Open Letter-Coping a year out.

[Sundra1]

I've had a lot of ups and downs this year. It's been almost a year since we broke up. A few months after that, not a word will have been exchanged for longer than the duration of our relationship. The most important thing I am learning to realize is that I can control the level of involvement and context of the relationships I have. One of the relationships that I must let go of is this one. This has evaporated physically, socially, and mentally, but my heart still holds on.

 

That part does not want to let go, but it must. I still have a bit of heartache, but I made the right decision. I know I did. Every once in a while a memory flashes, my heart melts, then it turns to stone. This is why we cannot be friends.

 

Inside the hurricane of emotions have calmed but the wreckage of sorrow, anger, disappointment, and frustration float on the seas in little bits, slowly drifting out on the horizon. "Better to fight this battle now, than years from now" I told myself at the end. I don't know if I have changed since then. I certainly tried. I poured sweat and tears into the workshop and built myself a new. When I look in the mirror, I still don't know if I see anything different now than I did back then.

 

However, I own whatever this transformation was, is, or will be. I own it outright, no debts and no gratitude for anyone else. I worked hard, and I worked smart. I've learned how to navigate a different type of storm and see it coming. I rebuilt the frame, and strengthened it's hull.

 

You didn't have the patience nor did you want to be a part of that journey. You wanted to ride on my journey as I helped you navigate yours, and but when my turn came you left. You said it yourself. The painful part is not so much what you did, but what you didn't do. I have to admit that I was wrong about you. That hurts. I have to admit the flaws, and those flaws were tied to things that I loved so much, but they too were deeply flawed. You treated me poorly while all I did was give you my love. I am not a victim, I know this, I was just blind to what was true. It hurts because I made a decision and choice with all the information in front of me and I neglected truth. I let myself down.

 

The truth is, you and I are different, we will always be different, and I cannot accept you. If I saw these things before, I probably would not have accepted you, and now that I have, I still do not accept you. So when you felt deser-ved of a friendship, I did not accept it because I would have not accepted a friendship with you. I would not have accepted it before, nor would I accept it after. Since you see me as a friend after what I have given, I do not accept you. I would never accept anyone who saw me that way.

 

This hurts. Why does it hurt? Why is there pain for the denial of what is ultimately a success and mutual acceptance? Well it hurts because if there is any change on your end, I know that I will not be the benefactor of the relationship, nor will you be the benefactor of mine. I will be but a mere stepping stone in your path to self-actualization.

 

It hurts because the person that I cared deeply for could not accept everything that I poured out. They only wanted what benefited them and only them most with little regard for me. This was a thorny romance whose bushes were cut brash, leaving sap stained stems. I could never have won this battle. You never gave what I did, although you honestly and whole-heartedly convinced me that you were. You made a real effort there and I commend you for the facade. However, when you told me that you were afraid I was going to leave if you were honest with me you showed me that I had no choice. I was living in a lie, and my time was wasted at my expense, for your benefit. Your fear manifested itself because of your fear.

 

I could only remove myself as neatly as possible once it was over, cutting my losses as short as possible without leaving a trace behind. However, our differences are fundamental, we have different upbringings and we don't see relationships the same way. I don't think that will change.

 

I weep inside a little bit and wonder where the love has gone and if it will return next time it is given and to whom it is given. I am everything with or without you, but you were the looking glass which helped me see the pretty colors in the world, and the sound of a special song that I once enjoyed but fell into the sea with the storm, dragged down to the floor by the heavy brass brackets of your player.