Didn't think it would take so long to get over affair

[Notsowise]

First time poster here. I have just started reading on the internet about the challenges and time it can take to get over an affair. Glad I did- as I was starting to think I was an island and there was something wrong with me!

 

I have been happily married for 20 years. Never had an affair of any description. Back in late 2015 I was in the US for work and I connected big time with a woman 20 years younger than me at a function. I reside in another country. For the next 6 months we messaged each other occasionally-just check-ins. No flirting. Didn't think that much of it.

 

In mid 2016, I met up again with this woman at a conference. We had dinner. It was great. Then she broached the topic about our attraction and how nothing was going to happen between us. I was taken aback, agreeing with her and talked friendship. Then she said it has been hard burying her feelings for me and it must have been the same for me. Flag #1: Speaking on my behalf.

 

As this 4 day conference progressed, she became more flirtatious, leading to sexual innuendo and I joined in on the fun. Guess it is relevant that this woman is extremely attractive. By night 3- we were in bed together and about to declare our undying love for each other.

 

For the next 2 months, we talked and messaged a thousand times. Intimate and friendly messages. Flag #2: I though this must be different to a 'regular affair' as we liked each other so much. We then spent a week together when I next visited the US and of course it was amazing and we were both saying we had never felt love like this. Then another 3 months of messaging and another amazing week with her.

 

At the end of the week she told me she was starting to feel uncomfortable about how relaxed I was about the affair and suggested I had prior affairs. Not true. Flag #3: She was less than 12 months into her second marriage- to someone that family had "chosen" for her. She had no regrets about our affair. Why didn't I ask her what she meant by chosen?

 

At the end of 2016- her father fell ill and she told me our affair had to end and things were patched up at home. I accepted this. Then we moved to friend mode for a few months. Until she told me she was going through a brutal divorce and didn't want to involve me. Flag#4: Why didn't I ask what that meant. Wasn't I in the friend zone by now?

 

She would then message me every few weeks for about 6 months-telling me how amazing I was as a friend, how down she was and some day we she would tell me all about it over a glass of wine. Flag#5: I should have realized I was in denial about the affair ending. I worried and thought about her every day.

 

By mid 2017, the friendly messages had stopped. I didn't want to bug her. But after a couple of months I checked in with her. She didn't seem down anymore. Flag #6: Why didn't I just ask her why? Flag #7: Didn't see that she was probably a controller?

 

I still thought about her every day and longed for the good times we had. Then in early 2018- we snap chatted a couple of times out of the blue and I then realized I was still seriously in denial about the end of the affair. So I deleted her as a snap contact. And blocked all other modes of contact

 

By mid Feb- the fog started lifting and it dawned on me that she had likely moved on to a new relationship....explaining the change in her messages.

Then on a quick hunch- I checked this guy's Insta on Valentines Day and sure enough- there she is. So much in love with him. It hit me really hard- which really disturbed me after all this time. It's weird how I just knew it would be him. Just a sense.

 

Then I started thinking about some of the things she said about the ending of marriage #1. Way back she said to check out an old friend of hers in the music scene. So for some reason i did- and stumbled across what actually happened to blow up her first marriage. It was appalling and it became evident that she had multiple affairs during that marriage. Interesting how she accused me of same. I would never tell her I was aware of this information as it is seriously screwed up and would damage her career. But It sure explains why family "chose" hubby number 2. Mr mild mannered, bland and safe. Poor guy was in effect family arranged "penance"

for what she had done. Then she dumped him after less than 18 months of marriage.

 

Good thing is that this discovery has given me closure.

 

So here I am after all this time in (probably) an early phase of recovery. I rue being so nice and accommodating, as it has invariably lengthened the process of recovery. I haven't mentioned marital guilt. Mainly due how long of I taken to share this story. No one knows about the affair and that has made it really tough.

 

Who knows if I was conned or she actually had genuine feelings for me. In a way, I am ok with this mystery as I move on with my life...

 

And I feel so much better typing all of this!!

[Aqulesco]

you need to tell your wife to avoid stress related illness

[loversquarrel]

recovering from what exactly? So you cheat on your wife with a woman who cheats on her husband, and then she cheats on you? This is laughable, are you actually complaining about the sanctity of your relationship with a mistress??

 

Do yourself a favor, divorce your wife and marry this other woman as you clearly deserve each other.

[usa1ah]

You might find better help and advice from the OM/OW section of LS.

 

The section you posted in is filled with people like your spouse that you cheated on. They will not be kind to you. After the pain they have been through, I can’t really blame them.

[l8estnews]

Marriage shouldn't be taken lightly. I've been very vocal about my hatred towards infidelity in this forum and to some extent, I still do. But I think now I have matured enough to understand the mechanics of this so-called love.

 

I understand that attraction and emotions are things that won't stop happening even after we got married. Marriage is a vow we commit to another person to cherish, love and care for them. It's not just an ordinary vow, it's a covenant. And only people with honor, good moral and sense of commitment understand how BIG this thing for a person. But then again, no matter how big Marriage is for us, that doesn't change the fact that we are still capable to be attracted and bond with other people. That's a sad fact.

 

Now, it's UP TO US to do whatever we can to avoid being in situations that will lead the attraction to something else. And that's were you effed up big time. YOU let it happen. YOU opened the door for this attraction and emotions to bloom to something else.

 

For me, I don't care about the sex part anymore. The greatest betrayal for me is when a SO/Spouse falls for another person. But then again, sometimes, it's really impossible to control as well. Oh well, I guess that's why I don't believe in Marriage anymore

[wmacbride]

op,

what, exactly, are you looking for by posting your story? Are you just blowing off some steam, are you looking for advice or are you kvetching about how your ow had(s) a string of of guys she has been with?

 

In short, what do you feel you need the most right now?

[wmacbride]

Marriage shouldn't be taken lightly. I've been very vocal about my hatred towards infidelity in this forum and to some extent, I still do. But I think now I have matured enough to understand the mechanics of this so-called love.

 

I understand that attraction and emotions are things that won't stop happening even after we got married. Marriage is a vow we commit to another person to cherish, love and care for them. It's not just an ordinary vow, it's a covenant. And only people with honor, good moral and sense of commitment understand how BIG this thing for a person. But then again, no matter how big Marriage is for us, that doesn't change the fact that we are still capable to be attracted and bond with other people. That's a sad fact.

 

Now, it's UP TO US to do whatever we can to avoid being in situations that will lead the attraction to something else. And that's were you effed up big time. YOU let it happen. YOU opened the door for this attraction and emotions to bloom to something else.

 

For me, I don't care about the sex part anymore. The greatest betrayal for me is when a SO/Spouse falls for another person. But then again, sometimes, it's really impossible to control as well. Oh well, I guess that's why I don't believe in Marriage anymore

 

It's true you can't control what you feel. What you can control is what you do about it.

 

I might walk by a store window and see something I really want. I can't control that. What I can control is what I do about it. I can choose to simply take the item I see, or I can choose to put the work in to earn the money to buy it, or I can choose to think about it and maybe realize I don't really want it that much after all.

 

OP, it sounds to me like you kind of view yourself as floating along, swept up in something beyond your control. It was anything but. You made a series of choices. That doesn't negate your hurt feelings, but the good news it that, since you chose to enter the affair and keep it going, you can choose to end it, full stop and begin to heal.

[Notsowise]

wmacbride. thanks for the feedback. You nailed it a couple of times. Started off as simply blowing off some steam. And it felt great. I did float along... while it was happening. My choice. Very true. Affair ended almost 18 months ago.

 

Telling my story and reading other stories here has highlighted to me two things I had never thought about or faced up to: Addiction. Addiction to the excitement of what happened. Pure and simple. This is helping me to understand why my feelings are still so strong about the affair even after all this time. And what I am and will do about facing the addiction.

 

The OW went through the acute pain of divorce right after the affair. And then she quickly moved into a new relationship which appears to be going really well and is very happy. So the second thing I have realized: I am simply envious of how things in her life changed so fast and she no longer needs me.

Good to face up to this.