Married Young, Now what?

[dreamer2018]

Dear FortyAndLost,

 

It’s okay to want out of your marriage, and that is totally your decision. I believe you are going about it the wrong way by making wrong decisions. Unlike some others, I don’t think it’s too late to start the second chapter of your life with success. To be honest with you, it will be a difficult path but not an impossible one. The following would be my recommendations for you…

 

1.) Complete a self-assessment of yourself and think about the following.

a. What are your talents?

b. What are you passionate about doing?

c. What are your favorite topics or subjects you like to discuss?

You will need to determine which path of education to pursue, e.g., technical training or college.

 

2.) Talk with a career counselor to help with this process.

3.) Speak with your husband and be transparent about your wants and desires and the need to divorce.

4.) He must be told about the affair. He is presently your husband and has taken care of you financially for many years, and he deserves the truth.

 

I believe you should exit your marriage with dignity and respect with your head high. This can only be done by doing the right thing.

 

If you need any advice on how to migrate down the path of a new career, I would be willing to help. I have taught at a major university and college and I know about career development.

 

Best,

Dreamer

[StoicHusband]

Hi, devil's advocate here... Just thought I'd offer some advice that goes against the grain of the thread to present you with a few options. I'm much younger than you and less experienced. But I have been a less-than-perfect husband... so hear me out.

 

I wanna say before I respond to your more-detailed post, you have every bit of license to leave if you so wish... but it's possible that won't make you happy. You said yourself he is like your best friend. The suspected affairs, the neglect for you and the home, the hoarding, the icky feeling after intimacy... It all adds up to "duck out if you want".

 

I am not faulting him for being himself. All I'm saying is I'm not the same person at 42 as I was at 18. Most of us aren't. I have changed. I have matured. I want different things in my life than I did at 18. When you're madly in love and a scared pregnant teenager you don't consider how this person being lazy will get old 24 years down the road.

 

This falls under the pretense of "you can't change" which is false. He can change, and most likely if you divorce him, he will change... just consider that. Men ALWAYS do after a divorce. Divorce costs them the person they care for the most, how would that affect you? Not at all? Yeah right.

 

I didn't feel it important to go through all that's wrong here, but okay....here goes.

 

Details matter, don't bury the lead when you're seeking advice. Good call going into detail.

 

He cheated on me when we were dating. We were actually broken up when I found out I was pregnant. He wanted to work it out. I wasn't so sure. Found out I was pregnant and took him back. Right or wrong..I was a KID still in high school!

 

That was when you were kids... You've said so yourself. Still not a great start, admittedly, but you can't really hold this against him a quarter of a century later. It's just not how it works. Am I crazy?

 

Over the years I never caught him red handed cheating or he's never admitted to it. But...there's been so many things. Phone numbers saying "call me, Sexy" or just with girls names on them. He would tell me he took them cuz he was flattered or it was an ego trip, but he never called them. Then there was one he worked with. That he talked to quite a bit until I found out. He swears he never touched her, but admittedly was attracted and intrigued by her. Times he didn't come home at night after hanging with the guys (before cell phones) Girls calling the house and asking for him, when I asked who it was they would hang up. Condoms found in his truck that he has NO idea where they came from. Must have been a friend's.

 

This looks bad, won't even touch that... this is what gives you license to leave most of all in my book. But you obviously didn't feel that way at the time, so, idk what to say. The past is in the past. You have to worry about what you can control, not what you can't.

 

Then there's the issue of smoking pot off and on all these years and lying about it. Even found a spoon and razor blade once in his truck, he has no idea where they came from. I don't think he has a drug problem,but I have no doubt he's tried most things.

 

Some weed? No big deal. The other ****... are you sure they were used for drugs? Pretty common items for construction workers... Unless they were found in a drug context it would be best not to assume. The lack of a drug problem removes and license for you to leave in this situation. Drug use is different than drug abuse. That's just my opinion.

 

He's lazy and thinks the only thing he's responsible for is to financially provide, which he always has. I take care of 100 percent of everything else. He called just today asking me to find him tickets to a concert he wants to go to. I have no problem with men and women roles. But....I also take care of the man roles. Or I have to call a friend or brother. I locked my keys in my car at work one day and had to call a cop friend for help cuz he was on his way to play golf and didn't want to bring the spare. We had a water leak one day and my brother had to rush over to help cuz he was on his way to a softball game. My brother's help with all the "husband" jobs around here. Or...I figure it out. I've fixed several things via YouTube.

 

That's ****ty. It's a common problem tho. Women nag, men withdraw, women stop trying, men think it's all good, women make an exit strategy, women leave, men improve... but it's "too late". A separation might actually be just the ticket here. Just a thought.

 

As I said before, our house is falling apart. He's in construction and can do it all. He ripped the tub out of the master bath 4 years ago cuz he wanted to build a tile shower. We still have to go across the house to shower in the hall bathroom. FOUR YEARS LATER! The hall bathroom's floor is rotting out. The hall floor is starting to feel wonky (I'm sure it's rotting as well) Our roof is old so our insurance won't insure it until it's repaired. He's not interested.

 

If you cooked all day at work, you'd probably wanna order out when you get home. It's pure logic here. But instead of saying "when are you going to -finish your projects-"... Try asking for what you WANT. Not "The bathroom is STILL BROKEN?!?" But "I want to be able to use this bathroom by -scheduled time-". There is a difference.

 

He's a hoarder...I won't even get into that. You can't walk in our garage. You would literally die if I showed a picture. JUNK! TRASH! You literally have to walk on things to get around in there. I woke up this morning to four used toilet paper holders laying in the bathroom. Where did he get those??? He brings everything home. Things no one needs! We fight about that constantly. Again...he comes by it honestly, like his dad. We get notices at least 3 times a year from the city to clean up the yard/driveway. He'll shove it all in the garage to pacify them and them continue to junk it back up with more stuff. I take care of all the yard work so I get to weed eat and mow around his junk out there.

 

Throw it all away. And also, same thing... stop saying "You hoard too much" (that's nagging...) say instead "I want to be able to use the garage as a garage by -scheduled time-" And do everything YOU can to make that happen. Garage sale? Donations? Trash pile? Whatever. Let him know of your plans and desires to have the garage... then take actions if he doesn't.

 

He never took any responsibility with our son. He played with him, but that was it. This is why I only had one. I actually didn't think we'd last this long and I knew raising one alone would be hard, much less more. I actually assumed he'd one day leave me. I never had any plans to leave him.

 

In reality, you kinda used him for support. That's just me being real, I'm not trying to offend. Having someone's kid doesn't make them your slave.

 

This should have been another situation where you say what you want instead of nagging. "Why do I always have to do everything for the child?" (wrong) "I want you to take more responsibility for Junior" (correct)

 

I am by no means perfect. I could go on and on with things I can't deal with anymore, but I won't. I hope you get the picture. I'm tired of taking care of people and everything. If I died tomorrow he'd have no clue as to where to even pay the mortgage payment. I'm tired of not having a partner in this life. I do it all alone anyway (except financially) so why not have less to do and get on with my life?? I don't hate him but I do resent the hell out of him. We've been to a counselor before so I'm not interested in wasting my time and money again.

 

I can recommend a book called "The Divorce Remedy" and I can't recommend it STRONGLY enough... Especially for you, because you sound like one of those people who will be miserable after the divorce...

 

Other than that, why do you need a divorce to live your own life? Start now! Start your business, have him do some of the things you do for him (or else let him do without them), move into Junior's old bedroom. Stop hiding the way you feel, especially about intimacy. Take up a job, school, go out, etc... The marriage isn't stopping you from doing these things, your attitude toward it IS.

 

As far as the affair goes....It's not going on anymore. My husband does know who he is (not really friends) but he doesn't live in my state. I have no intentions of telling him. I've not told a soul. Not even my BFF. I'm not interested in trying to get him for spousal support. It's not his job to take care of me if I decide to leave.

 

You've been married a LONG time... one weekend of doubts, etc, doesn't mean that it isn't a good marriage. Look at the world today... wife swappers, singers, BDSM clubs, polyamory, single forever, etc etc etc.... just because a person cheats once in 25 years doesn't mean they're bad at monogamy... It's not a hard concept to wrap your head around. You have done GREAT! (all things considered).

 

I do wish I'd done something with my life, but I didn't. So here I am....It's not fair for you to assume I'm not hard working, a planner or have determination. You don't know me. Change just scares the crap out of me. Think about it..I lived with my parents for 18 years. I've lived with him for 24. It's not so easy to just jump ship.

 

You have done something with your life. There's no way you've told us all about yourself. Surely there is more to you than being the errand-runner and one boy's mother... Everything you've done has made you who you are (a woman who is now hell-bent on bettering herself). This is standard midlife-crisis thinking. You want to undo the last 25 years, but you can't. So instead you will poison your memory of them.

 

If I was you (and I wanted to play both angles, which is smart): I'd just say "I'm not going to do -that- anymore..." whatever it is that was bothering me. I would start doing all the things I thought I'd do after divorce. I'd stop doing all the things that irritate me. I might even move out and stay married. Explaining to him "all these things would have to change before I could consider our marriage an option".

 

I just think that you have this binary idea of what your marriage can/must be. I realize he'll resist. I realize it won't be easy. I realize there will be consequences. Late fees on mortgage payments, bills, nasty dishes in sink, laundry piling up, arguments about "HEY!? Who threw away my box of 75 doorknobs?!".

 

In the end this is your life too, and you're been acting like you're an accessory in HIS LIFE. That's the problem, not all that other ****. Check out the book I recommended. It's written for people in your position, seriously. You can still decide to divorce him and go live somewhere else. It just helps to be educated beforehand.

 

-------------------------------Before I get hateful replies---------------------------------------

I just offer this as another way of looking at things. Many things I have said are not necessarily what I think/feel about this situation (if we've gotten the whole truth, which there's no way we can in this forum)... but I do feel like the opposite side of the coin can be helpful.

 

Surely she can come and unsay everything I've said, and great for her. I just feel like sometimes someone should defend marriage. I've seen marriages make people miserable... but not NEARLY as often as I've seen divorce make people feel the exact same way.

 

Best of luck, 40. I really do hope you check out the book and that everything works out for you. (whatever you decide)

[William]

Moderation stopping by with a two-prong directive:

 

1. Postings on LoveShack.org are to be considered valid and truthful for purposes of discussion. There are no mind readers here so play the troll/liar game at your own peril.

 

2. The topic is posted in our Separation and Divorce forum evidently because the topic starter is considering separating and/or divorcing. Here's the relevant material:

 

Is there anyone on here in a similar situation? I need a way to support myself and even if I could wake up tomorrow and be whatever I want...I have no clue what that would be. I've thought a lot about this and feel so stuck. Life is flying by, you only get one and I need a do over.

 

He is still crazy about me and I don't know how to go about any of this. I don't want to hurt him, but I need my life to be mine for once. Not to mention everyone thinks our marriage is perfect. I would be letting a lot of people down.

 

Their mention of a past affair by themselves or their spouse is relevant, but only to the topical material. It's not license to engage in forensics or anti-affair rhetoric or interrogation. Moderation is quite knowledgeable about the tactics and identities of the factions involved in such matters. Don't go there.

 

New member, let's help them out and work through this difficult time. Thanks!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Forty, it's been sometime since you posted. Any updates? Have you made any progress on your plans for setting up some sort of home business? Your idea for a home cleaning service seems to have been a good one. There would be a good demand for something like that. If you are good with your hands you could also think of things like home made special dishes or hand made jewellery or any of a number of things. Just keep at it and something will click. Warm wishes.

[Unhappy_Nerd]

Hi Forty,

 

I had somewhat similar personal circumstances before asking for my divorce, but from the other side - particularly on the cringeworthy sex life.

 

I asked for a divorce after an 18 year marriage, and regardless of what other background circumstances that may exist, you should do what you think will make you happy. StandTall harped on me as well about being a vow-breaker, etc., when I was asking for advice, but there are plenty of people here who are trying to help. Also, if it looks like your having a mid-life crisis to other people, then just own it. It doesn't matter what other people think about your divorce, as long as you are more satisfied with your life in the end.

 

Another member, Alsudduth suggested a book to me - "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay", and it was quite useful in helping me make up my mind on leaving...It's been almost two months since we separated, and it will be a few more before we can actually finalize the divorce, but I'm already much happier with my life, and I feel that for me it's been worth all of the disruption.

[standtall]

Hi Forty,

 

 

StandTall harped on me as well about being a vow-breaker, etc., when I was asking for advice, but there are plenty of people here who are trying to help.

 

Harped? and an inference of not helping? I beg to differ..just because I have a different opinion and didn't tell you what you wanted to hear doesn't qualify as " not helping and harping" . Besides you two asked...

[happyhusband0005]

Thank you for your kind and helpful reply. I do love self help books/audio. I will definitely look into visualization techniques.

 

Ya know..as demeaning as being a house cleaner can be, I'm pretty dang good at it. I've turned down work because I just don't have time for it all. I've considered making it a legit business, expanding and hiring people. I could make a good living. But....I don't even know where to begin.

 

Well there you go, this is exactly what I was going to suggest. I don't think a house cleaner is a demeaning job at all. I know a woman who started a house cleaning business about 7 years ago. Now she has about 20 crews doing houses and offices. She lives in my town (wealthiest town in the state ), drives a Mercedes SUV and has a little convertible for the summer, so she is doing quite well with the little business. BTW she started this business when she got divorced. There are lot of resources you can utilize. If you have enough work to be turning some down that could be a very positive thing for starting a business. There are many books about running your own business and marketing and managing employees. If you have some savings you could get pretty far on little money in a house cleaning business. My house cleaner does our house once a week with two other people helping her. From what I gather she does 3-4 houses a day and we pay her 120 a week. So my guess is with one crew she is grossing about 100-110k a year. They mainly use our supplies (cleaning solutions paper towels etc.) So I'm thinking she is personally taking home (before taxes) 40-50k. The big question I have for you is are you working for someone now or are you doing houses independently? If your doing it independently really you have your own business now.

 

That is your answer, formalize what you are doing now start running it as a business look at what your charging and make sure you're getting what the service is worth in the market. I would assume you would be entitled to some spousal support so you should have some cushion until your new business is fully supporting you.

 

Good luck.

Edited March 20, 2018 by happyhusband0005