My wife's "sick love" for animals is damaging our marriage

[wmacbride]

That's what scares me the most...

 

She does not show signs of hoarding with regular stuff, however with animals...hadn't I put my foot down a couple of times, our house would be a kennel...

 

I've met a few hoarders in my volunteer work/ when my daughter was pet sitting for a lady .

 

Their hearts are in the right place but in the end, they often do the animals more harm than good. One person can only do so much. Just my uneducated opinion, but from what I have seen , it seems to stem from a combination of issues with past abandonment/loss with certain traits of ocd and a compassionate heart.

[kenji_t]

I've met a few hoarders in my volunteer work/ when my daughter was pet sitting for a lady .

 

Their hearts are in the right place but in the end, they often do the animals more harm than good. One person can only do so much. Just my uneducated opinion, but from what I have seen , it seems to stem from a combination of issues with past abandonment/loss with certain traits of ocd and a compassionate heart.

 

Exactly, yet they refuse, or cannot, acknowledge they are not doing any good for the animals.

 

This is how most of the shelters work in our location...animals living in a terrible situation and "animal protectors" trying to help.

 

They are good people, but honestly don't do my wife any good.

The more time she spent with them, the more animals she wants to bring home.

 

I also have to say my wife takes medication for her anxiety issues, forgot to mention that.

Edited February 21, 2018 by kenji_t
forgot to add information

[rickwman]

I don't think your selfish. Many times couples without kids will transfer their emotions to pets. Once kids come, the pets become secondary. You didn't mention if you have children. You need to be empathetic towards her abandonment issues. Hopefully her therapist is helping her with this. If you're thinking about divorcing because of this, I'd advise for you to seek a counselor, pastor or therapist to receive wise counseling. Please don't move down this path due to jealousy.

[jay1983]

Rocky, although I've heard it's a bad idea to name animals you're plotting to turn into rib eyes.

 

Give you a hundred for the skin? I'd like to tan it and make it into some boots.

[GorillaTheater]

Give you a hundred for the skin? I'd like to tan it and make it into some boots.

 

 

You may have seen my FB post about getting that calf. My daughter was going to keep the hide for something, but if you're serious I can ask her if she'd sell it to you. It won't be for another few months though.

[RecentChange]

Oh I feel for you OP.

 

I am an “animal person” and have been involved with them all of my life….

 

And I confess, we have 2 dogs, 2 cats, and 1 horse…. Only the horse and one of the cats was an intentional acquisition –but my husband was the one guilty of bringing home the dogs!

 

But I digress…. I hope I do not offend anyone, but there is a lot of bat s**** crazy in the animal rescue world.

 

You should see facebook, so many “OMG I am sobbing, SAVE THEM!!” Posts that are just…. Way emotional and very out of touch with reality.

 

This “I must save them” mentality often has little do with the actual animal or making an impact on a whole, and every thing to do with way over the top emotions that – like you know, often derive from personal scar.

 

I guess all I can say is stand your ground, continue to support her in getting therapy. Because “more pets” will never “fix” this. There will always be more animals in need. If she can’t handle the stark reality of shelters etc, then well, she really just needs to focus on making the best life for the animals that she does have.

 

Like having a dog that is not fixed WTF?! That needs to be addressed ASAP. As someone who has taken in animals, and has successfully trained and re-homed them, this has always been priority #1. If the animal is healthy enough to go through surgery (and neutering males is such a simple procedure) it gets done the first week the animal is with me. Period.

 

On the off topic calf skin issue…. It costs a fair amount to tan a hide! And your run of the mill slaughter house doesn’t usually offer those services. Usually much easier and cheaper to buy from a commercial retailer. There are many of them online.

[jay1983]

I'm gonna tan it myself.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I know they have monthly expenses, what I mentioned is that "we can afford them".

 

We're being able to take care of them and still saving plenty of money, so this is not what worries me.

 

What worries me is if she ends up like an animal hoarder, that's what I'm afraid.

 

 

You say this now. However, you have five pets, the odds are they are going to get sick at some point, that is when the costs will start adding up.

 

If you make lots of money, fine, but if you don't, you're heading for trouble if she keeps adding to the family.

 

I just spent over $500 at vet this week, next week will be another $300, with more costs for ongoing health issues of my pet, who was up till now a very healthy animal.

 

I was advised that euthanasia was an option, however, my bond and emotional connection made that impossible for me to consider. From what you have described of your wife, I imagine she will be the same way about all your pets.

 

My point is consider the big picture. It may seem like manageable costs now, but that will change. There are too many of them to not have problems, and they will all get old and develop problems in one way or another.

 

I would start by talking to her about being able to provide for these pets for the rest of their lives and all their medical costs in the future (potentially thousands each). It would be more traumatizing to have to put down an animal because she can't afford ongoing treatment.

 

Good luck.

[BettyDraper]

Oh I feel for you OP.

 

I am an “animal person” and have been involved with them all of my life….

 

And I confess, we have 2 dogs, 2 cats, and 1 horse…. Only the horse and one of the cats was an intentional acquisition –but my husband was the one guilty of bringing home the dogs!

 

But I digress…. I hope I do not offend anyone, but there is a lot of bat s**** crazy in the animal rescue world.

 

You should see facebook, so many “OMG I am sobbing, SAVE THEM!!” Posts that are just…. Way emotional and very out of touch with reality.

 

This “I must save them” mentality often has little do with the actual animal or making an impact on a whole, and every thing to do with way over the top emotions that – like you know, often derive from personal scar.

 

I guess all I can say is stand your ground, continue to support her in getting therapy. Because “more pets” will never “fix” this. There will always be more animals in need. If she can’t handle the stark reality of shelters etc, then well, she really just needs to focus on making the best life for the animals that she does have.

 

Like having a dog that is not fixed WTF?! That needs to be addressed ASAP. As someone who has taken in animals, and has successfully trained and re-homed them, this has always been priority #1. If the animal is healthy enough to go through surgery (and neutering males is such a simple procedure) it gets done the first week the animal is with me. Period.

 

On the off topic calf skin issue…. It costs a fair amount to tan a hide! And your run of the mill slaughter house doesn’t usually offer those services. Usually much easier and cheaper to buy from a commercial retailer. There are many of them online.

 

I wholeheartedly agree that it is very irresponsible to have an intact animal who is not being used for breeding purposes.

 

The "save the animals" militia come across as irrational. I had some of them attack me because I was rehoming my cat. I was having asthma attacks and I could barely breathe! Was I supposed to keep the cat and die? I rehomed my cat with a nice family too; I didn't just drop her off at a shelter.

[amaysngrace]

I'm hoping my two intact dogs breed. I even put on a little Marvin Gaye for them from time to time.

[amaysngrace]

I just spent over $500 at vet this week, next week will be another $300, with more costs for ongoing health issues of my pet, who was up till now a very healthy animal.

 

What's wrong with your pet?

[camillalev]

Honestly it sounds like shes on the road to becoming an animal hoarder. Her abandonment issues 100% is the source of her desire to rescue and keep animals. This is how animal hoarding starts - through a desire to help animals that eventually gets out of control. If you're in an apartment with this many animals, thats already too much. People that rescue and foster animals knows that in most cases the best and kindest thing you can do for an animal is find them a home where they can flourish, even if you've grown attached to them(which most fosters do). The fact that she got upset at you and said she should be able to get as many as she wants tells you she sees more in her future.

I wouldn't say shes in hoarder territory yet but considering her thinking and the fact that she doesnt see the amount of animals you have now as a lot(and hinted at wanting more), is a red flag.

 

Also, animals can end up being pretty expensive. If a few of them got sick around the same time youd be paying a pretty penny for the vet bills.

Edited February 23, 2018 by camillalev

[todreaminblue]

I'm hoping my two intact dogs breed. I even put on a little Marvin Gaye for them from time to time.

 

 

lol

 

 

lets get it onnnnnnnnn...singin now..hee hee ahem.....love love marvin gaye crooner that he was.....deb

[todreaminblue]

hello op...animal rescuer here .....mistaken for an animal hoarder quite often but i am not ..i just have a very large animal extended family if i were on a property a farm i would have loads of animals ....and i would probably get a license to home native wildlife that needed foster care....yep im an animal junkie......completely addicted....

 

i have an addictive personality....and i cant stand any animal or person for that matter being abandoned/alone or isolated from love neither can my kids which means we end up with lost of strays...kids, people and animals....

 

people surrender animals to me...with native animals i call parks and wildlife emergency services and they come get the injured animals we find on our doorstep at night and they give them proper care....and then release them back into their natural habitat....if we find native animals during the day we take them to a vet who is obligated to call the proper authorities in regards to native animals.....with strays dogs and cats.....i find them their homes..using the neighbourhood grapevine......and to date ...i have been able too touch wood thankin god.... because our house is full....stray kids and homeless people are harder to find accomodation for....all the people shelters and youth refuges are full because they dont euthanize people....so you have to beg and plead and ring a hundred times and pester to get people accomodation....

 

i have gone to shelters with my family to rescue dogs...and i come away from that bawling my eyes out even though they have rescued a dog........because those other dogs look at me and they just want love and to have a home,.normally the big older dogs that cost too much too look after..or the old sad dogs sitting in the corner knowing they wont get a look in(my sis chose one of these dogs an old dog with a broken jaw ....)....nah have to stop writing about it....gettin teary....

 

you are not selfish at all...there's limits and when in a relationship your partners wishes and thoughts are just as important as your own....i got into the habit of finding animals their homes by my ex actually who disallowed me to get any more animals of my own.... i so tried to get him to let me keep the matrix possum i found in my fireplace....and a great dane stray/.....as he looked at me in horror ...i realized what was important and it was him i wanted him to be happy too....yoru wife has an issue and its actually becomes a sort of obsession so a disorder....there are no kill shelters and people who will foster strays who have the funds and the time and the know how to properly care for strays and injured animals......

 

it is not a good idea to volunteer work at a shelter if you are way too emotionally attached to animals and their welfare..and you have not the ability to detach from them........my girls my whole family and i cannot ever work there...we would want to bring them all home ourselves...and it would be completely and utterly soul destroying work.....for us...and by the sounds of it your gf....it is not good for the animals that you do have now for your gf to take in more......leaves less time for them....and for your own relationship .....

 

 

i have always had protection dogs .....and my pedigree rottie died last year and i really miss her...thought about getting another protection companion....and i started looking at rescue dogs...and it depressed me knowing i cant choose one...its too hard for me....and i have four dogs....one of them is the neighbours dog who refuses to go home he adopted us.... and he is a great dane cross....two border collies who were surrendered to me.....and one little terrier cross my daughter rescued from a shelter....so i cant have more....and i understand that

 

 

your wife needs to respect your feelings and listen ...it isnt fair on anyone including the animals who need time and attention and space....now i can thelp thats theres this neighbourhodd animal grapevien that puts all these lost or injured animals on my doorstep...but i can find them their place where they should be.....and that is just as satisfying....you know dog walking or dog grooming might be an option for your wife to do ....somewhere where she knows the animals are being looked after and she gets to hand them back to the owners who love them.....and leave her with a happy satisfied heart....

 

 

i wish you well op and you are in no way selfish and thats from me a self aware animal junkie who has abandonment issues........good luck and i hope your wife listens and hears what you have to say and sees the truth ..deb

 

 

 

......

Edited February 23, 2018 by todreaminblue

[kenji_t]

Thanks everyone for your replies, I didn't expect this thread would get this much of attention!

 

For everyone who mentioned the money issues, I can assure it's not a problem.

I am extremely cautious when it comes to finances, and we're all well prepared for eventual sickness of the animals, I have planned every scenario, including the 5 of them becoming sick together, so it really does not worry me.

 

My wife's well being is the first thing here, I worry for her and for our marriage.

 

I love her, and I want to support her...but there's only too much I can take.

 

Even though I love animals, I don't want to live on an animal shelter, and we have already plenty of responsibility to look after.

 

One more animal rescue and I am done...just need to find a way of telling her that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Maybe you can suggest an animal related hobby that doesn't involve tempting shelter animals so she gets her "need to help" fix. For example, this weekend I'm getting my dog tested to be a therapy dog and plan to start doing that as a volunteer experience for us. Are any of your pets calm enough for something like that? I also have anxiety so I'm looking forward to this for me as much as I'm looking forward to helping others. And since we'll only be visiting humans, mostly elderly ones, there's zero chance of me bringing home another houseguest .

[kenji_t]

Maybe you can suggest an animal related hobby that doesn't involve tempting shelter animals so she gets her "need to help" fix. For example, this weekend I'm getting my dog tested to be a therapy dog and plan to start doing that as a volunteer experience for us. Are any of your pets calm enough for something like that? I also have anxiety so I'm looking forward to this for me as much as I'm looking forward to helping others. And since we'll only be visiting humans, mostly elderly ones, there's zero chance of me bringing home another houseguest .

 

That's a good idea, our first dog was actually used once in some therapy sessions for an autistic kid (we knew the parents).

 

I'll definitely suggest this to her.

[kenji_t]

A quick update.

 

My wife has finally come to senses that 5 animals is too much and she sincerely sounded honest when she said "we will not get any more pets, no more fostering, no more rescuing".

 

I have found out about an organization that helps raising money for shelters and she volunteered.

There's no contact with abandoned animals, only events to help raising money for the existing shelters, which is nice.

 

Still worried though.

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife's well being is the first thing here, I worry for her and for our marriage.

 

I love her, and I want to support her...but there's only too much I can take.

 

I went through something similar but different when my wife taught at an inner-city school. Very quickly, it became apparent she was spending more than half her take-home pay on things her students needed, everything from school supplies to eyeglasses to anti-lice shampoo.

 

Some people simply feel the suffering of other living things to a greater extent. I can see your problem but also hope you appreciate the kind soul you're married to...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kenji_t]

Ok, so we're officially over 1 year without taking new animals home or even thinking about adopting another one

 

I'd say I'm pretty happy and my wife seem to have come to her senses.

[fishlips]

Wonderful! You and your wife sound like lovely people. I definitely understand where she is coming from, but I feel for you as well. My mom used to take every stray that came along, and my dad would get irritated, although he didn't have the heart to take the animals to a shelter. I'm like my mom in a lot of ways, but control myself because of my husband lol.

 

I get my "fix" working with animal rescue groups in other ways. I took care of a feral colony for a while until I moved and turned the colony over to a friend to care for. Maybe your wife can do that. There are a lot of groups on Facebook.

[vla1120]

What is your wife's line of work (if any, if not, that's fine too)? My obsession was not animal welfare, but child welfare - especially those in foster care. I volunteered for many years as a court-appointed special advocate to children in foster care and almost adopted one of the children for whom I was responsible, so I understand your wife having difficulty when she feels she is not doing all she can to help animals.

 

Over twenty years ago, when I was working in corporate (in the legal, then medical, then engineering fields), I decided I wanted to work in a job that somehow more directly benefited children. I left corporate and took a considerable pay cut to work in a public school. Now, even though I work in technology (not directly with children), I have many, many opportunities to have an impact in the daily lives of children. If your wife is this devoted to the cause, maybe she needs to consider an option like this.

 

What she needs to realize is that (as others have suggested) there are other ways your wife can help on a grander scale that does not affect her home and family. If you do not have a no-kill shelter in your area, maybe your wife should find like-minded individuals, work to find a benefactor, enlist the help of local veterinarian services and try to start a no-kill shelter. I know that's a bit extreme, but depending on your wife's determination to make animal welfare an important part of her life, it's not completely out of the question.

[Els]

To be honest, when I read your title I was assuming something a LOT worse, lol...

 

 

But anyway. Adopting an animal, if you live together, should be viewed like adopting a child. You can't just go out and adopt one all by yourself without the other person's consent!

 

 

She needs to understand that as part of a couple she can't just make unilateral decisions like that without consulting you. The desire to rescue is understandable but the unilateral decision making for something that affects both of you is not acceptable. Just like how I can't visit a poor country and then come back with 5 starving orphans without my husband's consent....

 

 

Edit: Argh, I just realized that this thread is 1 year old! I wish you'd edited the opening post...

Edited April 5, 2019 by Elswyth

[vla1120]

Edit: Argh, I just realized that this thread is 1 year old! I wish you'd edited the opening post...

 

Oops. I didn’t notice either.