How to choose? Is this as good as it gets?

[flubberghaster]

Mods, I'm not too sure if this is supposed to be in dating, marriage or other man/woman. Its a bit messy... please feel free to move where its best fitted. I tried posting this in dating but it didn't get much in the way of response and then my account was banned for trolling... which is not what I'm doing. I'm genuinely looking for some guidance and I get the feeling looking at things this way isn't "normal" so please... help.

 

tl;dr: I don't know which man to choose, and I am having trouble distinguishing between love, passion, boredom and success in my head. I need help. I feel like I'm torn between a choice of love and a choice of practical/fiscal. This is written kind of... emotionlessly. I truly hope it doesn't seem too cold... I've been mulling this over for 18 months now and I'm so exhausted from the constantly changing situation and flip-flopping decisions that I'm literally down to listing out the facts.

 

About me: I'm 26 years old, and I've been very fortunate in life. Mum was a single parent who went to the ends of the earth to ensure I had everything I needed. I didn't get into any debt, and I secured a good job when I turned 19. I've been in that same role since and I'm on a good income. I haven't lived alone since moving in with....

 

Option 1/boyfriend of 6 years: X and I started dating when I turned 20, a year after I'd left a tumultuous going-nowhere relationship of two years. There was nothing romantic about it - we started off sleeping together, 4 months later he suggested we date, and here we are 6 years later.

 

We grew our careers significantly together, living in a dingy apartment for the majority of the relationship before embarking on building our dream home on an acreage (almost complete) so I can keep my horses at home and he has lots of space to shoot/work on his cars, etc. To afford this, he started working away. We see each other for roughly 3 months out of a year. He is on 150k+ a year for this role. He is 30 years old, no baggage, and takes care of everything - he doesn't spoil me or lavish me, but he pays for the house, the rental, all the bills - all the boring adult things. In turn I can afford luxuries and pleasures like the gym, hair, my horses etc. He's nice enough to me but we have had some real knock down drag out fights in the past. He went on anti-depressants 2 years ago and remains on them now. We don't 'date', I don't look forward to seeing him when he flies home, and we have no fun together. I'm educated and he dropped out of high school/never read a book in his life, but I can't fault his work ethic.

 

Sex is incredibly important to me. We haven't kissed in 4 years (he "doesn't like it") and the sex is quick and mechanical. He will finish then roll over, apologise for it being so quick and fall asleep. I've tried everything from lingerie to kinky choices to sending sexy photos and engaging in phone/text sex while he's at work with no change... he simply doesn't want to engage in it with me. Oral sex (for me) is completely off the table.

 

I could understand it for a while. One year I got fat... I was depressed, stuck in a rut and frustrated with the lack of sex plus a desk job and quickly piled on 50lbs. I lost it all in 2016 and take very, very good care of myself and a lot of pride in it now.

 

His family and mine are on completely different wavelengths and don't really get along too well. His friends don't know me at all, and mine don't like X at all since in all this time, the most effort they've gotten from him was "she's inside the house."

 

X is NOT a bad guy. I feel like its me that makes him behave this way. He's ... a very poor fit for me as a satisfactory partner. We have no common interests, no common friends... the only commonality we have is the house we both dreamed of. In arguments we have both admitted the only reason we are in this relationship is because we are good business partners.

 

2015 things were going... okay... until I found his search history on his phone when Googling something... which lead to a slippery slope of him having sex with prostitutes and soliciting women on Tinder while he was away. I confronted him and he promised it would never happen again. I sort of understood considering how fat I'd gotten and that was the drive to lose the weight and improve. But I didn't really... forgive him. Just kept the peace and didn't argue/hound him. We got along okay and things seemed to look up a bit once I lost the weight until I met...

 

Option 2/affair partner: Y is 13 years my elder, and lives in a whole 'nother country. Married with 2 kids, now divorcing. We've spent a lot of time together in the last 2 years IRL (in the USA) and fell madly in love. Now that he's divorcing, he's suggesting I finally cut my ties of my unhappy, child-free relationship and come live with him. The divorce is amicable.

 

I would LOVE to be with this man. He's a wonderful fit for me, my friends and family have met him and adore him, and think we're a great fit. Job prospects are good where he lives and the call of adventure (move to a whole new country in a WONDERFUL part of it, a city I've dreamed of and loved since I went there the first time) - but the little practical things bother me.

 

Y's character is solid, and he is financially... sound. He doesn't own his own place, but has a good income and good savings. It'd be a HUGE step down from what I'm used to, and the idea of letting go of home ownership for an apartment/rental again makes my stomach churn. I would have to continue working and have to give up the horses... and gardening... and all the things that currently bring me joy in my sad, dull relationship. I don't know if the happiness I feel with Y cancels out the things I've found to keep me distracted from how unhappy I am with X.

 

Sex is awesome, conversation is daily, support is consistent and he's never promised anything he hasn't kept. It has been an every-day thing punctuated with me visiting him when I go overseas. I could see myself marrying this man and if he was single... I don't think I would hesitate. As far as affairs go, its been very realistic with no future faking, until he actually stepped up and left her. This man is divorcing regardless of who/what I choose to do. He is an absolute sweetheart and I fully believe would be a fantastic relationship once the tides settle.

 

I caught X with more Tinder/prostitute hookups early this year. I didn't care... and frankly looked at it as leverage as, of course, I'd been involved in this affair. I let him know I found out and since then he's back in the pattern of buying me off/being sweet again to keep me around.

 

I spent four years out of 6 in a miserable relationship pouring my heart into this house. Everything is EXACTLY what I wanted, no money spared... and then I think... who the heck am I going to share it with? Spend most of the year alone with a limited social circle since my partner doesn't like my friends and his won't engage with me? I think about marrying X and my stomach churns. I think of marrying Y and I feel elated to marry someone I'd consider my best friend. Little things... once X was caught with his paid lovers, he tried to buy me off with an engagement ring. He showed me the one he thought I'd like - a gaudy, gold, huge-diamonded expensive... monstrosity. This man has been with me for 6 years and has never seen me wear any jewellery let alone something like that. Y chose a small, understated and very subtle ring which perfectly matches my preferences... little things to show who has been paying attention.

 

I'm not sure if I'll regret becoming a childless step-mother to two very young boys at my age (I love kids and am perfectly willing and capable, but will I regret it?) He wants to make me a mother which I want very very badly. Can anyone shed some light on how goof/bad/neutral this reality is? I would lie, the idea of his income being slash for child support... frightens me. I would be bringing a lot of money into this relationship, and I'm terrified its gonna be dashed.

 

I'm just... lost. I don't know if I'm supposed to think with my heart or my head. Its not like Y is irresponsible or broke... but letting go of what I have here is terribly difficult. The thought of raising children with X makes me feel sick. I could have a wonderful material life with X, or risk it all for an adventure of love and marriage with Y. How much fiscal support is reasonable? How much do you compromise? Is staying with X "settling".... hell, is choosing to be with Y settling because his situation isn't perfect?

 

I'm spoiled for choice and completely unprepared to make a good decision. I feel completely paralysed with so much... option. I don't know how to live on my own two feet anymore and I have no idea what is normal, acceptable or healthy here. Please help.

 

-- edit - since posting the original post in 'dating' my partner got home from his last swing and its been endless fights. He won't acknowledge conversation about anything, even benign life things. Yesterday we met with the builder at the property, and more than anything, I felt like X pays me off. I'm moaning that he won't talk to me? He takes me for dinner. I bring up the stark ends to the arguments? He offers to tack something new onto the house that I've wanted; "we'll go get a new fridge." I've withdrawn sex from him for the first time in 6 years, and the fights are getting worse... then it all melts away when I see the beautiful new house being constructed. I'm starting to get the impression that he heard the song "its cheaper to keep her" and thats the life he's following. I can't stop thinking about this and I don't know if its because 1) I don't have the balls to leave and see what its like "on the other side" of this relationship or 2) that I'll never get back to having a nice home again and this is my lot in life and 3) that this is the best it gets.

 

I feel like a ****tier person when he's home, and friends and family notice the change. Friends have described me as "compressed, short, unhappy" when he's home and it all sheds free when he's gone after a few days.

 

Is this what its supposed to be like? I was 19 when I met this guy and everything feels like it "just happened". I know I'm responsible for the choices and on paper, they look like good ones. Own house. No money problems. But a guy who doesn't even like me, just what he can do for me. I listened to the audiobook "Too Good to Leave too Bad to Stay" and it was... helpful... but I found myself making excuses for him to remain on this gravy train. I have no relationships around me that have stuck together to look at and say "yeah, this can be better!" everyone seems to be falling apart.

[Maraud3r]

Well this might sound horrendous but whichever choice you make, I think the other guy would be better off without you! No in all honesty your entire post reads "What can these guys do for me, what do these guys offer me, how can they spoil/lavish/give me luxuries.".

 

That is on top of being an admitted and completely remorseless cheater it appears.

[JDJ]

Wow, this is a sad story to read.

 

For me the line that stands out is

"...then it all melts away when I see the beautiful new house being constructed..."

 

If the OP has not experienced love, she at least should have some idea of what it could be from reading, watching movies, and so on. But she seems to get most excited by real estate. If that is her priority, then so be it. It is somewhat hard for me to understand. I have been a so-called homeowner for over a decade, which to me seems like a misnomer since I am still paying the mortgage. Admittedly, my house has none of the luxuries that the OP's has. I can't help but notice, however, that in that more than a decade, my house has never complimented me, never tried to lift my spirits when I was down, or lifted a finger to help me when I was sick. So for me, a house is a pretty terrible choice of a partner.

[flubberghaster]

Wow, this is a sad story to read.

 

For me the line that stands out is

"...then it all melts away when I see the beautiful new house being constructed..."

 

If the OP has not experienced love, she at least should have some idea of what it could be from reading, watching movies, and so on. But she seems to get most excited by real estate. If that is her priority, then so be it. It is somewhat hard for me to understand. I have been a so-called homeowner for over a decade, which to me seems like a misnomer since I am still paying the mortgage. Admittedly, my house has none of the luxuries that the OP's has. I can't help but notice, however, that in that more than a decade, my house has never complimented me, never tried to lift my spirits when I was down, or lifted a finger to help me when I was sick. So for me, a house is a pretty terrible choice of a partner.

 

Well, this sounds brutal... but I guess its true. I've been in 2 long term relationships and this is one of them. Its never been "loving" or anywhere near movie-esque and never has been. That's half my problem, I've been reading about this for months and half the population says "love doesn't last and don't base your decisions on love alone - as long as you aren't married to/dating someone to is addicted, fiscally immature or chronically abusive you've got it good" and the other half says "love is all that matters! You can weather any storm!" - I don't know if this is as good as it gets and you take what you can from an otherwise crappy relationship or if "the other side" actually does look better. Everyone in my life is either splitting up, divorcing, or sleeping around - I genuinely have no idea of what the heck I'm supposed to do, what I'm supposed to feel or how I'm supposed to proceed.

 

Maraud3r - I'm sorry of this all sounds blunt. There isn't enough space here to right out all the feelings so I've mostly stuck with situation and fact.I'm happy to answer any question brought up here because I'm just... stuck. Both men are unhappy. I'm unhappy. No one is happy or moving forward with life or love.

[JDJ]

Also, if the OP's choice is "Y", I really question her commitment to him. She says Y is understanding, loving, great sex, madly in love, etc. - BUT she might not have a nice house if she is with her. The fact that this choice makes her stomach churn does not bode well for Y down the road.

[JDJ]

Sorry, I just saw flubberghaster's reply. I guess I would also add this. What I was trying to get at with my books and movies reference is that love is real, and it does exist for many people. Not necessarily the kind that would sweep away all rational thinking, budgeting, or planning, but the kind that makes you SURE that being with your loved one is the best place to be, whether you are eating steak off of fine china, or hamburger off of paper plates. It is worth holding out for, especially at age 26. If OP is not sure about Y, it may be worth asking whether that relationship was sought out or created just as an escape from X. Since OP started with X at a very young age, what might help her the most is some time completely on her own to sort things out, scary as that might seem.

[flubberghaster]

Sorry, I just saw flubberghaster's reply. I guess I would also add this. What I was trying to get at with my books and movies reference is that love is real, and it does exist for many people. Not necessarily the kind that would sweep away all rational thinking, budgeting, or planning, but the kind that makes you SURE that being with your loved one is the best place to be, whether you are eating steak off of fine china, or hamburger off of paper plates. It is worth holding out for, especially at age 26. If OP is not sure about Y, it may be worth asking whether that relationship was sought out or created just as an escape from X. Since OP started with X at a very young age, what might help her the most is some time completely on her own to sort things out, scary as that might seem.

 

I appreciate this. Speaking to Y about this - we've been trying to untangle my grasp on the whole "but I love the house!" thing - he believes the only reason I've held so tight to it is because its been the one "joy" in the relationship... and I don't think he's far from wrong. I would love do scrap it with Y... I'm frightened of the creeping regrets that might sink in 2, 3 years down the road. I see SO many women have their "first love" and marry them, then get divorced and in their 30's settle for anyone who throws money at them. I don't want to be that girl.

 

Truly not trying to keep this devoid of emotion. I feel very little to nothing for X except a little gratitude and thankfulness for the helping hand he's given me throughout my 20s. Surely... surely... there's more to that.

 

Today has been all fights with X while we pack in preparation to move. Devolved down to threats... and the most frustrating when he demands something be done, but I physically can't be there - as in, I'm at work right now - so he gets even more frustrated and it cycles. I haven't spoken to friends in days because I've felt so depressed since he's been home, and I can't wait for him to leave again. The only time he seemed happy(ish) was when we were looking at the house again... its the glue keeping this together. He can't stand my company and I can't stand his, yet when I offer to take my half of the savings/equity and leave, he refuses it and won't accept me leaving. I've done that twice now with zero idea of where to go or how to proceed and always end up back "home."

 

Work pulled me aside today to say I seemed "unhappy" and "don't smile enough"... which made me cry. Like an idiot. This is affecting me more than I thought and the "safe place" (work) is now not so safe to escape to.

 

So absolutely, sickeningly lost. I can see why people spiral rapidly in bad relationships. I never did understand it prior to this last year.

[JDJ]

Ok flubberghaster, your latest post makes things more clear to me. The rational side of you should know and recognize that you are extremely unhappy right now. If you have already had the conversation twice about leaving X and taking half your equity, you are more ready to leave than I thought. I am just an internet commenter, but it seems to me that you should follow through on leaving. The longer it goes on, the harder it will get financially and personally. It sounds like you two will not fight over the financial side, so you should make your exit while that is still possible.

 

I'm not sure what his "won't accept me leaving" really means. Is it threatening, or just stubborn? If you can, you should try to push past that.

[Be_Strong]

For me, being with the right person is infinitely more important to me than material things like a house, horses, luxuries, etc. I would much rather be in love and dead broke, than wealthy and in a loveless relationship.

 

But, not everyone is wired that same way. It very well could be that if the OP leaves to go be with option Y, the lower financial standing, fewer luxuries, and lack of amenities will eat away at her and poison the relationship with Y until she is resentful about the whole thing.

 

Flubberghaster, the fact that you’re agonizing over this decision for so long and the fact that this is such a difficult choice shows that Y is probably not the right choice for you. If he was the love of your life, you’d have already run off with him even if he was homeless. I don’t doubt that X is also not right for you and you should probably leave that relationship too. As you said, it’s nothing more than a business arrangement for the both of you.

 

I say drop them both, be single for a while, and then find a guy that checks all your boxes.

[Crazelnut]

OP, you need to learn to live on your own. You've been in long term R's since you were a teenager. You need to learn to stop depending on men for your happiness AND financial support.

[anika99]

I agree with the above poster. You clearly don't love your current bf and you are using him for what he provides. You need to leave him no matter what, but you also don't sound mature or selfless enough to be involved with a divorced man with children. It's not just his money that he is going to have to share with his family (child support and alimony) his time and emotions will also be split with his kids and his exwife. As you have been having a long distance relationship with him you have no idea what it will really feel like when you take him and his whole family on.

 

Of course you are constantly fighting with your current bf. You are cheating on him and giving your feelings to another man so you are being overly critical of your bf and finding fault in everything he says and does. He can't compete with your fantasy long distance lover.

 

Move out and learn to take care of yourself. Lasting happiness isn't going to be found in a man. I don't see either of these relationships working out because you are too needy and too dependant on men for your financial and emotional wellbeing. You haven't matured enough to make a good choice in a lifetime partner,

 

Finally you said Y has a solid character but by reading your posts it sounds like he was cheating with you before he got divorced, and you are cheating on your bf while still using him for material gain and your bf has cheated on you. Therefore it doesn't sound like any of the three of you have a solid character. You have some growing and learning to do before you will be ready for marriage or motherhood.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Your post made me so sad. You are only 26 and believe your only options are to settle for a cheater who has sex with prostitutes whom you don't even love, or a cheater with 2 kids who is 13 years your senior and lives in another country. And to top it off, you seem to have no standards for your own behaivior, cheating with no apparent remorse.

 

How about leaving both of them and getting some counseling to figure out why your standards are so low for your own behaivior and the people in your life? While you're at it, please get a full std panel.

 

Yes, it does get better than this, but you have a lot of work to do before you can even recognize what a healthy relationship looks like.

[flubberghaster]

Your post made me so sad. You are only 26 and believe your only options are to settle for a cheater who has sex with prostitutes whom you don't even love, or a cheater with 2 kids who is 13 years your senior and lives in another country. And to top it off, you seem to have no standards for your own behaivior, cheating with no apparent remorse.

 

How about leaving both of them and getting some counseling to figure out why your standards are so low for your own behaivior and the people in your life? While you're at it, please get a full std panel.

 

Yes, it does get better than this, but you have a lot of work to do before you can even recognize what a healthy relationship looks like.

 

Well, you guys are harsh but likely right. As a heads up, I've been very careful and because I have an IUD, I get checked every 6 months... particularly after the hooker fiasco.

 

I'm learning that I have absolutely no idea. I've coasted for so long on this, met Y, lost a tonne of weight and felt semi-alive again. Its kind of spiraled from there. I've had all sorts of excuses; from only having to see X for 3 months out of a year seems like a decent deal, particularly when I look at single friends - long term or recent - they all look miserable. I thought X was miserable too but when I go to leave he doesn't want me to. The whole thing is completely dysfunctional. Y just kind of waits on the sidelines doing his own things, partially waiting for me to "see the light."

 

I have no idea how people choose. I didn't make a conscious decision that this was a good relationship when I was 19, and before I knew it I was turning 26 with a house being built, huge money tied into a man I don't even like as a friend (and I'm certain most of the time, he doesn't like me either.)

 

I appreciate the comments, guys, as harsh as they are. Its a trifecta of people who are trying not to suck too badly, but here we are.

[niji]

If the OP has not experienced love, she at least should have some idea of what it could be from reading, watching movies, and so on. But she seems to get most excited by real estate. If that is her priority, then so be it. It is somewhat hard for me to understand. I have been a so-called homeowner for over a decade, which to me seems like a misnomer since I am still paying the mortgage. Admittedly, my house has none of the luxuries that the OP's has. I can't help but notice, however, that in that more than a decade, my house has never complimented me, never tried to lift my spirits when I was down, or lifted a finger to help me when I was sick. So for me, a house is a pretty terrible choice of a partner.

 

I died

OP, your situation is not what I would want, but it's far from being rare. I know people who are tied to each other precisely because of common property/financial stakes. Most people are content if they get along and don't fight on a daily basis. The truth is, even if you love someone, without living together first it's very difficult to judge long-term compatibility. Take my parents for example. Fell in love, got married, only to find out they're not very compatible. They're still together and make good partners, but love in the romantic sense is not there. They love each other probably because of the shared children they have, and while it's a good thing that they love their kids, it's not how an ideal marriage should be.

 

If you leave your current boyfriend and go for the foreign guy, there's no guarantee that he can make you happy in the long run. You sound like you have only known love for yourself all of these years, which is OK if that's the life choices you have made. Nothing wrong with that. I feel bad for the potential partners that will be involved with you, but at least you don't sound like you would really suffer for anybody, which is a good start. Some people weren't meant to have a life partner and just have flings here and there; maybe real estate really is your passion, and maybe you don't need a partner to feel happy. There are single people out there who just have casual relationships; they do what they love, in the house they love, and when they're old, check themselves in to a nursing home or hire home health caretakers. Better than to be with someone you resent. That's a real possibility. Again, as long as you're honest and happy, there's no wrong life choices.

[flubberghaster]

I died

OP, your situation is not what I would want, but it's far from being rare. I know people who are tied to each other precisely because of common property/financial stakes. Most people are content if they get along and don't fight on a daily basis. The truth is, even if you love someone, without living together first it's very difficult to judge long-term compatibility. Take my parents for example. Fell in love, got married, only to find out they're not very compatible. They're still together and make good partners, but love in the romantic sense is not there. They love each other probably because of the shared children they have, and while it's a good thing that they love their kids, it's not how an ideal marriage should be.

 

If you leave your current boyfriend and go for the foreign guy, there's no guarantee that he can make you happy in the long run. You sound like you have only known love for yourself all of these years, which is OK if that's the life choices you have made. Nothing wrong with that. I feel bad for the potential partners that will be involved with you, but at least you don't sound like you would really suffer for anybody, which is a good start. Some people weren't meant to have a life partner and just have flings here and there; maybe real estate really is your passion, and maybe you don't need a partner to feel happy. There are single people out there who just have casual relationships; they do what they love, in the house they love, and when they're old, check themselves in to a nursing home or hire home health caretakers. Better than to be with someone you resent. That's a real possibility. Again, as long as you're honest and happy, there's no wrong life choices.

 

This was... really helpful! Thankyou! I know this history doesn't look good, but it definitely doesn't align with what I want. I don't want to hurt these men, and I don't want to live so... in-authentically. I don't seem to be able to pull my head in and just do it; pull the plug with X, give Y a go if that's what we both agree to, and move on. I would love to have the crystal clear nuclear family with a nice home, a loving husband (who has a loving loyal wife!) and 2.5 kids.

 

Guess I better make better decisions that actually makes that happen, hey?!

[GoldenR]

Please don't believe for a minute that your AP is getting divorced. All male APs say that to keep getting sex. Like 1% do it without getting caught and it happens bc their wives divorce them and not nice versa.

 

Your AP is using you. And you're not partner material for your bf.

 

Be single for a while.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I would hate to be either x or y in your scenario. . .

 

If you want to mature and be clear headed and honest, you should leave x, but not pursue a relationship with y.

 

You are obviously not satisfying X, or X is sexually addicted.

 

To not want to kiss his partner, yet he feels the need to use prostitutes? WTF? Any female with any level of self respect would have dropped that guy in a heartbeat. . .

 

As for your remote affair partner, I would predict that relationship will be highly dysfunctional also. When the relationship is not longer illicit a lot of the excitement will dissipate. The two of you met when you were both supposed to be in committed relationships? That is no recipe for starting a successful LTR.

 

I could go on and on. But I will say that in my opinion you should leave X and not pursue a relationship with Y.

[BettyDraper]

I don't even know where to begin....

 

OP, I'm not going to pretend that material items and financial stability are not important. Financial difficulties are one of the main reasons for divorce. Women are hardwired to look for the best providers regardless of what we have achieved independently. That's why so many young and beautiful women marry old billionaires.

 

At the same time, it's rather frightening to see how detached you are when you compare your partners. You have reduced these "relationships" to spreadsheets and you're coldly looking at which partner could provide a better life. You are already earning that dream house by not being kissed and being fully aware that X is seeing prostitutes. Doesn't that hurt you? I won't even mention the other man because I hope you understand why he is not an appropriate partner.

 

Since it's imperative that you no longer live in apartments, then I guess X would be the best choice in this scenario. Sure...you might catch an STI and he won't love you but at least you'll have your dream house.

[Vyliss]

I might point something out you may not realize. X uses money to get women to do what he wants (prostitutes), and you are no different from those women. He uses "money/material things" to keep you around so you can both live out this image of an "ideal life".

 

I'd say that is probably why OP is completely fine with X seeing prostitutes.

 

Harsh but sometimes you need to see it this way to get your butt moving into gear. Do you want to be another one of X's prostitutes?

 

It's not surprising your beliefs of love are so terribly skewed. You said so yourself you have never seen a "good relationship", all those around you are falling apart too. So in comparison, your situation looks pretty good compared to theirs.

 

My advice, watch romantic movies like The Notebook/The Vow/Me Before You/Twilight. There's a reason why Romance is a HUGE money maker for the entertainment industry - it's because they are based on REAL LIFE emotions and situations. Yea, believe it or not, there are people's relationships that are exactly like those movies and they capture how falling in love, being in love and enduring through tough times are really like.

 

Only people who don't have love in their life, or are bitter about love would "dislike" those kind of movies.... well it's true.

 

Stop looking at your friends/family as any kind of relationship standard. They are all clueless and need their own education on love. Watch movies instead.

 

This will raise your standard for love to a new level. Just as you have renovated your house and "leveled up" to a higher standard than when you first bought it, you need to "level up" your standard on love too.

 

That is if you actually want what you say you want.

 

As for X or Y - personally Y only looks great in COMPARISON to X. In reality, you will regret picking either option. Once again, watch Romance movies, take notes, raise your standard first and you'll understand.

 

The reason you have a hard time picking is because your heart AND your head knows either option sucks. If Y truly was "the one" for you, it wouldn't even be a debate. You'd already be out the door and halfway to America.

 

So your problem is not, do I choose X or Y. You've actually picked an easy problem to distract yourself from the REAL problem.

 

The real problem - the one you don't want to face or admit is.. how can I stop prostituting myself emotionally and financially, go out on my own, stop allowing men to have power over me and actually find true love?

 

That is the tougher problem to answer. We would much rather avoid our real problem because to face the real problem require HUGE risks and potential loss. But without the possibility of huge loss there is also no possibility of huge gain either.

 

Most people won't make that jump unless their backs are to the wall and they are absolutely MISERABLE. Which I feel you're not quite there yet. If you were really miserable, making a decision would be as easy as running out of a house that is on fire.