Dating women over 40... I just don’t get it

[jdesey]

I just don’t get it. With women over 40 that I am trying to date and express interest in the go totally dark. This is not where I reached out to them, but where they have reached out to me first with an online dating site. You would think that women want to actually meet if they’re on a dating site and expressed interest first. I’m even on a dating site where the women have to make the first move. . But I find that to be the minority. I’m a decent looking guy and work very hard to stay in shape and be healthy. It just seems when it comes to actually setting up a date a lot of women flake out and go silent. Anyone have any thoughts?

[ChatroomHero]

I have kind of found women in this age range seem to act like what I remember from dating 20 year olds. They seem to run really hot and cold. I don't know if it is gun shy or what, but with more than a few they will do everything to keep contact, then when it is time to put up or shut up disappear. Unlike 20 year olds, for some reason they pop back up a couple months down the road like nothing happened and pull the same thing.

 

 

With women around 35-40s I have a much more laid back approach, I ask them out once. Either we go out in a short time frame or I don't care how interested they act, I stop feeding the beast. It's how I wish I would have handled dating in my 20s.

 

 

The messed up thing is I find it much easier now to actually date 24-30 year olds. I have less in common but if they are interested we just go on dates, no excuses, no last minute cancellations etc. I have a suspicion some women in their 40s are just reverting back to what they know and behaving like they did when they were young and dating.

[lurker74]

That's not been my experience. Granted, women in their 40s are not my bread and butter but I've been with a few recently. And they seem very aggressive to me. It's the late 20s and early 30s in OLD that flake on me but I assume that's because they have a lot more options.

 

In RL, 20s and 30s are great to meet because if they like you, the date is a sure thing. But on Bumble, I get women who are very aggressive. Twice in the last ~ 10 days the first message I got from women in their early 40s included their phone number.

[CloudyHead]

Men over 40 "go dark" on OLD all the time. I'm a female over 40. There was always a 50/50 chance whether a man would maintain interest communicating on OLD. Odds became less when an actual meeting was arranged. I was stood up more than once.

 

In my opinion, there are several possible reasons. I think many people on OLD are married and are seeking attention - more of a "catch and release" game - and have no intention of meeting in person. Some feel that there's a bigger better deal on the next profile and quickly lose interest as they are moving on to the next BBD. Some are lazy and don't want to put forth the effort. The list can go on and on . . .

[mortensorchid]

I don't think that is indicative of whatever age you happen to be, people always go poof on OLD after a while. A good rule of thumb (and yes, another one of my rules) is that if either party has not offered their phone number to the other after 4 or 5 emails on the website, this person is going to one day go poof or you are resigned to a lifetime of correspondence of airy chit chat about your day.

 

There have been times when I have gotten into correspondence with someone for weeks, others months, and I kept seeing the same thing happen when I realized he wasn't asking me out or even offering a phone number. There were times that I offered HIM my phone number and he would not take it and either continue to write me on the website or go poof. A real acid test is if you meet someone on Tinder or Bumble and offer them a phone number there. Once I met someone from Tinder, I sent him my phone number a few hours before we met. After we met, he texted me the next day through the app. I knew then that this wasn't going to go anywhere, and it didn't. Eventually we tapered off with the texting, it was me responding to a text he sent about something, and then he went poof. He was socially awkward anyway.

 

Always remember that communication is key to anything and everything rather than just limping along or playing nice or whatever else. Be direct and clear, yet also allow for nature to take its course in some ways.

[SevenCity]

I've had this experience as well. My defense is to ask them out within 4-5 messages.

 

A lot will just stop responding, yet others will continue the conversation ignoring the question!

 

Me: Let's meet up for a drink, when are you free to get together?

Her:So how long have you been doing x? (Or some other completely unrelated statement)

 

My next move is to unmatch them.

 

Conversely, if a woman wants to meet you she will enthusiastically say yes, and agree to give you her phone number.

 

If found the hotter they are, the more likelihood of flaking. You have to realize she could be chatting with dozens of other guys. Even the so so ones get A LOT of attention on OLD.

 

So I've learned to cut to the chase and not let things go too long before meeting. I learned this the hard way thinking you had to build up a connection to ask them out. That wasted weeks of my time.

 

Don't put up with time wasters. If I don't get a response to my message to them (this is on bumble) within 5 days I unmatch. If they don't agree to meet up or avoid the question I unmatch. If they take too long between responses I unmatch.

 

If a chick really wants to meet, she will want to set things up ASAP.

[ChatroomHero]

That's not been my experience. Granted, women in their 40s are not my bread and butter but I've been with a few recently. And they seem very aggressive to me. It's the late 20s and early 30s in OLD that flake on me but I assume that's because they have a lot more options.

 

In RL, 20s and 30s are great to meet because if they like you, the date is a sure thing. But on Bumble, I get women who are very aggressive. Twice in the last ~ 10 days the first message I got from women in their early 40s included their phone number.

 

 

 

I don't do OLD, maybe it's different. It surprises me though, I figured late 30s early 40s would be more straight forward and direct, I just don't really see that. I see more wishy-washy, let's do it, oh something came up at the last minute and then a week later rinse and repeat. I chalk it up to bad experiences in their past and not wanting to seriously date.

[MsJayne]

If this happens regularly I would think maybe there's something about your profile or the way you communicate with them that's scaring them away. Back in the days that I used date sites I would often 'like' some guys profile, but that didn't mean I thought he'd be attracted to me. For example, I might read a well-written profile, note that the guy is good-looking, send him a like. Then he might like me back and send me a message. I would look at his profile again, and note something about him that I casually overlooked the first time, like maybe I notice that his sport is base-jumping and he prefers a woman who will do that with him. Or maybe there's a photo of him at the wheel of his Bentley and I assume he wants a supermodel. Or maybe he sings karaoke. Whatever, I'd chat for a minute but then withdraw because I either think he's out of my league, or there's something about his profile that was off-putting, or he's said something that raised a flag. Date sites really are a crap way to meet someone

[jdesey]

All valid points. I guess I’m trying to be logical about women and I know logic and women don’t know him again. This dating game is enough to make somebody want to just give up.

[jdesey]

Most recently. Woman sends first message to me OLD. I REPEAT,, she made the first move. Totally engaged and I ask her out fur that Friday a week ago. Her son has medical issue and she cancels, totally understandable. A little texting and said hi today. I ask her out I’ll know she doesn’t have her know do this week or weekend. Total silence.

Obviously I’m moving on. But I am dumbfounded.

[somanymistakes]

Look, these people don't know you and you don't know them. It doesn't matter that they 'made the first move'. That doesn't mean they're seriously interested in you.

 

Some people go on OLD just for an egoboost and have no interest in meeting up at all. Others have busy lives and if something comes up, they aren't going to feel bad about ditching some random guy online that they don't know at all. They don't feel any obligation to you. Same deal if something comes along that looks more interesting to them. They're not actually dating you yet, so they don't feel bad about dropping you.

[thefooloftheyear]

Can;t say if this is the case here, but I get the feeling some guys think older women are(or should be) total laydowns....Then they get annoyed if they are actually selective...

 

TFY

[Chilli]

I have kind of found women in this age range seem to act like what I remember from dating 20 year olds. They seem to run really hot and cold. I don't know if it is gun shy or what, but with more than a few they will do everything to keep contact, then when it is time to put up or shut up disappear. Unlike 20 year olds, for some reason they pop back up a couple months down the road like nothing happened and pull the same thing.

 

 

With women around 35-40s I have a much more laid back approach, I ask them out once. Either we go out in a short time frame or I don't care how interested they act, I stop feeding the beast. It's how I wish I would have handled dating in my 20s.

 

 

The messed up thing is I find it much easier now to actually date 24-30 year olds. I have less in common but if they are interested we just go on dates, no excuses, no last minute cancellations etc. I have a suspicion some women in their 40s are just reverting back to what they know and behaving like they did when they were young and dating.

 

Not really . they just have sooooo much extra baggage and brain fk with another 10 or 20 yrs of life that just really seems to mess them up.

[GemmaUK]

You say you're on a site where women have to make the first move - so - well, they are going to do that.

 

I might like the look of a man and his profile but if I get talking and either it doesn't interest me or I feel we are totally not compatible then I won't meet him.

 

Even when I make first contact it doesn't mean either of us will actually be interested. Fist contact does not equal a definite date.

[CptInsano]

My experience in OLD was short but exactly the opposite. The women (over 40) wanted to meet as soon as possible to make sure you're real and not waste time chatting.

[Popsicle]

I have learned that on Tinder, many men swipe right on EVERY woman.

 

Take a moment to think about why that is.....

 

Now that you’re on Bumble where the woman makes the first move, you experience the same thing....where the women are swiping on every man there, even though she may not really be interested. It’s just to make them ALL an option. It’s greed and fear of rejection bundled together. So don’t be surprised if you get a lot of flakiness and indecision. I still think POF is the best dating site out there. No swiping and high volume.

[thefooloftheyear]

I have learned that on Tinder, many men swipe right on EVERY woman.

 

Take a moment to think about why that is.....

 

Now that you’re on Bumble where the woman makes the first move, you experience the same thing....where the women are swiping on every man there, even though she may not really be interested. It’s just to make them ALL an option. It’s greed and fear of rejection bundled together. So don’t be surprised if you get a lot of flakiness and indecision. I still think POF is the best dating site out there. No swiping and high volume.

 

 

Interesting....

 

It's almost like one of those Chinese Buffets...People just pick little of everything and stuff it on the plate, even if they may not like it...Then they'll take little samples or not eat what they picked and throw out more than half a plate of food..

 

Zero experience...Maybe they should make people pay a nominal fee for initiating contact....Might eliminate what you are describing?? I dunno..

 

TFY

[nospam99]

I still think POF is the best dating site out there. No swiping and high volume.

 

Agreed. A little off topic here, but another 'nice' thing about POF:

 

'Intent' setting:

I'm looking for Casual dating/No Commitment

I want to date but nothing serious

I want a relationship

I am putting in serious effort to find someone

I am serious and I want to find someone to marry

 

And 'I am looking for' setting (interesting that there's no explicit Sex/Hookup choice here):

Hang Out

Friends

Dating

Long Term

 

Between these two settings it's a great help getting an initial read on what the person is looking for. With respect to swiping, POF has a priced 'upgrade' that includes a feature called 'Meet Me' which is the same idea as swiping.

[ChatroomHero]

Most recently. Woman sends first message to me OLD. I REPEAT,, she made the first move. Totally engaged and I ask her out fur that Friday a week ago. Her son has medical issue and she cancels, totally understandable. A little texting and said hi today. I ask her out I’ll know she doesn’t have her know do this week or weekend. Total silence.

Obviously I’m moving on. But I am dumbfounded.

 

 

 

Don't read too much into the first move. Because a woman indicates interest, it does not mean you have the upper hand or she is actually highly interested and going to chase you much after that. I see a lot of people posting "but she made the first move", like she can't get turned off in conversation or lose interest.

 

 

More than likely she wanted attention and maybe is not fully committed to actually anything real.

[Michelle ma Belle]

First, how old are you? What is the typical age gap you're talking about?

 

Second, I agree that this has nothing to do with age specifically but just how OLD operates. If I had a dime for every flake I encountered during my time on OLD regardless of someone's age, I would be a very rich woman. This isn't exclusive to women never mind older women.

 

Third, speaking as an 'older' woman who has often dated younger men, TFY made a good point that many guys have this preconceived notion that we're either desperate and/or overly keen to secure a date and therefore should be so grateful for any attention we get that when it actually backfires, they don't know how to handle it.

 

Here is a little tidbit for all you young men out there interested in dating older women; we aren't all cougars on the prowl for hot NSA sex. Many of us are very discerning and more often have zero tolerance for bullsh*t and games.

 

Good luck.

[BaileyB]

With all due respect, some men tend to do the exact same thing... Such is life on OLD.

[Popsicle]

Agreed. A little off topic here, but another 'nice' thing about POF:

 

'Intent' setting:

I'm looking for Casual dating/No Commitment

I want to date but nothing serious

I want a relationship

I am putting in serious effort to find someone

I am serious and I want to find someone to marry

 

And 'I am looking for' setting (interesting that there's no explicit Sex/Hookup choice here):

Hang Out

Friends

Dating

Long Term

 

Between these two settings it's a great help getting an initial read on what the person is looking for. With respect to swiping, POF has a priced 'upgrade' that includes a feature called 'Meet Me' which is the same idea as swiping.

 

Yes, I really like the intent setting part. You're right that "Meet me" is the equivalent to swiping, but I completely ignore those. Like completely, and I don't pay for an upgrade anyway and I don't even receive notifications of them. I only pay attention to those who write directly to me.