GF keeping a Back-up Stall of BFs?

[orangele]

My GF and I have been together for about a year and a half, and she has many many friends. She has many male friends who she emails and talks to frequently on the phone. Now after learning about some of these male friends, it was crystal clear to me that a good number of them are boyfriend want to bes, and even ex-boyfriends. Indeed this has been confirmed by her.

 

My issue with my GF is her desire to retain contact with these men and occassionally ask favors of them, while talking and communicating with them as if they are her boyfriend. I have never really felt threatened because it is my attitude that if someone wants to leave a relationship they will leave. Still I wonder about her personality that allows her to lead these men on while asking for and accepting favors from them. She has told me that her pseudo-boyfriend talk with these men is just kidding, but I told her that they probably do not look at it that way. Indeed recently, one of her "friends" called her to tell her he was indeed in love with her and she now says she feels uncomfortable talking with him. Another friend she has mentioned has made her promise to marry him if she is not married by 35. It was of course no suprise to me that this occured. I believe all these men know about her relationship with me, and I believe that she does not mislead them at all about this.

 

Can she really believe that these men keep in contact with her, communicate with her like she is their GF, do favors for her, and they are just friends? Or on the other hand is this purposeful behavior to keep a stall of back-up boyfriends available and ready should her current relationship fail, or just a method of ego-boosting. I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt that she just doesnt realize that she may be leading these men on, but as time goes on, the truth comes out about "friend" after "friend" it becomes more difficult to give her this benefit.

[Bunnylove]

I can understand how you feel. Was in the same possition with my last relationship. It made me feel very insecure indeed. He was still in contact with most of his ex's and talks, emails regularly with them. Even went out with them to dinner movies etc. He would still say "love you" or "I love you" at the end of phone conversations. Some of them he would still peck on the lips goodbye. Even hold hands with some. I even found naked pics on his computer of his last girlfreind before me. I asked him to deleet them but he wouldnt.

 

It seemed to me (and he admited to this) that he likes to feel loved and wanted and loves the attension women give him, be it ex's, friends or aquaintences. I think he is afraid to completaly let go of the past. I also think its an insecurity thing where he NEEDS to feel he is loved by everyone and especially by women he has had relationships with that didnt work out. I also feel that he was afraid of total commitment. This became much more clear when he cheated on me with one of his many 'freinds'.

 

Of course its similar but every situation is different. I'm interested to see what others think of this. I don't envy your possition at all and not really sure what advice I could give. My relationship didnt work out in the end mainly because he didnt make me feel safe and with all these other women around, i felt like I was in a constant battle to keep him from straying. I TRYED to learn to trust him to keep HIMSELF from straying but it was hard after being cheated on twice. Now looking back I feel that he was just not quite ready to let go of his past and give all of himself into our relationship. I know he loved me but aside from the cheating I just didnt feel is loyalty. This came from the way he was with other women.

 

I think in your case it's just all about how much you love each other, how much trust there is in your relationship, how commited is she in this relationship, is the flirtations just harmless fun or is it more? Keep the lines of communication open. Explain that her behavior is making you feel uncomfortable and see what happens. If she fights you on this then you may just have to accept that this is how its going to be. In that case you still have your choice whether you stay and put up with it or go. It seems to me that she giving herself an espacpe route if your relationship doesnt work out. Try and find out why. Maybe she is scared? maybe she isnt that excited by your relationship?

 

In any case its a tricky situation so give yourself some space to have a think and take her out to dinner for a chat about your feelings and to find out where the relationship is going. Dont let this go on because with the way you are feeling you could end up building resentment towards her which isnt healthy.

 

Good luck

xoxoxxxx

[Bryanp]

This is a huge red flag. Why in the world would you wish to remain in a relationship while your girlfriend has a stall of pseudo-boyfriends. It sounds like she is a user of people and this is so incredicbly disrespectful to you and your relationship. My guess is that when you have a major fight she will be with one of these guys within 24 hours. It sounds very immature to me. I just think she is sending out a clear message that she likes to use these guys giving out false hope. I doubt she would accept such behavior from you if the roles were reversed. The sad part is that she is disrespecting you and your relationship and apparently you don't see this. She is playing these other guys very well. It will be a matter of time before she starts playing you because this is who she is. How can you not see this and why would you put up with such disrespecting behavior to you? I think surely you could find somebody better than this. Don't you?

[Cecelius]

What Bryan said. Male friends are not a bad thing, but your g/f, in my opinion, should not be hanging around with dude's whose rods she used to polish. If nothing else, she seems to need the attention too much, and that's why she keeps this bunch of chumps around. now, if they were just dopey guys trying to make time with her without encouragement, that's different, but your g/f shouldn't be hanging/texting/getting favors from dudes where it is reasonably apparent that they want more than friendship from her.

 

My take? Assume she's your g/f only so far as YOU are having a good time, do not bother being emotionally connected to her (she is not to you clearly) and dump her if she gets disrespectful or when you are bored.

[fundamental]

If I were you, I'd watch out for her. She is obviously enjoying the attention from all of the guys. I'm not telling you to leave the relationship but it sounds like she is unconsciously searching for a back-up just in case it does not work out with you. She is an attention wh**e!