Wife wants to split after 1 year of marriage

[Peterbilt]

Hello everybody,

Maybe you guys can give me your insight on this major problem I'm having. My wife and I have been together for 7 years, married 1 year with 3 kids together. We bought house 8 months ago and things were going down hill fast. 1st month after we bought the house, I found out my wife was having an affair. I was extremely heart broken and I told her we were absolutely done. She begged for forgiveness and I gave it to her and agreed to sort everything out. Now last month, my wife tells me "I don't love you anymore, I want a seperation".

Now we're still under the same roof, but we do not talk or even sit in the same room together. She told me she does not want to be around me and she honestly thinks that in a year or so we will sort out our differences and get back together. So, I offered her money since she doesn't make a lot of money to leave. She accepted the offer and intends to leave in a few weeks. I also told her to leave me the kids and just leave me with the house. I told her in the divorce that I will put that I do not want a penny from her in child support.

 

I'm so heart broken, I wish she didn't make this decision, but I can't change that. Now, today she drops a bomb that she has intentions to move about 10 hours away and take the kids once she settles down since it's super expensive to live in my area. I told her I'd spend every dollar I have to spend on an attorney for my kids to stay with me. Her work hours are super late, and quite frankly, the way she's been acting lately, she shows ZERO interest in the kids. I've literally been doing everything- laundry,dishes, basically all household chores. I know I'm rambling on and on but i wish there was a way to save my marriage, but i really think its over with. I've done some stupid things in our relationship, but never cheated on her.

Any help is appreciated. Thank you. ?

[Marc878]

Hello everybody,

Maybe you guys can give me your insight on this major problem I'm having. My wife and I have been together for 7 years, married 1 year with 3 kids together. We bought house 8 months ago and things were going down hill fast. 1st month after we bought the house, I found out my wife was having an affair. I was extremely heart broken and I told her we were absolutely done. She begged for forgiveness and I gave it to her and agreed to sort everything out. Now last month, my wife tells me "I don't love you anymore, I want a seperation".

 

Don't be surprised that the affair is still ongoing.

 

Now we're still under the same roof, but we do not talk or even sit in the same room together. She told me she does not want to be around me and she honestly thinks that in a year or so we will sort out our differences and get back together. So, I offered her money since she doesn't make a lot of money to leave. She accepted the offer and intends to leave in a few weeks. I also told her to leave me the kids and just leave me with the house. I told her in the divorce that I will put that I do not want a penny from her in child support.

 

Separation is to spend more time with her other man. You've foolishly helped finance it.

 

I'm so heart broken, I wish she didn't make this decision, but I can't change that. Now, today she drops a bomb that she has intentions to move about 10 hours away and take the kids once she settles down since it's super expensive to live in my area. I told her I'd spend every dollar I have to spend on an attorney for my kids to stay with me. Her work hours are super late, and quite frankly, the way she's been acting lately, she shows ZERO interest in the kids. I've literally been doing everything- laundry,dishes, basically all household chores. I know I'm rambling on and on but i wish there was a way to save my marriage, but i really think its over with. I've done some stupid things in our relationship, but never cheated on her.

Any help is appreciated. Thank you. ?

 

You are playing the pick me dance and trying to nice her back. You can work yourself to death and it will just make you look week and unattractive. Why are you doing all the work and paying all the bills? This has the opposite effect. It's going to make her lose even more respect for you.

 

Cut her off and get to an attorney now!!!

 

You need to wake up

[Marc878]

Read up. And quit being a pushover.

 

You're heartbroken when you should be pissed off.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

[Peterbilt]

You are playing the pick me dance and trying to nice her back. You can work yourself to death and it will just make you look week and unattractive. Why are you doing all the work and paying all the bills? This has the opposite effect. It's going to make her lose even more respect for you.

 

Cut her off and get to an attorney now!!!

 

You need to wake up

 

Honestly, I don't want to go the vicious route. That's not who I am. She has told me in the past she will become a squatter in my house just because she has no money to go anywhere. She agreed to civilly go for divorce if I paid her to get her life started. I don't want to beef it out in court. Afterall, she still is the mother to my kids.

[Peterbilt]

Read up. And quit being a pushover.

 

You're heartbroken when you should be pissed off.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

I'm pissed/hurt/upset and many other emotions are currently running through my head. I think the toughest thing I'm having issues with is this girl was my high school sweetheart. She helped me fight my depression. I've never been like this in the relationships before her. But something in me allows her to walk all over me. I know I have to put my foot down.

[road]

Do you want to fight the affair and save your marriage or

do you want to divorce?

 

Accepting what your WW wants is you doing what she wants

not what you want. Make your own decisions and we will help

you whichever way you want to go.

[Peterbilt]

Do you want to fight the affair and save your marriage or

do you want to divorce?

 

Accepting what your WW wants is you doing what she wants

not what you want. Make your own decisions and we will help

you whichever way you want to go.

If I could have it my way, I'd want her in my arms. But she doesn't want any part of that. Literally 20 mins ago before she walked out the door, she told me to "instill it in my head that I don't want to be with you right now" so yes, I am slowly accepting that this marriage is done and over.

[Marc878]

I'm pissed/hurt/upset and many other emotions are currently running through my head. I think the toughest thing I'm having issues with is this girl was my high school sweetheart. She helped me fight my depression. I've never been like this in the relationships before her. But something in me allows her to walk all over me. I know I have to put my foot down.

 

Right now you are all you've got. You'd better take care of yourself.

[Peterbilt]

Stop giving her money to screw another man and ruin your life!

 

You're rewarding her bad behavior!!!!

 

She wants to blow up the family? Ruin your life? The kids life? Let HER finance it!

 

The old version of herself has been hijacked and left the building - this is who she is now - a liar and a cheater. One who is willing to screw another man and ruin lives.

 

Fight like hell to get your kids! Tell your wife to leave now and do t give her money!

 

Move all assets into your name only! Hurry!

 

And she can figure out a way to finance her party girl life HERELF! Do NOT help her one bit!

 

Be strong! Get a court order for full custody and specify that she can't take them out of the county you live in.

 

And YES (for sure) have her pay child support! She has a moral obligation - especially if she doesn't intend to stay close by!

 

Tell her to leave - she has ten minutes to pack ONE bag and hand her money for one nights stay in a motel (she will stay with her OM). But you don't owe her anything more than that.

 

Make she she doesn't have access to banked money or credit cards (call and close her accounts/cards now) or she will access ALL the money you have available (don't think she won't - she will)!

 

Remove her from your life like she's a cancer - because that's what she is right now.

 

Make her VERY uncomfortable! People ONLY change when they are UNcomfortable!

 

File for divorce...get that rolling so reality settles in for her that SHE has caused all this upheaval in her life.

 

Remind her this is what she wanted - so you are willing to give her the freedom she asked for - your just not gonna find her partying days.

 

Wish her luck and know you dodged a huge bullet - she's not the woman you thought she was.

She has no access to any money of mine. I always had my checks and savings desperate from our joint account. I'd always give her money as she needed. I know giving her the money may sound stupid, but I know for a fact she will fight to stay in the house and make me and herself miserable if I don't give her the money. Child support is minor. I don't want it from her. I just want her to get out so I can start healing my heart. My kids are starting to know what's going on and they are hurting. I told her and she told me I was full of sh*t that they would never say that. I know that one day she is going to try and come back. And I hope that day I'm strong enough to tell her no.

[Peterbilt]

Is the house in your name only?

 

Don't put anymore money in the joint account - in fact, take everything available in there out except $100

 

It doesn't matter what she says at this point, she's made it well known she's left the relationship.

 

Call her family and expose her cheating. Let them know she's expected to leave the house asap.

They're already well aware of what's going on. I can't tell you how much they disapprove of what she's doing. Her family is old school-stay with the one you marry forever. The joint account has been at zero for weeks now. She won't put any of her money in there and same for me. But I swear it's weird cause even when she has to drive home after work, she calls me every night to talk to her on the phone cause she's scared to drive at night. But as soon as she walks through the door, it's dead silence. It's like a major tug on the heart strings for me. But I know it's over, she made it clear.

[NopeNah]

Honestly, I don't want to go the vicious route. That's not who I am. She has told me in the past she will become a squatter in my house just because she has no money to go anywhere. She agreed to civilly go for divorce if I paid her to get her life started. I don't want to beef it out in court. Afterall, she still is the mother to my kids.

Then prepare to get 'pimp slapped' by her! There is no easy ways to keep your kids without knuckling down and going to WAR! I went through it and it was HELL,but to keep my daughter safe and growing up wanting for nothing.. I went to war.

[Bigboss2903]

Your wife is a cancer, she will drain you emotionally, physically and mentally.

 

Don't be the safety net bro while the other guy is receiving all of her attention, once she started cheating that's a huge trust blow....

[StoicHusband]

Honestly, I don't want to go the vicious route. That's not who I am. She has told me in the past she will become a squatter in my house just because she has no money to go anywhere. She agreed to civilly go for divorce if I paid her to get her life started. I don't want to beef it out in court. Afterall, she still is the mother to my kids.

 

You need to understand, the mother of your kids is a lying cheater. Sorry dude, but that kind of person CAN'T make a good parent. End of discussion.

 

You're gonna have to get real about it eventually. You're not her dad. You can love her unconditionally, you just have to change how you show that love. Don't show that it's OK to cheat. Don't show her that no matter what she does she will have you to kick around. You've done enough to show that already, she gets it.

 

I'm pissed/hurt/upset and many other emotions are currently running through my head. I think the toughest thing I'm having issues with is this girl was my high school sweetheart. She helped me fight my depression. I've never been like this in the relationships before her. But something in me allows her to walk all over me. I know I have to put my foot down.

 

You say this to avoid doing the reading. That won't help you. READ.

 

If I could have it my way, I'd want her in my arms. But she doesn't want any part of that. Literally 20 mins ago before she walked out the door, she told me to "instill it in my head that I don't want to be with you right now" so yes, I am slowly accepting that this marriage is done and over.

 

You can have it your way... READ.

[NopeNah]

You need to understand, the mother of your kids is a lying cheater. Sorry dude, but that kind of person CAN'T make a good parent. End of discussion.

 

You're gonna have to get real about it eventually. You're not her dad. You can love her unconditionally, you just have to change how you show that love. Don't show that it's OK to cheat. Don't show her that no matter what she does she will have you to kick around. You've done enough to show that already, she gets it.

 

 

 

You say this to avoid doing the reading. That won't help you. READ.

 

 

 

You can have it your way... READ.

I'm confused on what you want him to "read".

 

Anyways..OP..This person has been cheating on you from 'jump'.. 1 month after buying a house you found out about the affair..That was going on,maybe multiple affairs. She's unfaithful in the 'biblical sense'. Time to get to getting your actual real life adult affairs(like bills and stuff) in order and protect yourself. Get a lawyer Tue morning..or leave the a voicemail tomorrow.

[Peterbilt]

So she's using you as comfort and safety? Is that what you're saying?

 

 

Is the house in your name only?

 

Well she's miserable being home. She sops in bed all day long on her off days. And which is why I want to give her money to move out cause I feel I cannot move on with my life unless she's truly gone and out of the house. And yes, the house is under my name only but even so, she told me she doesn't want any part of the house either way so I'm not too worried about that.

[Peterbilt]

I hate to mention this but have the kids DNA tested.

 

It's possible she's cheated prior to this. Even if you think not - it's possible since she's shown that she's capable of this.

 

Not that any test result would change how you raise the kids...it's a matter of knowing she didn't pull off another lie to you without knowing what the truth is.

 

I have no doubt the 2 youngest are mine. The oldest is not biologically mine. I came into his life when he was about 2-3 months old and the bio-father is long gone. I told her I want to keep all 3 under the same roof. Which I have no doubt that I will fight for my 2 youngest. But I don't stand a chance with my oldest child since I'm only considered a "step parent" which has no standing ground in court. She ultimately intends on leaving all 3, I know she will cause she can't live her life the way she wants to while having her kids waiting for her to come gone every night. She runs her mouth that she wants to take them away from me and blah blah blah, but I know the type of life she wants. And the kids would be kind of "holding her back" sort of speak.

[Peterbilt]

I'm confused on what you want him to "read".

 

Anyways..OP..This person has been cheating on you from 'jump'.. 1 month after buying a house you found out about the affair..That was going on,maybe multiple affairs. She's unfaithful in the 'biblical sense'. Time to get to getting your actual real life adult affairs(like bills and stuff) in order and protect yourself. Get a lawyer Tue morning..or leave the a voicemail tomorrow.

She has agreed to try and divorce civilly and go into the attorneys office to have everything written up. I'm going to call to make the appointment tomorrow and we will see if we can go the easy route or the difficult route. Not sure yet. We shall see.

[Peacemaker1]

Hi Peterbilt,

I am very sorry for what you are going through. I can sense that you are very committed to her and your family. I commend you for fighting for your marriage. Has it ever crossed your mind that she might have a psychological problem? It may sound far off but I knew someone with a similar story and it went on for years while the kids suffered most. And he also loved her. Then an unrelated incident got her ending up getting psychological testing and it turned out that she had some kind of problem. It might help to know first that you are dealing with a sane person first before you can really do anything. You might want to consider going to a professional counselor first and describe her behavior maybe they can tell you if something is amiss. I hope this is helpful.

[Peterbilt]

Hi Peterbilt,

I am very sorry for what you are going through. I can sense that you are very committed to her and your family. I commend you for fighting for your marriage. Has it ever crossed your mind that she might have a psychological problem? It may sound far off but I knew someone with a similar story and it went on for years while the kids suffered most. And he also loved her. Then an unrelated incident got her ending up getting psychological testing and it turned out that she had some kind of problem. It might help to know first that you are dealing with a sane person first before you can really do anything. You might want to consider going to a professional counselor first and describe her behavior maybe they can tell you if something is amiss. I hope this is helpful.

 

I know for a fact she is not all there. She never was-but it did not affect her then as it does now. I've offered numerous times to seek help for herself and us to go to marriage counseling. I told her in the past to set it up with someone she feels comfortable with. Never happened. So, how can I help someone that doesn't want to help themselves?

[Peterbilt]

 

OP - after she leaves the house change the locks.

 

Yes this I will be doing once she is gone

[Peterbilt]

Any update?

 

Alright so here is the update-

All week we didnt speak one word to each other, all was peace and quiet somewhat lol. Today, I was off of work because I had to take care of some things I've been meaning to do-she was also home. She was furious I left the house, even though I tried to explain these are things that NEED to be done. So after were screaming at each other over the phone and now she's telling me she refuses to leave the house without the kids. Her family decided to get in her ear and give input how shell be abandoning her kids if she left.

At the end of said argument, nothing was solved. She begged me to call a lawyer to sign the divorce and be done. The way she is speaking to me-treating me like I'm scum of the earth, eats me alive. And well, out of nowhere she up and left the house. I asked where she was going and I got "don't you f'n worry about where the F I go". I was like, oh, ok then. I was doing so good not caring and not worrying and she knows how to suck me back in. It's honestly depressing and sad.

Edited February 23, 2018 by Peterbilt

[RecentChange]

OP, I don't have much advice besides fight for your kids.

 

My dad got custody of me, and my two half siblings - and that was in the mid 80's.

 

Now.... My siblings bio dad had relenquished his rights, and my dad legally adopted them well before the divorce (I know that makes a big difference). But... Try. I think the courts sometimes really do rule in favor of what is best for the kids.

 

My mom still had parental rights, but us kids lived with Dad after the divorce, and saw mom several times a week (it was written into their divorce decree that they agreed to not move more than 20 miles apart while the youngest was still a minor).

[StoicHusband]

I'm confused on what you want him to "read".

 

Then please, read the rest of the posts in the thread. People have suggested materials that, if he had followed, might have prevented her leaving -at all-.

 

All week we didnt speak one word to each other, all was peace and quiet somewhat lol.

 

 

 

Today, I was off of work because I had to take care of some things I've been meaning to do-she was also home. She was furious I left the house, even though I tried to explain these are things that NEED to be done.

 

Say "I had to go do x" and leave it at that. She's not your owner. Let her say whatever she wants, just repeat yourself "this had to be done."

 

So after were screaming at each other over the phone

 

Don't let her get you screaming too, that's just not gonna get you what you want.

 

and now she's telling me she refuses to leave the house without the kids.Her family decided to get in her ear and give input how shell be abandoning her kids if she left.

At the end of said argument, nothing was solved.

 

It is technically abandonment, but not if you two have an agreement. Her family was bound and determined to interfere, that's just how these things work. I would think a woman has a much better chance of staying married if she had no family, or if they minded their own business.

 

They don't have to deal with the consequences of her divorce... That's why they are so quick to chip in their two cents.

 

She begged me to call a lawyer to sign the divorce and be done.

 

Then do that. You're trying to control her and she knows it. Give her the divorce and you may stand a chance of salvaging your relationship. You won't if you keep pressuring her. Think about what would take pressure off of her and DO IT.

 

The way she is speaking to me-treating me like I'm scum of the earth, eats me alive. And well, out of nowhere she up and left the house. I asked where she was going and I got "don't you f'n worry about where the F I go". I was like, oh, ok then.

 

It's because she is a cheater. She HAS to blame you for that or else she would have to admit she's a bad person... which is more likely?

 

I was doing so good not caring and not worrying and she knows how to suck me back in. It's honestly depressing and sad.

 

It is sad... But you can't control what SHE does. End of story. You can only control how you respond to it. Does a good leader yell and shout and carry on with whatever tone his subordinates set? No. The good leader sets the tone, leads the way, carries on as best he can with the situation he is dealt. Women want a leader, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

-----------------

 

I think it's wonderful you want to save your marriage. The fact is you're going about it the wrong way. Begging, controlling, arguing, etc. You need to read the things that were suggested to you in the beginning of the thread. It was a big mistake to ignore them. If she stays gone you have like a 10% chance (statistically) of saving your marriage.

 

You should make every effort to keep your kids, and let the judge know that you will keep the stepkid too. They like to keep siblings together. That's just how it works. "the best interest of the child" Still, it may not work out. They may ask about the bio dad if she doesn't want the kid. They may ask if you'd adopt him, that would be cool of you/for you.

 

I really hope it all works out. You need to read the 180s tho, also might just search the internet for "how to get wife back after separation" because, buddy, that's where you are.

 

There is hope, regardless of what people say. There is a lot you can do, even if she's not there anymore. There is a possibility of a future together, even if it will take a lot of work and cause you a lot of pain.

 

People will say don't take her back, maybe they're right... You are the only one who knows.

 

Ask me anything. I'll help as much as I can, but hey, I'm just a guy who's in the same boat basically (only no kids, wife left suddenly.)

Edited February 23, 2018 by StoicHusband
messed up quotes

[NopeNah]

Then please, read the rest of the posts in the thread. People have suggested materials that, if he had followed, might have prevented her leaving -at all-.

 

Seriously?..You pop in and quote things that happened after the fact?..You a fortune teller? ...anyways... Not trying to derail this guy's thread.

 

Op..You've known it's over for a while. Offer her a 'buyout',get the kids and go on with your life. No need to get overly petty about things,but protect yourself and the kids.

[Peterbilt]

Alright so here is another update here... sorry I've been off, a lot is going on right now. Anways... so she's planning on leaving possibly next week. She's asking for money which I agreed to once all divorce papers are signed. She had an accidental run-up with my mother at the store. My mother asked her about what was going on and what not. So she proceeds to tell my mother that she honestly thinks we need at least a 5 year separation because she wants time to "live life and be herself"... what that really means is: she wants me to sit around and wait for her until she's ready to come back to a normal life. She's constantly out, 7 days a week, doesn't come home till about 11 or 12 everyday. Claims she's at work, I know that's BS but whatever. But what my mom did say is that it literally bothers her about how calm she was about her decision and she acted as if I was somebody she just brushed off her shoulders. On top of everything, I let this stress me out so bad that it started impacting on my job and ultimately got fired last week. I was handling this so well, but the last few weeks I've literally wanted to do nothing but crawl in a hole. But I won't for the sake of my kids because she does not want them and if I wasn't there, who would be? It's so hard, but I hope that God has better plans for me in the future and this merely just makes me stronger as a person. Thank you all for the great advice you have given me