I cheated and now I'm stuck between divorce and reconciliation

[Rusyn19]

Hello all,

 

This is my first post, but it’s thirteen years in the making, so I apologize for the wordiness here. Yes, I know it’s long, but it helps explain everything, as it all comes full circle. Basically, I’m in a mess and I could use some help.

 

Directly, I cheated on my wife of nine years. It was no one’s fault but my own. She knows of the affair because I told her everything and I’ve hidden nothing. But, to explain how it happened means to explain the last twelve years and what transpired to get to this point. It matters not because I’m trying to validate why it happened, but because it uncovers so many things that were and still are wrong with the relationship.

 

While a lot of this will seem like it’s about my wife, it’s not; it’s simply there to give perspective on where I’m at mentally and emotionally after all of these years. Once again, I take the sole blame for everything – it was my decision. I just need an outside perspective for this mess.

 

First, a brief bit about my upbringing. I grew up wealthy middle-class. My dad was a college-educated hard worker and my mom a dedicated stay-at-home mother. Both were good people and devout Christians. I was home-schooled from kindergarten until I was a junior in high school. My junior year was my first year in a public school. I had no prior real social interaction with people my age until then. My family moved at the end of the year, where I finished my second and final year of public school in another state. Prior to my senior year, I was not allowed to see friends except for one day a week, could not curse, was not allowed to play competitive sports (my parents believed that competition was wrong), was not allowed to pursue my hobbies outside of casual practice, etc.

 

I was very smart in growing up (scored a 99 on the ASVAB in high school, scored a 26 on the ACT once after showing up an hour late and not even doing an entire section of the test, graduated with honors, etc.), extremely competitive, wanted to be a fighter pilot (which I qualified for academically), but my parents always put Christianity/religion first and foremost. e.g. “If God didn’t say that I should pursue it, then I should not pursue it.” As a result, I never got the chance to pursue what I was naturally talented at or what I wanted to do. And my parents never attempted to cultivate my strengths or even encourage me for my academics. As a result, I was never allowed to discover who “I” was. Even after I left home for school, my parents (specifically, my father) continued to push and judge me based on a Biblical perspective. This will matter later. Anyways…

 

Now, for the relationship: thirteen years ago, I was a college student. I had gotten out of a long-distance high school relationship with an exchange student from Europe. I met her after moving to a new high school my senior year. We were both very much in love with each other. Naïve and young, yes, but truly in love. She had to move back to her country a few months after school ended. I wanted to be with her, but the idea to move to be with her never occurred to me, because my father had always insisted that I had to go to college because “it’s the RIGHT thing to do.” So, I reluctantly went to school. We never broke up, we simply talked less and less.

 

I went to college and I majored in an applied sciences field and minored in European studies specific to my ex-girlfriend’s country (due to the interest she created in her country and culture). I continued with this for a two years. One day, I met this girl at work. She was the first girl, since my ex-girlfriend, who made me feel anything inside. To this day, she is the only person I have fallen in love with “at first sight.” I’d never experienced it with anyone else before or after. This is the woman I would eventually marry. But, let me explain our relationship and where many of the problems began.

 

A few weeks after meeting her, I expressed my interest in her and asked her on a date. She accepted. We went to a movie and I put my arm around her. She looked at me, confused. I asked her “do you mind? I can move my arm if you don’t want me to hold you.” Come to find out, she didn’t understand that it was a date – she thought I was asking her out, alone at night, to a romantic movie… just as a friend. I should have taken this occurrence as more significant than it appeared, but I didn’t.

 

As the relationship would continue, we would start arguing and fighting. Neither of us knew why it was happening. I would tell her I felt like she wasn’t “there” or that it seemed she didn’t want to be with me; she would either respond with cluelessness, or she would complain how I didn’t enjoy what she liked to do. To be honest, I failed her too. Her interests tend to be along very narrow lines, and I judged her for that instead of accepting her for who she was and giving her what she needed.

 

In hindsight, it was because I was the emotionally involved one, the thinker, the person wanted a deep connection; and she was the friendly people-lover who didn’t need much in the way of an emotional relationship, but rather companionship and physical engagement (e.g. walks, outdoor activities, etc.). Just like on our first date (where she didn’t realize it was a date), she would seem disconnected emotionally and mentally most of the time (to me); while, to her, I would seem overbearing or overly-needy and needlessly expressive without any physical/”life” component.

 

We were simply and utterly two completely different people, but both of us were too young to realize it.

 

Without knowing a better way to say this, we fell in love with each other’s hearts – with who we were deep down inside. We liked what we saw in the other person. But, our personalities and interests literally could not have been more different. To this day, we literally have had absolutely zero interests in common.

 

A bit about her: she is extremely moral and Christian (not in a religious way, but in a literal way). She believes very much what my parents believe, which is a large reason why I was attracted to her without realizing it. She is very genuine, gentle, and caring. She is not critically self-conscious, but very emotionally self-conscious. Her dream was always to be a stay-at-home mother.

 

We continued dating and we eventually slept together, which violated her beliefs (she truly believed in waiting to have sex until marriage). We never planned to sleep together, it just happened.

 

Anyways, after a year and a half, we got engaged. The arguments (disagreements, really) still continued, but we always stuck together. Then, one day I went to surprise her after work (to take her out afterwards – I rarely ever went to her work). I parked my car a distance away and called her when I saw her walk outside. I watched her look at her phone and then reject my call. I continued to watch as another man from inside her workplace exited the building and they both got into his car. I continued to watch as she moved closer to him and then, after talking, they started passionately kissing.

 

After watching long enough, I drove up to them to confront her. She got out and the guy sped away like a coward. She apologized profusely, but wouldn’t talk about my question: WHY. I loved her and wanted to stay with her, while her responses ranged from “we’re over” to “maybe we can make this work.” Over the next few weeks and months, she claimed everything was over, only for me to find out that she had driven to his house to see him, then to visit him at his other job, and so on. Finally, after building up evidence and confronting her, she broke down and told me she was sorry and that it was over between them. She claimed that she needed someone to understand her, that this guy had started off as a friend and they were able to communicate well, and then feelings developed. She swore to me she never slept with him and I believe her (she is not type of person to be a blatant liar), though I also understand I can never confirm that myself.

 

A few months pass and I go to bring her lunch at her other job (she quit the one where the other guy worked), only to drive up to see her leaning on the guy’s truck, talking to him. Again, like a coward, the guy speeds off. I threw the food on the ground, looked at her, then left.

 

She came back to my place that night and begged me to talk to her, but I was done. I was over her and I was ready to move on. However, she pleaded with me in a way that she never had before, it was that emotional connection I had always wanted from her. Like an idiot, I gave her one final chance.

 

And true to her word, she never broke my trust again. We got married two years later, and I truly loved her. However, we never resolved the issue of not being able to communicate on the same plane/level, nor were we able to resolve the lack of an emotional relationship, or my lack of having/doing physical/outdoor activities with her.

 

Once we were in the marriage, we fought even more. My “idea” of a marriage was simply to have a relationship where both people just came together and figured things out. To me, there is no “right” way or “wrong” way, just the way that we choose to do it; to her, a marriage was about both people doing whatever they thought they should do and then discussing/comparing the ideas or actions after the fact.

 

One thing to note is the only thing I asked her explicitly not to do in the marriage was involve my parents in our decisions or in the private aspects of our relationship (arguments, things said in confidence, etc.).

 

The problems first culminated when she determined that we needed to buy a house. I wasn’t necessarily for or against the idea, but I wanted it to be something we both determined to do (or not to do) together. In other words, I wanted “us” to make the decision for “us.” At the time she brought it up, I told her I didn’t think it was a good idea financially (not that I couldn’t change my mind). Instead of countering me or coming back with why she believed we should, she went to my father. We were out at lunch and she asked him, with me and my mother there, if buying a house would be a good thing, as she thought we needed one. My father encouraged the idea (being from the generation where buying a house was considered to be an investment), and then my father directed his instruction to me that we should already be looking for a house.

 

The thing is, she knows that I respect my father, and that my father will only advise things that are “right.” The other thing about my father is that, if he recommends it (which he does based on Biblical principles), then he also holds that ignoring that advice is unwise. Not wanting to disrespect my father or argue with my wife to have her side with my father, I agreed that we could look for a house (which she had already started doing online). In hindsight, I should not have done this, if only because it set a precedent.

 

We bought a house and, to be honest, everything worked out quite well; but, what it started was a disregard and disrespect for the idea of “us” working together towards a solution. In her mind, there was a right way and a wrong way, and whatever we discussed was irrelevant to changing or swaying the determination of what was right in her mind. If I forced or even stayed firm with my opinion, she might go along with it, but I was still “wrong” for doing so (even if she would never say it directly).

 

We had a child two years into the marriage (we initially agreed not to use contraceptives, for religious reasons). I joined the military and was pursuing a career there. Another few years later, we were expecting another child and I decided not to continue with the military. I communicated my decision to my wife and my father, both of whom rejected the idea as they believed it was God’s “will” for me to be there. When I finally left, I came home to my wife gently, but constantly reminding me how much leaving the military impacted us (insurance, days off, benefits, etc.) and that I should go back. I tried speaking to my father (my mentor/role model), only to experience more of the same. Come to find out, my father had told my wife not to agree with me, but instead of remind me that the military was where I belonged and that it was “God’s will.”

 

This resulted in my withdrawing myself emotionally from my wife (understanding that there was virtually no emotional relationship there to begin with), and seeking refuge in video games, computers, etc., where I could get away from the smothering effect of my immediate family. This went on and my wife and family remained firm in their stance. I ended up getting a good paying private sector job and I decided to put all of my effort and focus into work.

 

This is now four years into the marriage.

 

After many months and no real ongoing emotional outreach from my wife, I decided that I did not want to have any more children until the future was more financially clear. Notice that I said “I decided.” It was my first attempt to take ownership of the direction our relationship had been heading, as she was not respecting my wishes for the relationship.

 

We rarely had sex, maybe once every three weeks on average. The next time sex came up, I wanted to use protection. She refused and acted like I had betrayed her. After much pleading and statements of “but we both AGREED to…”, I gave in and used the pull-out method, and she was again distraught, as I wouldn’t “completely” be with her. Seeing this, I gave in to her a few nights later (she wanted to know that I “wanted” her) and *bingo* - she got pregnant right from that one time… the exact thing I wanted to avoid by trying to take some control back in the relationship.

 

At that point, with another baby on the way and any chance of me being able to plan our immediate future gone, I gave up stating what I wanted entirely and I just tried to focus on giving her what she wanted. I believed that if I did everything to be a good husband, she would reciprocate.

 

With baby #3 on the way, she decided that we needed a bigger house. So… in line with what she did last time, she started looking for houses and then telling me how we could afford them. Please understand, she wasn’t so “pushy” as she was simply not respecting of my stance. She eventually involved my parents (for advice), but then backed off when I made it clear she was completely ignoring me. We did end up buying a bigger house, eventually; and, like the time before, it worked out well for us.

 

Two years later, we had baby #4. Still not using protection. At this point, we’ve been married for eight years.

 

We're still arguing/disagreeing on many things. At this point, my wife determines that I have an unusual personality (due to me wanting to have goals, standards, etc.) and she decides to diagnose me with OCPD. I don't, and I'm aware that I don't, even though I listen to my wife. She tells me that I need to go see a specialist to treat my "disorder." (As it turns out, we see a marital counselor a few months later and he clearly states that in no way do I have OCPD, but rather I'm quite normal. My wife simply has one set of expectations and I differ from that.)

 

Now, I’ll go to May of 2017. Out of nowhere, one day, I get a message from… my previous European girlfriend. I was both elated, excited, confused, etc. She asked how I was, what I had been up to, etc. We chatted for a few days, then I asked her if I could call her. She agreed.

 

We talked a week later… and there was so much emotion there… that it made me angry. I literally had more of a connection with my ex-girlfriend than I had with my wife over three years of dating and eight years of marriage. After a full recap of our lives, my ex-girlfriend asked if I was happy. I said I wasn’t. I asked her the same… she responded in kind. She was married to a physically and emotionally-abusive man from her country (which makes the American version of such men look like cartoons by comparison).

 

I enjoyed talking to her, I had loved her so many years ago and it was so easy to fall back into it, and she obviously needed someone who cared, as did I. This began an emotional affair, mostly at my prodding.

 

We talked for the next month and a half. Several things came out of it that I had not realized that I had pent up for so long: the lack of an emotional connection/relationship with my wife, her lack of respect for me and my wishes, her lack of sexual intimacy while simultaneously demanding I meet her needs and wishes (lack of protection), her lack of just needing… me. What I realized was that I had slowly and surely given up my dreams and desires for a woman who had given up very little for me (in that she was a stay-at-home wife that I had never demanded anything of and I had given her everything she asked for). My wife had been the party that wanted kids, houses, to stay at home and not work (she didn’t even want to finish college, though I prompted her to)… I had just wanted a relationship with her.

 

But, most of all, I realized that I had allowed myself to be the opposite of person that I was and wanted to be. I want to plan things, to live life passionately, to be responsible, to save up money, etc. My wife (and through my passiveness, myself) had made wise decisions given the resources at the time of the decision, but they were not planned, passionate, or “responsible” in terms of most financial advisors (i.e. the choice to continue having unprotected sex and therefore children because of religious commitments).

 

Surely, I did many things wrong as well. This is not to put the blame on my wife, this was simply the release of so many things that I didn’t even know I had built up.

 

Eventually, the emotional affair quickly turned into the need to either end it, or make it a real relationship. Initially, she wanted me to move to her country, stay there with her, and bring the children as custody would allow. Obviously, this also meant divorce for both of us. At first, I was completely distressed at even contemplating the idea. But, I realized that there was something else there entirely. I had spent my whole life doing what my parents had trained me to do, and then doing what my wife wanted and then reinforcing the decisions via my parents, that I had completely forgotten who I was.

 

Something I didn’t mention was that I planned to move to Europe after college, as part of a study program from my minor in school. I completely loved the culture, the language, the people. This, along with the chance to be with someone who had respected me, was like a feeling of being released from prison (a majority of women from my ex-girlfriend’s region are a caricature of American women in the 1940’s and 1950’s – feminine yet strong, respectful of their husbands, financially cautious).

 

I filed for divorce, but I was completely unsure of how to make any of this work. My wife, throughout this time, was a mix of being hurt by my actions, while simultaneously realizing that much of what I was feeling/doing had at least some merit to it. However, she wanted to stay with me and “work things out.” We remained amicable and neither of us wanted anything from the other. She said I could keep everything (and she meant it) and I said she could keep everything (and I meant it).

 

A month later, my ex-girlfriend and I came around to seeing our relationship as it was. We both had problems and, while we were once perfect for each other, we both had baggage that would prevent us from being in a healthy relationship. She also realized the actual logistics of the situation and decided that she couldn’t continue with it, due to her family’s conservative and extremely religious nature (again, something somewhat peculiar to the area she was from). However, I was stuck with a completely different problem: while my reasons for the divorce were primarily for justification of wanting to leave, they were also true. So if I were to stay and work things out with my wife (which we had tried to fix on and off so many times throughout the years), I’d almost certainly have to bury and keep the very things that caused the problem to begin with.

 

My current job is rather flexible and allows me to work remote for extended periods of time, so… I opted to continue with the divorce and my chance to move, even if it was just temporarily. Since the divorce filing was still undergoing the mandatory waiting period (several months), I opted to move temporarily to my ex’s country in Europe, both to get some distance/breathing room, as well as to pursue something I had given up.

 

A month later, I had moved to the country, with the plan to stay there for 5-6 weeks. During my time there, I started to rediscover myself. I remembered who I was, what I cared about, and what I wanted to do in life. I also saw the flaws in myself, that I had acquired both as a person and from being in a relationship.

 

Being completely honest, I got on a few dating and meetup sites there. There was no prerogative or motive, other than to see if I could even meet someone who would “like” me as I was. The thing is that my wife had told me, directly, that no one would put up with someone with my personality; that she didn’t “need” me; that she thought I had mental problems; etc. I should have been stronger than that, but I wanted to see if she was actually right… or if I could still be desirable by someone. I had no idea if I would move there permanently or not, so the idea of trying to meet someone like this seemed like a good idea, especially if I was planning on moving there.

 

I had a good number of dates and actually a few women wanted to see me again. This bolstered my confidence (which was absolutely low), but what it really did was allow me to see other women in a way I had never been able to see them when I was younger. I saw them as complete people, with different personalities, and I realized for the first time in life what I needed… and I understood why my wife and I had such a poor relationship dynamic. For disclosure, I was completely honest with all of the women that I met about my situation.

 

Then, one day, this woman messaged me. She had seen my profile and wanted to talk to me (she saw that I had children and wanted to know more about me out of sheer curiosity, not attraction). I saw her message and ignored her (she seemed high maintenance and I didn’t really feel like starting a conversation like that). She pestered me in a genuinely curious way a few hours later, and she seemed so… different, that I felt compelled to reply.

 

We continued chatting online. Two weeks later, we were literally the closest of friends. We had the same personalities (same Myers-Briggs [iNFJ], same personality temperament); we talked and expressed our ideas in almost the exact same way; we had the same fears; she was divorced for the same reasons that I was pursuing divorce. Literally, it was like we could have been twins. A week later, we realized there was passion there. I went to her city and stayed there for the remainder of my time in her country. I stayed with her at her apartment. We spent every waking moment together… and it was so refreshingly genuine. She was just happy to have me and to have someone to share life with… and I, her. We slept together numerous times. By the time it was over, we had fallen in love. So much so, that I left on a 15 hour train trip to head back to the city I was originally staying in, only to turn back around and take that same train back to spend the rest of my time there with her. There was nothing I hid from her about my situation, my intentions, or about me in general.

 

I went home a few weeks later, with the intent to finalize the divorce. I had no intention of hiding my affair from my wife, not out of brazenness, but because I’m not liar and because I knew how it is to have the person you love not be forthcoming about what happened (from when she cheated on me years ago). I got home and, due to jet lag/time difference, I fell asleep quickly. My wife checked my cell phone and quickly found photos of the OW, and it quickly started a heated discussion. She said she understood why I did it… and then asked me if I wanted to stay. I told her I didn’t know, because I finally understood the reason for the disconnect between us and I finally understood what I was missing, both in my own life, as well as in our relationship.

 

One thing I realized was that, while I had been bitter about my wife’s forcefulness in not respecting my wishes to plan our family, that I very much missed my children (it is one thing to be away from your children, but it’s completely another to be back with them after realizing how much you missed them). This, combined with her understanding (which I did NOT deserve whatsoever), truly confused me.

 

This put my thoughts and feelings into a limbo of sorts. I didn’t think I could ever love my wife like I had loved the OW… or could I connect with her or have an emotional relationship with my wife (which I had wanted for years), especially when it came so easily to me and the OW.

 

I tried to openly communicate that to my wife, but she did not fully comprehend it; or, rather, maybe she did comprehend it, but she communicated she didn’t know how to be any other way. This created more bitterness in me, as well as indecision. I didn’t want to give up on my wife, especially when she was so willing to “want” to work it out; but, I didn’t know how to work it out with her, given that she didn’t think she could give me the emotional relationship and closeness I needed.

 

Fast forward a few more months… and we had still not resolved the situation. My wife had still not understood that I just needed/wanted a relationship with her (just closeness, really), while simultaneously wanting to “work” on the fixing the problem with schedule and regiment. At the same time, I was still in love with the OW. So, against everything that I knew was right, I went to back to visit the OW for a few weeks over New Years.

 

It was the same as before – it was the most intimate time I have ever had in my life. We had more sex in one week than I’d had with my wife in a year. She even gave me the most sentimental gift I’d ever received (which is something that means so very much to me) as a Christmas gift. We travelled together, we took so many photos together, we are both just genuinely happy to be with each other. There’s no money involved, no stipulations from her (or me); she wants me to come live with her for 1-2 years at a minimum, if possible, before moving back to the US. She cares about me in a way my wife has never indicated or shown me (the OW is constantly getting onto me to eat healthy, to take care of my back [i’ve had back problems/posture problems before]), she is asking me constantly if I’ve spent time with my children, etc. I’ve never had anyone treat me or appear to care about me this much in my life.

 

I came back home a month ago. I’ve been in a relationship with the OW for almost eight months. And to be honest, my indecision has went on long enough.

 

My wife responded very similar as she did before: she wants to work on the relationship, but she wants me to make a decision and she doesn’t want to be in the middle (and she’s only right to ask for this).

 

She also revealed to me that she only married me because she thought that I was the one she was supposed to marry, and because she only wanted to sleep with one man. I truly respect her for that, because that’s the part of her that I fell in love with; that genuine, honest, wholesomeness deep down inside of her. But, it also hurt in a way that I can’t describe, because she basically told me she married me because she felt she was “supposed to” and not because she wanted to. This also means that she genuinely does not want to give up on the marriage; the painful side of this is that she does not want to give up because she doesn’t believe in divorce, not because she doesn’t need me.

 

My wife is both the most genuine, sweeting person I’ve ever met; but also the most hurtful in many ways. I should have seen these warning signs early on, especially when she cheated on early in our relationship; but, I was too young and immature to realize how impactful these differences were, or how they would affect me later in life.

 

I do feel guilty that I betrayed my wife’s trust. I do. It’s just that it’s countered by my pain and frustration in the lack of relationship that we never had, and her disregard for my wishes in the relationship. I am both sorry, but also angry. I have solely, truly only ever wanted a relationship where we can both work towards our goals and dreams. I wanted this to be with my wife and only my wife, it's just clear that she doesn't view life the same as I do.

 

To be honest, I’m genuinely so much happier with the OW in almost every way. The only deterrences are that 1) I truly do love my wife (but I’m almost numb from the lack of emotion she shown me over the last twelve years), 2) I love my children and I don’t know how to imagine life or live it without them on a regular basis, and 3) I don’t want to give up if I know there’s a chance my wife could ever give me what I’ve wanted and needed from her. Yes, I know these are things I should have considered long before starting any new relationship, and that I should have waited for the divorce to be finalized before starting any new relationship.

 

But, I didn’t, and I’m here now.

 

The OW is aware of everything and she’s not pressuring me to do anything. She both acknowledges that the right thing to do is stay with my family, while being afraid of (and grudgingly admitting) losing me.

 

You may notice that I haven’t mentioned the effect divorce would have on children much in this, and that’s both on purpose, as well as part of the problem. I know, statistically, that most marriages that stay together “for the children” tend to end later, and end worse than they would have than if they had just ended when the irreconcilable problems were discovered. I do not want to make this about them, I want to make this about the relationship, because in the end, this is what will matter.

 

I also have a certain disconnect from the children, mostly the 3rd and 4th. My father, while a great role model and a wise person, was barely home throughout my childhood as he was always working. And when he wasn’t working at work, he was working at home. And when he wasn’t working at home, he taking care of the house or at church. Of course, yes, he spent time with the family, but his time was largely defined as being the provider and caretaker of the family than it was as a doting father. I got to spend very little time with him as a father. This caused me to both respect him as a responsible person and to know that he loved me (since he would do everything he could to provide for us) while also not needing him to be physically there. In other words, he defined what my understanding of a father was. Ergo, I don’t know how to emulate anything else for my children – I literally have no frame of emotional reference.

 

Basically, in summarizing everything up: Firstly, I’m a terrible person and I cheated on my wife. I married someone who is a genuine, loving, kind, and loyal wife; but, she doesn’t pursue or need the deeper emotional aspect of marriage that I feel many people consider to be mandatory (to some degree). She has a fixed view of marriage and relationships that is hard for me to relate to, and she hasn’t been interested in what I’ve wanted (until now, where I feel our life is mostly fixed in place and without too much flexibility, at least for the next 12-14 years). I want to be what she needs, but I don’t know how to live or cultivate a relationship with her because she doesn’t really need (and therefore understand) the depth of an emotional relationship. We have four children together and I love them very much. I had an affair with someone who genuinely loves me and wants me to be happy and she puts me before herself, and now it’s gotten to where I need to either divorce or break off the affair. I don’t know how to continue in the relationship with my wife after being with someone who does understand me and need me in the way I have always wanted and needed my wife to need me.

 

Any help here would be honest.

[anika99]

I don't care if you stay with your wife or not. Obviously you mostly blame her for everything and I don't think you love her so just get a divorce already.

 

However, you have children and you have a moral obligation to be in their life on a consistent basis and be a good father to them. Those kids are innocent, didn't ask to be born and don't deserve an absent father.

 

So go ahead and get a divorce if you want but it would be loathsome of you to abandon your kids by moving to Europe. The proper arrangement should be to live nearby and a 50/50 custody agreement. Or at the very least you take them every weekend and 1 night during the week or some similar arrangement. Anything less that would be doing your children wrong. Oh and if you have a disconnect with your children then the onus is you to fix it. They don't care about whatever childhood problems you had with your father. Your baggage is not their problem.

[niji]

That was an engaging read; regardless of how well you scored on your exam, your writing shows you're a smart guy. And - disclaimer - everything I'm about to say is assuming you're tell the truth (of course what the truth is depends on the perspective as well). What we know for sure happened is, your wife had an affair early on, which brings me to the next point.

 

How could you marry someone who embraced the very definition of hypocrisy? What good Christian has an emotional affair against her fiance? Yeah I get it, you guys slept together and she doesn't want to sleep with more than one man, yet she didn't really love you (this should have been the flashing signs), so she chose to... have an affair? Yeah no. This is the very problem I have with a lot of religious people (family members included) despite growing up religious myself. After seeing people preaching about God and going to church religiously, while having multiple affairs on the side (similar to why your wife had that affair), just caused me to question, what's the point of all of this? Have you ever discussed this with her? Or is she not open to theological questions that would challenge her faith?

 

You two were never on the same page. You shouldn't have married her if you couldn't meet the religious requirements aka obeying all the rules like she wanted. And til this day, it still holds true. You shouldn't be with her if you can't change your mind to obey all the rules, because if neither one of you changes, then it makes no difference. How are you going to "work things out"? Sooner or later, you'll crave that emotional connection that your wife simply cannot give you, and will relapse into affairs again. She seems to be the type with very rigid set of moral and behavioral codes; anything outside of those codes is wrong. For example, I don't even need to think if asked, "Is it more wrong to have an affair, or to use birth control?" Sadly, she's probably the type that would have to think pretty hard about this question.

 

At least if you divorce, your children will see life from both perspectives, and as they grow older they can pick and choose which one they identify with more. Especially if you learn to be amicable, they will learn that they don't have to be stuck with a partner if they no longer love that partner. If you stay together, all they'll know is mom and dad don't like each other but still stay together, and that's what they'll likely emulate once they grow older.

 

Yours is one of the cases where I don't think the person having the affair is a despicable POS liar. You were in the wrong and it was all on you (which I appreciate you gave the disclaimer), but beneath this was not a despicable lying POS; I've seen a few cases in real life where people struggle with a religious/cultural code like you, and, despite falling in love with someone else outside their marriage, they just cannot break the cycle. In my culture, divorce was frowned upon in the recent past, only very recently do people feel more comfortable with divorcing. In many cases, marriages were either arranged or introduced; many people (men and women included) marry for the benefit of their family rather than their own happiness. Eventually, they fall in love with someone else (because it's a human thing to do); they want to be with the one they love, yet cannot break their parents/family's heart to divorce their spouse (especially if their spouse comes from a powerful family, and divorcing means their own family will lose all of this benefit. It's kinda like when a king's favorite concubine is no longer his favorite, her family will lose all their power and maybe even lives). It's all very sad, and totally something that humans have created, mostly to optimize survival of the family/clan in the past.

Edited February 20, 2018 by niji

[S2B]

Just divorce your wife.

 

But don't count on things working with this OW long term. It's intense because it's an affair.

 

 

Cut your wife loose - it's not a good match.

[DKT3]

This is what happens when betrayal and cheating are never resolved. It's doubtful that you're wife was honest with you about her two (known) episodes of infidelity, it's pretty clear you never got peace from her infidelities. This, naturally created an emotional void in the marriage that never allowed the two of you to connect on a deeper level. Instead you two settled down not a routine Marriage couple that with the fact that neither of you really wanted to marry the other it's a recipe for a nightmare marriage.

 

My suggestion would be move forward with the divorce, put everything with the other woman on hold until it's finalized and your kids are settled.

 

But understand that the relationship with the other woman will be an uphill battle for several factors. 1 many times when you are not getting what you need from a relationship finding that with someone else will cause you to over look other shortcomings and redflags. 2 unless you do some serious digging into the why's (why you allowed yourself to get involved, why you thought it was ok) it's likely you will repeat when things get tough.

[Peacemaker1]

Hi Rusyn19

While your situation is really difficult, your marriage is not totally lost. You basically have all the things you need. Your wife is willing to work with you and hopefully has not cheated again. You said you still love your wife and your children. Even though you both cheated, forgiveness can give you a clean slate. Even though the rigid upbringing has formed your behavior, a good understanding of the dynamics of a good husband-wife relationship might help you start a fresh course. There is a book called Love and Respect by Eggerichs that might help you. You’re an intelligent person, you can finish it in a few days. Consider reading it, it might help you get a new perspective and fresh approach to your situation.

[TheDawg]

I couldn't read all of that, but if you leave your kids to go live in another country.....you're a DICK. I can't fathom how or why anyone could do that. That would destroy me if I did something like that. My god... Get a divorce and move on. But, man, stick around your kids. In the same town, if at all possible. You will regret that the rest of your life if you bail on them like this. I'm not saying what you're going through is fun. But, I'm sorry, your kids come FIRST.

[CardsFan01]

your marriage is not totally lost. You basically have all the things you need.

 

I don’t agree. It sounds to me like this is a marriage that never should have happened. Instead of realizing that, they kept doubling down on what already wasn’t working. If you don’t end it now, you’ll still be kicking yourself 10 years from now for all the red flags you’ve missed/ignored. Pull the band-aid off. But like others have said, don’t abandon your kids. You made the decision to bring them into this world. You can’t as a decent human being run away from the responsibility that comes with that decision.