Constantly told no spark

[Superunknown91]

I'm 30. Male. I bodybuild at gym and wear fashionable clothing. I'm also well groomed. I'm told I'm good looking

 

I'm also deaf but I do not sign. I wear hearing aids. I have a slight speech impediment (Further speech therapy will not help). Due to deafness, I am unable to pronounce certain words properly.

 

I have never had a relationship since I was 18.

 

I have no problems getting dates off online dating websites, POF, Tinder, Bumble etc...

 

I CANNOT for the life of me...get a second date. I'm constantly told "no spark", "no chemistry sorry" "let's be friends instead" "Sorry no attraction" "I've had a fantastic time but no spark sorry" "You're such a great guy but you're not for me"

 

No matter how well the date goes, I'm always told this. Sometimes I get a kiss, sometimes we hold hands. They tell me they've had a great time. Then the next day.. I get this by text.

 

I don't suffer from nerves and can appear confident. I'm confident, witty, chatty, funny. But I'm obviously doing something wrong.

 

I even asked some of the girls for feedback...and they say I'm just a lovely guy but no romantic connection.

 

I know you can't get a spark with everyone. But it seems that I cannot get a spark with any girl I meet.

 

So far I've been on about 200 first dates in the past 18 months with no success.

 

I can't help but feel my disability is indirectly putting them off.

 

 

I'm feeling incredibly frustrated and depressed about this.

Edited February 18, 2018 by Superunknown91

[Purrrfect]

First of all sorry you have had so many first dates.

 

Do you state in your profile you are hearing impaired? If not you need too. People do not like having a disability sprung on them.

 

If it’s already in your profile then I would just stop online dating. Try going out and getting social. Go to a sports bar and sit down and start talking to someone. Go hiking. I think you need a break from OLD.

[preraph]

I'm so sorry. I'm afraid it is the speech from your deafness. It's not so much people hold that against you as just that they themselves feel awkward and don't know how to act on something they know little about. Of course, anyone who had grown up in a household with someone with that similar issue would be very comfortable about it. It's not fair, but life isn't fair.

 

I'm recommending you do as much networking/socializing with other deaf people and organizations, meetups, because within their extended family, you may also find acceptance. So get busy making other deaf friends, meet who they know, expand your network of people who get it. Good luck.

[Superunknown91]

Thank you.

 

I always tell the person I'm chatting to before meeting.

I would establish comfort..talk lots then gradually mention it in conversation by text.

 

9/10 they're totally fine with it.

 

 

 

I would go out and meet people but the thing is all of my friends are married/engaged/with kids and don't go out.

 

Also I'm nervous approaching women in bars due to my speech. I've tried talking to random women in bars but they tell me to go away.

 

Also where I'm from..there isn't many deaf people..The deaf people I know sign and are in relationships.

 

I don't see myself as "Deaf" as I have a hearing family and hearing friends.

Edited February 18, 2018 by Superunknown91

[carhill]

Being correctably deaf is a dating pool thinner. Anything about one which departs, especially markedly, from the norm will thin one's pool of compatible partners, hence more random people need to be encountered to find compatible examples who feel spark with your uniqueness.

 

I was introduced to this at a very young age with a male friend who was a genetic dwarf. Grew up together, never really saw him as different until girls became something other than roughhousing buddies. I then could see how they reacted to him differently from a sexual aspect. However, over time, and with effort, he overcame this, and other potential challenges and went on to be married to a normal-sized woman and became a USFS ranger and last I had contact, was still alive at our ripe old age.

 

I'd recommend more real world contacts and don't expect immediate results. Focus on friendships, networking and meeting people face to face. Since you have no problem 'getting dates' online that tells me you are visually appealing to those you contact. You should have little trouble with meeting people in real life. There they will experience all of you at one time rather than an electronic perception juxtaposed against reality on first meet. Keep at it. It may take time but it'll work out.

 

Hope these dates are dutch. 200 in 18 months is quite an investment in dating. Whoa.

[Sara1989]

Ok I would suggest having a phone conversation BEFORE the date, that way the girl can hear how you sound. If this can work for you then this could help filter some of them out.

 

Reading this made me feel bad about a date I had last year, I met up with this guy whose speech was very slow and he spoke so loud etc. At the time shamefully I thought he was not very intelligent and honestly his speech freaked me out, but looking back now its likely he did have a speech impediment as well.

 

It would be worth joining groups with people with hearing loss and forums etc?

 

It will be hard honestly for people with hearing to really overlook or give someone like you a chance. Hurts to say that as my daughter is deaf in one ear so I get it but I do not understand why you do not see yourself as deaf? you are deaf.

[Superunknown91]

They're all dutch.

 

Thanks for the replies.

 

I just find it bizarre because I've got a good job, a flat and I can speak!

 

I can lipread very well so understanding the other person is never an issue.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I guess it could be your speech. Do you tell your dates ahead of time about your speech impediment? For me, something like that might make me unattracted because of the negative association I'd draw.....bad experience in childhood with an older cousin with a speech impediment. It wouldn't be fair to you, but, it would exist for me.

 

Beyond that, Is there anything else about you that could be offputting? Do you take care of your teeth? Have clean fingernails? Smell good?

[Superunknown91]

I have a very deep accent. I'm British but I'm told I sound a bit foreign. Which is something that is out of my control.

 

I always make sure I mention that before the date.

 

I whiten my teeth. I'm groomed and waxed too.

 

I lift weights at the gym 5 x a week.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have a very deep accent. I'm British but I'm told I sound a bit foreign. Which is something that is out of my control.

 

I always make sure I mention that before the date.

 

I whiten my teeth. I'm groomed and waxed too.

 

I lift weights at the gym 5 x a week.

 

How long do you communicate with women before meeting them in person? Maybe spend more time establishing rapport and connection in writing before meeting in person? You sound like a really nice person and maybe if you get someone to "like you" enough in writing, they won't be so judgmental about your speech? I'm sorry this is something you deal with . If that's even what it is. What age group are you trying to date?

[Superunknown91]

It varies. Sometimes a few days. Sometimes two weeks.

 

I make sure I build enough rapport before the date via text. Jokes, interesting questions, bit of flirting etc to maintain their interest and to show the social side of me.

 

The age range I aim for is 25-35. I do prefer a slightly older woman but not too old as I would like to eventually have children with the right woman.

Edited February 18, 2018 by Superunknown91

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Some women are turned off by too MUCH "grooming/waxing/teeth whitening." i know I am.

[Superunknown91]

Some women are turned off by too MUCH "grooming/waxing/teeth whitening." i know I am.

 

Fair enough but they already know what I look like in my photos.

 

I'm bald so have to keep my head shaved.

[basil67]

Superunknown, I can only write from my experience. Your deaf accent wouldn't bother me, however it sounds like you put a LOT of effort into your appearance. Could it be that you're coming across as high maintenance?

 

Of course, if a woman is high maintenance herself, she will likely appreciate all of it. But a woman who is lower maintenance may look at you and think you're overly focused on physical appearance.

 

Just how big do you get with body building? Do you still have a neck?

[basil67]

Some women are turned off by too MUCH "grooming/waxing/teeth whitening." i know I am.

 

Snap! We wrote the same thing at the same time

[Superunknown91]

Superunknown, I can only write from my experience. Your deaf accent wouldn't bother me, however it sounds like you put a LOT of effort into your appearance. Could it be that you're coming across as high maintenance?

 

Of course, if a woman is high maintenance herself, she will likely appreciate all of it. But a woman who is lower maintenance may look at you and think you're overly focused on physical appearance.

 

Just how big do you get with body building? Do you still have a neck?

 

Granted I do look after myself, but it's not OTT or anything of the sort. I don't wear make up.

 

Not big and I still have a neck.

 

The women already know what I look like in my photos and videos on my social media.

 

If anyone wants to see it. Feel free to private message me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Fair enough but they already know what I look like in my photos.

 

I'm bald so have to keep my head shaved.

 

And I assume you're putting your bald head in your photos too, right?

 

Some of the younger ones might not like bald. Older gals usually find the shaved head look sexy

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Granted I do look after myself, but it's not OTT or anything of the sort. I don't wear make up.

 

Not big and I still have a neck.

 

The women already know what I look like in my photos and videos on my social media.

 

If anyone wants to see it. Feel free to private message me.

 

You can't be PMd yet because you don't have enough posts, or else I would provide you with my unbiased feedback if I could.

[Superunknown91]

Does anyone know what I can do to increase the chances of a spark?

 

I've read so many books on dating that I know what to say, what not to say.

 

I always do light touching and make sure it's appropriate.

 

I have had a few kisses and make out sessions at the end of the date...only to be told "no spark" the next day.

[Cookiesandough]

You can get a first date so I’m going to assume that you it’s not your looks. Unless you drastically misrepresent yourself in your pictures. But we’re going to say that it’s not your looks.I recently dated this guy who was so good looking. I mean glorious. Girls-gawking-as-we-walked-down-the-street beautiful. However, when he opened his mouth he was so dorky. I can’t even describe it. I can only sum it up in a very middle school way by saying “uncool”. I grappled with why exactly this was. The things he said just seemed so goofy. I think mainly he lacked confidence and was trying way too hard, but it wasn’t just that. It could be something intrinsic. I think I am intrinsically uncool, so I think he found a match in me. You need to find a girl, and it’s probably a numbers game, who likes your personality. It’s been a hindrance in my dating life but I think men care a lot less about it being smooth or something.

 

Hope this helps but I doubt it

[Superunknown91]

Another thing I should mention is..

 

I'm short. 5ft 7".

 

If the girl asks me what height I am, I would tell her.

If she doesn't ask, I keep it zipped up.

[littleblackheart]

Could it simply be because you've not found the right girl yet?

[wolf123]

have you ever considered dating a deaf woman?

[snowboy91]

I'd recommend more real world contacts and don't expect immediate results. Focus on friendships, networking and meeting people face to face. Since you have no problem 'getting dates' online that tells me you are visually appealing to those you contact. You should have little trouble with meeting people in real life. There they will experience all of you at one time rather than an electronic perception juxtaposed against reality on first meet. Keep at it. It may take time but it'll work out.

 

I have to say I agree with this. I'm sorry to hear that you've been on so many first dates without progressing to a second. But I feel that focusing on your social circle and going to events/parties will be a huge help. I get the feeling that your speech might be a turn off in a dating/approach scenario, but friends (and their friends) will hopefully be able to see past that... and then there will be an opportunity for a spark.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Does anyone know what I can do to increase the chances of a spark?

 

I've read so many books on dating that I know what to say, what not to say.

 

I always do light touching and make sure it's appropriate.

 

I have had a few kisses and make out sessions at the end of the date...only to be told "no spark" the next day.

 

Don't overthink the "light touching." From reading here on LS, it seems a lot of men do this and it could come off as creepy/contrived. Go with the flow. Don't force it.

 

Also, about the kissing. Are you sure you're a good kisser? If I made out with someone and then told him "no spark" the next day, it probably would mean I did not enjoy the kiss.

 

Finally, put your height in your profile!!!!! This is NOT something you can hide in real life so don't try! And make sure you actually ARE 5'7". The last guy I dated STILL insists he is 5'7" even after he got a recent physical for new life insurance that said he's 5'5".