Be aggressive

[mortensorchid]

I have been thinking about this for a bit now, the notion of women being the aggressor in the relationship. This debate will never be resolved, but I have known some very aggressive women in my day who chased the object of their affection and always seemed to get the immediate response but never the long term.

 

Had a former woman friend who moved twice in six months for two different men. The second was a complete rebound, she eventually married him. He didn't ask her, she told him they were getting married. And they did, had two children, and are now divorced today. Imagine that.

 

Had another former woman friend who was always juggling boyfriends, but she was a typical user of all those around her. She chased the men, was a complete shrew to others but as soon as you put a man she was interested in she was sweet as honey.

 

Some guys I did like in the past and I admit I pursued them. But that always ended with them doing the breaking up or them rejecting me. And then another time I was friends with another guy who was absolutely, positively GORGEOUS. I knew he had women all over him and I figured I was one of the heard, I had him panting like a dog. It didn't last long but the relationship was quite ... Passionate to say the least because I made him work for it. He didn't deserve me ultimately which is why he broke it off, but I patted myself ultimately for landing the Brad Pitt of the city if just for a moment.

 

So ... What's the level of aggression that women should or should not show towards a man? I wonder.

[basil67]

It's pointless to try and work out what works best because all men are different. Some men like women who are the aggressor. Some like women who make it easy and comfortable for them. Some men like women who make them work.

 

I've always been the kind of woman who makes it easy for a guy and it's served me really well. Then again, I've always just believed in being myself and letting the cards fall where they may. No point pretending to be all coy when it's not in my personality to be so.

[snowboy91]

I feel the word "aggressor" is a bit harsh in this context. But I've always thought that for anything in life, if you want it, you gotta work for it. That includes potential partners - if you like someone, you should pursue them while respecting and maintaining boundaries for both yourself and that person. Which means that sometimes the woman should pursue the man if she likes him - because he may just not know she likes him, or he hasn't considered her as an option yet.

[GemmaUK]

It really depends on the guy. Guys are all different and I could also see the answer changing depending upon the woman and or situation.

 

There is a difference though between initial persual and not playing your part in dating and showing interest in return.

From your threads you seem to get dates but a guy will soon lose interest for some reason.

Do you sit back and leave all of the work up to them maybe? If you do once you have been on a date or two then some men will see that as a lack of interest so will move on.

[FMW]

There's always a danger that when a woman makes the initial moves the dynamic will stay the same throughout the relationship. A woman who is confident enough to be the initiator will probably eventually be turned off if the guy remains in the passive/receptive role.

 

From another side of the issue, a male friend of mine married a woman 22 years ago that was the pursuer and was actually the one who asked him to marry her. They are married still today, but he feels trapped and waiting out his daughters getting through college before being able to end the marriage so that she won't waste the money needed for their education on a nasty divorce battle. He's had a few affairs in the past and will likely again.

 

I'm sure there are some examples of successful relationships where the woman is the more "aggressive" one, but it seems to me they are in the minority.

[CptInsano]

It's pointless to try and work out what works best because all men are different. Some men like women who are the aggressor. Some like women who make it easy and comfortable for them. Some men like women who make them work.

 

It does not only depend on the guy but also on the match-up. If he is not into the woman she will not get anywhere. As to me, if I was into her she could almost do no wrong. Heck, I had a woman literally jump me, so that I fell backwards onto the floor, not expecting that reaction after touching her arm. At least she made her position clear.

 

And can we call it initiative and not agression? Agression means something different to me. But no matter who you are: Initiative doesn't make somebody available to you who is simply not interested.

[amaysngrace]

But no matter who you are: Initiative doesn't make somebody available to you who is simply not interested.

 

Exactly. It's the equivalent of a woman being approached by a man she's not attracted to. It makes him creepy.

[Mike800]

Exactly. It's the equivalent of a woman being approached by a man she's not attracted to. It makes him creepy.

 

If you're an adult and you get creeped out by somebody hitting on you just because you're not attracted to them you have some serious issues.

 

What's creepy is a persons actions not what they look like..a creepy individual can be somebody good looking as well..

 

I've been hit on by women I wasn't attracted to who were respectful nice women and was flattered not creeped out.

[gaius]

There are plenty of lazy, passive guys who will just go along with a woman because she's aggressive. That doesn't mean he's really into her. Even if they end up getting married.

 

Guys are actually fairly picky in regard to a dynamic they want to stay with for a life time. It took me years and years and years to find my fiance. And when I did I let no barrier stand in my way to being with her.

 

If you're aggressive as a woman you might end up with some success, even getting married, but its extremely unlikely the guy is going to be happy or respect you in the long term. One in a million. Because you aren't letting him pick you and work for it. If you're that for him then you won't have to be aggressive.

[Shining One]

I've shared this experience before, but it's appropriate for this thread. Years ago, I was in a lounge. I had just made eye contact and exchanged smiles with a woman across the room. I was making my way over to talk to her when another woman grabbed me by the arm, held up a drink and said: "You have to try this." Within a few minutes, I wasn't even thinking about the first woman any more. Taking initiative gives you the edge against those who don't. That applies to both men and women.

[amaysngrace]

If you're an adult and you get creeped out by somebody hitting on you just because you're not attracted to them you have some serious issues.

 

Really? Tell that to Human Resources.

[Mike800]

Really? Tell that to Human Resources.

 

Im not talking being harassed at work I'm talking a friendly approach when you're out or wherever.

 

Do you get "creeped out" by a man you think isn't attractive if he hits on you even if he's doing it in a respectful way?

[amaysngrace]

Do you get "creeped out" by a man you think isn't attractive if he hits on you even if he's doing it in a respectful way?

 

No I don't but this is about being aggressive I thought.

[Mike800]

No I don't but this is about being aggressive I thought.

 

Aggressive to me means pursue and tell your intentions right away, flirt ..not grope a women or harass her.

[Chilli]

Yep , as a guy l fully agree with the very first line and l've seen it 100 times.

Even around LS, with a lot of the women's posts.

And to me it's kinda really off too in a women.

l cringe when l see it or hear about it tbh and 9 times out of 10 he's usually just not that interested.

Might go along with it for a free feed so to speak and the easy ride convenience but really , most of the time that's about what it is.

 

l know everyone will know a couple otherwise , l do too , but really 9 times outa 10, she had to do the chasing because he just wasn't interested enough to bother.

Even one of my brothers has been in one 18 yrs , the stupid fk doesn't even like her that much.

He's gf before that, same thing again , both older than him both chased and did the lot pr he wouldn't even be with them.

Edited February 21, 2018 by Chilli

[Cookiesandough]

Do you get "creeped out" by a man you think isn't attractive if he hits on you even if he's doing it in a respectful way?

 

If anyone does they have serious issues.

[preraph]

I was aggressive, but I also tried not to just hit them over the head with it, more about using my head and trying to find a commonality with someone or a reason to talk to them. But I mean, I was somewhat aggressive some ways and I finally decided it was a bad idea. Because the ones that netted were too meek for me, too indecisive, not alpha enough, not assertive enough to be of any help in daily life if I would have ever attempted to live with them.

 

So, I did it my own way and if I hadn't, I wouldn't have met nearly as many guys, but like you said, many of them it was a quick relationship and then me getting my heart broken. Some, I stayed connected with.

 

I'll never forget this one guy I dated who I am still friends with decades later, I met him as he was exiting his first high school marriage. Then he did something heinous and we fell out but ended up working together, so I was there to see his 2nd and third marriages. I remember after the 2nd one ended in disaster asking him why on earth her ever married her to begin with, and he said, "She nagged me into it. If you'd nagged me, I probably would have married you."

 

Great. Just great.

[anika99]

I have been thinking about this for a bit now, the notion of women being the aggressor in the relationship. This debate will never be resolved, but I have known some very aggressive women in my day who chased the object of their affection and always seemed to get the immediate response but never the long term.

 

Had a former woman friend who moved twice in six months for two different men. The second was a complete rebound, she eventually married him. He didn't ask her, she told him they were getting married. And they did, had two children, and are now divorced today. Imagine that.

 

Had another former woman friend who was always juggling boyfriends, but she was a typical user of all those around her. She chased the men, was a complete shrew to others but as soon as you put a man she was interested in she was sweet as honey.

 

Some guys I did like in the past and I admit I pursued them. But that always ended with them doing the breaking up or them rejecting me. And then another time I was friends with another guy who was absolutely, positively GORGEOUS. I knew he had women all over him and I figured I was one of the heard, I had him panting like a dog. It didn't last long but the relationship was quite ... Passionate to say the least because I made him work for it. He didn't deserve me ultimately which is why he broke it off, but I patted myself ultimately for landing the Brad Pitt of the city if just for a moment.

 

So ... What's the level of aggression that women should or should not show towards a man? I wonder.

 

You are trying to draw a correlation between a woman being the pursuer of a relationship and relationships ending. That's quite a stretch and I doubt very much that there is any correlation. I know some guys that do not like women to make the first move or do the chasing and I know some guys that love it when women take the initiative and pursue them. Everyone is different and relationships end for all kinds of reasons.

[Popsicle]

Both genders appreciate effort. Putting some effort in is how people gauge interest in the absence of words. When one person is putting all the effort in there is going to be some imbalance. It's just a matter of whether the person decides to open their eyes and see it or not.

[carhill]

I remember the last truly aggressive woman I encountered, some 25 years ago. She was pretty good over about six months or so then came the sales pitch for the investment scam.

 

I've been skeptical of aggressive women, especially attractive ones (she was) ever since.

 

Fast forward to a month or so ago, when a similar lady shows up on my front porch in the middle of nowhere. I'm thinking to myself, my dear you are quite forward and way too attractive to be wandering around in the forest so I'm looking behind her for robbers, agents, black helicopters, whatever.

 

Single? Attractive? Aggressive? Conspiracy theory Russian agent radar pops up....

 

However, I'm sure the younger guys who haven't been through the wringer will love them.

[Popsicle]

I remember the last truly aggressive woman I encountered, some 25 years ago. She was pretty good over about six months or so then came the sales pitch for the investment scam.

 

I've been skeptical of aggressive women, especially attractive ones (she was) ever since.

 

Fast forward to a month or so ago, when a similar lady shows up on my front porch in the middle of nowhere. I'm thinking to myself, my dear you are quite forward and way too attractive to be wandering around in the forest so I'm looking behind her for robbers, agents, black helicopters, whatever.

 

Single? Attractive? Aggressive? Conspiracy theory Russian agent radar pops up....

 

However, I'm sure the younger guys who haven't been through the wringer will love them.

 

lol funny.

 

Popsicle

[CptInsano]

However, I'm sure the younger guys who haven't been through the wringer will love them.

 

I wouldn't say that. I suppose we all had women we met at parties who wanted to sell mutual funds or were recruiting for Scientology. But those were actually rfew and far between. If time has taught me anything, it would be to question less why somebody is attracted to me.

[greymatter]

It does not only depend on the guy but also on the match-up. If he is not into the woman she will not get anywhere. As to me, if I was into her she could almost do no wrong. Heck, I had a woman literally jump me, so that I fell backwards onto the floor, not expecting that reaction after touching her arm. At least she made her position clear.

 

And can we call it initiative and not agression? Agression means something different to me. But no matter who you are: Initiative doesn't make somebody available to you who is simply not interested.

 

Aggressive mans something different to me also. Assertive is a fine quality, especially in the context of interest that is reciprocated.

[Fair]

I won't even message a guy on OLD first because when I do they NEVER pursue the conversation, ask for my number, etc. And unless you make them work for your number they never call. So... here's this game women are forced to play that never ends with men... they want the chase.

 

This makes me feel powerless in dating. I can't go for what I want because I'll be met with a brick wall... I have to wait to see what will come after me and then pick and choose from that while still having to do that high wire balancing act which is the 'game" to keep them interested. Ugh. No wonder I frequently decide not dating at all is best.

[CptInsano]

I won't even message a guy on OLD first because when I do they NEVER pursue the conversation, ask for my number, etc.

 

Isn't that what the experience is like for many men on OLD? I think you'd have better results with men your RL social circle. I'm not lazy when it comes to reaching out to women, but I have never rejected anybody I was interested in because she was forthcoming. Some men like the chase, sure. Others take a rather practical approach to dating.