Finding peace after the chaos

[Still_Here]

This forum has given me so much support over the years. I'm finally ready to tell my story and ask for advice directly.

 

I had an affair. A long, messy affair. I'll spare all the details that you all have read many times on here...ambivalence, loss of moral compass, SO MUCH back and forth between the two women. It was a mess.

 

Even with older, wiser people in my life who experienced the same thing pleading with me to walk away from the affair, I just couldn't. I was completely in love, addicted, and not in control of myself.

 

Everything finally came out and I finally am divorced and living with my affair partner. I feel that I left a generally happy marriage and two kids. Things weren't perfect, but we had a nice little life until I got emotional caught on another person.

 

Life is now moving on. I see my kids often, but struggle with guilt and the time they're not with me. I don't wish to be back with my wife, the situation even ruined that for me, but in many ways just wish I didn't blow up my life in the first place.

 

The weird thing is, after almost a year and a half of living with my affair partner, I still feel this strange addiction to her and have constant waivering. We have the best sex life, its still just so good after all these years. I think she is very beautiful, and yet I also can get really hung up on her flaws. Living in Atlanta doesn't help, its such a judgemental, self centered, vain crowd here. Sometimes I feel like I want to run away so bad that it hurts my chest. I at least have enough mental sense to know that these feelings are unhealthy and that I shouldn't focus so much on what other people think or any type of competition, its part of what I need to work on.

 

I'm sick of feeling ambivalent and unsure after all this time. I don't feel at peace. I want to be content and happy. I don't allow myself to be happy. In some ways I want my emotional life to be more at ease like I was in my marriage. I'm so sick of my mind going back and forth.

 

Here's my question for LS. Has anyone ever gotten so emotionally stuck in their sadness and indecisiveness. Its a complete misery for me. I can't seem to let myself let go of some things and stop being sad. I've completely gotten stuck in my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with my life.

 

Thank you in advance for your replies.

[Minnie09]

Sounds like the decision to divorce wasn’t yours, but your xw’s? Yes, indecision never leads to a happy existence. At some point all the parties involved will be tired of the back and forth, and somebody else will pull the plug FOR you. Sounds like this happened to you, and now you’re in the position where you are dealing with the what-ifs. Not sure if my guess is correct, but just saying....

 

On a more general note: Many people who step out of their Ms, especially the guys, are reluctant to make a decision one way or the other. And then they end up somewhere, in a place they didn’t actively choose, and that’s almost always a recipe for disaster, or at least dissatisfaction. Either the W has left them, or the AP has walked away, or there was a DDay, ...... you name it.

 

So you ended up where you are now, you didn’t actively choose to, and even though you like/love/feel attracted to your current partner, you sometimes want to “run away”? Do you think you transitioned from one relationship into the next too quickly? Maybe some time alone would’ve been a good idea after your D. Or even just “officially” dating your former AP, rather than living together right away.......how long was the affair? It seems you do love her though. Not sure about your statement regarding your “obsession” with her, though. Maybe you can explain.

 

Your sadness now is probably due to guilt about the situation. Have you been depressed in the past?

[wmacbride]

I'm not surprised you aren't happy.

 

The description of your new relationship doesn't sound like "love". You yourself describe it as an addiction. That's what addiction does. It takes over your mind, saps your energy and is built on the most shallow of emotions.

 

I'm not saying your current relationship can't be more, but until you figure out why you are unhappy, you're gong to flounder. I would suggest some private counseling to figure all this out.

 

One question...are you in your current relationship because you want to be, or because you feel like you have to be because you blew up your life ? Those are two very different situations.

[ambiv123]

Still Here, thanks for sharing your thoughts on my situation. I'm obviously very interested to hear more about the circumstances that lead to your situation and what you regret/feel guilty about.

 

Did you come out of your marriage having made a decision about what was best for you, even if things with the other person did not work out? I read a lot that any decisions made in situations like ours must absolutely be for personal reasons and not for the hope of pursuing somebody else, and that spending some time alone is necessary for being okay with everything. How did your divorce play out, if I may ask?

 

In terms of working through your guilt and regret, have you read the book 'Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay'? I found it a very methodical process for identifying issues that might be present in a relationship and figuring out what you really want. It might work for you retrospectively too, in working through your guilt.

 

I wish you luck in finding peace, from your ambivalent friend.

[imsosad]

This forum has given me so much support over the years. I'm finally ready to tell my story and ask for advice directly.

 

I had an affair. A long, messy affair. I'll spare all the details that you all have read many times on here...ambivalence, loss of moral compass, SO MUCH back and forth between the two women. It was a mess.

 

Even with older, wiser people in my life who experienced the same thing pleading with me to walk away from the affair, I just couldn't. I was completely in love, addicted, and not in control of myself.

 

Everything finally came out and I finally am divorced and living with my affair partner. I feel that I left a generally happy marriage and two kids. Things weren't perfect, but we had a nice little life until I got emotional caught on another person.

 

Life is now moving on. I see my kids often, but struggle with guilt and the time they're not with me. I don't wish to be back with my wife, the situation even ruined that for me, but in many ways just wish I didn't blow up my life in the first place.

 

The weird thing is, after almost a year and a half of living with my affair partner, I still feel this strange addiction to her and have constant waivering. We have the best sex life, its still just so good after all these years. I think she is very beautiful, and yet I also can get really hung up on her flaws. Living in Atlanta doesn't help, its such a judgemental, self centered, vain crowd here. Sometimes I feel like I want to run away so bad that it hurts my chest. I at least have enough mental sense to know that these feelings are unhealthy and that I shouldn't focus so much on what other people think or any type of competition, its part of what I need to work on.

 

I'm sick of feeling ambivalent and unsure after all this time. I don't feel at peace. I want to be content and happy. I don't allow myself to be happy. In some ways I want my emotional life to be more at ease like I was in my marriage. I'm so sick of my mind going back and forth.

 

Here's my question for LS. Has anyone ever gotten so emotionally stuck in their sadness and indecisiveness. Its a complete misery for me. I can't seem to let myself let go of some things and stop being sad. I've completely gotten stuck in my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with my life.

 

Thank you in advance for your replies.

 

Oh, I completely relate.

I, too, left an alright marriage (with 4 kids in tow) for someone I fell in love with. We do not live together (I don't want to) but we have been a legitimate couple for nearly 2 years and I am nowhere near at peace with everything.

We are in love, and in many ways better suited than we were with our previous spouses, but I am not certain that it was really neccesary to destroy 2 families and affect 6 children in total.

I have trouble letting go of my judgement towards the way he treated his wife during our affair. One of the reasons I am not moving in with him is because he invited me over to their house several times during our affair. I never went, obviously, but this depth of betrayal and lack of disrespect on his part bothers me.

Our realtionship began by seeing each other at our worst.

I'll tell you one more thing. I sometimes miss my ex husband. We had a long history together and I trusted him completely.

I have no words of wisdom to offer, just a bucket load of sympathy.

Let's hope it gets clearer and better with time.

[dichotomy]

Sorry for how you are feeling.

 

You write about addiction, amazing sex, and how beautiful your new woman is that you ended up with.

 

You don't write about love, compatibility, life activities, future plans, etc.

 

I suspect you were having the best of two different worlds - nice family life with your ex wife and kids - vs hot passion with new woman. But neither was/is the "whole thing" for you? No doubt you have lost something you had that you did value.

 

What are your plans for your new life - with your new gal? I would try to focus on where you are going or can go in your new life.

 

 

 

P.S.

 

You also talk about not liking the culture or vibe in Atlanta. While I dont think you want to move far away from your kids, I have found that Towns just outside or around a major city - can have very different cultures.

Edited February 22, 2018 by dichotomy

[grassisorisntgreener]

I had an affair as well, am divorced now, but didn't end up with my AP.

 

I relate so much to your feelings. When I think back to my affair I am disgusted and embarrassed about my behavior.

 

My ex husband found out everything and it was really bad for a while, but we now get along and even do things together with the kids. He is the only man in my life that still has my back, even after everything that happened.

 

I would give anything to go back before I met AP and put all that effort into my marriage.

[rickwman]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Marriage is a 'death till you part' commitment; a 100% - 100% giving relationship; a body/soul/spirit relationship. You are experiencing the guilt that came with your affair. An affair takes you down a road you don't want to go down and you usually pay more than you think you will.Have you spoken with a counselor, pastor or minister that can offer you wise and long-term, effective advise? I'll stand with you that you will fine peace and joy with your new partner and will be a blessing to your kids and ex-wife.

[BreakOnThrough]

You had the "grass is greener" syndrome, but failed to look at things and water your own lawn first.

[Cullenbohannon]

I had an affair as well, am divorced now, but didn't end up with my AP.

 

I relate so much to your feelings. When I think back to my affair I am disgusted and embarrassed about my behavior.

 

My ex husband found out everything and it was really bad for a while, but we now get along and even do things together with the kids. He is the only man in my life that still has my back, even after everything that happened.

 

I would give anything to go back before I met AP and put all that effort into my marriage.

 

Then why don't you?