Married Young, Now what?

[FortyAndLost]

I got pregnant and married when I was a few months from high school graduation. I was 18 and he was 22, we are still married. I was crazy about him!

 

I spent the next 18 years of my life raising our son. I would work part time cleaning houses. Didn't get an education or experience in the working field. Now...24 years later, my son is grown and I'm lost. I'm 42 and don't want to be married anymore. My mom job is over. I feel like I've wasted the first half of my life and don't want to waste the second half? Mid life? Maybe....

 

Last summer I found myself talking to a man on a regular basis. We had a weekend together and then decided not to ruin our families and stop before it became a nightmare. I wasn't that happy anyway, but knowing I could have an affair and not feel any guilt after 23 years of total faithfulness made me realize I shouldn't be here. It's not fair to either of us. He doesn't know about the affair.

 

Now I still clean houses, but it's not enough to support myself. We do pretty good financially and if I leave I don't know what I'll do financially. As I said I never got an education or ever had a 9 to 5 job in my life. At 42 I feel like such a loser. I don't want to live in the projects and be poor.

 

We get along for the most part. He's good people and pretty much my best friend in the world. We have fun together, but I don't want him to touch me. When we are intimate I feel grossed out after. Like..I've done something wrong. I find myself avoiding it at all costs. I'll lock the bathroom door when I shower so he doesn't try to join me. I won't change in front of him to keep him from getting any ideas. I don't even want to hold hands or cuddle. It feels wrong. Like...I'm with a cousin or something.

 

Is there anyone on here in a similar situation? I need a way to support myself and even if I could wake up tomorrow and be whatever I want...I have no clue what that would be. I've thought a lot about this and feel so stuck. Life is flying by, you only get one and I need a do over.

 

He is still crazy about me and I don't know how to go about any of this. I don't want to hurt him, but I need my life to be mine for once. Not to mention everyone thinks our marriage is perfect. I would be letting a lot of people down.

[somanymistakes]

If you guys are still good friends and enjoy spending time together, do you think it would be possible to rebuild the relationship if you tried and made big changes in your lives? If he tried to romance you rather than taking you for granted?

 

If so, consider counseling. It takes fewer steps to fix your life if what you really need is a relationship fix.

 

If, however, you are really set on living your own life free of family commitments - and that's not an awful thing to want - you have to recognise that it is going to be very, very hard. It's not an easy world out there for unskilled labor, and too many job providers are doing their best to offer only part-time options.

 

As the dependent partner in a long-term marriage, you are generally entitled to spousal support for a short period (the details depend on jurisdiction, of course). If you jump, you probably want to immediately sign up for some kind of education or training, vocational if necessary. Something to give you a sense of achievement and to provide a 'what next' option for you workwise.

[FortyAndLost]

I've thought about this a lot and I don't want to fix it. I've grown up and he hasn't. He is the exact same person I married 24 years ago and I'm not. There's just so much I can't live with anymore. We've had discussions over the years about what I need. When he has listened and tried...it only lasts a few days. He is who he is and I am who I am. We can't change that. I'm tired....and just don't want to do it anymore.

 

I've also thought a lot about school (from a degree to a certificate of some sort) and I just don't have a clue. I've been all over the internet trying to get ideas and I'm still at a loss.

 

Have you looked at rent prices lately? OMG! A one bedroom apartment is double our 3 bedroom house mortgage! How does anyone afford to live??? BTW...I don't want the house. It's falling a part and he won't fix it (hence things I can't live with anymore)

Edited February 19, 2018 by FortyAndLost

[dreamer2018]

Dear Forty and Lost,

 

You have made your decision, and now it’s time to tell your husband. You are currently involved and had an affair. I just caution you to think it over. My suggestion is after you have revealed all the facts to your husband and discussed the options, is to engage a counselor.

 

Best,

Dreamer

[Rusyn19]

In reading through your posts, a few things stand out:

 

1) You got pregnant from him, married him, and were crazy about him.

2) You said he hasn't changed, but you have.

3) Now you want out of the marriage.

 

Certainly, fault can be found with both people in any marriage. However, you seem to be faulting him for being himself, someone you admit readily that you were madly in love with. You raised a son; however, with the kids gone, you feel like you wasted your life.

 

I'm not saying he isn't at fault, but everything you've put here so far indicates that you regret yourself and your choices, because of what you have (or haven't) become. You've changed and it's you that needs something else. Simply, that's on you, not him.

 

To me, this seems more about personal selfishness than a problem with the marriage itself (not that there aren't problems, you just haven't disclosed much and what you have disclosed points to you). To further my observation, you cheated on your husband and now you want out, while simultaneously complaining about rent and the cost of living.

 

This is the stereotypical mid-life crisis.

 

Bluntly, this seems to be extremely selfish and self-serving. I highly suspect that you will be more miserable after the divorce than you are now, because most of your complaints are really about yourself and what you want. I'm not siding with your husband or what he hasn't done, it's just that your complaints are about what hasn't happened instead of what he hasn't done. To confirm this, notice that your biggest fears are around how you'll live and not be "poor," not how you'll grow or move on with your life.

 

I might also add that, in some states, having an affair removes your husband's obligations to pay you alimony (though transitive [1-2 years] alimony can sometimes still be awarded). This may or may not apply in yours, so you might want to check that.

 

And I'll say what many people won't tell you - it is a bit late in life to begin what you're wanting. With even an associate's degree, you're looking at being ~50 years old by the time you graduate. You have no work history, so that limits income severely (as well as desirability in hiring). With 15 practical years of working left, that's not much time to both be able to afford what you need AND save for retirement.

 

If you want to pursue divorce, then your best bet would be to pick up a technical skill or vocation (welding, plumbing, etc.). It's hard work, but the need is there and the money is actually good. Women aren't very common in many of these fields, so that could work to your strengths in hiring/job placement/etc. In fact, you could start your own business in that vocation after a few years and, if (a BIG if) you were good with money and made wise decisions, you could easily be making six figures after 10 years. You could effectively hire employees to keep your business running, and slowly resign yourself to managing the business while maintaining the income. But, this requires hard work, planning, and determination, which you seem to lack based on what you've posted here. I'm not trying to be demeaning or discouraging, I'm just being realistic.

 

However, I think the better option is to have a long, thorough introspection and conversation with yourself; find out WHY you feel the way you do - be brutally honest. From what I see, it's very obvious: you have many regrets over what you haven't done and you're projecting the blame largely on your husband; but, only you can confirm or deny that. Be honest with yourself, then be honest with your husband... about EVERYTHING.

 

If your husband still wants to make it work, then choose to rebuild both your relationship, as well as rebuild your self-image. You're obviously hurting because you feel that you haven't amounted to much, so choose to fix that... and make your husband part of that. Learn some skills you wanted to learn, learn a new language and ask your husband to take you both to the country after you've reached a certain mastery of it, etc. If this is an option, it will make you so much happier and content than any divorce ever could.

Edited February 20, 2018 by Rusyn19

[FortyAndLost]

Rusyn19...

 

I am not faulting him for being himself. All I'm saying is I'm not the same person at 42 as I was at 18. Most of us aren't. I have changed. I have matured. I want different things in my life than I did at 18. When you're madly in love and a scared pregnant teenager you don't consider how this person being lazy will get old 24 years down the road.

 

I didn't feel it important to go through all that's wrong here, but okay....here goes.

 

He cheated on me when we were dating. We were actually broken up when I found out I was pregnant. He wanted to work it out. I wasn't so sure. Found out I was pregnant and took him back. Right or wrong..I was a KID still in high school!

 

Over the years I never caught him red handed cheating or he's never admitted to it. But...there's been so many things. Phone numbers saying "call me, Sexy" or just with girls names on them. He would tell me he took them cuz he was flattered or it was an ego trip, but he never called them. Then there was one he worked with. That he talked to quite a bit until I found out. He swears he never touched her, but admittedly was attracted and intrigued by her. Times he didn't come home at night after hanging with the guys (before cell phones) Girls calling the house and asking for him, when I asked who it was they would hang up. Condoms found in his truck that he has NO idea where they came from. Must have been a friend's.

 

Then there's the issue of smoking pot off and on all these years and lying about it. Even found a spoon and razor blade once in his truck, he has no idea where they came from. I don't think he has a drug problem,but I have no doubt he's tried most things.

 

He's lazy and thinks the only thing he's responsible for is to financially provide, which he always has. I take care of 100 percent of everything else. He called just today asking me to find him tickets to a concert he wants to go to. I have no problem with men and women roles. But....I also take care of the man roles. Or I have to call a friend or brother. I locked my keys in my car at work one day and had to call a cop friend for help cuz he was on his way to play golf and didn't want to bring the spare. We had a water leak one day and my brother had to rush over to help cuz he was on his way to a softball game. My brother's help with all the "husband" jobs around here. Or...I figure it out. I've fixed several things via YouTube.

 

As I said before, our house is falling apart. He's in construction and can do it all. He ripped the tub out of the master bath 4 years ago cuz he wanted to build a tile shower. We still have to go across the house to shower in the hall bathroom. FOUR YEARS LATER! The hall bathroom's floor is rotting out. The hall floor is starting to feel wonky (I'm sure it's rotting as well) Our roof is old so our insurance won't insure it until it's repaired. He's not interested.

 

He's a hoarder...I won't even get into that. You can't walk in our garage. You would literally die if I showed a picture. JUNK! TRASH! You literally have to walk on things to get around in there. I woke up this morning to four used toilet paper holders laying in the bathroom. Where did he get those??? He brings everything home. Things no one needs! We fight about that constantly. Again...he comes by it honestly, like his dad. We get notices at least 3 times a year from the city to clean up the yard/driveway. He'll shove it all in the garage to pacify them and them continue to junk it back up with more stuff. I take care of all the yard work so I get to weed eat and mow around his junk out there.

 

He never took any responsibility with our son. He played with him, but that was it. This is why I only had one. I actually didn't think we'd last this long and I knew raising one alone would be hard, much less more. I actually assumed he'd one day leave me. I never had any plans to leave him.

 

I am by no means perfect. I could go on and on with things I can't deal with anymore, but I won't. I hope you get the picture. I'm tired of taking care of people and everything. If I died tomorrow he'd have no clue as to where to even pay the mortgage payment. I'm tired of not having a partner in this life. I do it all alone anyway (except financially) so why not have less to do and get on with my life?? I don't hate him but I do resent the hell out of him. We've been to a counselor before so I'm not interested in wasting my time and money again.

 

As far as the affair goes....It's not going on anymore. My husband does know who he is (not really friends) but he doesn't live in my state. I have no intentions of telling him. I've not told a soul. Not even my BFF. I'm not interested in trying to get him for spousal support. It's not his job to take care of me if I decide to leave.

 

I do wish I'd done something with my life, but I didn't. So here I am....It's not fair for you to assume I'm not hard working, a planner or have determination. You don't know me. Change just scares the crap out of me. Think about it..I lived with my parents for 18 years. I've lived with him for 24. It's not so easy to just jump ship.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Forty,, yours is a sad story. From what you've written in your last post it appears that you have managerial skills but not the educational qualifications to back it up. Have you ever given some thought to what you could do if you wanted to? Any particular skill that you could capitalize on? What about some kind of home based business? You could do some online courses sitting at home to hone your skills in something that you have a natural facility with. If you have people skills you could get a sales job or work in customer care positions. What about a job behind the counter at Walmart or other stores? If you really put your mind to it I am sure you could come up with something that you like doing and which is remunerative and satisfying. I think the the biggest bug bear for you is fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of being on your own. Irrational fear is the biggest saboteur in this world and only serves to paralyse us into inaction. To be concerned is one thing but to be fearful is wasted energy and emotional capital.

 

I would suggest that you get yourself a book on visualization techniques and practice those and once you have mastered these techniques put them to work for yourself visualizing a better life with money, fulfillment and love in it. The more you concentrate on visualizing it the more your subconscious mind will work to materialize it for you. Do not remain stuck in limbo. What you have written about your husband and the kind of man he is convinces me that you should use that as a springboard to enthuse, inspire and challenge yourself to make a better life for yourself. As they say 'Nothing ventured nothing gained'! Warm wishes.

[d0nnivain]

Never mind . . if he's a pot smoking cheater just leave.

 

If you can before you leave do learn something about the finances. Who holds the mortgage, how do you pay it etc. Consider taking a class at the local high school about high school finance or at least talk to a trusted friend about this stuff. Open a small bank account & a credit card in your name before you leave.

Edited February 21, 2018 by d0nnivain

[FortyAndLost]

Never mind . . if he's a pot smoking cheater just leave.

 

If you can before you leave do learn something about the finances. Who holds the mortgage, how do you pay it etc. Consider taking a class at the local high school about high school finance or at least talk to a trusted friend about this stuff. Open a small bank account & a credit card in your name before you leave.

 

I know all about the finances. I take care of 100 percent of everything around here. I have my own bank account (and even a pretty good saving in there) at a different bank than our joint account.

 

Even though he's been the main source of income all these years I'm pretty independant with everything else. I've had to be if I want it done.

 

Please....if any of you know any young moms, encourage them to not spend their early years only raising kids. A time will come when they are grown and then they'll be 40 and lost.

[FortyAndLost]

Hi Forty,, yours is a sad story. From what you've written in your last post it appears that you have managerial skills but not the educational qualifications to back it up. Have you ever given some thought to what you could do if you wanted to? Any particular skill that you could capitalize on? What about some kind of home based business? You could do some online courses sitting at home to hone your skills in something that you have a natural facility with. If you have people skills you could get a sales job or work in customer care positions. What about a job behind the counter at Walmart or other stores? If you really put your mind to it I am sure you could come up with something that you like doing and which is remunerative and satisfying. I think the the biggest bug bear for you is fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of being on your own. Irrational fear is the biggest saboteur in this world and only serves to paralyse us into inaction. To be concerned is one thing but to be fearful is wasted energy and emotional capital.

 

I would suggest that you get yourself a book on visualization techniques and practice those and once you have mastered these techniques put them to work for yourself visualizing a better life with money, fulfillment and love in it. The more you concentrate on visualizing it the more your subconscious mind will work to materialize it for you. Do not remain stuck in limbo. What you have written about your husband and the kind of man he is convinces me that you should use that as a springboard to enthuse, inspire and challenge yourself to make a better life for yourself. As they say 'Nothing ventured nothing gained'! Warm wishes.

 

Thank you for your kind and helpful reply. I do love self help books/audio. I will definitely look into visualization techniques.

 

Ya know..as demeaning as being a house cleaner can be, I'm pretty dang good at it. I've turned down work because I just don't have time for it all. I've considered making it a legit business, expanding and hiring people. I could make a good living. But....I don't even know where to begin.

[d0nnivain]

Sorry about that. I re-read the sentence. You said if you died, he would have no clue. My dyslexia kicked in & I read that if he died you would have no clue; hence my advice to educate yourself. Never mind.

 

Just get on with it. If you already think you wasted 24 years, don't waste more time.

 

Best wishes.

[FortyAndLost]

Yesterday he left his tablet at home that's connected to his Google account. I went through it actually hoping to find something. Pictures all the way back from 2014, Youtube history, search history, emails (trash and sent) I found nothing. He's not savy enough to delete things and cover his tail if he was doing something wrong. He doesn't know that much about technology or that I could even look up history...haha I don't think he's doing anything and nothing has been suspicious in many years.

 

I sorta wish he'd do something so it wouldn't be all on me. I had a dream he cheated on me and I had to pretend I was mad while packing to leave..when actually I was relieved. I feel like a horrible person...

[d0nnivain]

You are not horrible. You are just unfulfilled

 

He doesn't have to cheat to be a bad partner. Between his emotional disengagement, to being an uninvolved farther, the substance abuse, to thinking bringing home a pay check is his sole responsibility, to the hoarding. . . how much more do you have to put up with?

[standtall]

You should feel horrible. You have betrayed your spouse, violated the oath you swore, and the contract you signed. He has done nothing to deserve this by your own admission. Pretty low if you ask me....which you did...worthy of Dante's 9th circle....

[d0nnivain]

You should feel horrible. You have betrayed your spouse, violated the oath you swore, and the contract you signed. He has done nothing to deserve this by your own admission. Pretty low if you ask me....which you did...worthy of Dante's 9th circle....

 

Wait a minute. Her husband has cheated on her in the past. He brings home a pay check but does nothing else around the house that he messes up with his hoarding that is so bad, the town has cited them several times.

 

She's certainly not blameless & it would have been better if she got out before she cheated but this marriage has been broken for a long time.

[standtall]

Wait a minute. Her husband has cheated on her in the past.

 

Ex post facto justification when she was called out. She didn't mention until 3 posts later, and besides...it was when they were dating...100% not the same. I stick by my opinion....she asked, not you.

Edited February 21, 2018 by standtall

[Just a Guy]

Hi Stand tall, guess you have your opinion of the OP and you're entitled to it. However, she came here for help and advice and while you may point out her flaws to her it should also be balanced out with some advice to her on how to move on with her life. What would be the point of bashing her and leaving it at that? No doubt she is flawed as are most of us but her husband isn't an angel either. By leaving she will not only do a favour to herself but also to him as he may get a woman who truly loves him for who he is and accept him as he is. That would be a win win all around. At any rate I think,, in the final analysis, we are entitled to spell out our views, harsh or not and I think overall the OP would benefit from getting the views of posters from across the spectrum. Warm wishes.

[d0nnivain]

Standtall

 

 

My initial reaction to FortyandLost's first post was negative as well but when I read the other one . . . well my opinion softened. I was all set to call her out too & suggest that she think this through a lot more carefully, but then I read what you call the justification post.

 

 

Again, I'm not condoning her cheating. That was wrong. Yes her husband cheated while they were dating but she said there were always women calling, there were sexy messages & he'd stay out all night.

 

 

Like JustaGuy I found your tone a bit harsh so I spoke up. You are absolutely entitled to your opinion & your tone. But I don't have to like or agree with either.

[standtall]

I'm not bashing, not everyone has the same opinion about marriage. She asked, and I provided my opinion. If we all had the same one, it would be pretty boring around here.

 

As to marriage, when you sign a contract and swear an oath in front of everyone, it holds a little water where I come from. He has done nothing to deserve this...I repeat nothing. She is bored and betrayed him...weak at best, and absolutely wicked in my opinion. Don't get cross just because she didn't get a "you go girl" from me.

[d0nnivain]

What if it turns out he betrayed her too? It sounds like he may have.

 

 

Again, I'm not thrilled but I can't in good conscious tell her to stay because he sounds like a bad partner, not pulling his share.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for speaking more softly in your reply, though.

[dreamer2018]

Dear d0nnivain,

 

 

I agree with the post of “Standtall”. “FortyandLost” has made her choice, and she has the right to choose the path she is willing to walk. I also believe you are accepting her trues as facts while some of her statements don’t hold water. I believe “FortyandLost” has tasted the attributes of lust and desires and therefore feel the other side is greener. It is my thought that “FortyandLost” should first look deep within herself and find the reasons for her pain and suffering. This can be done via counseling.

 

Best,

Dreamer

[vanhalenfan]

Lazy, cheating, pot smoking/drugs - Yes, just leave! The good thing here is your son is already grown so you're really just responsible financially for yourself. It will be a lot easier for you to leave than if you had, say, 3 small kids depending on you, etc. Even though you feel like you are "old", you are most certainly not! You have the whole second part of your life to look forward to. Even if there's not much to show yet, put together a resume and look up ways to enhance it - not lie on it, but there are certain words and techniques that make it appear better (I know you've been a house cleaner, but have you done any volunteer work, even for your child's school, for example?). Start applying to entry-level jobs - as much as you can. Take every opportunity to interview even if you know you won't get the job...Builds interviewing experience It also helps that you won't be time restricted in your schedule since you don't have children to care for at home/drop off at school/pick up from school, etc...Opens up more opportunities as well since your schedule is wide open. There are a lot of advantages to your situation

[FortyAndLost]

StandTall.....I understand your feelings towards me. There was a time when I hated people like me. How could anyone do that to their spouse? What a slut! She deserves to go straight to hell. She should have left if she was so unhappy. But...after being in the situation I have more compassion for those who have found themselves there. I have learned not to judge because I don't know what's going on in their lives. Was it wrong? NO DOUBT! But we all step in stupid sometimes. I wonder if you've been cheated on and that's why you feel so strong about this.

 

Dreamer....I have been 100 percent truthful here. What comments don't hold water? And no...I wanted out before the affair. I don't want out because I've tasted lust. But..the fact it happened and I don't feel guilty shows me I don't need to be married.

 

Everyone else..thank you for the support and trying to help. I really appreciate it.

[Happy Lemming]

To FortyAndLost...

 

I hate to say this, but I think you are stuck. The job market for individuals with limited skills is tough. I've also seen those jobs go to younger people.

 

Do you have any other skills that could be morphed into a career with some education??

 

You mentioned the house was in dis-repair and had unfinished projects, roof problems, etc. This will lower its value substantially. Flippers may not even want it, even at a rock bottom price. So the main asset of the marriage is compromised, as well.

 

This is a real tough situation to be in (from a financial stand-point).

Edited February 22, 2018 by Happy Lemming

[Cullenbohannon]

I feel like I've wasted the first half of my life and don't want to waste the second .

 

I don't want him to touch me. When we are intimate I feel grossed out after. Like..I've done something wrong. I find myself avoiding it at all costs. I'll lock the bathroom door when I shower so he doesn't try to join me. I won't change in front of him to keep him from getting any ideas. I don't even want to hold hands or cuddle.

 

If you don't feel bad about the affair, that's for you to live with. Making your husband feel unworthy of intimacy, and GROSS, is intentionally inflicting damage.

 

No one deserves to be made to feel like that. If you truly feel you wasted the first half of your life married to this man, then don't waste the second half of his life. You are right, you shouldn't be married. Divorce him. File right away.

Edited February 22, 2018 by Cullenbohannon