Art_Critic Posted September 25, 2005 Share Posted September 25, 2005 I am sure he will put on the charm, He might .. But if you are doing NC and DO NOT answer any of his calls or text msgs his charm has no effect on you and is useless. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted September 25, 2005 Share Posted September 25, 2005 True. I just have to tell myself....what positive am I getting by holding on to someone who does not love me the same. Link to post Share on other sites
megabit15 Posted September 25, 2005 Share Posted September 25, 2005 True. I just have to tell myself....what positive am I getting by holding on to someone who does not love me the same. Good question. What positive would you get? What's your answer? Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted September 25, 2005 Share Posted September 25, 2005 well......all I can ever think of is great and fun memories with him and to hear someone tell me they love me. I guess those are not good reasons...... Link to post Share on other sites
megabit15 Posted September 26, 2005 Share Posted September 26, 2005 well......all I can ever think of is great and fun memories with him and to hear someone tell me they love me. I guess those are not good reasons...... I was thinking more along the lines of: You can be POSITIVE that you will get more of the same of what you currently have. Do you want that? Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted September 26, 2005 Share Posted September 26, 2005 I have been avoiding thinking this way, but it is jut happening. I see now that he really must not love me anymore the way I do. He hardly makes time to call me, never calls unless I do first, never even wants to see me, yet he claims to love me??? Ouch....this is a hard thing to accept. I do not want to think that he stopped loving me. I know he says it, but look at the proof! How do I get over this part of it? I still wonder why he does not want to love me and let me love him? Link to post Share on other sites
megabit15 Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 I have been avoiding thinking this way, but it is jut happening. I see now that he really must not love me anymore the way I do. He hardly makes time to call me, never calls unless I do first, never even wants to see me, yet he claims to love me??? Ouch....this is a hard thing to accept. I do not want to think that he stopped loving me. I know he says it, but look at the proof! How do I get over this part of it? I still wonder why he does not want to love me and let me love him? I still wonder why he does not want to love me and let me love him? Maybe he does love you - it could be that this is the only way he is capable of loving anyone. You may have a different definition of love then he does. This is why you must choose for yourself what love is for you. No one can tell you what that is - it is different for each one of us. Decide what love is for you. Then see if you want his brand of love. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 I DO NOT want his brand of love. Would not have to build him up all my life had we gotten married. Thanks -that is a better way for me to look at it. Softens the blow a little. THe fact that he did not reply to me wanting to talk for 5-6 days, equates to me that he does not care or love me......is it possible that he is too selfish to even think about anyone but himslef and when I pop back in his head, he decides to call?And expects me to be ok with that???? I have 100% decided to let go. I DO NOT want his brand of love. I do not think it is supposed to hurt like this. I look at his life growing up and no one really showed him love or how to. Hence, his failed marriage. I see how he "loves" his son too and I do not feel so bad. At least it is not just ME! He will never change right? At least not in the way he loves? Even if we lived closer right? I used to think....if we lived closer, it would be diff, now I am not so sure. Link to post Share on other sites
megabit15 Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 He will never change right? At least not in the way he loves? I am assuming you are asking if he or the relationship can change for the better. It is my experience that people are generally on their 'best' behavior in the beginning of a relationship. After a while, people settle in a bit and let down their guard. They act more natural a little at a time. Therefore, look at the history of events in your list. (This is the reason for the details and dates, not just to cause yourself more pain). Did he or the relationship change over time? Did it change in a positive way for you or are you unhappy with the change? Let the course of events answer your question. Even if we lived closer right? I used to think....if we lived closer, it would be diff, now I am not so sure. How does he treat those he is close to? How does he treat other people in general? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLee40 Posted September 28, 2005 Author Share Posted September 28, 2005 Beth, you STILL keep coming back to the same questions. Are you trying to convince yourself of what you already know? Or convince the rest of us? Let's try some new questions: (there's one rule here, your answers cannot mention HIM in anyway) Where do you want to be in your life a year from now, five years from now? What is some hobby or interest that you could take a little extra time cultivating over the next year? Try something new, something you've always wanted to try? What personal habits or routines do you need to change for your betterment? Do you get enough sleep, exercise, eat right? Is there a personal improvement goal you can focus on? How's your spirituality? Do you attend church, meditate, pray? Is there something you can do to nurture that part of your life? Who are the friends you can count on to bring you up and make you laugh? Can you make a weekly date with one or two of them and vow just do do something fun and keep the topic of you-know-who off limits. What about your career? Do you like your job, would you like to try a new one? What steps can you take to make your working life more rewarding and fulfilling? Here's a few to start. Let's stop asking questions that we already know the answers for and that dont' really help you move forward. Sure, you an say that understanding these things help you get closure, but do they? I don't think so because you keep asking them again and again. Focus on the new questions. Focus on your future. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 megabit- I meant change back to the way he used to be when we met and the yr after......I guess you answered my question. All the good memories are from the forst yr. Some are from recently, but nothing like it was before. And NO he has 0 friends except his boss who is very old. He does not go out of his way for ANYone in his family....so I guess that is my answer again...... At least it makes me feel better to know that when I let go, he is not going to be this wonderful man for some other girl. Most likely a nightmare. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 Yes.....NewLee -trying to convince myself! lol I have to go to work. but I will answer all your questions...thanks for the help guys. Yesterday was an ok day for me and I did really good. Hope today is just as calm. THank God for my puppy! He makes me smile! Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 Before I answer the questions.....I would like to report that the last two days I have been doing so well.....I know I will have a down day here and there, but I am shocked at how I feel. I think I finally have seen that he truly does not love me the way i want or deserve....BOY won't he be shocked (when he tries to get me back again) when he notices I am not chasing him and I do not want him!!!!! It took a lot of everyone's help, but I am forcing myself to accept that it is OVER....wow something must be wrong...I feel ok with that (today) Maybe I just finally realize enough is enough! Where do you want to be in your life a year from now, five years from now? Ideally, married with children...However, if not, I would like to be able to continue to support myself(as I do now) and own my own home and enjoy my family What is some hobby or interest that you could take a little extra time cultivating over the next year? Not sure....any ideas? I want to get back into working out and have thought about (for a long time) volunteering with kids. What personal habits or routines do you need to change for your betterment? Do you get enough sleep, exercise, eat right? Is there a personal improvement goal you can focus on? I get PLENTY of sleep. 10-11 hrs a night....that is not a problem...however....I eat horribly(if at all) and I used to exercise so much and will start that again very soon. I will work on the eating habits. How's your spirituality? Do you attend church, meditate, pray? Is there something you can do to nurture that part of your life? I do attend church.....although not as much as I would like. I have already decided to attend more and maybe help out somehow with the nursery there. Who are the friends you can count on to bring you up and make you laugh? Can you make a weekly date with one or two of them and vow just do do something fun and keep the topic of you-know-who off limits. All my friends live elsewhere....my sister is my best friend aside from my dog! But if I get down I talk on the phone a lot to the out of towners. What about your career? Do you like your job, would you like to try a new one? What steps can you take to make your working life more rewarding and fulfilling? Just got a new job and I LOVE IT! It has helped with my depression. It was tough to go to a job I hated. Now that part of my life is great! I see that I can have a life outside of him......actaully I am so independent anyways since he never was here.....nothing much is changing except my mind set. Link to post Share on other sites
megabit15 Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 Before I answer the questions.....I would like to report that the last two days I have been doing so well.....I know I will have a down day here and there, but I am shocked at how I feel. I think I finally have seen that he truly does not love me the way i want or deserve.... I'm so happy for you that you have had a good couple of days - it's awesome! Imagine how good you'll feel in a week, then a month, in 3 months! Whenever in doubt, look at the list and make a choice. Lee has asked some great questions - you've done a wonderful thing for yourself in answering them. And yeah, puppies are good company. Just got a new job and I LOVE IT! It has helped with my depression. It was tough to go to a job I hated. Now that part of my life is great! I see that I can have a life outside of him......actaully I am so independent anyways since he never was here.....nothing much is changing except my mind set. Congratulations on the new job (and new mind set)!! What is your new job about? Not sure....any ideas? I want to get back into working out and have thought about (for a long time) volunteering with kids. Do you have a local hospital with a children's ward? They are always looking for volunteers for playing games, reading or whatever. There are also volunteer organizations like Big Brother/Sisters too. And getting involved with your church's nursery is a great idea - good way to meet people and work with children. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 Great Post Beth .. Keep going .. NC all the way You sound 100% better already .. Just think how well you will be doing in a few more weeks Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 still doing quite good. I have sad moments, but try to get busy with something and move along. It should get easier right? i am seeing that the daily drama of having him "in my life" being over is nice. Nothing new to worry about or hurt over. I am preparing for him to see I am REALLY done this time and preparing what to say(if I even answer). He will really not believe it. To him, this is business as usual and he feels he can come back. I was asked to go out with a guy on a blind date kinda....I want to, but I am already getting my hopes up! Why do I do that! UGH Well, just a report for ya. I am not calling him and really have no desire to. I try not to think too much about what is going on in his world. I am hoping that I have no relaspes. It seems almost too easy right now? Link to post Share on other sites
megabit15 Posted September 30, 2005 Share Posted September 30, 2005 It should get easier right?.....I was asked to go out with a guy on a blind date kinda.... It will get easier if you get out and be around other people. Not just guys, but people in general - you know - men AND women! It must feel good that people think you're worth dating! I am hoping that I have no relaspes. It seems almost too easy right now? Well, you might dislike my answer but...I do suggest you read your list daily and add to it when new resentments or memories come up. It is way too easy to relapse when we're caught off guard thinking we've got it all settled. But balance it with enjoying the world...it's nice weather for walking your puppy or helping out at your church, going to the gym or out with people at your new job - just be around other people and smile again. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted September 30, 2005 Share Posted September 30, 2005 doing ok still!!!! it is so helpful to not expect a call or stress about it! My b-day is this weekend and I am 50-50 on if he will remember....prob not(he never did when we were together). But if he does text me anything....I will NOT respond! I have figured out that he thinks he can do whatever and I go back(since I have). I am not letting it happen. We has 0 relationship. I did all the work and his work was made up in my head...what was I thinking??????? Link to post Share on other sites
sundrop Posted October 1, 2005 Share Posted October 1, 2005 Hope you have a great Birthday Beth. Link to post Share on other sites
megabit15 Posted October 1, 2005 Share Posted October 1, 2005 Happy birthday Beth! BTW-It's also my mother's birthday! The family has rented a house on the beach for the coming week - so we're gonna have a little reunion of sorts. I can only go for 3 days - but it should be fun! I hope your week continues to go well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLee40 Posted October 1, 2005 Author Share Posted October 1, 2005 Happy Birthday Beth. You are sounding good. He may or may not call, it just depends on what he thinks it will accomplish for himself. Whatever he does, just remember, it doesn't matter WHY. You movin' on girl, so keep goin' on with your bad self Do something special for you. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 1, 2005 Share Posted October 1, 2005 I do not expect him to call. He will not remember. It is on his computer at work, but he does not work today, so he will not call. Plus, that would mean he was thinking of someone other than HIMSELF!!! Not gonna happen! lol Thanks for the b-day wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 2, 2005 Share Posted October 2, 2005 So in the middle of the night(2AM) I get a text from him that says Happy B-day_____(my name)! I love you!!!! I thought it was a dream.I did not respond! WTF!!!!!!!! How can he do this and a week prior he would not even call me back????? I am not responding! I am sure that he will ask me if I got it today. I have to say I am shocked he remembered! Totally shocked! What are his motives? TO see if I say"oh baby, I love you too!" I do not get it! I have no reason to respond right? It is not rude to ignore him???THis is hard. I hate being rude! If I do not respond, ya think he will get the hint to leave me alone now??? I assume he was out if he text me at 2am.....but for a drunk person to remember that it was my b-day is a miracle. I hope it just means that he was lying awake thinking of how he messed up and his life sucks and then he decided to text me! lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLee40 Posted October 2, 2005 Author Share Posted October 2, 2005 I knew he would reach out to you somehow. Good for you not responding. Don't. Also, again, don't question "why" he did this. It doesn't matter. You are moving on. If you don't respond, it will send a really strong message to him. Be prepared that he'll turn up the heat a bit and probably text you more. In fact, he'll probably act all offended that you would be so cold as to not to respond to him, when all he was trying to do was wish you a happy birthday, blah, blah, blah... I really suggest you change you number so you don't have to subject yourself to any more of this. What better symbolic way to show yourself and him that you've moved on, than to change your number. It just cost me $30 to change mine. It embarrassed me to have to tell my family and friends I had a new number, but it was worth it. EDITED TO ADD: It is not rude to ignore him???THis is hard. I hate being rude! Are you kidding me? Did you read your words before? How can he do this and a week prior he would not even call me back????? He was the one who was rude and didn't call you back. Now you are worried about not responding to him? On what planet does this make sense? I don't mean to be rude here myself, but Beth, really. Don't even try to say that he may be rude, but you aren't the kind to be rude. Why do you hold yourself to a higher standard than him? He's an idiot, a jerk, and he IS rude. And his special birthday gift to you was to text message you and get you all stirred up again. What a great guy. You really need to block contact with him. Ignoring him isn't enough. Take it all the way hon..that's the only way. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 2, 2005 Share Posted October 2, 2005 thanks....that really made sense..... He DID text me again at 825 to say "I just wanted to be the first to say happy b-day". I am not responding! It is kinda fun to have the control! lol I am shocked at myself really for not saying ANYTHING. He will get the hint. Thanks....going to enjoy my day with my family! Link to post Share on other sites
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