Question for those who got out of the affair

[What_Did_I_Do]

GH, great you are starting to understand that you have to look inward. It's so painful.

 

Here's something that may help you on your journey out of this A. Your kids. If I could add up the seconds, minutes, hours, days that my mind was on HIM and the time I spent with him and not being present in my own life, watching my kids grow up, that 'absence' - of my own choosing - is absolutely heart shattering. Way more than the pain of ending an A. GH, this is time we will NEVER get back. All those moments with our kids missed and gone forever. And for what?

 

Like JAH said, save you and your kids from that burning building.

[pianomanwoman]

Dear Grass Hopper

 

Yes, the pain goes away. You are going to feel very foolish too. The Married partner, sometimes comes back to see "how you are doing" but don't fall into that. They already have someone else. I got over my MM by reading your posts late at night over and over, by keeping on Loveshack and seeing if there was any hope to stay with my MM.

 

Two weeks ago, (we didn't even make it to one year affair) I ended it. Two weeks before that he asked me "what I wanted to talk about" and I gave him an ultimatum.

It really helped that the next song played for us, while we were ehm, "talking":bunny: was "Set me free why don't you babe" By Diana Ross! Both of us failed to smile at that, we just listened to the end of the song and he jumped up at 1 am to answer his phone and say "I have to go, a friends' wife needs my help, its an emergency"!!!???

 

I really loved him, and loved breaking up with him. I didn't expect him to want to stay with me anymore. I'm sure he is hurting too, but I had to escape so that I could "move on" (his words). Now, I have read some of the other posts to you, and I agree that its not so bad to be without my married boyfriend. I look at him as any other ex, except that I was ghosted by him and taken advantage of by him, which is not someone who loved me would do. So the pain of losing him is no different, but I know I will heal from going with him, and I know that he will not really come back. Its just the kind of closure you need. I wish you success in love.

[BourneWicked]

Grass-hopper I appreciate that it's tough to get out. I understand that. There is distance in my situation, which has been my saving grace. I hope the inconsistency in his actions are helping you get to a point where you value yourself enough not to put up with it anymore.

 

There's a cycle to this roller coaster when you work with them. I feel almost completely healed over the weekend, and every Monday the bandaid gets ripped off. But like I said... it's becoming less and less. Seems the wound is slowly scabbing over. I wish I could remember the feeling of nonchalance i manage to acquire over the weekend when we're back in the work environment together.

 

There is one more major hurdle I face where I will have to deal with him in person in a couple months. If I can get through that with my integrity intact, I feel I will be that much closer to a place where he's in the forgotten realm of other exes, no more than a memory.

 

Anyway, I appreciate the posts on here. The reminders why this is not, nor likely ever will be, a valid relationship help me to move on. I think the worst thing I can possibly do is romanticize this because that allows it to go on indefinitely. It's not a romance; it's some married guy who wants action on the side. Well, it might have been more than that, but whatever it is certainly isn't enough to do anything more than make me miserable.

 

I'm doing pretty well right now. Try to dodge the rollercoaster tomorrow. The job hunt continues.

 

A quote from a random documentary on: "The amazing thing about humans is that we can compartmentalize, and compartmentalize, in a way that hides from ourselves the bad things that we are doing."

[Vivir]

I agree with this. I am looking for sympathy in a situation that I clearly put myself in. I am not taking ownership for my own self Inflicted pain. I am blaming MM. I’m quite sure in my own head I have vilified my H. But I have to understand that I walked into this and I keep walking into it. And I don’t understand why. Someone told me they possibly do it because they feel it’s all they have to hold onto. Maybe this is all I think I have left.

 

You know, a few months ago, I fell and physically injured myself. The fall was accidental, but I exacerbated my injury by continuing to walk, work, jog, etc. on my foot PLUS I just about refused to go to the doctor UNTIL I had no choice but to do so... There were consequences for these actions, and I spent about six weeks on short term disability, unable to work or do my regular exercises. I was miserable, because I have been conditioned to believe that my identity is nothing without being a productive member of society. But there was nothing I could do but use my time as wisely as I could.

 

It was my own fault that I fell. It was my own fault that my injury became worse. Still, I didn't have people kicking me while I was down, and if they had I might've cursed them out regardless of the circumstances. I'm just being honest.

 

So, falling is not akin to an affair, and when affairs happen, quite a few people get hurt. But these dynamics are similar. It's my fault, so I, too, was not a so-called victim. Still, the pain was there (I had a fracture!), and I couldn't do anything but do what the doctor told me to do in order to heal so I could get back to doing what I wanted and needed to do (work and exercise) in order to live my life the way I want to live it.

 

Your pain is real and because you feel it, it is valid. Whether or not that makes you a victim is moot. It doesn't mean that other people's pain doesn't matter. You still have to look out for you, because you are your top priority. You are trying to ease your suffering. Yeah, okay, you caused that suffering. And?

 

We all make mistakes of some sort and get ourselves in hot water, and some of us do so repeatedly. We deal with things in our own way and in our own time. It's taking you time to heal. You are the only one who can pull yourself out of this. You have sought out help. When you're ready, it will happen. When you're doing better, perhaps you can focus on the pain of others. Maybe you disagree. And that's OK too.

 

Grasshopper, I hope that you have shared with your counselor how you're hoping that IC will be a quick fix. I have stopped going a couple of times because it seemed to me that the therapist's goals didn't correlate with mine. I hope that you're discussing your fears in IC like you do here, so that this professional can offer you additional suggestions or modify your therapy.

 

You will have to put in the hard work though. There is NO WAY around this. If you hide your head in the sand, the problem will still be there when you come up for air. For me, the issues that let me think an affair was OK were still there after I terminated the affair (and I had become even more afraid of them while in the affair). The things you are afraid to face, start playing those scenarios out in your head in an effort to determine how you should deal with them in real life before they happen. It might help.

Edited March 12, 2018 by Vivir

[grass-hopper]

I keep coming back and reading everyone’s replies. And for a fleeting moment I feel ok. I feel determined that I will get through this. It helps to read how you all articulate your pain, your emotions and your stories. It helps me to try and understand my own emotions. I helps to know that you were once where I am now but you’ve overcome.

 

But it comes back. It comes back hard. As guilt. Today I feel guilty. Today I feel to blame. Today I feel responsible for my M. Today I feel like a horrible person. Today I feel deserving of all the pain I am bearing. And I think it’s important that I realize my faults in all of this and it’s important I take responsibility for how I feel. I just wish it wasn’t so overwhelming. I have been feeling this way for a while. It seems like maybe I fall back into the BS I get from MM for a relief from that despair. I need to recognize that each time I allow myself to fall back in, I’m only digging myself in deeper. Because it always ends up the same. He gives me a little and then takes a whole lot back and I’m back at square one.

 

I’ve read many stories on LS and posts where others have felt in despair and they have felt almost suicidal and I never understood being there. Please don’t take me wrong, I don’t feel suicidal but I feel a horrible sense of depression and anxiety and despair in this. And everyone gives great advice, sometimes i just don’t feel as strong as most of you. But I’ll keep walking forward. It’s all I can do.

[treehugger12]

The only way for your heart to start healing is to go complete NC, you know deep down you need to do this. You need to do this for yourself. I wish you all the luck, I know it’s painful...

[ice3784]

same here, the relationship is giving me so much pain im so ready to let him go. at the moment we are on and off, and finally, he moved out as he take me as a threat to his potential new OW. i also felt like i love him less despite his effort to always hoover me back every time we break up. he was insecure and always accuse me of having someone new, but, its just a reflection of what he was doing outside. the pain will fade away. i do miss him, i do miss the days when we are so loving, i do miss the thrill, but it all turn to hate when i think that he was doing the same to another person. i felt like im just one of his toys. and the feeling of love gone so fast. u will be stronger. right now im open, and i cant wait for my real prince charm to come.

[Poppy47]

This is true. I accept your words.

 

I know I haven’t said much or anything about my M. We are in the process of separating. I didn’t tell H about the A. That is not why we are separating. Either my unhappy marriage pushed me to get into an A or my A pushed me into realizing how unhappy we are in this marriage. Nonetheless that is a whole other issue I’m dealing with.

 

I AM being a huge victim in all of this. In the affair. In my failed marriage. In many aspects of my life. I see that.

 

Nothing pushed you Grasshopper. You appear to be avoiding one issue by creating another.

Poppy.

[Ahurtgirl]

I think I will always love my exMM. It's messed up because he turned about to be a horrible person but I still have a place for him in my heart. We have actually talked here and there again. He has a new AP and has also managed to do what he needed to do to win his wife back. Yes, he begged her, cried, pleaded, and became the man he needed her to be after our affair came to light. He'll now always be a cheater but he's really good at luring his women in. His wife has also become more of the woman he needs her to be so he's a very happy man.

Feelings never really go away but for the most part I have forgotten that we ever had a five year daily affair. It's as if it never happened in my mind.

[Scoutjr]

I think I will always love my exMM. It's messed up because he turned about to be a horrible person but I still have a place for him in my heart. We have actually talked here and there again. He has a new AP and has also managed to do what he needed to do to win his wife back. Yes, he begged her, cried, pleaded, and became the man he needed her to be after our affair came to light. He'll now always be a cheater but he's really good at luring his women in. His wife has also become more of the woman he needs her to be so he's a very happy man.

Feelings never really go away but for the most part I have forgotten that we ever had a five year daily affair. It's as if it never happened in my mind.

 

How did you get there? I'm still angry at him. How did ex-MM turn out to be horrible and why do you still love him? I'm just curious. Not judging!

[Vivir]

Grass-hopper,

 

Not everyone has overcome. Not yet. Sure, some have. The rest of us though... we are in varying degrees of healing. When I was sick in the thickness of it, perhaps where you are, I read all over this forum -- hundreds of pages into the past. I would pick random titles to read or search for key words related to how I felt at the moment: anger, despair, sadness, jealousy, depression, etc. The posts were there with those words in the titles. I read them all, and some had several pages of responses. I read them all! And I read especially when I felt very bad.

 

I just wish it wasn’t so overwhelming. I have been feeling this way for a while. It seems like maybe I fall back into the BS I get from MM for a relief from that despair. I need to recognize that each time I allow myself to fall back in, I’m only digging myself in deeper. Because it always ends up the same. He gives me a little and then takes a whole lot back and I’m back at square one.

 

The bolded is incredible insight on your part, Grass-hopper. To stop myself from doing that, I really had to realize that the push-pull was making ME worse and then I had to sit down and hold myself back from engaging. Of course, it helped when he wasn't engaging, too, but -- I mean, sometimes, my despair had me screaming and crying and throwing things and cursing at the air... I did (and sometimes still do, but for different reasons) wonder whether my life is one worth living. Not sure if that made or makes me suicidal, but I have considered it. I became a lot meaner and angrier, and I am even bitter now although I am trying hard to reverse this. I am in a much better place now, but I am not like I was pre-affair, and I still feel that I have a very long way to go to become better (i.e., less angry and with a *real* high level of self-love, not fake it til you make it self-love).

 

But I’ll keep walking forward. It’s all I can do.

 

Gosh, Grass-hopper, that's all you can do

Another member said recently (and I am definitely paraphrasing) that if you can get through this day, this day will be done and you won't have to go through this day again... Time moves us along whether we want it to or not.

Keep walking forward, just like you plan.

One day, you'll get to where you're going!

[ENFPgirl]

Unfortunately, my ex was not only married, but a narcissist. Lucky me. We were together in the same town for the first year, then I moved. I hate the person I had become with him: Jealous, Insecure, Needy. I hated that I was a cheater. He had convinced me (wait- correction-) I HAD ALLOWED him to convinced me that what we were doing was out of some wonderful magical love. It was all lies. I broke up with him in a moment of jealousy and went NC but missed him terribly. He called a month later and I took him back. But it was short lived. Three months later, I decided I couldn't be the other woman anymore. He reluctantly agreed and I added that being friends would be difficult for me. He said that we don't have to be enemies. We can be friends. Against my better judgement I said, "Okay." two weeks later, I was insecure again about one of his reactions to something. It was really not that big of a deal, but the problem was, I was still operating emotionally (as was he) that we were together. blah blah. Well, the next day he didn't answer my call or text until much later. He finally text me that evening and said basically that he can't deal with me and that he loves me more than I can imagine but he has to take a break from me to salvage the little left of our friendship. He ended it with "I'll always love you!" My response? Wow.okay. Then I went NC. I deleted my apps that I used to talk to him and just let that go. That was Tuesday. Not even a week. My friends say, he did that so HE could end the relationship on his terms. True Narcissistic fashion. Things end on his terms. Wish I would have stuck to my guns about not being friends. Ladies, if you are in a relationship with a married man. RUN don't walk. It will never end well. Retain your dignity and get your own man. Any man who won't or doesn't encourage you to be an honest woman, is not a good man. I wish you all the courage to leave. <3

[Vivir]

My friends say, he did that so HE could end the relationship on his terms.

 

RUN don't walk. It will never end well.... Any man who won't or doesn't encourage you to be an honest woman, is not a good man. I wish you all the courage to leave. <3

 

ENFPgirl, I love the bolded! Sage advice!

 

And I agree with your friends. I don't know about whether a person is an actual narcissist, but it seems that too many people have narcissistic tendencies

Also, people want "the upper hand" or want to "save face" so they will do whatever they can to make it appear that things are going the way they want them to. It seems to me that even people who don't have narcissistic tendencies are inclined to do this. In your case, things had to end on his terms. And your response is akin to saying, "Fine, so long as this affair is finished!" That means, you won't ever let him weasel his way back in - not ever.

 

And that's awesome. One week down. Stay strong!

[grass-hopper]

how I felt at the moment: anger, despair, sadness, jealousy, depression, etc.

 

-- I mean, sometimes, my despair had me screaming and crying and throwing things and cursing at the air... I did (and sometimes still do, but for different reasons) wonder whether my life is one worth living.

 

I don’t like who I’ve become. These words describe me perfectly: anger, despair, sadness, jealousy, depression. If I’m not on a roller coaster of these emotions, I’m living in guilt and shame.

 

I honestly don’t know how to crawl out of it.

 

Months ago I started IC. And my therapist asked “are you happy?” I confidently answered “yes”. But I have come to realize, I’ve never been more unhappy. And this is due to this affair I have allowed to happen. In it, it has exposed the worst about me. I have discovered that I’ve been living a lie in my marriage for longer than this affair has been going on. The worst part is I just can’t seem to let it go. It still consumes me. And I go back to the question for those that got out of the affair— how did you ever get out of it in one piece? how did you find peace? How did you forgive yourself?

[CatMinx]

He finally did something so unforgivably cruel that I snapped. I cried for a week straight and then forced myself out of bed and back into the real world. I just faked it until the pain started waning. It still hurts sometimes but it’s more of a distant pain. I know he is wrong for me, married or not (he’s not anymore, for reasons unrelated to the affair). He has not tried to get me back (that I’m aware of..he’s blocked everywhere) but if he does, he will get an earful.

 

This was a few years ago. I’m still working on forgiving myself, but I am now in a healthy relationship with a single man.

 

Honestly the only way to get over it is to face the pain head on and power through.

[Vivir]

I think that sometimes the written words seem so simple...

 

It takes time.

Anger, despair, sadness, jealousy, depression... these written words do not encapsulate the dire and heartbreaking feelings that any of us were feeling or still feel. When it has just happened in the very recent past, it feels like those feelings will NEVER go away. And when you start to feel better, those thoughts never truly go away - they return... they wax and wane. You ask How could I have done this? And everything feels so hollow...

 

I don’t like who I’ve become. These words describe me perfectly: anger, despair, sadness, jealousy, depression. If I’m not on a roller coaster of these emotions, I’m living in guilt and shame.

 

I honestly don’t know how to crawl out of it.

 

I still feel guilt and shame - especially shame, but I began crawling out by defining these terms and really understanding the differences between the two. So many people use them interchangeably. Brene Brown's books and interviews helped with that. I identified why I felt guilt. I identified why I felt shame. For me, my shame is greater than my guilt.

 

Months ago I started IC. And my therapist asked “are you happy?” I confidently answered “yes”. But I have come to realize, I’ve never been more unhappy. And this is due to this affair I have allowed to happen. In it, it has exposed the worst about me. I have discovered that I’ve been living a lie in my marriage for longer than this affair has been going on. The worst part is I just can’t seem to let it go. It still consumes me. And I go back to the question for those that got out of the affair— how did you ever get out of it in one piece? how did you find peace? How did you forgive yourself?

 

This is going to come across as oversimplified... but we stop living a lie when we start to tell the truth. They say the truth will set you free!

You recognize that you have been living a lie. What are you going to do about it? Start by telling yourself your truth. It can be hard. As you get more comfortable telling yourself the truth, it will become easier to tell others the truth. They may not like to hear the truth, however... but again... and I do believe it to be true that the truth will set you free!

 

You'll work through your thoughts and feelings, Grass-hopper. It takes time. It is a process. You will let it go little by little as you process everything.

 

This was a few years ago. I’m still working on forgiving myself....

Honestly the only way to get over it is to face the pain head on and power through.

 

Absolutely agree with CatMinx here. She is still working towards forgiving herself YEARS later! I have struggled with this, too. I invested in a coaching session just to learn about forgiveness (consider the GoAskSuzie website)! I was closed off to it at first, because I felt that it was geared towards married people (like yourself), but in the end, the coaching sessions really did help me to turn a corner.

 

It really hurts, I know, Grass-hopper. But CatMinx is right. It will not serve you to "hide" from this terrible pain. Face it head on. Walk through the fire.

 

And for some comfort to you, I have a song:

 

Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now"