5 months in and I don't feel any better

[Nothingtolose]

I ended things with my ex back in September. We were together for 3 years and had a ton of issues such as him smoking a lot of weed every night, drinking most nights, being apathetic and lazy with no real goals, not helping me around the house, being dismissive of my feelings/ avoidant, as well as having a tendency to get verbally abusive when we fought. These were the bad stuff. The good: amazing sexual chemistry and a shared sense of humor, which meant that when things were good they were very good/fun.

 

We had back and forth contact for the first few months, then I cut it off in December, and in January he came back nearly begging for a second chance and saying he was ready to make some changes. We hung out a few times and I saw that nothing had changed and his behaviours were still very much the same, so I told him I needed to go NC to heal, and that I'd appreciate it if he respected the space I needed and not contacted me. He accepted it, and we've been NC for 27 days. He didn't even contact me on my birthday which was 3 days ago and I guess I can't even be upset about it because I asked him not to reach out to me.

 

I feel worse now than I did in the first couple of months since the break up. The first couple of months I was still filled with resentment and glad to be rid of it all. Now, all I can seem to remember are the good times. I pick up the list I wrote of all the bad **** that was going down when we were together (like him calling me abusive names when we fought), and even reading that list doesn't relieve my pain. How can I miss someone who often treated me so badly and with little consideration towards how I felt? I don't understand it at all. I've been on countless dates and have even recently started dating someone new, but that person has been trying to move things too fast and it's making me want to run the other day, because I'm still not healed from this breakup.

 

I don't know what to do. At this point, I feel like I may never get over this guy. That I'll never find that type of chemistry with someone again. That I'm just broken, damaged, and unable to love the same way again. He's the first thought on my mind every morning, and I go about my days with this lump in my throat, this tightness in my chest that seems to be always kinda sitting there. I was the one who ended this relationship because it was toxic and it was hurting me, yet I still question my decision every single day. I wonder if I had stopped bugging him about the smoking and the drinking, and all the things that bothered me, that maybe we would have fought less, and maybe I should have just accepted all that crap and dealt with it, that it's my fault that I'm in this much pain now, I should have just accepted him as he is. I know it's ludicrous, that I would have been miserable long term, but my mind is still playing these tricks on me.

 

I can't break NC, it wouldn't be the right thing to do, but I don't know what else to do to make this pain go away. When does NC start to actually work? When will I stop feeling like crap?

[d0nnivain]

Healing is not measured on a calendar. It happens when it happens.

 

When you first walked away you probably had some deep down subconscious hope that he'd change, clean up his act & come back. He did come back saying he cleaned up his act but you quickly realized that was just a lie. So now you know it's really over & the lack of a birthday bread crumb is the final nail in the coffin.

 

Logically you know he's no good for you & you made the right decision. Emotionally you miss being part of a couple & having somebody there for you so you focus on the good times because that is what you want back. Remind yourself that the good times were overshadowed by the bad things.

 

You are hurting now so you can't realize that you will love again. Right now you have to go through the grief. Give yourself time to mourn the loss of your relationship. Eventually the acute pain will subside but I can't tell you when.

 

Meanwhile -- keep busy. Purge your house of the memories of him. Start working out. Surround yourself with supportive friends & family.

 

Most of all hang in there.

[Nothingtolose]

Healing is not measured on a calendar. It happens when it happens.

 

When you first walked away you probably had some deep down subconscious hope that he'd change, clean up his act & come back. He did come back saying he cleaned up his act but you quickly realized that was just a lie. So now you know it's really over & the lack of a birthday bread crumb is the final nail in the coffin.

 

Logically you know he's no good for you & you made the right decision. Emotionally you miss being part of a couple & having somebody there for you so you focus on the good times because that is what you want back. Remind yourself that the good times were overshadowed by the bad things.

 

You are hurting now so you can't realize that you will love again. Right now you have to go through the grief. Give yourself time to mourn the loss of your relationship. Eventually the acute pain will subside but I can't tell you when.

 

Meanwhile -- keep busy. Purge your house of the memories of him. Start working out. Surround yourself with supportive friends & family.

 

Most of all hang in there.

 

Thank you. I've completed a full month of NC today and am still finding it very hard. I mean, I dont have an overwhelming desire to contact him or anything, which is good. But I still think about him every morning as soon as I open my eyes. My heart feels completely blocked/ almost locked with chains around it, like no one can pass. I REALLY REALLY want to like this new guy more, on paper he is so perfect for me, but the love I still feel for my ex is making me numb to everything and everyone else.

 

I have never taken this long to recover from a break up before - usually by around month 3 I was feeling fine. Even the guy before him, who really messed me up, I felt much better at month 5 than I do now. t sounds odd, but I almost feel like I have some type of karmic bond with him, that I can't seem to break. I looked up energy healing and cord cutting which is apparently about cutting an attachment cord with someone, which seems to be what I need.

 

I'm well aware of all the issues we had and that I did everything I could, yet I still carry this sense of failure, and I don't know why. The relationship was so emotionally draining, it's baffling that I'm not feeling like "yay! so glad that crap is over and done with". I think this is an obvious sign that I still have a lot more learning and healing/ internal work to do.

[divegrl]

I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I struggled a lot when I broke up with my boyfriend. I was constantly haunted by the idea of if I made the right decision. I also felt the same energetic connection to him that you describe.

 

This video helped me a lot. It’s off YouTube and I watched it multiple times during the break up.

 

 

I hope this helps and you find peace soon. Have a beautiful day my friend.

[Young mind]

Little progress is progress, and time does really heal, don't set a time limit like donnivain said, let it naturally run its course, take each step little by little, try to concentrate as much energy into the other aspects of your life.

 

Use this forum to vent as much as you can

[Mac0908]

Just curious how old are you both? First things first you're saying 3 months/5 months when the reality is you both didn't TRULY part until just a month ago. So in my opinion, this thread should really be 1 month and still don't feel any better.

 

That being said, there is no WAY you can recover from a serious 3 year relationship after 1 month. The heart takes time to heal. Some longer than others, but I promise you eventually it does and the thing you'll learn about about life is, it goes on. Do all the things Donnivain said. As hard and as even pointless as they may seem to you NOW, they are at least part of what will help heal you quicker. Also be sure to delete all photos of him, of you two, social media, etc. NC is NC 100%. Not just texts or calls.

 

Right now its ok to be sad and its ok to feel pain. You can't force away a loss like this just like you wouldn't be able to force away the loss of a loved one who passed away. This guy was who he was and you chose not to accept it bc it wasn't what you wanted. It is what it is and it sounds like you made the right decision.

Edited March 1, 2018 by Mac0908

[Nothingtolose]

Just curious how old are you both? First things first you're saying 3 months/5 months when the reality is you both didn't TRULY part until just a month ago. So in my opinion, this thread should really be 1 month and still don't feel any better.

 

That being said, there is no WAY you can recover from a serious 3 year relationship after 1 month. The heart takes time to heal. Some longer than others, but I promise you eventually it does and the thing you'll learn about about life is, it goes on. Do all the things Donnivain said. As hard and as even pointless as they may seem to you NOW, they are at least part of what will help heal you quicker. Also be sure to delete all photos of him, of you two, social media, etc. NC is NC 100%. Not just texts or calls.

 

Right now its ok to be sad and its ok to feel pain. You can't force away a loss like this just like you wouldn't be able to force away the loss of a loved one who passed away. This guy was who he was and you chose not to accept it bc it wasn't what you wanted. It is what it is and it sounds like you made the right decision.

 

I'm 34 and he is 36. You're right, it hasnt been that long since NC, although it has been 2 months now, and I still feel no better. In fact, I felt much better the first couple of months than I do now, because now it seems way more 'final'. I miss him terribly. I dont even know why I miss him so much when our relationship wasn't a fulfilling one for a very long time - he was apathetic, often not nice to me, and often verbally abusive during fights.

 

The problem is I'm not from here (country where I live), but he is. I moved here 4.5 years ago, met him after a month, we were casual for a long time, then became a couple. I was with him for most of my time here, and I don't have a big social circle here either which makes it even harder. Most of the friends I had here have moved away or are married/with kids. I took a couple of trips recently (back home and back to where I lived for 10 years before moving here), and being around family and close friends felt so amazing and really helped take my mind off of him. Yet as soon as I got back here (3 days ago) I went right back to square one, can't sleep and am crying every night. I feel extremely lonely. I could move back to where I lived before moving here (where I have amazing friends/great support system), which I'm planning to do next year, but there are a few things I'd like to accomplish here first (career-wise etc) and I also don't want to leave on such a low. I want to pick myself up and leave on a high when the time is right but I'm not sure I can make it much longer, being here without him is just so so painful. Also the thought of moving away from him is very painful, even though we're no longer together, and I know he isn't good for me and I can't go back. But just knowing we're still in the same city is both painful and comforting if that makes sense.

 

I feel so sad. I just want the pain to go. I have tried everything. 2 months NC, keeping busy whichever way I can, yet he's always on my mind.

[Beachead]

I'm 34 and he is 36. You're right, it hasnt been that long since NC, although it has been 2 months now, and I still feel no better. In fact, I felt much better the first couple of months than I do now, because now it seems way more 'final'. I miss him terribly. I dont even know why I miss him so much when our relationship wasn't a fulfilling one for a very long time - he was apathetic, often not nice to me, and often verbally abusive during fights.

 

The problem is I'm not from here (country where I live), but he is. I moved here 4.5 years ago, met him after a month, we were casual for a long time, then became a couple. I was with him for most of my time here, and I don't have a big social circle here either which makes it even harder. Most of the friends I had here have moved away or are married/with kids. I took a couple of trips recently (back home and back to where I lived for 10 years before moving here), and being around family and close friends felt so amazing and really helped take my mind off of him. Yet as soon as I got back here (3 days ago) I went right back to square one, can't sleep and am crying every night. I feel extremely lonely. I could move back to where I lived before moving here (where I have amazing friends/great support system), which I'm planning to do next year, but there are a few things I'd like to accomplish here first (career-wise etc) and I also don't want to leave on such a low. I want to pick myself up and leave on a high when the time is right but I'm not sure I can make it much longer, being here without him is just so so painful. Also the thought of moving away from him is very painful, even though we're no longer together, and I know he isn't good for me and I can't go back. But just knowing we're still in the same city is both painful and comforting if that makes sense.

 

I feel so sad. I just want the pain to go. I have tried everything. 2 months NC, keeping busy whichever way I can, yet he's always on my mind.

 

Hey OP,

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I believe you made the right decision. Trust what the others on here are telling you, there is lot of experience there. What I have bolded in your post, is a good sign. Shows that you are thinking forward and have goals in mind despite this setback in your life. That means you're going to be okay.

 

But be patient with yourself, you were in a long relationship. That's 3 years worth of memories/experiences/habits/feelings you shared with a person and it happened when you moved to this country. So in essence, this person is associated with this country now for you. You cannot get over that in 2 months.

 

Like Donnivain said, the reason you feel worse now than you did in the first few months is because fresh after the breakup, you carried hope that this guy would change and all would be well. It was a kind of denial. But when you gave it a second try with him, you realized things wouldn't change. Your hope was crushed. Denial was shattered. All plans for a future you thought you'd have with him, gone out the window. So you are now facing this cold, hard reality of it all and it's a tough pill to swallow. It's not so much love and feelings that are making you feel the way you do. It's anxiety. Fear of not finding another partner. Fear of going forward alone in life. It scares you and it has kicked up your anxiety and it's that anxiety which is now playing games with your head, making you feel like you doubt your decisions.

 

I would not date anyone right now but I would try to join an activity that I am passionate about to help me meet more people like myself. Something that I love to do. I suggest you do the same if you have not. In order to break this man's association on your experience here in this country and his power over your life, you will have to build your own life from scratch. You moved away from your family/friends to come here so that should tell you you are a strong person who is capable of making hard decisions and standing on your own two feet. If you learn to stand on your own two feet with that kind of strength again, you conquer this. For that reason alone is why I suggest not dating anyone right now. It's a temporary fix that just buries pain. Eventually you'll realize that even that won't help. You need to face this storm on your own so that you can work through every feeling, every thought. When you feel it, you'll process it and heal from it.

 

It took me 2 years to get over an ex of 10 months. The process was slow and filled with ups and downs. I went through immense sadness. Feelings of anger. Felt like it was hopeless to ever feel better. Felt like I couldn't fall in love again. But I did eventually, although that relationship didn't work out either. Point is I did. Keep your head up.

 

- Beach

Edited March 21, 2018 by Beachead

[Nothingtolose]

 

Like Donnivain said, the reason you feel worse now than you did in the first few months is because fresh after the breakup, you carried hope that this guy would change and all would be well. It was a kind of denial. But when you gave it a second try with him, you realized things wouldn't change. Your hope was crushed. Denial was shattered. All plans for a future you thought you'd have with him, gone out the window. So you are now facing this cold, hard reality of it all and it's a tough pill to swallow. It's not so much love and feelings that are making you feel the way you do. It's anxiety. Fear of not finding another partner. Fear of going forward alone in life. It scares you and it has kicked up your anxiety and it's that anxiety which is now playing games with your head, making you feel like you doubt your decisions.

 

- Beach

 

Thank you, you are very right. I've been very confused as to why I was doing so much better in the first 2-3 months of the break up (and even the first couple of weeks of NC) than I do now. Today marks 2 full months of NC and this week has been the absolute worst I have ever felt in 6 months.

 

The first 3 months (Sept - Dec) I was going through a very hard course/program that required 20-30 hours worth of assignments a week on top of my full time job, which kept me very busy with no time to mourn. During those months we also had a bit of contact here and then and slept together a couple of times so it didn't exactly feel final.

 

Then in Jan he asked me to get back together, I said no, but agreed to hang out a few times and within just 2 weeks I saw NOTHING at all had changed, and felt like he asked to get back together just to mess up with my head, with no real intention of putting in any work or effort. That's when I said enough and asked for full NC, which he has respected since.

 

I guess even then I was still in denial and thought a few weeks of actual NC (which we'd never properly stuck to until then) were going to 'wake him up' and that after a month or so he was going to have this huge realization that I'm gone forever and book counselling, and tell me that he's doing the work. But now it's been two months and I'm starting to feel certain that it's really over, he's content carrying on with his daily drinking, pot smoking, and general lifestyle choices that just weren't what I wanted in a partner.

 

I think what hurts the most is to think that he literally chose those things over me. To think I envisioned all of these things for us, growing together, making each other better, having a family, exploring the world etc. I thought he had deep wounds that once healed through counselling would allow him to see he was wasting his life away on booze, pot, video games and apathy, and that he was going to be transformed into this brand new man - all that was needed was love, patience, counselling. I failed to see that he never wanted any of that, he was perfectly content just doing his thing, day in day out until the day he dies, even if that means losing the woman he loves.

 

My counsellor tells me this is really him, and how he approaches everything in his life and i should not take it personally - after all, Im the 3rd girlfriend who's walked away from him because of these things, and he still hasn't changed. But it's so hard to accept that it could not be different with me. I don't know why, but it is. I thought our love was different, I must have really been delusional.

 

I also realized one of the main reasons why I'm struggling to move on and heal (besides not having my real friends/support system here) is the fact that I was the one who walked away. I made the choice and have to live with it. In past break ups, where I was the one who got dumped, I had no choice, so I had to accept that person didn't want to be with me, and move on. And it felt empowering to move on, to prove to myself that i didn't need someone who didn't want me. With him, I was the one who made the decision to leave someone I love, to put myself first, which I'm not used to, being a giver in relationships. I struggle with a LOT of guilt and remorse over 'abandoning' him, giving up on him/us, thinking that he is this broken/wounded person, with very few people who genuinely care about him, that he needs love and acceptance, and that I could no longer give him that and had to leave him. I know it sounds crazy because I had plenty of reasons to leave, but I still feel so guilty, and sometimes I blame myself because I 'chose' the pain I'm in, if that makes sense. I love this person, I could be with them and I'm not, and this was my choice, my doing. I'm not sure how to move past this feeling - I'm going back to counselling next week hoping it will help.

Edited March 23, 2018 by Nothingtolose

[Beachead]

Thank you, you are very right. I've been very confused as to why I was doing so much better in the first 2-3 months of the break up (and even the first couple of weeks of NC) than I do now. Today marks 2 full months of NC and this week has been the absolute worst I have ever felt in 6 months.

 

The first 3 months (Sept - Dec) I was going through a very hard course/program that required 20-30 hours worth of assignments a week on top of my full time job, which kept me very busy with no time to mourn. During those months we also had a bit of contact here and then and slept together a couple of times so it didn't exactly feel final.

 

Then in Jan he asked me to get back together, I said no, but agreed to hang out a few times and within just 2 weeks I saw NOTHING at all had changed, and felt like he asked to get back together just to mess up with my head, with no real intention of putting in any work or effort. That's when I said enough and asked for full NC, which he has respected since.

 

I guess even then I was still in denial and thought a few weeks of actual NC (which we'd never properly stuck to until then) were going to 'wake him up' and that after a month or so he was going to have this huge realization that I'm gone forever and book counselling, and tell me that he's doing the work. But now it's been two months and I'm starting to feel certain that it's really over, he's content carrying on with his daily drinking, pot smoking, and general lifestyle choices that just weren't what I wanted in a partner.

 

I think what hurts the most is to think that he literally chose those things over me. To think I envisioned all of these things for us, growing together, making each other better, having a family, exploring the world etc. I thought he had deep wounds that once healed through counselling would allow him to see he was wasting his life away on booze, pot, video games and apathy, and that he was going to be transformed into this brand new man - all that was needed was love, patience, counselling. I failed to see that he never wanted any of that, he was perfectly content just doing his thing, day in day out until the day he dies, even if that means losing the woman he loves.

 

My counsellor tells me this is really him, and how he approaches everything in his life and i should not take it personally - after all, Im the 3rd girlfriend who's walked away from him because of these things, and he still hasn't changed. But it's so hard to accept that it could not be different with me. I don't know why, but it is. I thought our love was different, I must have really been delusional.

 

I also realized one of the main reasons why I'm struggling to move on and heal (besides not having my real friends/support system here) is the fact that I was the one who walked away. I made the choice and have to live with it. In past break ups, where I was the one who got dumped, I had no choice, so I had to accept that person didn't want to be with me, and move on. And it felt empowering to move on, to prove to myself that i didn't need someone who didn't want me. With him, I was the one who made the decision to leave someone I love, to put myself first, which I'm not used to, being a giver in relationships. I struggle with a LOT of guilt and remorse over 'abandoning' him, giving up on him/us, thinking that he is this broken/wounded person, with very few people who genuinely care about him, that he needs love and acceptance, and that I could no longer give him that and had to leave him. I know it sounds crazy because I had plenty of reasons to leave, but I still feel so guilty, and sometimes I blame myself because I 'chose' the pain I'm in, if that makes sense. I love this person, I could be with them and I'm not, and this was my choice, my doing. I'm not sure how to move past this feeling - I'm going back to counselling next week hoping it will help.

 

It's the wounded ego.

 

No you weren't delusional. For those 3 years, it was what you wanted and the decision made sense. It was a choice that made sense to you given everything you were at that point. You cannot fault yourself for the love you gave and the loyalty you had. You did everything you were supposed to do.

 

Why does it hard to accept? As you said, you believed in this man. You believed in him for 3 years. All that you were culminated into the love and loyalty but it turned out from your perspective, drugs/alcohol was more important to him than fighting for the relationship..fighting for you. He let you down. More specifically, when you sure you were right about him and in the end, he made you feel like you knew nothing. Made you feel doubt your judgement because he made you feel you chose wrong. Made a mistake. Made a fool out of you and the time you lost and the part of you that you gave to him, you can't get back. So you feel lost and question yourself.

 

Well-being is all we have OP. If it downhill, it spills into other aspects of our life. Our work, our studies, our familial and platonic relationships etc. We become sadder and sadder and remain in it for so long, our brains get used to it. Neurochemical pathways are created by our brains that make it easy to keep thinking in a particular way. If you are sad, it'll make it real easy to remain sad. Consequently, we end up having trouble seeing the good in life. We have trouble seeing opportunity or appreciating what we have and we end up establishing this bias that our life sucks. Negativity is not attractive to others. They leave. And that makes it even worse which continues to affirm our negative beliefs about ourself. It's a gigantic spiral downward. He eventually became a detriment to your well-being.

 

So although I can understand why you felt like you abandoned him, I see this as you finally choosing to love yourself over the 3 years you loved him.

 

You have a very clear grasp of what's going on with you which is very good thing. It'll hurt for a long time. Numbing your mind out by being excessively busy, drinking, dating are all temporary fixes. Eventually they too will not work so I suggest giving yourself days for yourself if you can and not engaging in such activites for now. You must continue to let the feelings flow but don't give up on yourself. Therapy will be good. I really suggest using LS as a tool to help you as well. The Coping and No Contact Threads here are great to share your thoughts. There are good people who feel as you and I do as well and sharing and reading in others' experiences will help you in better understanding yourself and your own situation.

 

I can tell you that he won't forget you. He is thinking about you and will always remember you. People don't erase 3 years of memories like that. There will always be triggers. Now whether he comes back? That is a different story. If he does, he may or may not have worked on himself or you may or may not want him back also. There is a lot of uncertainty and much that is out of your control. For now, you will need to focus on what you can control and divert all your strength and attention on dealing with your own feelings and pain so that you may heal and come back from this.

 

- Beach

Edited March 24, 2018 by Beachead