First Post... I'm the OW

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, you are getting some AMAZINGLY GOOD ADVICE on your thread. Please take heed!

[Cymbeline]

You are dating a man-boy with mummy issues. He is almost certainly resentful of his competent, successful partner for whatever reason.

 

He is acting out this resentment passive aggressively by having a secret affair. Passive aggressiveness and resentment are behaviours characteristic of emotionally immature people. How will this play out in his treatment of you?

 

If his wife finds out he may keep seeing you behind her back to continue the punishment. He will almost certainly unconsciously encourage and enjoy any punishment or anger she hands out.

 

This is happening outside of his conscious awareness. You are the third corner of the triangle. If it gets out it really won’t be exciting any more

 

. Betrayal of trust is really very very damaging to the betrayed, psychologically and physically. It is an attack on the vulnerability we offer when we trust. If we are complicit in betrayal , we add a little bit to the misery and callousness of life and give nothing to the best that is in us or others.

[wmacbride]

If you want a sneak peek into this guys personality and what your future holds, you don't need a crystal ball. All you need is to see how he treats his wife.

 

Someone who goes behind their spouse's back, and more than once at that, who brings his dalliances to the home he shares with his wife, is a lech. Pure and simple. He will treat you no better than he treats her, and I would bet that you aren't his only " extra curricular activity". My guess is that he's like a little boy who feels like he's getting one over on his "mommy" by sneaking around behind her back. If so, his behavior is more about his needs and ego than any affection for you. If he gets caught, he'll throw you under the bus and you'll become the woman who chased him and wouldn't leave him alone. He'll be fine with seeing you go down inflames if it means he can save his sorry @ss.

 

I know you feel this is all just fun and there are no strings attached...but ask yourself this. How would you feel if he cut off contacting you today? Would you feel "meh,it was fun while it lasted" or woudl you start to feel a panicky feeling, wondering what was wrong and if you would hear from him again? Would you wonder if he had been caught and your career was in peril?

 

If this really is just about sex and distraction, there are lots of single guys out there who would love that kind of relationship, and it would come without the emotional and career risks to you. Is this married guy really with losing your career and having your heart broken?

[MsJayne]

Snowbunny, I stupidly got involved with a MM a few years ago, a very similar situation to yours, the marriage was supposedly over in all but appearances. He was too gutless to face off with his bossy, controlling wife over issues that were making him angry and depressed, so instead he got back at her by carrying on with other women behind her back. The worst scenario played out. His wife found out, she threw him out of their family home, his three adult kids refused to speak to him, and then the wife decided she wanted a divorce and the money and assets fight started. He often said to me, "She'll get that house over my dead body". And she did. When the family court ruled that she would retain the family home, and that he would continue to keep her in the lifestyle she was accustomed to, (a massive amount of spousal support per year), he decided suicide was the answer. Obviously most affairs don't end so tragically, but my point is that had I stuck to my personal moral code, (like you I was having a bad moment in my life), I wouldn't have got involved with a MM in the first place, let alone been part of such a horrible tragedy.

Affairs and cheating are always sordid and grubby. You can conduct an affair in the penthouse suite of the most expensive hotel and toast it with the most expensive champagne, but it will always be cheap and nasty.

[sandylee1]

Let him put his hands in his pocket and pay for a hotel. ..or does he think you're so cheap you aren't even worth the cost of a hotel room.

 

Even then she could have a PI tailing him..but it's less risky.

[imsosad]

I very much doubt this marriage is over. If it were, she wouldn't be bothering to check up on him. If she still expects fidelity, the marriage is on and there is most likely sex involved.

I think his affair with you is not about you at all. It is a part of his game with her, and he is using you as a pawn is their marriage.

It seems to me like you got yourself involved with a coward, who can't handle his marriage and can't deal with his succesful wife. Instead, he stoops as low as it gets and has random girlfriends over when she's out of town.

You are mistaken if you think this about you and his inability to control himself around you. He wants his wife's attention and approval and like a toddler, he's throwing a tantrum, just waiting to get caught.

You would be a complete fool to jepordize your carreer. Cancel the plane ticket and rethink this whole situation from the start.

[whatcomesnext]

Everything Sarahhurts posted is exactly what it feels like. A total loss of control and power imbalance. Your entire life is in a state of suspended animation and he has all the power. And if you think the pain and withdrawal of addiction are bad waiting to hear from him, wait until you stop hearing from him completely. The decisions are all his and you will never be able to get the time, energy, love, power that you gave him back. You can keep pulling the lever, but the payoff is never coming. Only more debt in the form of your sanity, self-esteem, and emotional and psychological well-being. And you‘ll have to work through it all by yourself. He certainly won’t care about helping you.

Edited February 19, 2018 by whatcomesnext

[Arieswoman]

snowbunny 22,

 

BS here, whose exH cheated and slept with his AP in the matrimonal bed.

 

No judgement ( I know you said that you didn't do this but you stayed in their house) but please be aware that you are playing a dangerous game.

 

His wife is a super powerful woman and she could ruin me and my career if she ever found out.

 

I can tell you right now that if I had caught my exH and his AP together I would have ripped him a new one and made sure that her face had been rearranged.

 

Please extract your head from wherever you have it placed and seriously ask yourself if blowing your career and reputation to $h!£r@g$ is worth rubbing genitals with this guy for 15/20 mins ?

[Southwardbound]

{snip}

 

His wife is gone again next week and today I booked my ticket to go see him for two nights. At their house again. It'll be the longest we've spent together. I worry about getting caught though. His wife is a super powerful woman and she could ruin me and my career if she ever found out. I know she is aware he has been unfaithful in the past because she's always checking in on him.

 

That being said, I don't think I'm to the point where I really care about the consequences. And I know how dangerous that it. I also feel like I'm different than the others posting here because I really don't want MM to leave his wife for me. That's not my intention. I have some **** going on in my life right now and the attention and distraction is what I crave. The sex is amazing too. We have this great physical and emotional relationship going on and that's it. He constantly tells me that I mean more to him than just sex (yes I know this is probably just a line).

 

Anyway, I don't know if I have a question or am looking for advice but that's my story. I think the real reason for me finally posting and reaching out is because next week is kind of scaring me. I'm more excited than worried about getting caught but still. Anyone have anything to say to all this? Thanks for reading.

 

I'm guessing by having you in his house means, he wants to be caught. Maybe this is an exit affair for him?

 

If he was wanting a long term affair, he wouldn't do it in his house with you. He doesn't respect her, and he doesn't respect you, either by bringing you there. Maybe once, but numerous times? No.

 

As an OW - no way would I go into what is 'her' house. It's just a signal that he has no intention of building a long term relationship with you.

 

Although, I sometimes wonder if men do that initially, as a way of bragging to their OW to show them, the status of the man, in terms of what kind of life he can provide for his partner. My OM did when we first started going back out, suggest I should come visit him at his house, when his BS was out of town. He showed me pictures of each room, outside, etc. telling me how nice his house was. I put it all down to bragging - to tell me what I missed by not marrying him long ago. But, I flat out told him, that he was being disrespectful to her & I would not visit him there. He has a separate flat for us. She never goes there. And I've told him, I don't want her there, either.

 

Workplace romances put both of you at risk from losing your jobs. Especially, if it is, an exit affair, she finds out, then gets vindictive. If you want to keep on doing this with him, then I suggest you start looking to safeguard your longterm employment prospects by seeking a job elsewhere. If the BS notifies Human Resources - you could both lose your jobs. And stop meeting in 'her' house. Nothing good will come of that.

Edited February 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Veronica73]

Having you at their house if really effing slimy. I mean, yeah, having an affair is a huge betrayal. But having an affair in her home. Wow. That’s really horrible and cruel.

[justanotheroneofyou]

meh--there's an awful lot of exegesis going on about his motives--abandoned child, mommy complex, mommy guilt, showboating, feeling titillated at the thought of being caught pants down (no pun intended) . . .

 

I think it's a lot simpler. Lazy and disrespectful man who thinks it's rather convenient to meet up at his place. Maybe he didn't put much thought into it.

 

Still, stay away. Without getting into the ethics, let's just say it's going to be super uncomfortable being on high alert.

 

heck--I'm home alone in my own house out in the woods and every sound is making me a bit anxious and putting me on alert because it's sort of new.

[Grapesofwrath]

OP: I am curious...who is paying for the plane tickets for this visit? If it is you, then let's add to the situation that your MM is a cheap exploiter who can't even be bothered to cover the cost of your airfare for this activity.

 

If you plan to spend 2 days in their home, there is a high likelihood that 1) you will be in their bed. 2) Neighbors will see/hear you 3) you will leave behind some evidence. It is likely you will be going out to eat or get food, which again raises the possibility of being seen by people who know his wife. It's as if he is hoping to get caught to maximize the damage done to everyone.

 

The fact that he is inviting you to engage in this scenario shows that he is a sadist with absolutely zero regard for his wife, or you. This is a man with serious character issues. I would run away as quickly as possible. This is not going anywhere good. You are young and can put this behind you. My advice is to do so right away, learn from the experience, and never repeat it.

Edited February 21, 2018 by Grapesofwrath

[darkmoon]

all it takes is one strand of your hair to be found, or a lil waft of your aroma to be detected...

 

and what for? your ruin? you sound a tad self-destructive

[Vivir]

Perhaps it is time for a cost/benefit analysis of this affair, snowbunny22. Or if not the entire affair, then this trip in particular.

 

Is he really worth all that you stand to lose if you're found out?

[l8estnews]

NO judgement here as well, and believe me, I understand why you're with him. But girl, in their house? Really? That's a new level of effed up. It doesn't need to be in their bed. You being with him is wrong in so many levels already but doing it in THEIR home is brutal for the woman.

 

I will not tell you what to do since I am pretty sure you already know what is the right thing to do. But what I beg you for as a random stranger in this forum is DO NOT step in their home ever again

[Sarahhurts]

How are you doing Snowbunny?

 

Remember we are here to support.