Still no over her.. What do?

[drakon12]

Hey all. As a quick summary, there's a girl I fell in love with but I couldn't establish a relationship with her. Everything was going okay and she started to run from me then I cut off the contact. Eventually NC is getting broken -by her- and the thing is, I'm not over her yet. I want to forget about her, stop thinking about her, at least till she wants me and wants to be with me (if something like that would happen at all). What is your suggestions?

[Beachead]

Hey all. As a quick summary, there's a girl I fell in love with but I couldn't establish a relationship with her. Everything was going okay and she started to run from me then I cut off the contact. Eventually NC is getting broken -by her- and the thing is, I'm not over her yet. I want to forget about her, stop thinking about her, at least till she wants me and wants to be with me (if something like that would happen at all). What is your suggestions?

 

Hey Drakon12,

 

I read your very first post. This is the one about the University and Instagram yea? That was just about a month ago so this is still quite fresh. Boy does your experience remind me of many of my own in the past.

 

Her actions tell the story and that's all the information you need to know. When you got a little bit too close, she backed off. An interested girl wouldn't have backed off. When women are interested, we'll know. Even the few case of ones who've been friends for sometime. They don't hide it. But when you find yourself confused like this? They're either on the fence about how they feel or mostly, they don't feel anything at all. She picked up on your vibe and she didn't want it. But she still talked to you because you guys didn't cross that point of no return where you come clean and tell her how you feel (Good on you for not doing that btw). A little bit of distance was her way of saying, "You're nice but I don't want to be with you." She knew what she was doing. That's not going to change. Eventually she will end up with somone else and if you remain friends with her, you will see it happen and it will crush you.

 

So what do you do?

 

Know that it's going to take some time for you to genuinely get over this.

 

You fell in love, she didn't reciprocate and it broke your heart. That's not something that's going to go away soon. I can see there's hope there as well. Getting rid of it and coming to terms with the reality of things will be the hardest part of healing. The pain is potent and the heart is too weak and unable to experience it in it's entirety in the beginning. The brain in order to keep us sane and protect us, numbs us out and feeds us only a fraction of the truth because of that. It's manageable that way. It gives us a fighting chance to regain some strength. Over time, your mind will loosen up and begin to release that truth on you in pieces and you will process it day to day. Like putting the pieces together of a puzzle. You'll have ups and downs but with time, you'll start to understand what went down in your situation (As that puzzle starts to show the big picture). Right now, you're zoomed right into the drama of it all and so it's tough to see that big picture. Time will allow your mind to zoom out.

 

Expect about 3-4 months minimum for your hope to start going away and extend yourself the courtesy of about a year to genuinely get over this whole situation. And when I mean genuinely getting over her, I mean the thought of her being with someone else won't hurt you. That's being over someone. Remember not to lie to yourself. She meant a lot to you so let that pain in. You will have to feel it to heal it.

 

Your primary goal right now as you mentioned is to heal and return to yourself. As I said, you will need significant time away from her to get over your feelings and pain. She's the source of pain and heartache, hence, she can't be in your life right now. If you can heal without creeping her social media (Ideal but unlikely), you can then get over her without her knowing something happened. I would initially suggest doing that because it would leave the door open for you two to return to being pals in a year and a half to 2 years or so. But keep in mind, she's going to end up with someone else and you will have to be cool with that. If you wish to just cut it and simplify your life, I would then suggest to block her off of all social media. Without her updates and pictures to drive you nuts, you will then have a peace of mind to start concentrating on other things and it will aid in your healing.

 

Personally I would go with the latter. Keeps life simple and drama free.

 

Goodluck my friend.

Edited February 20, 2018 by Beachead

[drakon12]

Hey Drakon12,

 

I read your very first post. This is the one about the University and Instagram yea? That was just about a month ago so this is still quite fresh. Boy does your experience remind me of many of my own in the past.

 

Her actions tell the story and that's all the information you need to know. When you got a little bit too close, she backed off. An interested girl wouldn't have backed off. When women are interested, we'll know. Even the few case of ones who've been friends for sometime. They don't hide it. But when you find yourself confused like this? They're either on the fence about how they feel or mostly, they don't feel anything at all. She picked up on your vibe and she didn't want it. But she still talked to you because you guys didn't cross that point of no return where you come clean and tell her how you feel (Good on you for not doing that btw). A little bit of distance was her way of saying, "You're nice but I don't want to be with you." She knew what she was doing. That's not going to change. Eventually she will end up with somone else and if you remain friends with her, you will see it happen and it will crush you.

 

So what do you do?

 

Know that it's going to take some time for you to genuinely get over this.

 

You fell in love, she didn't reciprocate and it broke your heart. That's not something that's going to go away soon. I can see there's hope there as well. Getting rid of it and coming to terms with the reality of things will be the hardest part of healing. The pain is potent and the heart is too weak and unable to experience it in it's entirety in the beginning. The brain in order to keep us sane and protect us, numbs us out and feeds us only a fraction of the truth because of that. It's manageable that way. It gives us a fighting chance to regain some strength. Over time, your mind will loosen up and begin to release that truth on you in pieces and you will process it day to day. Like putting the pieces together of a puzzle. You'll have ups and downs but with time, you'll start to understand what went down in your situation (As that puzzle starts to show the big picture). Right now, you're zoomed right into the drama of it all and so it's tough to see that big picture. Time will allow your mind to zoom out.

 

Expect about 3-4 months minimum for your hope to start going away and extend yourself the courtesy of about a year to genuinely get over this whole situation. And when I mean genuinely getting over her, I mean the thought of her being with someone else won't hurt you. That's being over someone. Remember not to lie to yourself. She meant a lot to you so let that pain in. You will have to feel it to heal it.

 

Your primary goal right now as you mentioned is to heal and return to yourself. As I said, you will need significant time away from her to get over your feelings and pain. She's the source of pain and heartache, hence, she can't be in your life right now. If you can heal without creeping her social media (Ideal but unlikely), you can then get over her without her knowing something happened. I would initially suggest doing that because it would leave the door open for you two to return to being pals in a year and a half to 2 years or so. But keep in mind, she's going to end up with someone else and you will have to be cool with that. If you wish to just cut it and simplify your life, I would then suggest to block her off of all social media. Without her updates and pictures to drive you nuts, you will then have a peace of mind to start concentrating on other things and it will aid in your healing.

 

Personally I would go with the latter. Keeps life simple and drama free.

 

Goodluck my friend.

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I didn't confess my feelings to her, but now I'm thinking about maybe I should. Because my brain just won't accept the fact that she's not into me without seeing some cold, harsh evidence. If she were to be with someone else now, I'd be devastated. But she mentioned she had to refuse a guy she liked because he was too fast and stuff, still gives me the impression that maybe I acted similar and I can make this right, somehow. I know, if she didn't like me -probably it's the case- confessing her would just repel her. But also I can end this relationship in good terms by being honest and speaking my mind and heart to her. I won't tell her I lost sleep over her. I won't tell her that I couldn't eat, I had manic-depressive moments which we call "being in love" and all those stuff. I will just tell her I acted this way because I had feelings for her, I didn't want to seem weak in her eyes, I didn't want to lose her but ultimately it didn't work out. And I will tell her that I'm okay with having a little chat with her every now and then but I can't keep being her friend, at least not until I really get over her.

 

I try hard to get over it. I was always emotionally strong, I got over my crushes in a few days after getting a closure. Even with that, I can't seem to stop crying every day. If confessing would end it and let me have closure, I don't care about my pride. I'd rather be happy and a loser, rather than being miserable and maintaining a strong front.

[Beachead]

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I didn't confess my feelings to her, but now I'm thinking about maybe I should. Because my brain just won't accept the fact that she's not into me without seeing some cold, harsh evidence. If she were to be with someone else now, I'd be devastated. But she mentioned she had to refuse a guy she liked because he was too fast and stuff, still gives me the impression that maybe I acted similar and I can make this right, somehow. I know, if she didn't like me -probably it's the case- confessing her would just repel her. But also I can end this relationship in good terms by being honest and speaking my mind and heart to her. I won't tell her I lost sleep over her. I won't tell her that I couldn't eat, I had manic-depressive moments which we call "being in love" and all those stuff. I will just tell her I acted this way because I had feelings for her, I didn't want to seem weak in her eyes, I didn't want to lose her but ultimately it didn't work out. And I will tell her that I'm okay with having a little chat with her every now and then but I can't keep being her friend, at least not until I really get over her.

 

I try hard to get over it. I was always emotionally strong, I got over my crushes in a few days after getting a closure. Even with that, I can't seem to stop crying every day. If confessing would end it and let me have closure, I don't care about my pride. I'd rather be happy and a loser, rather than being miserable and maintaining a strong front.

 

Yep. I hear that. I've been there and I've done it myself for the reasons you brought up and it has helped me to move on so if you need to in order to help you move passed it, get it done. I didn't get to where I got to by always taking other people's advice. Sometimes I had to do what was right for me.

[CrazyKatLady]

I hope she knows how lucky she is. I messed up with a guy I met a few weeks back. I had never online dated and was worried I would be hurt on purpose (was in abusive relationship before the online thing). I (cringe!) told him we could meet up as friends (I know! I f**ked up!) and he seemed ok with that. So, we met up for dinner (I wanted to pay since he was so sweet and I had been an unintentional jerk for trying online dating when I was freaked out by it), he paid and that confused me--was it a date, then? I felt really comfortable talking to him at dinner, but it took me about 15 minutes and half a beer to settle down...and I realized I was actually attracted to him, so started flirting a bit...it was the weirdest moment in my life. He ended it pretty early, I felt rushed through dinner, and got ghosted afterwards--I'm pretty sure it was a revenge type thing on his part--it was pretty upsetting...I tried to apologize afterwards...but, NC. I messed up I guess, but it was my 3rd time to go out on a date in a decade and first time to meet someone online...sorry, I know you probably wondering why the heck I'm babbling on about my issues in your post...I am just saying--I feel you. I felt (stupidly) out of sync when I realized I lost him even though we had only talked for less than a month...and fantasized a few times (not hard core, I'm not a stage 5 clinger at this point ☺) that he would text back and say he felt something too...but, no dice for me.

So, that's why I said, I hope she knows she is lucky to have a man a little ga-ga over her...I hope it works out for you!

[drakon12]

I hope she knows how lucky she is. I messed up with a guy I met a few weeks back. I had never online dated and was worried I would be hurt on purpose (was in abusive relationship before the online thing). I (cringe!) told him we could meet up as friends (I know! I f**ked up!) and he seemed ok with that. So, we met up for dinner (I wanted to pay since he was so sweet and I had been an unintentional jerk for trying online dating when I was freaked out by it), he paid and that confused me--was it a date, then? I felt really comfortable talking to him at dinner, but it took me about 15 minutes and half a beer to settle down...and I realized I was actually attracted to him, so started flirting a bit...it was the weirdest moment in my life. He ended it pretty early, I felt rushed through dinner, and got ghosted afterwards--I'm pretty sure it was a revenge type thing on his part--it was pretty upsetting...I tried to apologize afterwards...but, NC. I messed up I guess, but it was my 3rd time to go out on a date in a decade and first time to meet someone online...sorry, I know you probably wondering why the heck I'm babbling on about my issues in your post...I am just saying--I feel you. I felt (stupidly) out of sync when I realized I lost him even though we had only talked for less than a month...and fantasized a few times (not hard core, I'm not a stage 5 clinger at this point ☺) that he would text back and say he felt something too...but, no dice for me.

So, that's why I said, I hope she knows she is lucky to have a man a little ga-ga over her...I hope it works out for you!

Thanks. I feel sorry for your situation. Sometimes, people enter our lives when we least expect them and we mess up, I've been through something similar. I wouldn't beat myself over it but this kind of thing is easier said than done.

 

Well, I think she doesn't know how lucky she is, because she doesn't feel like she is lucky. She never tried to contact me again. When someone really likes you, they'd do whatever they can in order to keep you. I had a girl like that in my life. We both liked each other and when I was passive-agressive to her because of her unavailability, she asked why. I tried to avoid the conversation but she didn't take "no" for an answer. She texted, called and talked to me until we communicated. That's how it should be when you actually care about someone.

 

For this girl, I don't think she ever liked me in that way. I think she never cared. Therefore it's impossible for her to feel "lucky" because we know how much of a burden it is to have someone like you when you don't feel anything towards them. I'm just moving on, I don't know what life would bring but I have no expectations about this situation. I do have hope though, that someday I might love another woman the way I loved her, and she might love me back.

Edited March 4, 2018 by drakon12