Preparing in Advance for the Inevitable

[sundrop]

Lord,

Wouldn't that be something, 3 heart broken Love Shakers out on the town in TN....?

I have never been to Nashville.

[Art_Critic]

My reasoning was simple.

 

Really there was no reasoning.. I knew you would call Him... So did you..

 

 

You wanted to and you jumped at the first chance you could.. If he hadne't called you would be making up reasons to contact him.

 

What part of NC do you not understand ????????

 

You had him where you wanted him,, You had the power and you HANDED it right back in a matter of hours..

[NewLee40]

Well, no, I didn't jump at the first chance. I ignored the first call, the call from his friend, and when I got his last call, I knew he wouldn't give up. So I called back.

 

And no, if he had not called back, I would not have made up a reason to call him. That is not my pattern with him at all. He's always the one who initiates contact first, the only notable exception was the last time and boy did I learn my lesson on that one.

 

On his first call, he didn't leave a message. So my assumption was that he was just pinging me to see if I was still online, so to speak. It upset me, but I saw no need to respond to that. When he called and left a very "worried" message, then had his friend call me....I just knew I'd have to do something to make it stop. Knowing him, the next stop would be my front door.

 

I don't really understand the concept of "having him where I want him" as you say. This is not a competition or a win/lose situation for me. I'm not interested in winning anything with him except peace of mind. I'm not interested in seeing him "lose." I am not using NC as a means to gain the upper hand with him, manipulate the situation to my advantage, or regain power in the relationship. There is no relationship. NC, as I see it, is a simple way to remove yourself from someone who tries to manipulate you because you aren't healed enough, or far enough removed to resist being sucked back into their control. Beyond that, NC is the natural result of realizing that #1 you really are out of their control and #2 If the person was that manipulative in the first place, why would you care to even be their casual friend?

 

Although I don't think its advisable for me to be in his life in any way shape or form, I do feel at least strong enough and smart enough at this point not to fall for the manipulations. I've heard it all before, too many times, to ever believe.

 

Do I have those "pavlovian" responses. Yep. Is it still fresh enough to hurt me? Yep. My heart is broken in pieces and I long for what I cannot have. But, did I feel tempted or desirous of him expressing his love for me or indicate he wanted me back? Nope. Didn't want that. In fact, I cut him off before he had a chance to go there. For once in my relationship with him, hearing that he loved me or cared about me was the LAST thing I wanted to hear. I couldn't even bring myself to feel appreciative for his concern about my health because I don't even believe it is true concern for my health; otherwise, he would have called sooner.

 

Whatever his motivation for calling, I'm sure it was motivated by his self interest and not any sincere concern for me. That fact has been burned into my soul and I'll never believe it to be any other way.

 

So...moving on....until the next time he calls and I deal with it accordingly.

[NewLee40]

Beth & Sun...you should come to Nashville. We'd have a ball and I sure could use the fun and distraction!

 

Don't worry Beth. I wasn't "hoping for the best." I didn't think we'd be getting back together if I called. Its weird...wanting him but not wanting him, but that's where I am. The wanting him is my heart, the not wanting him is my head. I'm using my head and the heart will eventually follow, I'm sure.

[Art_Critic]

NC, as I see it, is a simple way to remove yourself from someone who tries to manipulate you because you aren't healed enough

 

NewLee.. Him calling you and you not answering and then him calling again and "acting" worried is manipulation.. He manipulated you and the funny thing is you are now defending him and his manipulation..

 

So since you CAN'T stick to NC you have not removed yourself from his manipulations you are not healed and are dragging this process out

 

 

I call 'em as I see 'em

 

You need to think about what you really want from this man..

[NewLee40]

Nope, not defending his action at all. All I said was that that I knew I had to do something to make him stop calling. In fact, I called it like it was...that is, him acting in his own self interest (i.e. using the "worried" tact to get me to contact him). Even though that DID have the net result he wanted from my calling, I don't believe he got what he wanted from me otherwise - which, I suspect was some indication that I was willing to keep an open dialogue going. I shut that down and I believe he understands. He's hard headed enough to try again later, I'm sure. But, I also have learned its not his feelings for me that drives that behavior, rather his need to know I'm there, still loving him, still pining for him. I guess I am, but I didn't show him that. In fact, I believe he got quite the opposite impression.

 

A big part of what I see in myself and women like me is that these attempts of contact by our exes tend to start this whole series of thoughts such as 'he wants me', 'he really does love me', and days of obsessing wondering the reasons behind the contact.... While my knee jerk reaction was such, this time it lasted only for a second because I know the truth and have no fantasies of anything else. No sense pondering and obsessing over why....I just know its the pattern.

 

For me, that's a big step.

 

So, I don't know if you are trying to pull some kind of "tough love" thing or not, but the tone of your posts are rather diminishing to me, and they feel rather condescending at best, and quite mean at worst. Don't care for either, when I came for support and advice. While you might see it as some sort of "weakness" that I called, it took a tremendous amount of strength for me to make that call and get through it the way I did - without falling apart, stepping left at some of his comments when he was fulling expecting me to step right, and closing the door firmly at the end, without leaving any opening for him.

 

I'm just feeling my way through this... And however you care to see it, I'm defintely seeing progress in that we aren't back to square one as we usually end up after he tries to contact me. It may not be a huge victory, but it is a victory nonetheless.

 

What I want from this man is for him to leave me alone, so I can heal. It just might take a time or two of me doing just exactly what I did to make that clear to him. Its new territory for us. I'm done being a victim, and I can stand up to him. I don't need to live in fear of the phone ringing. I will face it.

[francis]

I dont see it as a weakness that you called. I see it as part of the process you have to go through in order to find your path through this.

 

Just do what you have to do, and i dont mean that in a condescending way.

 

Be strong and stay in control.

[Art_Critic]

NewLee...

 

 

I'm sorry you didn't like the fact that I didn't agree with you calling your Ex and your excuses or justifications why it was okay.

 

I wasn't trying to talk down to you, I was trying to get you to see that you are still playing his game.

 

I'm not the coddling sort. and my advice is alway's based on my experiences with straight forwardness. The fact that you see my advice as you have spoken out about tells me I struck a cord... hmmmm

 

Good luck with everything ...

 

Art

[At Peace]

Art Critic,

I'd appreciate some feedback, I've been reading some of your post and need an opinion or slap in my screen saver face. Ok, to make a long story short. I started a thread called MAKING THE LIST(which I did make and posted it) Part of my healing and taking control of my pain was I made a list of what was not satisfactory in my relationship with the ex. And for me, it eased the idolizing him and seeing in truth the ugly side I endured in the relationship. Low and behold (and I explain that on that thread yesterday) The ex, contacted me. I agreed to meet him for dinner and then I mentioned the LIST to him (not the website) Still he was snide and wanted to know what was on my list. I showed him it. (rather I forwarded him it in an e-mail later that night) He responded: "Interesting. I dont have time to really think or talk about it now though. There are things I would say you havent got quite right.

Additionally, Im starting to think that we had totally different ideas

and hopes about and for what was going on between us the whole time."

 

Ok, I accepted this response and that's all I could expect. Yet yesterday I was elated that I had the umph to even confront him and say for the first time what I really thought and today I'm feeling ..I don't know like a loss of a nother kind. The finality of it all. I wondered did I jump the gun in showing him my list. It's like I force closing the door and now I'm feeling ambivilent?

[Art_Critic]

I wondered did I jump the gun in showing him my list. It's like I force closing the door and now I'm feeling ambivilent?

 

AtPeace,

I don't think that you closed a door that was open. You are in the process of taking control over the relationship in your life.

 

Giving him the list was most likely a mistake.

 

The list was supposed to be for you so you could see the light and was most likely written to portray the other person in a not so great light

 

He was probaly hurt/awakened by seeing the list and needs time to process it.

Since you are still communicating with him I would wait and see if he responds to you.

 

If he does then great.. Comprimise is what a relationship is about and communicating is the only way to achieve it.

 

I would however try and go about your life and if somone asks you out then go out and enjoy yourself, that way if he doesn't respond favorably then you are already on your way to healing.

 

good luck

[At Peace]

Art Criric,

Ok. thanks. I see now that showing him was lashing out, figuratively speaking. And now I feel ...guilty. It crossed my mind to even try and explain this to him. Only that seemed like a pattern too, the minute I feel I do something out of line with him I want immediately to apologize.

 

Let it go huh?

[pippen_2k]

They dont appoligise for ripping your heart to shreds do they?

 

A person who cares about you dosent want you to hurt, so I say Give Em Nothing!

[At Peace]

No I will not apologize. He would never understand anyway. Just pointing out what I was unhappy about in his behavior...pushed him away from me. As no one is allowed to criticize him. His image of himself cannot be challenged so by doing so I am a enemy to him now.

[cole]

When my ex and I go through our next round of heave-ho's, I'm hoping Art Critic will be around to talk some sense into me!

 

If there's ever a time to appreciate someone who calls it like they see it, it's when manipulation and love are completely screwing with your head ... I'm not all that sure I'd want to read what you'd have to say, but what you've said so far has made a ton of sense to me - sometimes the only thing we don't want to hear is exactly what we need to hear.

 

Of course, it can't be all reason and logic all the time, but I think your outlook is definitely a necessary part of the whole!

[NewLee40]

I've been awol lately because I've been dealing with a nasty abcessed tooth, which has really set me on my behind for days.

 

Art, it wasn't that I didn't like your advice, it was the tone that rubbed me the wrong way. I don't expect to be coddled, and I also know that when you seek advice you will get some you can use and some you can't.

 

Yes, I do think you struck a "chord" but it probably isn't the chord you think. You struck the chord in me that is sensitive to other people telling me what I think, feel, or want. People have done that to me all my life and it is really a hot button with me. I came here to be as honest and forthright as I could so that I could process through this, and to have my honesty or motivations questioned did poke me in a very sensitive spot.

 

As I said, I wasn't trying to justify or excuse calling him. I don't think I need anyone to endorse or approve of my actions, so what's the point in justifying or excusing it? After the fact, I still think it was probably the right thing to do because I did manage to communicate to him that I'm not playing this game with him any more. Yes, he did get me to call, but he didn't get the reaction he sought. It was progress, and since I am really trying to get over this guy and get on with my life, I felt it would have been more helpful to encourage me that I had the strength to carry on and move forward than to say "I knew you would call him and you would have made up any old excuse to call him" The latter was simply not true.

 

At any rate, the conversation we had was very different and although I had an emotional reaction afterwards, I came away from the experience feeling one step closer to being free of him.

 

It is very possible that he was feeling guilty that he'd not called and didn't want me to think he didn't care about my test results. Again, that was more about HIM than it was about ME. That's the lesson I have to have hammered in my head. Whatever he does is motivated by his own self interest and not what is good for me.

 

And yes, someone please try to talk sense into me if I decide that its a great idea to try to have a relationship with him again. But, I didn't really deserve an ass kickin' for this one.

 

So, it will soon be another week that has passed with no contact. I imagine sometime within the next month that he will call again, but he may not. My plan is to wait 48 hours, post about it here, and then decide what do to after I've received feeback.

 

I've gone back and forth about what to do....I read somewhere that it was a good idea to say matter of factly, "I'm answering this call to tell you that I will not be responding to any more calls. You are not welcome to call me or contact me and all further contact will be ignored." Period.

 

I'm not sure if that will work for me or not. I'd rather not talk to him at all. Maybe I could email that to him.

 

Maybe I won't have to worry about it.

[smile95]

he text me new lee I am shaking! HELP-you there?

[francis]

hey beth, leave the house, go for a walk, away from any methods of communciating with him, go see a friend, go out shopping, for a drive, anything right now to get away from contacting him. or just keep posting here.

 

what did he write?

[smile95]

He claims he is at a football game in my town and I do not buy it. I am not responding but i am shaking and sick to my stomach. If he was in my town all this week, he just text me now!!! That makes me even madder. Oh I am hot right now! I hate this feeling and I AM NOT GIVING IN

[francis]

stick with this determined focus, do not give in, no no no no.

 

stay calm. he's using a lame excuse to throw an sms your way to test the water.

 

imagine the control and power you will behold if you are able to walk away from this message now, knowing you DON'T WANT TO RESPOND and knowing that no good will come of it.

 

You have the power now, if you walk away now you will know that you were the one who finally had the choice and you chose not to go back, you chose not to have him in your life. that is your choice now.

 

move forward.

[NewLee40]

I'm so sorry I wasn't here Beth...I hope you didn't respond.

 

First things first....determine to wait 48 hours before responding. Of course, he's telling you he's in town, so there's this sense of urgency implied because of the limited opportunity to see him.

 

The shaking is normal. It will happen every time he tries to contact you for awhile. Distract yourself.

 

Geez..I think I should give you my phone number. Do you have someone you can call?

 

I'll be online for most of the evening. If you have yahoo messenger, feel free to IM me..my handle is LeAnne8790. Its the same thing on AOL Instant Messenger. Both are up.

 

Hang in there honey.

[NewLee40]

You have the power now, if you walk away now you will know that you were the one who finally had the choice and you chose not to go back, you chose not to have him in your life. that is your choice now.

 

I like this Francis...hope she heard I did.

[magda]

You both should consider deleting messages and texts without reading them. That is true no-contact. It doesn't matter what they say... it's hard to do but worth striving for.

[AllisonC]

Don't let him jerk you around!! Believe me there are others out there who will treat you with respect. You must have faith in yourself.

[francis]

i think it is often a case of power, when someone you care about tramples over your heart and takes your relationship away, you are helpless to stop it.

 

so it's about regaining that control over your life.

 

i spent three months eagerly writing to my ex-boyf in an attempt to 'win' him back, all i was doing was writing him emails and then waiting for the next reply from him.

 

i stopped to think about what i was doing, by replying immediately every time. i was just longing for the next email, going crazy.

 

when i stopped emailing straight away, it felt like i had control over the situation. it wasnt me, bowing down to him. it was about me making a conscious choice not to email him back, not to be waiting around to hear from him and it suddenly felt liberating as if the weight had been lifted.

 

(low and behold, that is when he began the 'chase' and started emailing me with messages insisting that i let him know i am ok.)

 

its all about exercising self control, self discipline and NOT letting ourselves get carried away by our emotions every single time.

[smile95]

ok so now that I am calm....I will fess up......I text him back. His scam worrked to get me to respond. Claimed he was in my town. (I think this was a lie). So I was curious as to why he was here(remember we were LD). So he tells me why he is here and he never stopped loving me and misses me and thinks of me very much. If that wer true, he would have called me to see me before 45 minutes before his so-called flight home. All words. ALL of it! He does not love me. I am mad that I gave in, but oh well. I was shaking so bad when I thought he was here and never called. The smart side of me figured out he wasnot here and that was a ploy to get me to respond and I guess it worked. He totally forgets that he ignored me for a week and would nt talk???? Tries to act like everything is great???? NO!

 

He asked if I was dating anyone and I did not respond. He said he would surprise me next time he is there. (how many times have I heard this???) then his final message was "kisses". What????? SO I told him to have a good flight and he wrote back if that was being bitchy and I said "No, really, have a good flight" that was it. I said nothing to feed his ego and afterwards I knew that he wasnot here. (I did some investigating). Whether he calls again??? who knows....will I be strong enough to realize it is a game??? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!