BrokenHeartedandHere Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 Hello, So we broke up about 2 weeks ago. I love him to death. We broke up due to him not thinking he was good enough for me. He was always thinking of the what ifs and not the nows. It was driving him crazy and he wanted me to be happy. So he broke up with me. He said he could see other people and things. I said that I wasn't planning to.. which is the case. We have stayed in contact. Well, I got super drunk two nights ago. Drunk enough that I legit feel into a bathtub and broke a piece of it off and had to give my friend money to pay for it. I was not able to consent.. but he was drunk too. We had sex. I don't remember any of it. And I will never ever ever do that again. I have stopped drinking all together, and stopped contact with this friend, because i feel that he should have seen my state and not done what he did. But now I am at this stand still.. where I want my ex back. And I want to be with him. Only him. And we are still talking and we are meeting up in two weeks. Do I need to tell him about this instance? It was an awful drunken mistake and I remember almost none of it. And it will never happen again because I will never drink that much every again. If he asks I will tell him. I would never form our relationship on lies, but what do you guys think? I just don't want to make him feel worse about himself when this thing was so meaningless and a huge part of the reason we broke up is he thought he wasn't good enough for me. When he is good enough for me... and I love him. Please don't say anything like you don't love him because I slept someone else.... because I had no reason to suspect this friend would even want to do anything with me. I was just playing a drinking game and drank too much too quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 I think you are right to stay away from the friend who took advantage. I wouldn't tell your EX who you want back. If he asks, you can't lie but if he doesn't ask, don't announce it. It's not like you owed him fidelity after he dumped you. If he does ask you have to spin it: I got drunk. I was upset & vulnerable because you hurt me. You always said stupid stuff like you weren't good enough for me, but what that incident taught me is that you are the best guy in the world. I didn't go looking for that. If you hadn't broken up with me, I would have been out with you that night & none of this would have happened. Your ability to get past this exists but I'm not sure his does. If he doesn't have the self esteem to think he's worth dating, that is not something you can fix or something you want to get embroiled in. He may use this incident to further convince himself that he's no good because you didn't fall into bed with him that fast to the other guy must clearly be superior rather than sleazy to take advantage of your drunken state. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeartedandHere Posted February 19, 2018 Author Share Posted February 19, 2018 Thank you so much for your response. That is what I was thinking of doing. I don't think that conversation will ever come up. If it does, yes I will tell him. But for now, I am just going to continue to work on myself. I am taking at least a 2 week break with drinking. And never playing a drinking game again... and as soon as I get my friends bathtub fixed I am cutting him out of my life completely. I am still shocked by it. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 Under those circumstances I'm not sure you are obligated to fix the bathroom. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeartedandHere Posted February 19, 2018 Author Share Posted February 19, 2018 Yeah I understand that but he got pretty pissed about it. And I don't want any trouble. Im not going to see him... I just need him to tell me how much of it his housing insurance will cover, and how much I need to give him. Simple paypal and done, as soon as he shows documentation that that is what his insurance will cover and the excess amount ill send him. I told him that I didn't want to talk to him after that and he said that he didn't understand why. So i had to explain to him that if I was drunk enough to legit fall into a bathtub, I was not able to consent and I didn't remember any of it. He said that he was sorry and he didn't remember anything either and things. I told him that wasn't an excuse, he saw my bloody elbow from falling and he should have known that it wouldn't be okay to have sex at that point. I am gobsmacked but I just want to move on from this... find friends that wont do that to me... and just move on and be with my ex if it comes to that. I just want to focus on my university work and continue to build my relationship with my ex. Link to post Share on other sites
FilterCoffee Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 I wouldn't tell your EX who you want back. If he asks, you can't lie but if he doesn't ask, don't announce it. It's not like you owed him fidelity after he dumped you. If he does ask you have to spin it: I got drunk. I was upset & vulnerable because you hurt me. You always said stupid stuff like you weren't good enough for me, but what that incident taught me is that you are the best guy in the world. I didn't go looking for that. If you hadn't broken up with me, I would have been out with you that night & none of this would have happened. One of the few cases where I disagree with Don. If you tell him this, he’s only going to feel blamed which will upset him even further. Have you gone through this thread? The OP’s wife had cheated on him nearly 50 years ago and it still disturbs him to this day. In hindsight, had he known about the cheating, he wouldn’t have married his wife even though she’s been faithful to him since (his words). My ex gf left me when a guy she knew for a few weeks convinced her to. Before the breakup, I caught her going to that guy’s house but she still refuses to accept it. A few months later, when she wanted to get back, I said no because I couldn’t trust her anymore. Had she acknowledged what she’d done, I would’ve considered it, but that didn’t happen. I think the chances of you two getting back are very slim because a) he’s not interested in getting back and b) you sleeping with your friend. If I were you, I would just tell him what you did, apologise profusely and tell him that he’s the only guy you want. Don’t beg but be honest and authentic. Tell him why you want to get back, what specifically about him makes him special and what you plan on doing to avoid sleeping with others. It’s going to be a long shot but that’s just the way it is. However, if you do decide not to tell and he finds out while you’re back together, it’s going to be even harder to recover. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeartedandHere Posted February 19, 2018 Author Share Posted February 19, 2018 I feel like he is interested in getting back with me. We talk everyday with one another and he wants me to come down in 2 weeks to visit him. If I tell him, I prob wont phrase it in that way. I would just say... You know you are the only one for me... I did get black out drunk and something did happen. I don't remember it. And it is meaningless to me and I cut him out of my life. I did not consent. You are the only guy for me... And it will never happen again because I wont put my self in a spot for it to happen again. And if he can't accept that... then I guess we were not meant to be. But I do love him and want him back. So I guess we will see how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
FilterCoffee Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 I feel like he is interested in getting back with me. We talk everyday with one another and he wants me to come down in 2 weeks to visit him. If I tell him, I prob wont phrase it in that way. I would just say... You know you are the only one for me... I did get black out drunk and something did happen. I don't remember it. And it is meaningless to me and I cut him out of my life. I did not consent. You are the only guy for me... And it will never happen again because I wont put my self in a spot for it to happen again. And if he can't accept that... then I guess we were not meant to be. But I do love him and want him back. So I guess we will see how it goes. He’s definitely going to ask for details. I still think you should tell him everything without him asking you. Don’t tell him what you two did but he should know you slept with the friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 He’s definitely going to ask for details. I still think you should tell him everything without him asking you. Don’t tell him what you two did but he should know you slept with the friend. Agreed. This will eventually come up and better to assess the damage now than spring it on him later. And as far as not consenting, the guy was drunk as well and can use the same argument. Does all the responsibility lie with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeartedandHere Posted February 19, 2018 Author Share Posted February 19, 2018 Not saying its all on him at all. I don't remember what happened so I dont know how coherent he was. I know he drank less than I did. That doesn't mean anything though. But yeah, it was a bad situation over all. And I was legit bleeding during sex from my elbow.. as there was blood on the bed. And I found out later that I feel in the tub and things and that is why my elbow was the way it was. So its just a **** situation that shouldn't have happened. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 OP, he broke up with and said he might see other people, no? What you both do in your time apart is not the other's business. There is no reconciliation at this point, so I don't think this is information he needs to know. You can sleep with whomever you choose, as can he. No explanation or justification required. Link to post Share on other sites
hgriffin17 Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 He broke up with you, which means you are now allowed to meet other people. Was it too soon? That's for you to decide. What i'm trying to get at is that you shouldn't feel guilty or obligated to tell him what you did. Nothing good will come out of it. If you want any chance with him, then telling him will only make him think less of you. Well, unless he's the jealous type. If so, then that might flip a switch. If you were on a "break" then I would understand, but the fact that he broke up with you also means he has to be willing to break ties with you & accept the fact that you will be with other people. But generally speaking, don't go down this road of ambiguity for too long. You don't deserve to wait weeks on someone. You deserve someonw who wants you and is never willing to let you go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeartedandHere Posted February 20, 2018 Author Share Posted February 20, 2018 OP, he broke up with and said he might see other people, no? Aw ****, I meant we. I don't think he has seen anyone since me. We went out to a gig so maybe he kissed someone if anything. I am not sure though. But I wouldn't mind if he did. I don't really want to know either. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 Before you get focused on getting back together, lets look at him breaking up with you. He said that he felt like he was not good enough for you. This leads me to think that a) he was feeding you a line so that he didn't have to tell you the real reason. Or b) you had been unhappy with aspects of the relationship and had been complaining. It's certainly the breakup line I'd use if someone wasn't happy with me. Thing is, if he really wanted to be with you then he wouldn't have ended it. Please don't waste your thoughts on a relationship which has had it's day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeartedandHere Posted February 20, 2018 Author Share Posted February 20, 2018 But generally speaking, don't go down this road of ambiguity for too long. You don't deserve to wait weeks on someone. You deserve someonw who wants you and is never willing to let you go. Yeah, I am going to bring this up to him when we see each other in person.... because TMI, we still sext each other and things... and I really dont want this to turn into a FWB situation. I want commitment from him.. atleast to the point where he says we are seeing each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeartedandHere Posted February 20, 2018 Author Share Posted February 20, 2018 b) you had been unhappy with aspects of the relationship and had been complaining. It's certainly the breakup line I'd use if someone wasn't happy with me. Thing is, if he really wanted to be with you then he wouldn't have ended it. Please don't waste your thoughts on a relationship which has had it's day. Yeah I think it might be more that aspect. Last time I saw him and he had to leave I cried because I was going through a lot. It was my brothers 9 year anniversary of his death.. and I was in a new city that I didn't know and he had to go. He said it crushed him to see me that way.. and he wanted more than anything to stay, but he couldn't... so he thought I deserved someone that could be around more often and be there for me. I told him that it wasn't like that, and that I was just going through a lot in that moment. He said that that doesn't matter.. he wanted to be there when I was going through a lot and couldn't physically be there. We had skype, but he thought I deserved better. No matter how much I tell him that is not the case, he still thinks ill of himself. But he says that he is going to try to work on it because he believes me when I tell him I want him, even when he can't be there for me all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 Yeah I think it might be more that aspect. Last time I saw him and he had to leave I cried because I was going through a lot. It was my brothers 9 year anniversary of his death.. and I was in a new city that I didn't know and he had to go. He said it crushed him to see me that way.. and he wanted more than anything to stay, but he couldn't... so he thought I deserved someone that could be around more often and be there for me. I told him that it wasn't like that, and that I was just going through a lot in that moment. He said that that doesn't matter.. he wanted to be there when I was going through a lot and couldn't physically be there. We had skype, but he thought I deserved better. No matter how much I tell him that is not the case, he still thinks ill of himself. But he says that he is going to try to work on it because he believes me when I tell him I want him, even when he can't be there for me all the time. I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. You talk about him not being able to be there with you, but you have Skype. Are the two of you long distance? If so, how long was it going to be before u closed the distance? It's a tough thing to maintain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeartedandHere Posted February 20, 2018 Author Share Posted February 20, 2018 (edited) I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. You talk about him not being able to be there with you, but you have Skype. Are the two of you long distance? If so, how long was it going to be before u closed the distance? It's a tough thing to maintain. Well right now its a 2.5 hour train ride to see each other, but we have dealt with me further away as I am from the US, we spent about 5 months skyping almost everyday. But he says that it actually feels worse being this close and not being able to see each other more often because of his work schedule and things. He wants to spend more time with me but just can't. As far as closing the gap.. I have to go finish my degree in the US (one more year) and then I am going to go to grad school in the UK, and hopefully applying for a school in London, so the gap at that point will be closed. I am not just applying there because of him though, it just has a really good Social Work university there. He has done long distance before with his past gf 4 years of it. So its not that he can't do it... but he does find it difficult at times. And thank you for your condulances. It is hard because I am about to be older than my big brother... That kind of rips me apart a bit. Edited February 20, 2018 by BrokenHeartedandHere Wanted to add things about my brother- an aside Link to post Share on other sites
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