Preparing in Advance for the Inevitable

[NewLee40]

When my boyfriend and I broke up the last time, a month and a half ago, I really felt like this was finally it. After a year of him breaking up and crawling back to me, I knew for my own survival, I had to stop hoping for a relationship with him. I had to stop deluding myself into thinking there it was love that kept him coming back.

 

So, I went full-on with no contact. I changed my phone numbers, I deleted his numbers, messages, emails, etc... I took everything he ever gave me in a box and put it out of sight. Checked out books on getting over love, attracting new love, learning to love being alone, filled my Mp3 player with "over it, moving on songs" I cried, I feng shuied my bedroom, I prayed, I cut off contact with our only mutual friend. I "came out" to my family about some of the awful things he'd done, in order to ensure they'd never accept him back. I sorted, I processed, I drank, I white knuckled the sides of the chair to avoid calling him.

 

Then after a month, he came crawling back. I shut him down right away. Very proud of myself I was...but those little fantasies came creeping back. He really does love me, he really does miss me, he can't live without me....

 

After obsessing over those thoughts for a week, and having a very weak and vulnerable moment, I had to call him. He wanted me back, he loved me, blah blah. But, then he flipped once again.

 

Ok...so now I REALLY know its over. It HAS to be....

 

But, I also know he's going to come back. He's done it too many times. I need help preparing for the inevitable. Part of me just says ignore...Part of me wants to respond to that by blasting his nuts off.

 

This thread is where I'll come to deal when it happens again.... This time, I must not fold.

[Blackfrost]

This thread is where I'll come to deal when it happens again.... This time, I must not fold.

 

You've said it perfectly yourself. You know in your heart that this guy is going to be pulling this kind of cr@p on you forever. Be strong, good luck

[NewLee40]

I must have conjured the guy up again, because moments after making the following pact with Beth, my phone rang...

 

I tell you what Beth....let's make a pact. Let's decide together not to answer the email or the call until we have done the following three things:

 

1) Wait 48 hours before responding in any way.

 

2) Posted about the attempt to contact us on LS and ask advice/opinions

 

3) Successfully convince 3 people here on LS that it is a good idea to call him back.

 

What do you say?

 

I knew it was him as soon the phone rang because he has a special "ring tone" that I set to remind me not to pick it up - Sarah McLachlan's "Stupid"

 

So...I'm in the bathroom and "how stupid could I be" comes wafting from my bedroom.

 

I didn't answer. He didn't leave a message.

 

But, I'm shaking....

 

My first reaction, like pavlov's little dog, was to smile. He's back!

 

Of course, I know that's bad....but it felt good. I wasn't prepared for it to feel good.

 

I can barely type, I'm shaking so hard.

 

I will keep my pact.

 

Talk to me people. I need help.

[Outcast]

You don't keep putting your hand in boiling water, do you? Calling him back would be the psychological equivalent.

 

Make a list immediately of all the stupid, ignorant, unkind, jerky things he ever did to you. Make several copies. Carry one with you. Post one on each mirror. And if you're tempted to go back to him, read your list ten times.

[Art_Critic]

You don't keep putting your hand in boiling water, do you? Calling him back would be the psychological equivalent.

 

I Agree .. If you know that it is going to hurt and put you back at step 1 why do it ??

He didn't leave a message .. don't try and talk yourself into calling him because he rang your number and didn't leave a message

If you do he wins .. You lose

[NewLee40]

Thank you. You are both right and I know this.

 

What's so strange to me is my physiological and emotional reaction when he comes back. Its so sad. I'm not a weak woman. I don't know why I allow him to do this to me.

 

Whatever the case, I know I won't do anything for 48 hours.

 

I'll work on my list. I'll post it here.

 

For now, I'll just post a suspicion that really pisses me off about this.

 

He usually calls me on a Sunday night or a Thursday night, when he calls.

 

Sunday night calls I suspect happen when he's had a dud of a weekend date and no prospects on the line.

 

Thursday night calls I suspect happen when he's got no plans for the weekend and would like some.

 

Grrrrr....trying to work myself up into being mad.

[Arty]

I can't believe what I am reading, it is like everyone is talking about my ex or hoping he will be my ex 'this time'. Unbelievable, all the things you guys have been doing is what I have been doing, trying to get rid of him then going back etc. I thank God for this site because apart from other info on the net everyone here has hands on experience and I don't feel so alone. Thank you for your honesty. I have made a book on my qualities and the bad stuff he has done to me, info on narcisim etc so that it is before my eyes. I try to stay angry with him and when he calls (which he will) I think of the last time he really hurt me and betrayed me (I am making it really hard for him to have any type of contact with me). He is abusive on all levels. How dare he do that to me, I wouldn't put up with it from anyone else. I work on my self-esteem and get others to validate me so that my thinking can get straight again after brainwashing from him. I no longer view him as someone I love and care for, it is too dangerous for me. I view him as a conman, I am wary and I try to stay one step ahead. The hardest thing for me has been the deception, believing he loved me like I loved him. That hurts. They play the game so well don't they?.

[smile95]

OMG!!!! I went to bed early and missed a lot!!! I have to go to work NewLee, but you BETTER stick to the pact...I know you feel good right now that he called, but PLEASE remember the pain this man has caused. Nothing will change. He just wants the power. I will write more when I get home from work. Please do not call

[smile95]

1 more thing.....I had to laugh at the pavlov reaction....I do the same thing....like "HA he does want me!" Do not think that! All he wants is the power that he can have you back. PLEEEEEASE! What would you tell me to do if my ex called? Tell me and then I will write it back to you. You have given me so much great advice and I am so greatful for that.....try and give what you give me to yourself. I know it is harder to see in your own situation, but I know we both can do this together!

[NewLee40]

Thanks Beth. I have not called him. I'm amazed that I actually even slept pretty good last night and didn't obsess too badly today - but I was very busy at work, so that helped. I wish I had more time to write my thoughts but I will catch up soon.

 

24 hours without returning his call...a new world record for me.

[smile95]

Good for you! Has he called again? Does he usually? Or you don't know since you have never not called back? Write when you can......you have the power now! Do not give it back to him!

[At Peace]

Making that LIST of the reasons and things I didn't like about my ex has been a great help. I can't believe how much crap I swept under the carpet just for the crumbs of a relationship I had with him. The LIST is a in my face reality check...I need to carry it around all the time because occassionally out of the blue, I have bouts of thinking maybe this time he'll change. And I get the urge to e-mail or call him. I think I'm in denial because deep down I want my ex to recognize the hurt he so blithely cause, not once did he ever apologize so I guess its frustration of knowing that I'll never get one.

[At Peace]

Making that LIST of the reasons and things I didn't like about my ex has been a great help. I can't believe how much crap I swept under the carpet just for the crumbs of a relationship I had with him. The LIST is a in my face reality check...I need to carry it around all the time because occassionally out of the blue, I have bouts of thinking maybe this time he'll change. And I get the urge to e-mail or call him. I think I'm in denial because deep down I want my ex to recognize the hurt he so blithely cause, not once did he ever apologize so I guess its frustration of knowing that I'll never get one.

[NewLee40]

Beth, he hasn't called or emailed back. He left no message.

 

At Peace, Yes, I do agree that there is this drive to make him understand #1 What he's done to me and #2 Realize the value of what he's thrown away (i.e. me). Perhaps, if I've learned one thing in the year we've been going around in circles is that he just doesn't comprehend any of it. There's no getting through to this man and its just an exercise in futility to try. Silence, for once, is feeling like its the best communication tool I have with this guy.

 

At the very end of things, he'd started turning the blame for his leaving around on me. We somehow graduated from "I'm sorry, I'm lying, cheating, running hot/cold, because of the pain my ex wife caused me that I can't overcome" to "I lie because you don't trust me...etc.." I recall another LS member saying her ex actually emailed her and said something to the effect of "talking to you reminds me of why I broke up with you." At the end, I could see us going down that road. Who needs to be subjected to that on top of all the other pain?

 

To that end, I feel a weird sense of relief that he did call - even if I didn't answer. After the tone of our last conversation, I felt more belittled than I ever had before. As I said, before, it was always "you are a wonderful woman, I'm just confused." Then it was..."our conversations "drain me" and "let's face it...it will always be drama between US." As if I was a drama queen of some sort..blech.

 

While it takes two to screw up a relationship, there was never any drama in our relationship unless #1 he was lying to me, #2 he was cheating on me, or #3 he was trying to move our relationship from lovers to FWB's and I wouldn't go for it. The latter lead to #1 and #2, because he still wanted FWB's but realized he had to pretend to be committed to get that.

 

I may come up with more later, but here's my preliminary list:

(in somewhat chronilogical order)

 

1. He lied to me for no reason I can see when he told me "You are the first woman I've been with since my divorce." (This, he told me after we'd done the deed the first time...no need to lie at that point. I never asked, didn't care to ask. I should have cared to ask, but of course he would have lied anyway. But, I didn't ask so why offer up a lie? Later, he confessed that I would "freak" if I knew how many women he'd been with in the span of the three months before we met).

 

2. On more than one occasion, after we'd been apart for some time, he would contact me and tell me he wanted to be friends. I would agree to see him and he'd jump on me for sex, tell me he missed me, and then back up and say "I just want to be friends" This IS my fault for falling for it, but he KNEW and I'd made it very clear that I did NOT want a FWB relationship.

 

3. Many times when we broke up, he would tell me he was done dating and doing the personals. That he'd never be in a committed relationship again. Then I'd find him a week later back on yahoo personals, looking for someone to "spend his life with." In fact, our last conversation he was adamant about "I'm not doing the personals ANY More.." 3 days later, he was at it again. He thinks he's being clever by hiding his profile...but he underestimates how clever I am.

 

4. During one of our more "committed" periods, when he was assuring me I was the only one, I accidentally came up on him having dinner with a woman he'd met from the personals. This lead to him chasing me down, saying the "L" word for the first time, and begging me...literally begging me to give him another chance. Which I foolishly did.

 

5. On our one year anniversary of our first date, and our last opportunity to be together before I had a major surgery, he chose to go to a party without me. But, he lied about the party and told me he was going to see a couple of childhood guy friends. I knew somehow in my heart that he was lying, and was very upset. He essentially called me paranoid, blamed it on stress over the upcoming surgery and my grandfather being in the hospital, and basically chastised me for being so needy that he couldn't hang out with the guys now and again. A month later when we were at a party given by one of the guy friends, it became very apparent from the conversation that he'd not seen them in a number of months. His alibi was busted. I called him on it later, and he confessed about the party, swore he wasn't with anyone else, but just wanted to go alone and was afraid to tell me. That's as much of the story as I'll ever get, but #1 there's something wrong if he doesn't want to take me to a party and #2 he lies, so how can I be sure that even the party story is accurate.

 

6. The last lie that led to our break up was a "working late" lie that I found out not to be true. I still don't know WHY the lie, but I know it was a lie. This was when he told me he lied because I didn't trust him.

 

7. During one breakup, he broke up with me because he'd "met someone else" while we were supposed to be dating exclusively. That tells me he's just hanging out with me until something "better" comes along.

 

Ok, I'm all out of time....More later.

[smile95]

wow-you have been thru a lot! Re read your list when you want to call!

Makes me ex seem like an angel-kidding.....lol

 

Hang in there. I am reading my list as we speak!

[NewLee40]

I'm not sure if I really liken it to sticking my hand in a pot of boiling water. If it were only that easy. Once you stick your hand in a pot of boiling water, it is immediate and painful. This is more like the frog that sits in the pot and doesn't realize the heat is being turned up and up and up until he's half cooked already. A pot of boiling water is just that. It doesn't entice you. It doesn't promise you it will stop being hot if you just stick your hand in. LOL

 

No..I kind of liken it to what I call the "Charlie Brown Syndrome." Do you all remember the whole dynamic between Charlie and Lucy, where she tries to entice him to kick the football while she holds it? Every damn time, right when he gets ready to kick it, she pulls the ball away and he goes somersaulting through the air and lands on his butt. But, Lucy is soooo convincing and Charlie wants to kick that ball so bad, he really wants to believe that this time she won't jerk it away. She always does. She always does. Did Charlie Brown ever learn? I don't think he did, did he?

 

But, I need to learn. I'm determined to learn.

 

Well, its been almost 48 hours now, so item 1 of the pact has been kept. Item 2 has also been kept since I came and posted about the call. Now can I convince 3 people its a good idea to call him back?

 

Not tonight...tonight, I really don't want to call back. That may change. I wonder if the next time he calls if I'll be more tempted to answer. I will just have to see....

[NewLee40]

Ok, he's called again. This time he did leave a message. He said he wanted to know about my test results and what the doctor said.

 

Then he had his friend call. Said I could call her if I wanted, but he just wanted to know I was ok.

 

Now what do I do? Anyone out there?

[heartnsoul]

Now can I convince 3 people its a good idea to call him back?

 

Well, (in the nicest way) I'm not convinced

 

I love your Charlie Brown analagy BTW!!

[smile95]

do nothing......remember all the crap he put u thru and keep the power and move on. I am not convinced that you need to call-what will happen if you call?

[NewLee40]

Beth, I must confess. I've let you down. I called him back.

 

My reasoning was simple. If he was to the point of having his friend call me, he's entering into that part of the program where he's not going to stop calling. Frankly, I couldn't take the torture of the phone ringing that much. Plus, I'd been feeling bad that he'd not called to check on what the doctor said, and that's apparently what it was about. Time to nip it in the bud.

 

My first action was to call his friend. Let her relay the message that all is well. I got her voice mail. It probably would have been best to just leave a message with the info. But, I just said I was returning her call and hung up.

 

As I sat there looking at the phone, I looked at his number on the caller ID and felt very weak. Weak because I was hiding from this man as if he had any power over me. So, I said to myself that I had nothing to fear from this man and I may as well call and get him off my back.

 

So, I did.

 

The conversation itself wasn't too hard. I just gave him the facts that I was ok, that the doctors were watching it. He tried to act all concerned and happy. But, I didn't thank him for his concern. He tried to get an answer out of me as to why I didn't answer the phone on Sunday, and I didn't respond at all. He asked about everything else in my life, and I gave him short, polite answers. I didn't ask about him, or ask any leading questions at all. Finally, after enough uncomfortable silences, he said..."well, call me...."

 

To which I replied, "I am not ready for that..." He said, "I guess not..." And then I did allow myself to get a little bugged that he said that given our last conversation. I said, "We left it last with you saying you were going to call, and you didn't. So, don't put it off on me." He said, "I know." Then we said goodbye. It was over.

 

For awhile, I just sat there numb. No feeling at all. Then I started to cry. Just quiet tears. The kind you get when you just feel helpless that there's a way out of your pain and you know this is going to hurt a long long time.

 

And then I got a special, but rare treat...

 

My ex husband called me.....I've not talked to THAT man in probably 2 years. What the hell? Is it a full moon or something?

 

Actually, I do know why he called and it was a timely reminder of the insane logic of a narcissist. I'll write about that elsewhwere I suppose.

[smile95]

I guess I probably would have called too if I had not moved on yet. All we can do is advise you, ultimately, it is in your hand. I just hope that you are not taking a step back.

[sundrop]

I guess I probably would have called too if I had not moved on yet. All we can do is advise you, ultimately, it is in your hand. I just hope that you are not taking a step back.

 

 

Beth,

If you all your ex back, I will kick your tail.

Remember I'm not that far away.....

[smile95]

oh crap sundrop-you found me...I will not call....I want a free lunch from you! lol

[sundrop]

Well Beth,

Sounds like we maybe taking a road trip to Tennesse and do some tail kicking if NewLee40 doesn't quit falling for her ex's ploys.....

[smile95]

I know! We may just have to arrange that!

 

New Lee- i know you wer hoping for the best, but, do you really feel better for calling?