Making up for mistakes?

[LostHubby2015]

Hi everyone.

 

Perhaps this isn't the right area for this post and maybe it belongs in the break up area, but i thought some people may be able to relate.

 

First and foremost, I filed for divorce from my wife a while back and it's still not finalized and that's stressing in and of itself. But anyway, between posting on here occasionally for a while i was also seeing a councilor. In October my councilor thought i was doing much better so i stopped going by her advice.

 

Shortly there after a girl i know who i was......kinda friends with who i know from a co-ed softball team and i start sorta of talking. We were at a friends house one night and she was drinking more than me and at one point said i like you. Which instantly i thought that met in a relationship sort of way. So i started to pursue her a little bit. Then it dawned on me she may have just meant "i like you, you're a good guy". so i kinda let up. Shortly there after we started communicating a lot (snapchat). This started in November and continued all the way through xmas we would snap a lot. I asked her out on a date and we went on one shortly after new years. backing up for a second. we spent new years eve together which we did kiss after midnight. not at midnight cuz we were with friends and as far as i knew it was kinda hush hush that we had been talking. so that by itself was awkward. but i did later tell her happy new years and kissed her while slow dancing upstairs. we then began to kiss more and she did tell me that night "i like the games". Being mindful i'm 33 and she is 23. so yes there is a level of immaturity that goes into this which is why i had been tolerant.

 

So back to January, we went out on a date it went well. I dropped her off she said she had a good time and told me i wasn't going to bring her up to her apartment, i said ok as to be respectful. A week later i get a text from her, not a snapchat. She wasn't sure what she wanted and didn't want to drag me through it while she figured it out, but she still wanted to hang out. So we did. and then just before V-Day while i was on vacation i sent her a snapchat of the sunrise and said "good morning, beautiful. I hope you have a good day." i got a snap back that clearly was her being suspicious as to my snap, i replied and then shortly after ghost.

 

I asked her after a few days if i had crossed a line and she said i had. In a last ditch effort i laid it all out there about how i liked her and what not. One thing i included was i probably pushed to hard, i said that maybe it's still in the cards maybe it isn't, but 2nd chances are about doing things the way they should have been done the first time, only without fear. The reply i got back could be viewed as cold or stern. Maybe a little of both. But she straight up said "I am not interested in you romantically. We can hang out in the same friend circle but not separately as I fear you'll always be seeking a romantic relationship with me. I do not want a relationship with you."

 

Now, for how this comes into the divorce category. 1) i broke my own rule of dating as "i tried". in my experience not trying has always worked best. 2) i feel like i may have been "making up" for things i felt i did wrong during my marriage. So i was very supportive of this new girl. I told her to be herself (which i do believe she should do), but i feel like i wasn't being myself entirely as i clearly was trying to sell myself. I wasn't laid back. But i felt like i wasn't as supportive as i could have been during my marriage so i was all for her. I made every effort to be with her. I just wanted to be with her so bad (and still do). I know somewhere along the lines i began to really care for her and to a limited extent convinced myself i was in love with her. Not that i don't care for her cuz i know i do now.

 

But has anyone else been through anything similar to this? Like screwing up dating and messing up what could have been at the very least a great friendship? I almost feel like maybe i'm emotionally unstable.

 

For full disclosure a good friend offered me this advice "I think you don't have a lot of self love right now. Therefore, it's easier to really love/like someone else a lot. Therefore, making you feel loved bye getting some love back."

 

Any insight would help because beyond being told i have no chance this actually hurts probably just as bad as the divorce. Which it shouldn't since i've only been talking to this girl for like 4 months. Why am i so upset by this?

[Be_Strong]

Your friend’s advice appears correct. You’re looking for affirmation from a woman to fill a void.

 

My advice is to recognize that the way you interact with a woman during the dating process is very different than the way a man should interact with his wife.

 

Also, “not trying” is not an effective dating strategy. You just need to find the proper balance between chasing a girl and letting the girl chase you. The right mix will feel much more organic (and in a way effortless).

[Just a Guy]

Hi Losthubby, from everything you've written it seems you are behaving like a headless chicken. Firstly, you are 33 years old whereas your intended GF is just 23. You should be the one who is more mature and level headed of the two, especially since you have been married and have been a responsible partner to a woman already. However, to all appearances your GF is the one who comes across as the more mature, level headed and responsible person. You should know that since your divorce is not yet finalized, you shouldn't be chasing girls right now. You do not want to get into a rebound relationship as those don't last. At most you could cultivate purely social relationships with women you meet through your social circle and leave it at that.

 

You have'nt mentioned the reason why you are divorcing your wife and also how long you have been married and whether you have any children. While waiting for your answers I would say you should take some time out from the dating scene and grieve your dying marriage. Mull on the reasons why it failed and examine those shortcomings within you that you think contributed to it's demise. If you are able to accurately determine those then get to work on them to rectify them so that in any future relationship you do not end up making the same mistakes. By saying this I do not imply that you were solely to blame for the failure of your marriage. Your stbx wife is probably as complicit if not more in the demise of your marriage but that is neither here nor there. Her flaws are her problems and she will have to sort them out. However, she is not your problem now. In all this I'm assuming there was no infidelity involved. If there was and depending on who was the guilty party , well that is an additional and really heavy burden to get rid of. As Be Strong mentioned, you will have to learn to love yourself enough to respect yourself. Without that, no self respecting woman is going to be attracted to you. If you continue sniffing around skirts you will be rewarded with deceitful, cheating women who will use you and drop you like a hot potato. Have fun but do it wisely. Warm wishes.

Edited February 25, 2018 by Just a Guy

[standtall]

Dude....you are in the friend zone. There is little chance to escape.

[Unhappy_Nerd]

Let this one go man. Too early to be "dating". I mean, if you find someone who is DTF or FWB friendly, then go with it.

 

But I'd put any thoughts of a serious relationship on hold until you're well and truly divorced.

[LostHubby2015]

Hi Losthubby, from everything you've written it seems you are behaving like a headless chicken. Firstly, you are 33 years old whereas your intended GF is just 23. You should be the one who is more mature and level headed of the two, especially since you have been married and have been a responsible partner to a woman already. However, to all appearances your GF is the one who comes across as the more mature, level headed and responsible person. You should know that since your divorce is not yet finalized, you shouldn't be chasing girls right now. You do not want to get into a rebound relationship as those don't last. At most you could cultivate purely social relationships with women you meet through your social circle and leave it at that.

 

You have'nt mentioned the reason why you are divorcing your wife and also how long you have been married and whether you have any children. While waiting for your answers I would say you should take some time out from the dating scene and grieve your dying marriage. Mull on the reasons why it failed and examine those shortcomings within you that you think contributed to it's demise. If you are able to accurately determine those then get to work on them to rectify them so that in any future relationship you do not end up making the same mistakes. By saying this I do not imply that you were solely to blame for the failure of your marriage. Your stbx wife is probably as complicit if not more in the demise of your marriage but that is neither here nor there. Her flaws are her problems and she will have to sort them out. However, she is not your problem now. In all this I'm assuming there was no infidelity involved. If there was and depending on who was the guilty party , well that is an additional and really heavy burden to get rid of. As Be Strong mentioned, you will have to learn to love yourself enough to respect yourself. Without that, no self respecting woman is going to be attracted to you. If you continue sniffing around skirts you will be rewarded with deceitful, cheating women who will use you and drop you like a hot potato. Have fun but do it wisely. Warm wishes.

 

I originally filed for divorce back in April of 2017. We were married for 18 months. I attached a link to the 2nd post i put up (inside that there is a link to the first post). We have no kids and it's to the point our attorney's are getting annoyed with how long the divorce is taking. I've been trying, but at every turn she seems to be making it difficult. For 7 months she was saying she wanted an appraisal of the house, which keep in mind i bought it before we were married. So in the state in which we live it's a premarital asset and she has "minimal at best" claim to it since our marriage was so short. So i agreed to it and told my ex to schedule the appraisal. She never did. So last month i finally got pissed and scheduled one. The day before the appraisal she called and canceled it because she wanted to be present.

 

A week later she decided she doesn't need to be here so i can go ahead and reschedule it. I'm an accountant and have a lot of experience analyzing data and everything i look at would suggest she owes me money (our state dictates her ring is equity gained through marriage). So i've said lets go our own ways and you don't owe me and i don't owe you blah blah blah. Short version she suggested she gets to keep our joint tax refund from 2017. I have agreed to this, but i still have yet to hear back. Her attorney sucks by the way. It took her attorney a week to even send her a file saying i agree to this, but just a small tweak. it's ridiculous. Oh and by the way my ex-wife has been dating a guy for a few months now. the state in which we live also is a "no fault" state. So she could sleep with 500 guys and it doesn't matter (alternatively, i could do the same, but with women).

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/623092-anxious-filing-dark-anniversary

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lost, I went back and read through your previous two threads. I must say your relationship was a train wreck while it lasted and that both you and your wife were completely toxic and incompatible with each other, your wife more so than you. I commend you for having been loyal to your wife and been supportive of her but, as your previous threads indicate, she is beyond redemption. Downtown was right in describing your wife as suffering from BPD and the fact that she was an alcoholic and prone to self medicating, apart from having been physically abusive to the extent that she was arrested and ordered not to communicate with you, I think you dodged a real bullet by separating from her. You have your issues too. You have anger management issues and you had been seeing a counsellor for this. I do hope that problem has been adequately addressed.

 

Coming to your current situation, it is sad to see that after having been through such a traumatic time with your wife you have not gained in maturity and wisdom. Your friend and Be Strong were right in reiterating that you do not love yourself. In other words you suffer from low self esteem and low self respect. If someone shows some interest in you, particularly if that person is a woman, you are ready to eat out of their hands. That is an unhealthy reaction. You have to learn to be your own man and draw people to you by exuding self confidence and charm and this can only happen if you are confident in yourself and value yourself as a person. The reason your intended GF turned you down cold is because, even at her comparatively young age, she saw through your facade to the real you, someone who is needy and a parasite for emotional succour. The girl is only 23 and really speaking out of your league. She probably sees you as an older man with baggage and she wants to run a mile. She is probably looking for someone more her age and considers you too old for her. You may have also frightened her off by smothering her with your version of love and attention. For the moment you need to forget her and get into IC to overcome your demons. As I said in my previous post, stay away from dating women and first sort out the baggage of your dying marriage. Get your divorce and grieve your dead marriage. After you have spent time as a singleton and got back on your feet emotionally, you can think of getting back in the market for dating/ romantic liaisons. At that time, look out for women nearer your age who are not carrying around a lot of baggage from previous relationships. Be very careful in picking women. You do not want to land up in another dysfunctional relationship. Hope some of this helps. Wish you all the best going forward. Have a great day!

[Mr. Lucky]

Any insight would help because beyond being told i have no chance this actually hurts probably just as bad as the divorce. Which it shouldn't since i've only been talking to this girl for like 4 months. Why am i so upset by this?

 

LH, you couldn't have sabotaged this more effectively had you tried. Simply put, you chose the wrong person and then did the wrong things. Not a recipe for success.

 

Also, “not trying” is not an effective dating strategy. You just need to find the proper balance between chasing a girl and letting the girl chase you. The right mix will feel much more organic (and in a way effortless).

 

Good advice. Let it happen...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Downtown]

I almost feel like maybe i'm emotionally unstable.

Hubby, if you've been dealing with a BPDer W for several years, consider yourself lucky that you're only feeling "unstable." Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. Therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Because a BPDer's feelings are so intense, she is absolutely convinced they MUST be correct. Moreover, that sincerity and conviction usually will be obvious to you. Hence, because you know she loves you and truly believes most of her allegations, you mistakenly assume that -- if you can only figure out what YOU are doing wrong -- you can restore the R/S to that wonderful bliss and passion you saw at the beginning. This is why BPDers generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

A second reason the divorce is so painful is that walking away from a BPDer feels like you are walking away from a sick young child who, despite her periodic tantrums, dearly loves you. A BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old. Whereas a full-blown narcissist and a sociopath are unable to love, a BPDer is able to love very intensely. It is an immature form of love, however, and thus falls far short of what is required to sustain a mature adult relationship.

 

A third reason for the pain and confusion -- especially for excessive caregivers like you and me -- is that a BPDer relationship gives us an opportunity to experience the intoxicating feeling of being the nearly perfect man who has ridden in on a white horse to save the maiden from unhappiness. Simply stated, our desire to be needed far exceeds our desire to be loved.

 

A fourth reason is that, because a BPDer so completely mirrors the best aspects of your personality and your preferences, you both mistakenly believe that you have found your "soulmate." Hence, even we you later start to question that intense feeling intellectually, you still have to fight against the intense feeling that she is somehow perfect for you -- and destined to be your mate.

[TrustInYourself]

Yeah, you're coming from a position of need and low self worth. Blow her off and next time, just have fun with it. Be cool, do your thing.

 

 

As far as this one, leave it alone.

[LostHubby2015]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. The short version is i've still had some upsetting news regarding how everything went down and i realize my reaction has been similar to that of my ex. I did not say anything to the girl i was talking to, but to another friend i trust not to repeat.

 

I guess the hard thing is that the girl i was talking to and I are on the same co-ed softball team and it starts up in a month so we will see each other. But i'm starting to accept the fact i have some other issues i need to work through. So in an attempt to stop driving myself nuts thinking about it i've deleted some of her contact info and also unfollowed (i did not unfriend) on FB. I know that seems a little juvenile, but based on what has worked in the past for other girls the "out of sight, out of mind" concept has worked for me. So i'm going to give that a shot and at the same time try to figure out my own stuff. Granted i may have lingering issues that could take longer than a month.

 

I think i may just be attention starved since my ex and i separated. Not to mention i can't even count how many things i did wrong with this girl. So it's no wonder she ran for the hills. Live and learn i guess.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lost, you said you were 33 years of age. I guess you are in a full time job and earning a decent wage. If that be the case then what is this ' Co-ed softball team' thing? Sounds to me like some college team. Why can't you ease yourself out of it so that you do not have to meet up with this girl any more? Also, I think, with the kind of behaviour you are displaying, attending some intensive IC sessions is the need of the hour for you. You need to develop a level of maturity and worldly wiseness that seems to be lacking in you. You also need to develop a bit of a thicker skin. It seems to me that you dwell too much on minor little details and are also very sensitive about the way people, especially women treat you. Learn to be more cavalier in your approach to casual women friends. Don't take them too seriously. Have light hearted fun with them and keep it that way. When you do meet someone who rocks your world then you can become serious about developing a more permanent relationship. However, this should be sometime in the future not now. Best wishes.