Stuck in limbo

[Livinginlimbo101]

Hi everyone, longtime lurker, first time poster. I'll try to be short and to the point.

 

I am in my mid twenties and my boyfriend is approaching his 30th. We've been together for the past 5 years. We are engaged, sort of. We were engaged, I broke it off and then we were on and off for about a year. Now we're back together . We lived together for 3 years before I broke it off.

 

Problem is, he's generally a nice guy. But he had some flaws which I can't seem to move past. He is not very affectionate. He gets upset at me for the simplest of things which leads to me retaliating and then we have very horrible fights. No hitting but we say hurtful things to each other. I have explained to him that I really wish we could talk about our issues like adults instead of the cursing and verbally abusing each other. I have tried to be rational in our disagreements but he doesn't so it ends up getting blown right up over very minor issues.

 

I don't know if I love him anymore. The fights has killed the attraction. I feel something for him but theres no passion. We're supposed to get married end of this year. We currently do not live together as I'm in another country furthering my studies.

 

Last year when we broke up, which I thought was for good that time. I started seeing another guy but ended it shortly because I realized I wasn't ready for another relationship. He found out, got mad but still wanted to get back together. He says I cheated on him but I don't agree. Now I can't live it down. He brings it up every chance he gets. I told him it was a one time thing and it only happened because I thought we were over for good and that he needs to let it go. It's almost been a year since then.

 

So now coupled with his old behaviour and him constantly bringing up how I apparently cheated, I don't know if I want to stay in this relationship. Plus there's just no passion, how can we enter into a marriage like this. What will become of us a few years into the marriage if we're already at the plain passion less stage?

 

5 years is a lot to give up. I'm working on my career and I was hoping that by now I'll be married and start growing my own family. Now I feel like I'm getting too old and I'll probably need a new husband anyway. So I should just cut my boyfriend loose and start over.

 

I want him to be happy and to be with a woman who completely loves him. And I want the same for me. He's a really caring, generous and kind man. He's a good man but I just don't think he's the good guy for me.

 

Advice please, maybe from someone who has been in my situation? Should I try for the umpteenth time to work things out or just let him go?

Edited February 18, 2018 by Livinginlimbo101

[MidwestUSA]

Five years is nothing to give up. You're in your mid twenties; you have plenty of time.

 

Imagine being married, oh, 15 - 20 years, and your situation is exactly as it is now, except with a couple of kids. He's not the 'good guy for you', and you know it. He's not going to change.

 

Take it from someone who stuck it out for 17 years (at least 10 years too long). Get out now. Start over. Focus on your career. It may open up paths to meeting someone who IS your good guy.

 

Get out now. Best of luck!

[Livinginlimbo101]

Five years is nothing to give up. You're in your mid twenties; you have plenty of time.

 

Imagine being married, oh, 15 - 20 years, and your situation is exactly as it is now, except with a couple of kids. He's not the 'good guy for you', and you know it. He's not going to change.

 

Take it from someone who stuck it out for 17 years (at least 10 years too long). Get out now. Start over. Focus on your career. It may open up paths to meeting someone who IS your good guy.

 

Get out now. Best of luck!

 

Thank you Midwest. We're currently not talking. We had a fight, I was telling him how I just don't feel like he knows me or gets me. As usual, it blew up and ended with him blocking me. A part of me feels like to just use this opportunity to permanently break up wit him.

[sandylee1]

The problems you see now will only get worse. Especially if/when you get pregnant. This type of abuse escalates during pregnancy...because the man knows you'll try and make it work...therefore take more crap.

 

PLEASE... get out of this relationship now. He doesn't sound like a very good man.

 

Coparenting with him would be a nightmare. Don't tie yourself to him for life....a child would pretty much do that.

 

You're young and can leave this behind...too many people continue in bad relationships...because of time invested.

 

Sunken cost fallacy

 

The Sunk Cost Fallacy. The Misconception: You make rational decisions based on the future value of objects, investments and experiences. The Truth: Your decisions are tainted by the emotional investments you accumulate, and the more you invest in something the harder it becomes to abandon it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Living, on reading your OP the first thing that strikes me is that your Fiance, at 30 comes across as more immature than you in your mid twenties. To me that looks like a major red flag waving wildly in the wind. As others have said at this point you do not have much invested in this relationship except that you have probably wasted five years on it. I would say those five years are not wasted as this whole relationship has been a learning process for you. Be thankful that you have not already tied the knot. Just tell him that you have made up your mind and there is no changing it. He has blocked you so you use the opportunity to return the favour but keep him blocked. If your reading of him is correct then he will find someone else who can make him happy although that remains to be seen. As some are won't to say on this forum "Run Forrest run"! Warm wishes.

Edited February 18, 2018 by Just a Guy

[standtall]

100% show him the door and don't look back. You said that there are a couple of things about him you cannot move past....unless you accept them, then any future marriage is guaranteed to fail. You can do better...even if it would be your first marriage and some future husbands second...there are a lot of fish.

[MidwestUSA]

Thank you Midwest. We're currently not talking. We had a fight, I was telling him how I just don't feel like he knows me or gets me. As usual, it blew up and ended with him blocking me. A part of me feels like to just use this opportunity to permanently break up wit him.

 

Looks like a golden opportunity to me.

 

Seriously, he's at his best right now, it's all downhill from here. A couple more years of you two going at it, and I wouldn't be shocked if he becomes physically abusive.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Whodatdog]

Its not about giving up five years, its about the journey. You've been on a path for 5 years, and now you feel its just not the right path to continue on. Sounds like your journey needs to take a different path. You know what you need to do.

[Livinginlimbo101]

Idk sometimes I wonder if I'm really going to end my relationship over something so 'simple, when there's worst out there'. Then again, the dating world is so scary right now. He has been really good to me. He took care of me when I was sick. He flew up to see me so that we could spend the holidays together and he's just always been there for me.

 

I have zero cheating problems with him and that seems like to be the norm in men nowadays. I'm afraid if I leave, the next guy won't be as kind and 'tolerant', and may most likely be a cheater. Cheating is just something I couldn't live with in a spouse.

 

I myself is not perfect, I have down days where I may give him a cold shoulder but as soon as I realize I'm doing it then I'll stop and try to make amends.

 

I think he can sense that I'm pulling away. Would be nice if he walked away so I don't look like the bad person who's leaving her relationship for nothing, as my friends put it. Truth is, the sex is also below par but I feel that's because of our issues as when we just started we had no problems in that area.

[sandylee1]

Sounds like you'll continue in this relationship despite the red flags.

 

That's your choice. You'll become another divorce statistic or remain in a miserable marriage for the sake of the kids and not wanting to give up.

 

Good luck to you.

[Popsicle]

Can you be alone for while then date later?

[usa1ah]

I agree with popsicle. Finish your studies for your career.

 

Why would you retaliate for something he did then except it not to blow up?

 

If you can clarify something, who broke up with who and why a year ago?

[d0nnivain]

The fact that you have been together for 5 years is no reason to stay together if it's not working. The make up break up cycle is indicative of dysfunction. The fact that your fights are about the same things / root causes over & over means nothing has changed, you are no closer to resolving the issues & you probably never will be.

 

End it once & for all. You both need to be free to find your perfect partners because you are not it for each other. Sorry.

[standtall]

Idk sometimes I wonder if I'm really going to end my relationship over something so 'simple, when there's worst out there'. Then again, the dating world is so scary right now. He has been really good to me. He took care of me when I was sick. He flew up to see me so that we could spend the holidays together and he's just always been there for me.

 

I have zero cheating problems with him and that seems like to be the norm in men nowadays. I'm afraid if I leave, the next guy won't be as kind and 'tolerant', and may most likely be a cheater. Cheating is just something I couldn't live with in a spouse.

 

I myself is not perfect, I have down days where I may give him a cold shoulder but as soon as I realize I'm doing it then I'll stop and try to make amends.

 

I think he can sense that I'm pulling away. Would be nice if he walked away so I don't look like the bad person who's leaving her relationship for nothing, as my friends put it. Truth is, the sex is also below par but I feel that's because of our issues as when we just started we had no problems in that area.

 

Taking care of you when you're sick, and traveling to visit your SO during the holidays is nothing to mention...it is standard for most relationships.

 

He doesn't cheat...big whoop..most people don't. This forum is riddled with dysfunctional relationship stories...most people who have good ones don't post or read here, so this does not reflect what is a true slice of the demographic from where you are at.

 

Girl, your bar is set really low....time to raise it!

[OneParadox]

I think the consensus here is clear and overwhelming: things will only get worse from here with this guy. There is someone much better for you out there.

 

Maybe you need to try to figure out why you want to insist in a situation that clearly isn't the best for you (and worse, you yourself know things aren't really working out).

[Cherished gal]

Hi everyone, longtime lurker, first time poster. I'll try to be short and to the point.

 

I am in my mid twenties and my boyfriend is approaching his 30th. We've been together for the past 5 years. We are engaged, sort of. We were engaged, I broke it off and then we were on and off for about a year. Now we're back together . We lived together for 3 years before I broke it off.

 

Problem is, he's generally a nice guy. But he had some flaws which I can't seem to move past. He is not very affectionate. He gets upset at me for the simplest of things which leads to me retaliating and then we have very horrible fights. No hitting but we say hurtful things to each other. I have explained to him that I really wish we could talk about our issues like adults instead of the cursing and verbally abusing each other. I have tried to be rational in our disagreements but he doesn't so it ends up getting blown right up over very minor issues.

 

I don't know if I love him anymore. The fights has killed the attraction. I feel something for him but theres no passion. We're supposed to get married end of this year. We currently do not live together as I'm in another country furthering my studies.

 

Last year when we broke up, which I thought was for good that time. I started seeing another guy but ended it shortly because I realized I wasn't ready for another relationship. He found out, got mad but still wanted to get back together. He says I cheated on him but I don't agree. Now I can't live it down. He brings it up every chance he gets. I told him it was a one time thing and it only happened because I thought we were over for good and that he needs to let it go. It's almost been a year since then.

 

So now coupled with his old behaviour and him constantly bringing up how I apparently cheated, I don't know if I want to stay in this relationship. Plus there's just no passion, how can we enter into a marriage like this. What will become of us a few years into the marriage if we're already at the plain passion less stage?

 

5 years is a lot to give up. I'm working on my career and I was hoping that by now I'll be married and start growing my own family. Now I feel like I'm getting too old and I'll probably need a new husband anyway. So I should just cut my boyfriend loose and start over.

 

I want him to be happy and to be with a woman who completely loves him. And I want the same for me. He's a really caring, generous and kind man. He's a good man but I just don't think he's the good guy for me.

 

Advice please, maybe from someone who has been in my situation? Should I try for the umpteenth time to work things out or just let him go?

 

Marriage is a huge step and if you are second guessing it now that's not a way to start a happy marriage. Why would you even consider marriage to someone that you are not sure you love and you have no passion for. I would want to at least know I loved the guy before I committed to "now and forevermore" unless those are just words to you with no meaning behind them. Then that definitely is not fair to anyone-him, you, future kids. Sounds to me like you need to get serious about your future and say what you mean and stick to it. You have your whole life ahead of you and you don't want to spoil it by making one bad mistake now. Praying you make positive decisions in your life to make it a joyful one.

[Livinginlimbo101]

Thank you all for your time and responses. I assure you they're not being met with deaf ears.

 

I know without a doubt that he loves me...and I think given time we can find back the love. Our Christmas holidays was nothing short of amazing, I left feeling determined to work things out. But then we had an argument and I was back to square one. Maybe the problem is me? Maybe i want to give up at the firt sign of trouble?

 

let's admit that no relationship is perfect. But if we are encouraged to leave the r.ship for minor issues as these but are encouraged to stay and give second chance when they cheat,then what does that say?

 

Again he's not controlling, doesn't cheat nor hits women, very ambitious, etc. All good traits. Downside is the passion has died, no attraction again and the many arguments.

 

I'm not trying to convince myself to stay. I'm just trying to air my thoughts out so I can have a holistic view, and to get different opinons before making a final decision. I am miles away so I can easily end it, but he would be devastated. I don't think he knows how serious I find this problem.

 

There is a part of me that believes the relationship is redeemable, no doubt it will take hard work. I remember days when I would rush home from work to be with him, days when my face would light up into a huge smile when I see him, days when I laid next to him and thought, this is home. Those are the days I hold onto and look forward to having once again. Those are the days I'm a little hesitant to walk away from. Plus i dont want to hurt him. But I know I should put myself first.

[Livinginlimbo101]

I agree with popsicle. Finish your studies for your career.

 

Why would you retaliate for something he did then except it not to blow up?

 

If you can clarify something, who broke up with who and why a year ago?

 

Yes that's the issue with our fights, I'm always the one having to put them out. If I just say ok, then it will end there but if Im to fight back or defend myself then it blows up because he's not stepping down. He feels he Is the man and I'm the child so his arguments are more valid *rolls eyes*. He did apologize for our last fight and also for attacking and accusing me. I thought that was a good improvement. As I can be a little stubborn myself.

 

I left because it was becoming unbearable to be intimate with him and he wasn't good at taking no for an answer. I felt stifled. So I moved out and left him. He was super upset and said I walked out on him for nothing. He just wasn't getting it that the fights were damaging the relationship.

[Livinginlimbo101]

Also, my days are pretty busy so I don't get to read your replies until this time, when I'm settled and in bed.