speak to those grieving a death. I tell them that they will never get over the death, they will simply learn to live with it, to integrate it into their lives.

Edited March 8, 2018 by Vivir

[whatcomesnext]

Vivir, I know the feeling you describe. I gave so much of myself in exchange for breadcrumbs and treated those breadcrumbs like they were worth their weight in gold. I was in agony at almost every turn because I knew in my heart that things weren’t right, that the way I felt - so dependent and irrational and overwhelmed and lovesick - wasn’t healthy or right. But I felt like I would die without him, that I needed those crumbs of attention to feel even baseline ok. It really is like a sickness. And even though I have no desire to contact him anymore, I don’t yet feel recovered from the disease. In many ways I miss that feeling of wanting to give to someone without boundaries, the intensity of it all. And it still makes me sad that he discarded me from his life. It’s not even about wanting to be with him anymore, it’s more like you said - “what was the point?” What was the point if I didn’t really matter to him? I struggle to find anything positive to take away from the experience because of that. I often still wish he would do or say something to make me feel like he cared and I mattered. Again, not out of desire to be with him but out of a desire to lessen the feelings of loss of self and meaninglessness. I hope time will heal that. I’m working on it all in counseling. Trying to get back my self-confidence, to accept and embrace that we have to validate ourselves, stop blaming myself and internalizing the abandonment, realizing that sometimes we just make mistakes and that some people are not what they seem.

[grass-hopper]

Where do start? I have been an absolute mess dealing with the sadness and loss and hopelessness by this affair. I lay in bed feeling abandoned and worthless. And I put on a face when I walk into work and I act indifferent. But still kind. Because that is me. I don’t know how to be unkind. Hello. How are you? And I go about my work. Sometimes escaping to the bathroom to breathe!

 

And he is funny and friendly. And I feel like if we can go on like this in this suspended friendly state, I can live with it. I can be professional friendly and deal inside with my grief. But I realize he is a narcissist. (Now after the fact).He didn’t weasel his way in. I accept that I let him in. Because his words were words that my shattered heart wanted to hear. He misses me. He loves me. He thinks of me always. He likes who I am. He thinks if we were in a different predicament that we would be really great together. It frightens him how he feels about me. And I sat and listened and laughed it off and told him I didnt believe him. (But inside I wanted to hear all this) And he gazed into my eyes and held my hand. And i melted. I suddenly forgot that my heart was broken. I ate up all of it. Breadcrumbs.

 

He asked me to meet him in another quiet room. And I recall standing outside of the room before walking in, knowing that this was my make or break moment. I knew I should have NEVER walked into that room. But I did and he asked me what should he do. I told him he needed to keep doing what he is doing and just let me go. And he told me how hard it has been for him. And I finally gave in and told him how hard it is for me.

 

And I fell into his trap. He’s so good at what he does. His words. His gazes. And I’m so ridiculously stupid. Why did he do this? What did he get out of it? And why is it so hard for me to resist it? I can’t imagine manipulating someone’s emotions for my own benefit. So I realize he is a narcissist. And I’m completely taken aback at how people like him walk around this earth with no remorse, no empathy. Should I feel sorry for him? Should I feel sorry for myself?

 

So working with him is going to be difficult for me. Because I’m obviously very weak. And he knows this. Tonight I know him. He’ll be quiet. He said to me last night how he knows he’s difficult. And he talked long and in depth about his horrible childhood and how he knows who he is is a reflection of those experiences. He said his dad taught him that women were nothing and he said he closes off because he’s frightened of the pain of being let down and heartbroken. So I know that either after spilling his heart on the floor to me that he’ll retract back into his shell. Or maybe they were all words to reel me back in to feed his ego. And I bit that line. Nonetheless I know he will be quiet and somber today. I think I know some parts of him pretty well. That will be good for me. It’ll help me stay away.

 

I’m afraid to know what replies from this post will be. Because you’re all so insightful with such great advice. And your words have helped me move along and be hopeful and I feel like every small progress I made has now been thrown out. I wish I’d never met this man. He is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t I know myself around him.

[Imajerk17]

{snip}

I’m afraid to know what replies from this post will be. Because you’re all so insightful with such great advice. And your words have helped me move along and be hopeful and I feel like every small progress I made has now been thrown out. I wish I’d never met this man. He is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t I know myself around him.

 

All I see here in this post is your focus on your pain. You make yourself sound like the victim, when in fact you are the one who is inflicting the pain on innocent others. The one I feel horrible for, is your poor H. And I also feel bad for your children too.

 

Thing is, your entire family is living a lie right now, you're the only one who knows it though. THAT should be what should really be upsetting you.

 

Time for you to start to put things right. Maybe you should just be straight up w your family? I mean what you are doing now--trying to self-medicate via the forum---is clearly not working. They also deserve to know what is going on.

Edited March 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
snipped ~T

[Eight]

And he gazed into my eyes and held my hand. And i melted. I suddenly forgot that my heart was broken. I ate up all of it. Breadcrumbs.

 

He asked me to meet him in another quiet room. And I recall standing outside of the room before walking in, knowing that this was my make or break moment. I knew I should have NEVER walked into that room. But I did and he asked me what should he do. I told him he needed to keep doing what he is doing and just let me go. And he told me how hard it has been for him. And I finally gave in and told him how hard it is for me.

 

And I fell into his trap. He’s so good at what he does. His words. His gazes. And I’m so ridiculously stupid. Why did he do this? What did he get out of it? And why is it so hard for me to resist it? I can’t imagine manipulating someone’s emotions for my own benefit. So I realize he is a narcissist. And I’m completely taken aback at how people like him walk around this earth with no remorse, no empathy. Should I feel sorry for him? Should I feel sorry for myself?

 

So working with him is going to be difficult for me. Because I’m obviously very weak. And he knows this. Tonight I know him. He’ll be quiet. He said to me last night how he knows he’s difficult. And he talked long and in depth about his horrible childhood and how he knows who he is is a reflection of those experiences. He said his dad taught him that women were nothing and he said he closes off because he’s frightened of the pain of being let down and heartbroken. So I know that either after spilling his heart on the floor to me that he’ll retract back into his shell. Or maybe they were all words to reel me back in to feed his ego. And I bit that line. Nonetheless I know he will be quiet and somber today. I think I know some parts of him pretty well. That will be good for me. It’ll help me stay away.

 

You didn't "Fall into his trap" I mean; you are a grown woman. Come on now. You are making choices akin to a love-struck romance novel reading teenager. Stop. Just stop. What you feel isn't love.

 

You aren't "in love" with him. I will venture to guess that you are more in love with the feeling of being in love than the object of your desire.

 

Let me say that again so it sinks in.

 

You are more in love with the feeling of being in love than the object of your desire.

 

Afterall, you can't respect him after what you say you know about him.

 

You continue to make choices to feel this way because you like it. You use the excuse that you are "weak" so you can keep making the same choices. Getting the ego boost from him. You aren't "weak" and he doesn't hold some special magical power over you. His gazes? Come. On. Excuses.

 

How about acting with some integrity and making choices that are different? Start owning your actions at least.

 

It's one thing to say I'm having an affair because I'm choosing to do so and it's another to say I'm having an affair because I'm too weak to stop it. The later is just adding insult to injury.

 

It't not always easy to do the right thing. But it's the first step in regaining your self-respect and integrity back. This "I'm too weak" excuse is pathetic.

[grass-hopper]

This is true. I accept your words.

 

I know I haven’t said much or anything about my M. We are in the process of separating. I didn’t tell H about the A. That is not why we are separating. Either my unhappy marriage pushed me to get into an A or my A pushed me into realizing how unhappy we are in this marriage. Nonetheless that is a whole other issue I’m dealing with.

 

I AM being a huge victim in all of this. In the affair. In my failed marriage. In many aspects of my life. I see that.

[Eight]

Okay so I found your thread regarding your husband being an alcoholic and apparently unwilling to get help/recoginze how his drinking is affecting your lives.

 

You are obviously dealing with a lot of difficult issues; and I think this sheds more light on perhaps the choices you have made regarding this other man.

 

In a way, both you and your husband have the same issue; looking to fill an empty space inside with something external. His is alcohol; yours is the attention/affection of another man.

 

You are dealing with your marriage issues, your husband's drinking and you've added another man/affair to the already heavy mix. Not to mention dealing with your own life path and your future and your children's lives. Why drag the dead weight of this OM with you as you move forward? He can offer you nothing but hurt in the long run.

 

If you are in the process of separating, choose yourself first, and your children next. Work on sorting all of that out without adding more suffering to your life. Think of the OM as poison. Everytime you see him, see him as poison. He will slowly kill you; emotionally, spiritually.

 

You need You right now. More than ever. You just need to put yourself first in a healthy manner. You deserve it. You deserve healthy love. You are worth it.

[grass-hopper]

I mean what you are doing now--trying to self-medicate via the forum---is clearly not working.

 

I agree with this. I am looking for sympathy in a situation that I clearly put myself in. I am not taking ownership for my own self Inflicted pain. I am blaming MM. I’m quite sure in my own head I have vilified my H. But I have to understand that I walked into this and I keep walking into it. And I don’t understand why. Someone told me they possibly do it because they feel it’s all they have to hold onto. Maybe this is all I think I have left.

 

I started IC 4 months ago. I wish it was a quick fix. But it’s a process and I feel I have suffered many set backs. All out of my own making.

 

Imajerk, I believe your quote is “you’ll thank me for saying that later”. I do thank you for your unforgiving words. It’s not easy to hear. It’s easier to read those replies understand where I’m coming from and how I feel. Because I feel alone in this. But true harsh reality is also needed.

 

I don’t know how to get there. But I will keep trying. Because I do want out of this. And I clearly thought I was out when he stopped and told me it was ending. And it was painful as hell. And it’s even more painful to be played and fed lies that sound really great like he’s stringing me along.

 

Eight. MM has been poison to me. He has emotionally and spiritually killed me. He is dead weight. I realize that. And I keep allowing him in. I do need to work on me. I just wish I knew how to get there quicker. It was you who sent me a link To the elephant journal. She wrote that it was necessary to lean into the pain. I keep trying to avoid it. But as others have said on here I need to walk through it.

 

I worked again with MM. and every word he gave me the night prior he took away last night. He was cruel and cold in his actions. Completely different from the man the previous night who’d said so many things that were loving and caring. And I’m glad he was that way. It helped me to realize I can work with him being that way and I will get through it. And it helped me to see who he is. But I already know it.

My next hurdle is how I will handle him next time he decides he needs an ego boost from me.

[misspalmy]

im not in the afair now but i have a son to him. his wife making things hard. she should just leave if she cant handle it.told her i dont want be with a cheater

[jah526]

GH, I can identify with what you said about being kind. It’s a really difficult thing to turn your back on someone. But you should ask yourself if you’re truly being kind by continuing to engage with him. Are you being kind to his wife? To yourself? Maybe you think you’re being kind to him, but you are just helping him to run from his own issues.

 

You’re in a burning building. Just get yourself out and keep resisting the impulse to run back in. Eventually that impulse will subside. It did for me.